Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought

That's because it's not your maiden name, it's your name. The one you've (presumably) had since birth, a part of your identity. Did you go through the last 20/30/40/50 years of your life introducing yourself to people with 'my maiden name is Sarah Jones'? No.

There is no wrong answer, you can keep yours or take your DH's name. Keeping their own identity is important to some people, which is why some of us won't be changing our names upon marriage. Changing your name is a completely valid choice, but not doing so wouldn't mean you're now going 'by your maiden name'. You'd still have your name, like you have until now.

Echoing PPs who say my name isn't a man's name either.

I'm Spanish and one of the practices I love most in this country is that we all have both our dad's and mum's names. One surname from each parent, and when I have children I will also pass on one of mine. It used to traditionally be the dad's that was passed down, but that's not always the case anymore.

My full name includes both a part of my dad and my mum. It's the name my parents gave me, as opposed to 'my dad gave me'. It's sometimes a faff in certain countries, but regardless of where my children are born, they will be getting both their parents' names. Why wouldn't they?

It's much easier (and cohesive) if a family have one name - if they're married. If you're not married, I'd always give a DC my name.

I was happy to take DH's name, its a nice one, it doesn't double barrel with mine and it's a good strong surname, so I'm happy for it to be our family name.

@Phantasmo You taking a man's name was a conscious anti-feminist choice. That's fine, but own it.

My poor DH has seen his family decimated by cancer, illness and other tragedy which means he is the only one left and the only one with his surname. His whole family history is wrapped up in his surname. I took his surname so that he would have me with it too as part of his family. And any children we have would have the same name too. We may not be able to have children so it means even more to him now that someone else shares his name and gives him a sense of belonging. I don’t see what is anti feminist about my choice.

Does it get cold up their on your pedestal casting scorn and judgement on others decisions?

Thank you everyone for the responses. So interesting to hear what everyone has to say and the discussion is fun! Nice to know other people have chosen to make their original surname a middle name so I think I am warming to that idea.

I appreciate those sharing the feminist POV but please dont tell me I shouldnt take my DHs name or be judgemental. A large % of women do, its very common and it's entirely my choice and I'm in no way a poor submissive helpless woman having my name taken from me! Changing my name in no way diminishes my value or status as a strong independent woman.

It's true it comes from archaic traditions but traditions can be reclaimed. I feel in no way pressured or controlled into the name change, it is completely up to me. I personally like the idea of sharing a surname, it gives me a sense of unity and it's kind of an exciting representation of a new part of our life starting. Kind of like when my title changed from Miss to Doctor. But I do love my family name as obviously I associated it with different parts of my life.

You can relax, @ForeverAintEnough3. Apparently approx. 90% of women in the UK take their husband's name. You're very much in the majority and I'm sure can just about cope with some criticism of the tradition.

[quote WellLarDeDar]Thank you everyone for the responses. So interesting to hear what everyone has to say and the discussion is fun! Nice to know other people have chosen to make their original surname a middle name so I think I am warming to that idea.

I appreciate those sharing the feminist POV but please dont tell me I shouldnt take my DHs name or be judgemental. A large % of women do, its very common and it's entirely my choice and I'm in no way a poor submissive helpless woman having my name taken from me! Changing my name in no way diminishes my value or status as a strong independent woman.

It's true it comes from archaic traditions but traditions can be reclaimed. I feel in no way pressured or controlled into the name change, it is completely up to me. I personally like the idea of sharing a surname, it gives me a sense of unity and it's kind of an exciting representation of a new part of our life starting. Kind of like when my title changed from Miss to Doctor. But I do love my family name as obviously I associated it with different parts of my life.

I personally like the idea of sharing a surname, it gives me a sense of unity and it's kind of an exciting representation of a new part of our life starting.

Is there any reason the name you 'share' couldn't be your name?

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked

@onlyhereforthecake

That was me and I stand by it. And in no way am I saying I'm better than anyone and unaffected. The socialisation that getting married is the ultimate win for women did a huge number on me - big pressure from family, FOMO from peers getting married, anguish because he hadn't proposed, fear that I'd end up alone, envy at weddings etc. It got so bad it ended in an ultimatum and he agreed to marry me when looking back I don't think he really wanted to but it still felt like a win because I'd completed that goal I'd be fed from birth.

Was just getting into feminism at the time so was staunch on the name thing but have done a lot of learning since then and can now see my need to conform for what it was.

