Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

Not a chance of me changing my name to someone's who had an unattractive name like Dick, Pratt, Coffin, De'ath etc.
If they had a better name than mine - might agree. As it is I kept my name as mine was better.

Yes to Ms rather than Mrs or Miss

Conventions around naming are overrated.

Let's shake it up.

II don't believe iit's a 'feminist issue' .. My life has been a 'feminist life'.

I spent 15 years laying a water pipeline in a developing country where only men did 'real engineering' jobs..

I don't NEED to prove my credibility as a woman. I have lived that life and continue to do so in a non - traditional engineering non-female world. ...

I CHOSE to call my children by my husbands name because it's nicer than mine.

Nothing more nothing less.../

”If it's such a neutral decision, why would almost no man even consider taking his wife's - sorry his father in law's - name? Surely there are men who have had terrible relationships with their fathers too?”

Probably because men feel pressured by a patriarchal society to keep their surname - maybe they think people would give them grief I’d they changed to their wife’s name, @IcedPurple.

Which is not to say that this attitude/fear is justified - I am offering it as a possible explanation - or that it would be right for men to be pressured into keeping their name - as someone who chose to change their name due to the negative connotations/bullying, I think men should absolutely feel free to change their surname if they want to.

@Movealongmovealong

II don't believe iit's a 'feminist issue' .. My life has been a 'feminist life'.

I spent 15 years laying a water pipeline in a developing country where only men did 'real engineering' jobs..

I don't NEED to prove my credibility as a woman. I have lived that life and continue to do so in a non - traditional engineering non-female world. ...

I CHOSE to call my children by my husbands name because it's nicer than mine.

Nothing more nothing less.../

It could be more of a feminist issue, it comes from a time when men owned women.

*couldn't

De'ath is so cool though.

I would have to go the full Lily Munster to go with it though.

I'm not sure my figure is well suited to her style mind you.

I'm a lesbian and I wanted us to have the same name so would have happily taken hers, but in the end we meshed a syllable from each (which made an established name anyway) and both changed to that! She is a published academic, so uses her maiden name professionally. There is no right or wrong in these situations, you should do whatever you would like to!

Yeah... 50 years ago. Move on !!

It's about choice. For me that is feminism.. choice !

Choice to marry
Choice to breed
Choice to take whatever name you wish....

Your own
Your partners
Something you made up !!

ALL EQUALLY valid

@sophiasnail

I'm a lesbian and I wanted us to have the same name so would have happily taken hers, but in the end we meshed a syllable from each (which made an established name anyway) and both changed to that! She is a published academic, so uses her maiden name professionally. There is no right or wrong in these situations, you should do whatever you would like to!

This sounds great, a perfect compromise, but I don't know a single heterosexual couple that have done that, and given the history behind taking a man's name I don't believe it's as straight forward in a heterosexual couple.

@StoneofDestiny haha I agree I wouldnt agree to being Mrs De'ath... definitely wouldnt be Dr De'ath!!!

@Movealongmovealong

Yeah... 50 years ago. Move on !!

It's about choice. For me that is feminism.. choice !

Choice to marry
Choice to breed
Choice to take whatever name you wish....

Your own
Your partners
Something you made up !!

There is no choice really if the assumption is always that the children will be given the father's name, so women are left with very little choice. Add to that society still expects women to change their name on marriage. It's not a choice made freely or within a vacuum, it is highly influenced by other pressures constructed within a patriarchal society.

I did once know an author called Mr Pine-Coffin.

Now there's someone with a well developed and dark sense of humour.

Interesting that surnames came about (or at least began to be documented in late Middle Ages). You can blame the Norman Barons. I'm not sure but I'll lay a bet it was to do with primitive taxes and admin. They came from the local area where you were born or trade or physical attributes.

Normans? What did they ever do for us?

@Iggi999

Feminism isn't just about having choices.

Thank you. Don't want to derail but I'm so tired of the trope that feminism = choice.

