Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

IMO, name changing is weak and is succumbing to the sexism we fight so hard against and changing your name makes you part of the problem.

it's a good thing it's only your opinion, I don't feel weak about anything - would feel weak to give in to the pressure of people like you even, and if you cannot comprehend why I prefer that my family has the same name, that's your problem, not mine.

And I am raising my girls hoping they will be comfortable enough to ignore people like you, calling us weak or worst. I have never felt inferior to any man, I am not going to start feeling inferior in front of a woman!

It's BS, truth is women are happy to be led by men and willl do anything to be able to walk down the aisle with as little fuss as possible

what happened to you to make you so judgmental and bitter against women? What happened that you have such a low opinion, and a sexist one frankly?

[quote doesparentingsuck]@CandlesBlanketsandTea completely agree with your post. Spot on.

2021 and majority of women convince themselves taking a mans name makes them happy/they hated their own name blah blah.

It's BS, truth is women are happy to be led by men and willl do anything to be able to walk down the aisle with as little fuss as possible [/quote]
Well I certainly wouldn't marry a man who thought of women the way you do.

@onlyhereforthecake I'm entitled to an opinion just like you are yours.

What happened to you to make you want to to change your identity/ erase your previous name to take on someone else's?

IMO, name changing is weak and is succumbing to the sexism we fight so hard against and changing your name makes you part of the problem.

There's absolutely nothing feminist about going online and tearing down other women for their choices because you don't understand why they're making it. Calling other women weak isnt contributing anything positive for feminism. If you're that against taking a name because it means a man owns you then surely you'd get rid of your surname and not have one at all because historically they're all 'mens names'.

@WellLarDeDar I wasn't involved in that choice originally as I would have been a baby so it's not the same comparison.

I haven't called women weak, I've said it's a weak choice to change your name to a mans - why are you so sensitive if you are so comfortable in your decisions?

What I think shouldn't matter to you.

@onlyhereforthecake

I am another one who finds it bizarre more women don't care about this in today's world

my decision to change my name or not has 0 impact on the previous centuries, so it's a complete moot point as things stand now. As we now have the choice to keep name, add name, either of us change name... it's not a sexist choice anymore.

And it might not matter to you, but it matters to many of us to have the same name as our kids! It's makes life a hell of a lot easier too.

I changed my name, it was my husband's. Now it's MY name too.
If I was in a lesbian relationship, would taking my partner's name sexist too?

It does matter to me to have the same name as my kids (and I do). I just wish it was just as common for kids to take their mum's name as their dad's.

Equally I know women have the choice now and that's great. But I just wish it was as common for men to take their wives names and not vice versa.

The issue is not any individual woman's choice - the issue is that women taking men's names is the default and the other options are a deviation from that default. And that is so obviously sexist I find it strange more women don't wish it wasn't the default.

OP why did you start the thread if you didn't want to hear what other people think?
You literally came on as you were feeling more attached to your surname than you thought you would be!

I have my maiden name as a middle name and husband’s surname because I didn’t want to lose my “maiden” name or be double barrelled. You do need to do it through deed poll though. My kids also have my maiden name as a middle name.

@onlyhereforthecake

What I'm saying is I'm tired of people endlessly doing anti-feminist things with pretty anti-feminist outcomes for other women and then saying: "but feminism is about having choices".

HOW is me taking a name I have chosen having an anti-feminist outcome for other women?

If others are too meek and feel some kind of pressure and must imitate what I do, I feel sorry for them, but would also question why we focus on the pressure to imitate that, and not everything else I do.

I am bored of "feminists" looking down or querying every thing we do if they don't agree with it. They are not letting me have a choice if I can only chose the only one they veto ,are they.

It's anti-feminist because it directly upholds the patriarchy. If women don't take something as fundamental as their identity seriously, men will never take us seriously.

How are the people claiming women don't have their own names being serious? Maiden names aren't a thing anymore, last names are just last names, women aren't their fathers property, and no one has to change name when they get married. Its so weird seeing the sexists being adamant that women can only ever have their fathers or husbands names, never their own, it's the same mindset that MRAs have.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@onlyhereforthecake I'm entitled to an opinion just like you are yours.

What happened to you to make you want to to change your identity/ erase your previous name to take on someone else's?
[/quote]
The difference between you and me is that I don't look down at people who make a different choice! I have no negative opinion if you keep name, make a new one or change it.

I also don't lose my identity , or erase my name, simply because I chose my husband's. It would take a lot more than that to change my identity...

You do see women as having so little confidence and strength, it's frightening. THAT I judge.

It's anti-feminist because it directly upholds the patriarchy. If women don't take something as fundamental as their identity seriously, men will never take us seriously.

This, 100%.