Not saying marriage is a bad thing and I actually do think finding someone you want to commit to and making it work is an achievement and deserves celebrating. But I still do think There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

[quote thisplaceisweird]@kayakingmum your master of ceremonies can say whatever you want him to say! Don't let that be a blocker to such an important decision[/quote]
Thanks but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what he can say instead.
Maybe - "here is the happy couple - First name partner and first name me". It's really tricky.

I did the same as @MackieMayor
Been almost 20 yes too
Technically I changed my name to his but email etc and work stuff is maiden name and it works well for me.

Ladies and Gentlemen.. the bride and groom!

The socialisation that getting married is the ultimate win for women

I think you should separate 2 things:

the "being picked" aspect, which is debatable
the "legal protection" to wives and more importantly mothers.

Not saying marriage is a bad thing and I actually do think finding someone you want to commit to and making it work is an achievement and deserves celebrating. But I still do think There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

I agree. What I don't understand is why I have never had any desire to. Been together twenty years and I don't know what it's all about, I'd hate everything about marriage. The wedding for starters

My husband took his surname and kept his as a middle name. So yes, perfectly possible.

If you want to keep your name though, do. There's also no rule you have to make any change on your wedding day. You can keep your name and review it later if you change your mind.

@onlyhereforthecake

The socialisation that getting married is the ultimate win for women

I think you should separate 2 things:

the "being picked" aspect, which is debatable
the "legal protection" to wives and more importantly mothers.

Yes, legal protection is incredibly important - there should be much more education around it that - so many women get screwed over.

But is it the main motivation for wanting the proposal and the wedding? Not as often as it might be.

I have been doing research into my family history and it's very fruastrating trying to find female ancestors, they just disappear once they marry. A bit off topic but I was reading Barack Obama's book and he was talking about his first visit to Africa, he could trace his male relatives back a fair bit but the women's names and history weren't passed down at all. All those women, just forgotten. I think it's quite sad really, and i hope my dds keep their names'. Not their father's name, or their maiden name, their name.

@IcedPurple

Great. I am personally fine with this one and glad I could use it to my advantage. I respect any other woman's choice to change or retain her name as she wishes. If it changes so that men can do it just as easily, that's great too.

It can only change when men want it to change, which they don't, because almost no man would give up his name and family history for a woman's.

And that's exactly why I don't think it makes any feminist difference which relic of ownership you prefer to use. Born under one, marry into the other, either way you're under that relic, so just choose whichever one offends you least or makes you happy.

Well no. If Sarah Smith keeps her name and passes it on to her children, then they're taking their mother's name, aren't they?

And the name I was born with is my name.

They're still taking their grandfather's name. I don't see how it's significantly different from what we usually do now, though, because it's still your father's, or kids' grandfather's, name. They're almost all male line names ultimately at this stage and I don't find it objectionable for women to decide which line they prefer.

Maybe if I'd liked my maiden name and its connotations more, I'd have done something like that, but it's still male line so I don't think I'd have felt I was making a massive point. I'm not going to saddle myself all my life with what is, to me, a toxic and ugly-sounding name rather than the one I prefer to have in order to satisfy someone else's principle.

I simply do not see "born under this name, relic of father ownership" as significantly different or preferable to "take married name, relic of husband ownership", especially when the latter is a choice.

@Marmaladee

Not saying marriage is a bad thing and I actually do think finding someone you want to commit to and making it work is an achievement and deserves celebrating. But I still do think There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

I agree. What I don't understand is why I have never had any desire to. Been together twenty years and I don't know what it's all about, I'd hate everything about marriage. The wedding for starters

You probably should look into what it's all about if you really don't know what it entails and what it might mean for you. You still may well decide you don't want to do it, but it would be an informed choice.

Got married in 2007 and most people I know didn't take their husbands name as felt was sexist. The fact that people do now makes me wince a bit tbh

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

It's old fashioned and sad that women still feel the need to do this. I know it's not a popular view but why? It comes from when men owned women

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

So, for your husband it's his name, but for you it's your father's? What a load of crap.

No one owns a name. Once my name was entered onto that birth certificate, the name became mine, not just my dad's. I've neverer changed my name, and have zero intention to do so. I have a name so don't see the point.

The handmaidens who refuse to countenance the idea that a woman has her own name at any point in her life.

My husband's name is also his father's, and so on. What I'm just not feeling is the idea that it's so much more feminist and yay women to have my father's name than my father in law's name. I follow the logic, but ultimately, father's name or father in law's name, I don't feel I'm making a massive feminist statement either way.

You could maybe choose a new name together as a couple. I do actually know a few people who did that. Personally I just didn't feel strongly enough about it. Husband has a lovely name that goes well with mine, and I like him. That was fine for me.

I didn't change my name as my is nicer.

plus faff of admin.