It's too simple just to do something incredibly patriarchal and then bleat "but isurely feminism is about choice".

Choice is an element of feminism, for sure. But if that just becomes an excuse to choosing to do something which reinforces patriarchal structures or behaviours its not a "feminist choice". It's a choice you've made because feminism allows you to have the choice in the first place.

Choose to take your husband's name because you married him, by all means, its a free country. And surnames isn't a particular hill I would choose to die on. But don't kid yourself you're making a "feminist choice". You're making a patriarchal choice because feminism has created the space that allows you the choice to make. And don't forget that every patriarchal action you take makes it a bit harder for feminists to exercise other choices.

I'd have a quiet respect for any man taking his wife's name.

Family trees are a good source for a 3rd option.

Plenty of names to choose from. Doesn't have to be either/or.

How about ‘choosing to take my husband’s name because I wanted to lose the name that was used to bully me every day for five years’, @thepeopleversuswork? Should I have kept the badge of my bullying with the memories of feeling suicidal at 14, for the sake of other women?

Or am I excused from your sweeping condemnation?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

How about ‘choosing to take my husband’s name because I wanted to lose the name that was used to bully me every day for five years’, *@thepeopleversuswork*? Should I have kept the badge of my bullying with the memories of feeling suicidal at 14, for the sake of other women?

Or am I excused from your sweeping condemnation?

I'm sorry that happened to you, it shouldn't have happened. Why not change it before you got married if it holds so much pain?

I have genuinely never understood why women change their names on marriage. You don’t do it for any other life event. Fair enough if you’ve got an awful surname, but it’s a bit of an outdated tradition.
I’d keep your own name, to be honest.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

How about ‘choosing to take my husband’s name because I wanted to lose the name that was used to bully me every day for five years’, *@thepeopleversuswork*? Should I have kept the badge of my bullying with the memories of feeling suicidal at 14, for the sake of other women?

Or am I excused from your sweeping condemnation?

No, I'm not saying that and I wasn't talking about you. You are of course free to do what you want and yours is a very specific case.

What I'm saying is I'm tired of people endlessly doing anti-feminist things with pretty anti-feminist outcomes for other women and then saying: "but feminism is about having choices".

I'm not saying people shouldn't be free to make those choices. I'm saying they shouldn't mislabel them as "feminist choices". They should be honest enough to admit that they are using options that feminists have given them to make antifeminist choices.

Women sometimes do this in America, i.e. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

@KisstheTeapot14

Yes to Ms rather than Mrs or Miss

Conventions around naming are overrated.

Let's shake it up.

Also this. I have a PhD, so I’m Dr MyName professionally (Higher Education). If asked, I’m Ms MyName. I don’t see why women are categorised by their marital status.

@HollaHolla

I have genuinely never understood why women change their names on marriage. You don’t do it for any other life event. Fair enough if you’ve got an awful surname, but it’s a bit of an outdated tradition. I’d keep your own name, to be honest.

Exactly this.

You know it actually saddens me that so many women change. It's still over 90%.

After all the things we fuss about and stand up for and then merrily skip along changing our names at the drop of a hat.

IMO, name changing is weak and is succumbing to the sexism we fight so hard against and changing your name makes you part of the problem.

What I'm saying is I'm tired of people endlessly doing anti-feminist things with pretty anti-feminist outcomes for other women and then saying: "but feminism is about having choices".

HOW is me taking a name I have chosen having an anti-feminist outcome for other women?

If others are too meek and feel some kind of pressure and must imitate what I do, I feel sorry for them, but would also question why we focus on the pressure to imitate that, and not everything else I do.

I am bored of "feminists" looking down or querying every thing we do if they don't agree with it. They are not letting me have a choice if I can only chose the only one they veto ,are they.

@CandlesBlanketsandTea completely agree with your post. Spot on.

2021 and majority of women convince themselves taking a mans name makes them happy/they hated their own name blah blah.

It's BS, truth is women are happy to be led by men and willl do anything to be able to walk down the aisle with as little fuss as possible