Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

Oh yeah 'maiden name' needs to die. Harks back to a time of virginal brides.

@IcedPurple

Am I the only one who feels slightly queasy at the term 'maiden name'? It's so archaic and Victorian.

What's the male equivalent of 'maiden'? Is there even an equivalent?

I agree. It is as if women’s actual birth names are just ‘starter names’ like ‘starter homes’ or learner driver L plates, purely in preparation for their ‘married name’, which is somehow fully owned by their husband.

I propose calling men’s birth names ‘ickle boy starter names’.

I'm far more bothered about the term 'maiden name', and continue to be surprised that some women, no matter which name they choose to call themselves by, are seemingly still happy to accept it.

It's worse than anachronistic, it's positively antediluvian. I find it repulsive. Strong words, I know. But in this instance I think them appropriate.

Maiden just means first, hence maiden voyage.

@Blossomtoes

Maiden just means first, hence maiden voyage.

Yes, but think about what ‘maiden’ means.

That is what it means!

@eurochick

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.

Likewise.

Nor would I ever accept the title 'Mrs' - unless, as with Frau/Madame in France and Germany it became a default title once all females reached adulthood.

I use 'Dr' (mainly as as a means of circumventing annoying conversation) or failing that, Ms. My preference would be for no title at all. Unless in a professional capacity what purpose do they actually serve?

I regret doing it
I wish I had double barrelled both myself and the kids name.

@Blossomtoes

Maiden just means first, hence maiden voyage.

The term 'maiden' is exclusively used for women and has implications of virginity. Hence the term 'maidenhead'. The idea is that a woman is a virgin she gives herself and her 'maidenhead' to her husband at marriage.

I agree with @MarieIVanArkleStinks I'm amazed that women still happily use that archaic, sexist term. Like I said, there is no male equivalent. Presumably because male virginity is not a 'commodity' and men aren't expected to change identity because a woman deigned to marry them.

A maiden is a virginal young woman

@Blossomtoes

That is what it means!

No, ‘maiden’ is used for firsts because of its primary meaning of ‘unmarried woman’. Hence ‘maiden voyage’, maiden over’ etc.

Maiden over doesn’t mean the first, it’s one in which no runs are scored. Confusing, isn’t it?

The term 'maiden' is exclusively used for women and has implications of virginity. Hence the term 'maidenhead'. The idea is that a woman is a virgin she gives herself and her 'maidenhead' to her husband at marriage.

Indeed. It's grotesque.

Thinking about there being no male equivalent, I've wracked my brains for one and deduced that 'seminal' might be about the closest. It carries the meaning of something extremely influential or game-changing (not unlike the assumption that a man's name remains his and a woman's is somehow borrowed from a man). It also has deeply personal underlying meanings, the like of which no stranger can claim an interest, particularly on first introduction.

Yet we don't insist upon men's names being known as 'seminal' names. Funny, that.

Anyone thinking the above sounds gross might want to revisit the term 'maiden'. They are equally vile, IMO, but 'maiden' is the vilest as it's so internalized people don't tend to bother about how deeply personal and offensive to women this is.

Family name will do nicely, thanks.

@onlyhereforthecake

I also think that we, women, need to break this stupid tradition.

You don't get to decide what other women do.
Keep your own name by all means, but women do not need to do anything.

But I do pity people with such a low self-esteem that they feel they would somehow lose their identity by changing name.

I wish i could decide tbh 🙄..but if you read what i wrote i said i think..meaning it's my opinion. Of course everyone is free to do what they want but i was showing how stupid the double standards are.

Nor would I ever accept the title 'Mrs' - unless, as with Frau/Madame in France and Germany it became a default title once all females reached adulthood.

As far as I know, English is the only European language with a word specifically demoting married status in women. Words like Madame, Frau, Signora etc are used for all adult women regardless of marital status.

When I lived in Italy many years ago I was signorina so was slightly wistful to hear myself being called 'signora' when I returned in my 40s! I think these days terms like Mademoiselle and Fraulein are falling out of use, and even young adult women are simply called Madame or Frau. Good move. We don't go around calling young men 'master Jones' these days, do we?

Both my DH and I come from blended families, so the idea that you need the same name to be a family is foreign to us.

Our kids will be double-barrelled, but we're perfectly happy as we are.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of 'Mrs' either. My marital status is none of your beeswax. So much nonsense around titles. Like with Sir and Miss in school. The male teacher gets the imposing 'sir' and the female teacher gets the girlish 'miss' no matter her age.

Maybe we should start calling all unmarried men "master"?

I also think there's something almost attention-seeking about changing it in a work context. I used to work in an office with about five Catherines, one of them got married and changed her name: I didn't work with her every day but frequently I had to search for emails she'd sent with info that would occasionally become relevant.

I feel your pain on this one. A member of my admin team has the same forename as mine. She married and changed her family name so that it's now identical to mine. Now I receive numerous admin inquiries intended for her and she is constantly forwarding email intended for me. I'm irrationally irritated by the whole situation.

I just don't see the logic of changing your name on marriage. Personally i think that children should be named after their mother, married or not. And yes 'maiden name' needs to go in the bin. You name is your name, and a female's name shouldn't be seen as temporary imo.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I also think there's something almost attention-seeking about changing it in a work context. I used to work in an office with about five Catherines, one of them got married and changed her name: I didn't work with her every day but frequently I had to search for emails she'd sent with info that would occasionally become relevant.

I feel your pain on this one. A member of my admin team has the same forename as mine. She married and changed her family name so that it's now identical to mine. Now I receive numerous admin inquiries intended for her and she is constantly forwarding email intended for me. I'm irrationally irritated by the whole situation.

This is very unreasonable of you! She's legally entitled to that name.

If ever there was a case for a "professional name" surely that would be it - must be some confidentiality issues too. She needs an initial or something. Actors aren't allowed to have the same name as another living actor, are they?

No, actors can't have the same name as another actor, although sometime they will add an extra initial to differentiate. The actor Killian Scott is actually a Killian Murphy but the very pretty Cillian Murphy got there before him.

And apparently in many salons hairdressers aren't allowed have the same name either (which I can understand) so they have to adopt a 'stage name' for work.

I took his name.
Now I have to pay to change everything back.
I won't be doing that again. My name is way cooler.

We married at 25 and I took his name with my (unusual) maiden name as a middle name. Double-barrelling would not have been an option, give the number of syllables involved. Our three DDs have the same middle name and so does my DH, and I do like that shared connection. 23 years on and very happy in my marriage, I do still think of myself as my maiden name, and I know that if I had married at the age I am now, I'd not have changed my name.