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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Office colleague not contributing

184 replies

BlueVixen · 08/07/2021 22:13

AIBU in thinking the one person in our small office who didn't contribute towards a box of chocolates and a card for the cleaner shouldn't sign the birthday card. I suggested it in the office today and immediately two colleagues thought it was a good idea an put £2 in the 'pot'. Ended up with £8 (including my contribution). Enough to by a box of chocolates, a card and some wrapping paper. Showing a bit of appreciation. The cleaner is lovely. She cleans a whole building, not just our space, and is cheerful and personable and works hard. The colleague who didn't stump up £2 is not hard up. She and I are both pretty new in the office. She left the office whilst we were talking about it. I'm not sure what to do. Small problem - in the scheme of things but ........

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/07/2021 07:24

I thought it was standard that if you contribute you sign the card and don’t if not. You can’t expect to be named if you don’t contribute.

rorymoneira · 09/07/2021 07:24

Half the time you wouldn’t just have £2 on you though, you’d have to go to the cashpoint and take out £10...then purchase something to get change. Just because she’s getting that new car doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling financially. She’s most likely getting it on finance and if it’s £30k like you say that would be a lot of money she’d have to pay monthly for it never-mind the deposit you have to give. Plus you said she’s single so she’s not getting any income from a partner. You said she left the room so she must’ve felt uncomfortable. I think not letting her sign the card isn’t very nice, I wouldn’t like to work with someone like you just saying.

thedancingbear · 09/07/2021 07:25

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I thought it was standard that if you contribute you sign the card and don’t if not. You can’t expect to be named if you don’t contribute.
Yes, but you know full fucking well that, having started a thread on the subject on MN, the OP will be making it very clear to everyone, including the recipient, that this person's name is not on the card, because she did not contribute.

And that's deliberately embarrassing someone. And that's bullying.

thedancingbear · 09/07/2021 07:27

@rorymoneira

Half the time you wouldn’t just have £2 on you though, you’d have to go to the cashpoint and take out £10...then purchase something to get change. Just because she’s getting that new car doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling financially. She’s most likely getting it on finance and if it’s £30k like you say that would be a lot of money she’d have to pay monthly for it never-mind the deposit you have to give. Plus you said she’s single so she’s not getting any income from a partner. You said she left the room so she must’ve felt uncomfortable. I think not letting her sign the card isn’t very nice, I wouldn’t like to work with someone like you just saying.
I would hate to somewhere where someone was checking off my (non-) contributions to workplace collections, against my recent personal purchases. And discussing that with my colleagues. And posting about it all on social media.
SnoopyLights · 09/07/2021 07:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

But since it is a small office and one missing name on the card will stand out to the lady whose birthday it is, I think I'd just ask her if she wants to sign it when you're asking everyone else.

Especially as you all get along and have a laugh together while the cleaner is working in your office. Shame to risk spoiling that by having someone very obviously missing from the card.

Normally where I work a birthday card is bought out of petty cash and everyone signs it. Babies, weddings, and leaving presents are the only things we normally collect for.

I usually do chip in to collections and we are a large team, but as someone else on here has said, there's one person I don't like and I wouldn't donate to her collection if there was one, and I haven't signed her birthday card this year.

I'm not normally petty but she has been horrible to me since the first week I started that job, to the point I eventually had to raise it with my manager when it got really bad, and now we politely ignore each other as much as possible. Thankfully, she also works part-time so I don't have to see much of her.

userrnamemn · 09/07/2021 07:40

YABU! I cannot believe you’d even expect a contribution towards an £8 box of chocolates. I’d buy it and let everyone just sign the card…

MimiDaisy11 · 09/07/2021 07:41

I think like a few others have mentioned that it could be she didn’t have cash on her. If someone was going around collecting cash I can see how someone would feel awkward and leave. I don’t know if it was just one time that it was brought up and so maybe she didn’t have another chance to give money.

SpeciminA · 09/07/2021 07:42

I’ve signed cards I’ve not contributed towards and I’ve had others sign cards they’ve not contributed towards. Firstly, you don’t actually know her financial situation, I’ll grant you £2 is nothing (by the way I think £2 is pretty stingy as it is to be honest, but that’s just me) but still, you can’t truly know her financials. You don’t know she heard unless she joined in the conversation? you don’t know why She left when she did. Has she asked to sign the card? If not, don’t proffer it. Maybe she has already done something of her own? Who knows, move on.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/07/2021 07:42

@Viviennemary

A birthday card for the office cleaner. How does anybody even know when her birthday is. But if your colleague doesn't contribute then she shouldn't sign the card. It's a bit over the top IMHO.
They talk to her maybe? Because the cleaner is a human being who warrants as much respect as any fellow colleagues.

Why is it over the top getting someone a box of chocolates on their birthday?

You sound lovely.

