Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

I would only change my name if my partner would agree to creating a new surname (formed from our individual surnames).

Otherwise, we keep our own and any children would be double barrelled. Or they would take my surname, and my husband change change his name to match us if it is a concern.

This is very unreasonable of you! She's legally entitled to that name.

I've hardly issued a formal complaint or suggested she change it back. I know it's unreasonable. I also know I don't have a monopoly on my name. But the whole practice of name-changing seems silly and unnecessary to me, especially working in an environment where it's very much the exception rather than the norm.

It's simply a minor irritant.

YeokensYegg - your name's cooler because it belongs to you, just as much as it belongs to any brothers you might have. It isn't your father's; it's a name that has been yours since shortly after your birth. This idea that a woman's name is only hers until a man turns up to claim them is incomprehensible to me. It also seems to be an oddly western phenomenon, and not all areas of the west at that.

@YellowMonday

I would only change my name if my partner would agree to creating a new surname (formed from our individual surnames).

Otherwise, we keep our own and any children would be double barrelled. