Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

You didn't take your husband's name. You took his male ancestors' name.

Yes, and to me, it's no different from a feminist perspective than taking my male ancestors' name. It's still dictated by men.

So your name was your father's name but your husband's name is his name?

They are both male line names. I'll sometimes use "his name" and "my name" as shortcuts but they are both male line names.

It's that I consider my name my name. I was born with it and have used it all my life.

I consider my name my name. I took it by choice and will use it all my life. I will, assuming I live long enough, reach a point where I've had it longer than my birth name.

Nobody is being disrespectful.

Oh, they really are. Several women on here have made comments that would stop me marrying any man if they came out of his mouth...

Strongly agree @IcedPurple

And the implication that questioning this tradition equates to wanting you to be unable to escape trauma from abuse and bullying is very unfair.

If it helps you to cope to change your surname, then I'm all for that but that is not the case in the majority of name changes and not something that many men who have been bullied and abused by family tend to do so I believe it's still a feminist issue worth repeatedly questioning and unpacking.

I was bullied for my surname - but my mum and my sisters in law and wives of cousins all chose to opt into it.

@DrSbaitso

Oh, and I didn't think of taking my mother's maiden name either because GUESS HOW THAT WAS DETERMINED TOO???

I don't understand your reasoning, shouty block capitals or not.

If the aim was to get rid of your father's name, wouldn't your mother's name have been a good and convenient alternative?

It can't be that the fact that the name was in the male line bothered you, as you happily took the name of your huband's male ancestors. If you'd taken your mother's name, you could have offloaded the name you hated without waitng for a man to marry you. So this doesn't really make sense.

@MostTacticalNameChange

I was bullied for my surname - but my mum and my sisters in law and wives of cousins all chose to opt into it.

Yeah - it's funny how men aren't embarrassed by their surnames to the point of wanting to take on a woman's name, isn't it? Roughly equal numbers of men and women have the same nice/ugly/interesting/difficult to spell names, yet the 'choice' is almost always to take the man's name.

We had someone above saying she had an unusual name and chose to take her husband's because it was more 'normal'. Her choice, obviously, but time and again you'll see women saying they took their husband's name because their name was 'boring' and their husband's was so much more unusual and interesting.

It seems that however you slice it, men's names are just better.

I kept my name, as I was very attached to it and don’t particularly like DHs. However it’s amazing how many people still address me by my non existent married name, even after we’ve told them otherwise. I just do a slight eye roll now and move on. You don’t need to decide straight away though - maybe test out the name unofficially for a bit and if you like it then change, but if not keep yours :)

Sigh.

If the aim was to get rid of your father's name, wouldn't your mother's name have been a good and convenient alternative?

It was a possibility. It's still a male line name. Like the one I had before and the one I had now. What difference does it make? Why not choose a different name entirely if you feel so strongly about it?

I could have opted out of the male line stuff completely by changing my name by deed poll. I didn't, but nor did you. That's fine. You don't object to male line through your father, I don't object to male line through my father in law. Neither of us chose an all new name so why am I the one who has to justify it?

I might have ditched my old name if I'd got to a point where marriage seemed unlikely. I didn't opt out of male line stuff but neither did you. Once I got engaged I saw I had a clear, easy choice, and it was a no brainer.

And the implication that questioning this tradition equates to wanting you to be unable to escape trauma from abuse and bullying is very unfair.

There has been no such implication, but if it hadn't occurred to you that some women opt to choose their names in part because of this, let it occur to you now.

not something that many men who have been bullied and abused by family tend to do

Because it isn't a cultural norm, so it carries implications and social questions that it wouldn't for women. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. When a choice is made easy, people are more likely to take it.

Because it isn't a cultural norm, so it carries implications and social questions that it wouldn't for women. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. When a choice is made easy, people are more likely to take it.

Yes...spot on. And that is why it is sexist.

I could have opted out of the male line stuff completely by changing my name by deed poll. I didn't, but nor did you. That's fine. You don't object to male line through your father, I don't object to male line through my father in law. Neither of us chose an all new name so why am I the one who has to justify it?

Because you said - in block capitals just in case we didn't get it - that the reason you didn't take your mother's name was because it was in the male line. But that doesn't bother you because you happily took the name of your husband's male ancestors. I'm just pointing out the contradiction here.

As for me, I've already explained my position, which is quite consistent. I see the names people are born with as their names. I've explained this several times already so I'm not going to repeat myself as we're talking in circles at this point.

Because it isn't a cultural norm, so it carries implications and social questions that it wouldn't for women. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. When a choice is made easy, people are more likely to take it.

But as I said above, cultural norms can and do change all the time. But only when people want them to change. Men are very happy with the cultural norm that sees women and children take their name, and so have no motive to change it. Even if their wives have 'nicer' names.

I don't have a relationship with my dad so wanted to shred the name ASAP.'I love having the same name as my husband but a lot of my friends have kept their name. I think moving your maiden to middle is lovely and my husband has his mother's maiden name as his middle name and our child will too I think ids a great tradition

I’m married and have my husbands surname. For me it was never a choice or a decision. I always knew I would take my husbands name if and when I got married. To me it’s the traditional way and thing to do. I love the idea of it. I couldn’t wait to change my name and be a Mrs. In fact I hate it if I’m referred to as Ms instead, I feel I should be addressed the correct way and the way I want to be.

I feel in terms of written address, if it’s just to me it should be Mrs My Initial Joint Surname. If it’s to both my husband and I the traditional form of address for a married opposite sex couple, Mr and Mrs Husbands Initial Joint Surname. Or if it’s more formal Mr and Mrs Husbands Full First Name Joint Surname.

If it’s verbal address, just me should be Mrs Joint Surname. If it’s both of us then again Mr and Mrs Joint Surname. Or again if it’s more formal then Mr and Mrs Husbands Full First Name Joint Surname.

I’ve never felt like I’m less of a person or I’ve lost my identity, to me I feel it’s the correct traditional form of address for me as a married woman with my husbands surname, and I’d hate it if it didn’t happen.

In fact it meant so much to me that I first met my husband end of April 2014. We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.

So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.

Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. We did it because I wanted us to all have the same name on as much of the paperwork as possible and especially on the birth certificate, it meant a lot to me. In fact my first appointment after the wedding was the second scan. We made sure we had plenty of time before the appointment so I could get my name changed on the system before my appointment. I did. That was obviously the first time I’d been called by my married name, I loved hearing it and seeing it on the paperwork and especially on the scan photos.

I also think that we, women, need to break this stupid tradition.
When you tell a man to take a woman's name (if his is really stupid) everybody would go nuts! The same is with the surname of the baby.. Nobody would agree for the baby to take the surname of the mother - who carried it for 9 months and gave birth..

I can understand doing it if the name is maybe ugly or you had a bad relationship with the father or so.. but taking it because it's tradition it doesn't make sense (IMO).

@happymummy12345

I’m married and have my husbands surname. For me it was never a choice or a decision. I always knew I would take my husbands name if and when I got married. To me it’s the traditional way and thing to do. I love the idea of it. I couldn’t wait to change my name and be a Mrs. In fact I hate it if I’m referred to as Ms instead, I feel I should be addressed the correct way and the way I want to be.

I feel in terms of written address, if it’s just to me it should be Mrs My Initial Joint Surname. If it’s to both my husband and I the traditional form of address for a married opposite sex couple, Mr and Mrs Husbands Initial Joint Surname. Or if it’s more formal Mr and Mrs Husbands Full First Name Joint Surname.

If it’s verbal address, just me should be Mrs Joint Surname. If it’s both of us then again Mr and Mrs Joint Surname. Or again if it’s more formal then Mr and Mrs Husbands Full First Name Joint Surname.

I’ve never felt like I’m less of a person or I’ve lost my identity, to me I feel it’s the correct traditional form of address for me as a married woman with my husbands surname, and I’d hate it if it didn’t happen.

In fact it meant so much to me that I first met my husband end of April 2014. We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.

So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.

Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. We did it because I wanted us to all have the same name on as much of the paperwork as possible and especially on the birth certificate, it meant a lot to me. In fact my first appointment after the wedding was the second scan. We made sure we had plenty of time before the appointment so I could get my name changed on the system before my appointment. I did. That was obviously the first time I’d been called by my married name, I loved hearing it and seeing it on the paperwork and especially on the scan photos.

So you think it is okay to relinquish your whole identity and be known as Mrs husband’s first name, husband’s surname?

I have no words!!

I’m married and have my husbands surname. For me it was never a choice or a decision. I always knew I would take my husbands name if and when I got married. To me it’s the traditional way and thing to do.

I mean no disrespect by this, but isn't it also the traditional way to wait until you are married before getting pregnant?

You don't seem equally attached to all 'traditions'.

My husbands name is really boring so we’ve double barrelled. Also my daughter from previous relationship ship has my surname and I didn’t want her to be the only one with a different name. So she goes by our double barrelled name.

I also think that we, women, need to break this stupid tradition.

You don't get to decide what other women do.
Keep your own name by all means, but women do not need to do anything.

But I do pity people with such a low self-esteem that they feel they would somehow lose their identity by changing name.

It seems that however you slice it, men's names are just better.

My husband has a much nicer name than me. Still kept my own name though.

I consider my name my name. I took it by choice and will use it all my life.

What if your husband ditched you and married someone else who also became Mrs Hisname? Then you met someone else and they had a super duper best name ever name, and you married them and had children with them? Still keeping first husband, 'use all my life' name? Moving on to your third last name or keeping the same name as you ex new wife (and his mum)? What's it to be?

It was odd when we got married. I didn’t change my name and nor did his ex. So the real Mrs Something was Ms Toes. And the ex was still Mrs Something.

It's such an awful tradition. No part of it for me thank you!

I def had a wobble a few days before marrying
I think keeping your maiden name as a middle is a nice and appropriate thing to do
I took my husband’s name in the end and no regrets at all. But I’m a bit old fashioned at the end of the day
I have several friends whose kids are a different name to their mums. I personally wouldn’t like that for me

Just give them the mother's name then?

I took my husband’s name and was and still an happy about it. But I do occasionally miss being called my maiden name and have on a few occasions accidentally written or said my old name.

Ds has my maiden name as his middle name - it is a fairly common boys first name as well as a surname.

I always assumed I would keep my name - professional career, some publications under my maiden name. But actually when it came time, I decided I definitely wanted to change my name to dh's.

I have no family who shared my maiden name. My dad died when I was a teenager and I have no relationship with his side of the family. I have no relationship with any of my biological family at this point anyway. But looking at dh's family, I really felt the pull to have a family of people I shared a name with because I'd never had that. I also wanted to have the same name as dc but not keen on hyphenating names (personally I think it sounds wanky). So it was actually a really easy choice. Maybe would have felt differently if I felt some tie to my maiden name and my family - but it was quite cathartic and freeing to cut it loose.

I don't think it's weird to make your maiden name your middle name though. My mum did that when she married (before she married again and now we're NC). It depends though if you particularly like your middle name and would be sad to see it go.

It’s a dire, reactionary ‘tradition’ that would benefit all women by being firmly quashed.

Am I the only one who feels slightly queasy at the term 'maiden name'? It's so archaic and Victorian.

What's the male equivalent of 'maiden'? Is there even an equivalent?