Rioja81 · 09/07/2021 07:42

In our workplace the card is kept in reception with the money collection. You ask to put money in and the card appears as well to sign.

I suspect that if you went and said you were really struggling that month but could you sign they wouldn't have an issue.

SpeciminA · 09/07/2021 07:45

A birthday card for the office cleaner. How does anybody even know when her birthday is.

This is so depressing. Cleaners are vital towards a business. They do an important job. I hate when people think they’re above others, but you’d damned well notice if you had no cleaner @Viviennemary. I adored the cleaner at my last job, she worked hard, she was caring and a wonderful woman. This point of view is outdated and ugly.

strawberrydonuts · 09/07/2021 07:49

I think it's a bit petty (on both sides really) but I would just put her name on the card. It's £2, it's not like you bought her a £200 spa day voucher or something.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 09/07/2021 07:53

i never have cash, particularly since covid, where i work people offer bank transfer details

MrsMaizel · 09/07/2021 07:55

@BlueVixen

We are an office of only six in a building of many departments. There won't be a constant stream of donation requests but (most of us in the office) felt the cleaner gets scant recognition and wanted to let her know we appreciated her. It's never going to be a weekly event.
so who else is not contributing ? Office of 6 minus her is 5 x2 = 10 pounds ? Unless it's too early form me this morning .
SmokeyDevil · 09/07/2021 07:58

@Catlover77

No contribution, you don’t sign the card. That has always been the rule in offices, in my experience.

If you do not wish to contribute, why would you want to pass good wishes on to the person?

This. It's cheeky really to want to get recognition for a gift you haven't helped buy. It's like those people who don't contribute or help at all in buy presents, but when it comes to giving it to the person, they want to hand it over and take all the thanks. Its highly petty and funny really that they just desperately want praise but are too cheap to put in a couple of quid.
AbsolutelyPatsy · 09/07/2021 07:58

are you not all WFH?

thedancingbear · 09/07/2021 07:58

so who else is not contributing ? Office of 6 minus her is 5 x2 = 10 pounds ? Unless it's too early form me this morning .

The cleaner, presumably?

It is early mind.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 09/07/2021 07:58

you should have had agreement from all, you are putting her in a position

VerticalHorizon · 09/07/2021 08:01

Her finances may not be as secure as you believe them to be.
It may be that she's got a 'thing' going on where she doesn't contribute because it's £2.00 here, £5.00 somewhere else etc etc and it's starting to mount up for her.

Maybe she didn't have the cash?

I'd not judge her too harshly, and at the end of the day, a lot of this stuff relies on peer pressure to work, and that can be very awkward for those who really don't have much money (even if this lady does turn out to have plenty).

C8H10N4O2 · 09/07/2021 08:01

She and I are both pretty new in the office

So is this a "tradition" that you have started, or were their regular collections for this type of thing before you joined?

BunnyRuddington · 09/07/2021 08:02

*You don't contribute, you don't sign the card.

Themz da rulez*

Those are indeed the rules, well in any office I've ever worked in anyway.

EmpressSuiko · 09/07/2021 08:02

I think this is incredibly trivial. Contributions like this aren’t a requirement and I wouldn’t be so petty to not stop someone from signing a card because of this.

thedancingbear · 09/07/2021 08:04

@EmpressSuiko

I think this is incredibly trivial. Contributions like this aren’t a requirement and I wouldn’t be so petty to not stop someone from signing a card because of this.
It's not trivial though isn't it? It's making a point to the other people in a small office, with whom she has to work every day.

It's sounds pretty nasty to me.

Confusedandshaken · 09/07/2021 08:09

It was a lovely thought. Cleaners should be showed more appreciation.

The important person to consider here is the cleaner. Will it look a bit pointed if she gets a card signed by 4 of you and one person left out? Could she extrapolate from that the missing person dislikes her or thinks she isn't good at her job? (which might be true.). For that reason I'd get everyone to sign it regardless of whether they contributed or not. Being encouraged to sign and be associated in the gift might also encourage your colleague to cough up in future.

And don't judge your colleague too harshly. She might be a tight bitch or there might be good reasons why she couldn't/wouldn't contribute. You barely know her or her circumstances so this is definitely a situation where being kind is the best option.

Purplespup16 · 09/07/2021 08:10

Is she actually expecting to/or has asked to sign the card?

If she hasn’t said anything about signing it then leave it! I recently been forced to sign a card for a colleague’s relative, I barely know colleague and am sure they couldn’t pick me out of the crowd at work let alone knew this relative! I didn’t contribute to the collection and was dodging signing the card until my boss came and said see you haven’t signed this card.. sign it it needs to go today. I said I didn’t contribute and didn’t think I should sign and the response was I had to sign to show support 🙄. In the end it was easier to sign it then argue.

In honesty I’d pass the card around those that paid, if she asks to sign I’d would let her. Not everyone wants to take part and she might have no expectation of signing.