@Catlover77

It's anti-feminist because it directly upholds the patriarchy. If women don't take something as fundamental as their identity seriously, men will never take us seriously.

This, 100%.

This 100% 👍

I'm fine with hearing opinions and discussing things but you are just trying offend people. You're not contributing to the discussion you're just judging people and trying to fuel and argument and it's toxic. It bothers me that people like you come on here patting yourself on the back for being a feminist when actually you're just here trying to spread toxicity. Feminism isnt about being an asshole to people. Gives real feminists a bad name.

In the real world, men take me seriously.

It's the so-called "feminists" who don't and make such sexist attacks. Says it all really.

@onlyhereforthecake But if you changed your name on marriage you literally did change your identity, including on all your important documentation. You basically erased your previous identity.

The difference is when women change their name it makes a choice to uphold the patriarchy, which directly affects all women. The choice to change a surname on marriage has a ripple effect further than most people comprehend.

@onlyhereforthecake yes, I see SOME women as having little confidence and strength, correct - and so what? Are you saying all women are strong and confident? That would be ridiculous claim to make, just like not all men have confidence and strength either.

@WellLarDeDar

I'm fine with hearing opinions and discussing things but you are just trying offend people. You're not contributing to the discussion you're just judging people and trying to fuel and argument and it's toxic. It bothers me that people like you come on here patting yourself on the back for being a feminist when actually you're just here trying to spread toxicity. Feminism isnt about being an asshole to people. Gives real feminists a bad name.

I think it's pretty toxic when women make a choice to directly uphold the patriarchy, it's not just about wedding stationery and a bit of documentation there is more at stake than that.

[quote CandlesBlanketsandTea]@onlyhereforthecake But if you changed your name on marriage you literally did change your identity, including on all your important documentation. You basically erased your previous identity.

The difference is when women change their name it makes a choice to uphold the patriarchy, which directly affects all women. The choice to change a surname on marriage has a ripple effect further than most people comprehend.[/quote]
Precisely , I actually get upset that some women can't even recognise this. It makes me think there is little hope for us.

Call me judgemental I don't care. But there are some things that affect women as a group and this is one of them.

It undermines a lot of what we campaign for and that's just the truth of the matter.

On one hand take me seriously, on another I'll just erase my whole identity because I married someone.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@onlyhereforthecake yes, I see SOME women as having little confidence and strength, correct - and so what? Are you saying all women are strong and confident? That would be ridiculous claim to make, just like not all men have confidence and strength either.

[/quote]
no, but don't blame me for that.

I am not anti-feminist because I don't base my own life around some unknown women having confidence issues.

It's really disappointing to see how many women are calling other women "sad", "weird", old-fashioned" and other sorts of things for taking their husband's surname. I for one would not class myself as any of those things and I can happily say I am not submissive or was forced to take my husband's name. I did so purely because I wanted to and that's what made ME happy. A good colleague of mine will be joining hers and her fiancé's names together to create a new name and I think thats great too because that's what makes THEM happy.

This will probably get me a lot of shit back but it's so so sad to see so many women claiming to be feminists on this post and then bashing on other women for choosing what they wanted to do for themselves.

People really need to consider that some people simply just have different views from themselves and that doesn't make either person any less right or wrong.

”I'm sorry that happened to you, it shouldn't have happened. Why not change it before you got married if it holds so much pain?”

Because it would have hurt my dad, who I loved, @CandlesBlanketsandTea, and because my mum would have been very cross (and I was scared of her) - and partly because it didn’t occur to me. I left home and moved a long way away, and my new colleagues and friends didn’t come up with the same nickname (they did’t bully me at all, much to my surprise).

But if you changed your name on marriage you literally did change your identity, including on all your important documentation. You basically erased your previous identity.

I didn't erase anything
or change my identity either. I just changed my family name, no need for ridiculous hyperboles.

Take Carrie Johnson (or any woman in the public eye), she didn't erase Carrie Symonds because she has chosen to take her husband name now.

What a completely ridiculous thing to say.

Great incentive for men to change THEIR name though: go, you will erase your previous identity, but go for it

@tillytown

How are the people claiming women don't have their own names being serious? Maiden names aren't a thing anymore, last names are just last names, women aren't their fathers property, and no one has to change name when they get married. Its so weird seeing the sexists being adamant that women can only ever have their fathers or husbands names, never their own, it's the same mindset that MRAs have.

Women do have their own names. Married names count just as much. But barring uncommon practices, they're still all male line names. Which is why, if it's offensive to have your husband's name because it implies he owns you, it's no better to go your whole life with your father's name because you got his name by default for exactly the same reason...and you had no choice.

If my father's name can be my name because he said so, why can't my married name be my name because I said so?