Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

I find it so depressing and frustrating that this question still results in the same stream of "I wanted us all to have the same name so I took DH's name" responses. Sometimes with the "and his was nicer out of the two" or "I like tradition" additions. Doesn't address/answer the question of the centuries of inequality and patriarchy that this tradition upholds. I am another one who finds it bizarre more women don't care about this in today's world - it is like the last bastion of totally culturally accepted (and even celebrated) sexism.

I was kind of the opposite in that I always knew I was going to keep my name but when it actually came to it I kind of wanted to change it too.

I’ve kept it on everything official but I tend to use a variety depending on the situation - still my name for work stuff and on official documents, sometimes call myself the double barrelled version and sometimes go along with being ‘Mrs Hisname’ if people call me that too.

I'm double barrelled. My sis took her husbands name and she wishes she'd gone double barrelled too, she ended up giving her two boys her maiden name as a middle name. We're expecting our first child and it'll be double barrelled too. Its fairly common now anyway with children as a lot of parents aren't married so child gets both names.

I am another one who finds it bizarre more women don't care about this in today's world

my decision to change my name or not has 0 impact on the previous centuries, so it's a complete moot point as things stand now. As we now have the choice to keep name, add name, either of us change name... it's not a sexist choice anymore.

And it might not matter to you, but it matters to many of us to have the same name as our kids! It's makes life a hell of a lot easier too.

I changed my name, it was my husband's. Now it's MY name too.
If I was in a lesbian relationship, would taking my partner's name sexist too?

I felt the same as you OP so in the end changed my name via deed poll rather than marriage certificate and that was so I could be Dusky MiddleName MaidenName HusbandsSurname. Very long but I felt better knowing I hadn’t replaced my maiden name with DHs surname but rather had added to my name

I changed mine on social media and I’m known as ‘Elginite DHSurname’ to our friends, but have absolutely no intention of changing my name professionally or on any official documentation - I thought about it but quite frankly I don’t see why I should (and also I don’t like DH’s surname as much as mine 😬) - our kids do have his but on reflection I’d have preferred if they have both.

I will, however, have an alias added to my passport next time I change it.

What I find frustrating is the insistence that women should not be allowed to change their name but should be forced to keep theirs, or at least double-barrel. No other possible choice

We thought about choosing a name we both liked. In the end we went with his mum's 1st married second name. Which DH had as a child, but not when I met him. His second name was his step fathers. For a variety of reasons I veto'd that.

So we nearly chose one out of a book of names!

Its bad enough choosing a baby name though, selecting a family name was just as controversial - we each had lists.

I am happy with our choice now and happy that me DS and DH all share a surname. Still miss my old one now and again, as me and my sister were the last in the family line so it won't get passed on.

DH didn't fancy my surname though sadly.

And it might not matter to you, but it matters to many of us to have the same name as our kids!

Some people give their kids their surname rather than their husband's!

I double barrelled and I'm happy with it

Eh? Who’s saying that @onlyhereforthecake? I think the overriding message from the thread is that women can and should do whatever they like with their name….

We used deed polls to change our names to a shared name after we got married and before we had DS.

@Phantasmo

And it might not matter to you, but it matters to many of us to have the same name as our kids!

Some people give their kids their surname rather than their husband's!

it's fine too! That's the point. Do what you want, you can.

@Marmaladee

Because people want to. It's not a feminist issue.

But it is a feminist issue! Because it comes from a time when men owned women. Same with the creepy virgin white dresses and veils.

White dresses originated with the upper classes as a symbol of wealth, eg Queen Victoria. After all, they could afford to have a dress for one use only, because white clothing could not be properly cleaned in those days for re-using, like we can today with optical whiteners. The bit about purity got tacked on afterwards. Before that, it was just your Sunday best clothing used for the marriage, and was still Sunday best for the lower classes for a long time after Queen Victoria got married. My grandmother got married in Sunday best, not white, and that was in around 1926/7.

it is like the last bastion of totally culturally accepted (and even celebrated) sexism.

Haha, don't worry, it's not. There are about a jillion others and they generally cause more trouble to women than this one.

@Elginite

Eh? Who’s saying that *@onlyhereforthecake*? I think the overriding message from the thread is that women can and should do whatever they like with their name….

not for a few posters who are shocked/horrified/cringing/ pitying/frustrated by any woman who doesn't follow their views.

I know very few people who kept their own name after marriage. Yet when I read these threads they're often full of horror at the very idea of changing the name.
I'm late 40s all of my generation of friends are all married and now some of their kids are getting married and still changing their names. I'm a teacher and I have ex pupils from many years ago now getting married and they've all changed their name

I use my birth name at work and my married name for everything else except Amazon. We have the same first name which can make surprise parcels a pain otherwise 🤣

@Deadringer I felt exactly the same doing my family tree. I wanted to know who the lines and lives of the women were.

If only we could time travel and visit grandmother's of grandmothers!

Would be fascinating to see what those women handed down - family cultures, sayings, ways of thinking about the world. And love. Love gets handed down (not just by the mothers obviously).

They get lost in traditional history.

@Phantasmo

You can relax, *@ForeverAintEnough3*. Apparently approx. 90% of women in the UK take their husband's name. You're very much in the majority and I'm sure can just about cope with some criticism of the tradition.

Whatever makes you feel more superior then @Phantasmo

@Phantasmo

'not a feminist issue'

Do men commonly do it?

No.

That makes it a feminist issue.

HTH.

This ^^

If women don't take something as fundamental as their name seriously no wonder men don't take us seriously, and if it isn't that big of a deal why aren't more men doing it? That's right because it's a fucking big deal and they know the value of a name. It looks like women give up a fundamental aspect of themselves so easily, just distract them with a diamond! I can't believe we are having these conversations in 2021. I also think the title Miss and Mrs needs to be banned and replaced with Ms, it is no-ones business whether I'm married or not.

I also think the title Miss and Mrs needs to be banned

What do you mean by "banned"?

And before someone comes along and says "think of the kids", there is no law to say you have to give them the father's surname.

@DrSbaitso

I also think the title Miss and Mrs needs to be banned

What do you mean by "banned"?

Scrapped.

@Nancydrawn I get that too - Christmas card with Mrs (DH first name) and DH's Surname. I don't even get to have my own first name! Total erasure. Makes me see red.

There was a trend during the 70s and 80s for some feminist writers to have names like Lola Evasdaughter (rather than Lola Robinson).

Sounded a bit Scandi and I quite liked it. Certainly made me think twice about some commonly accepted surnames in circulation!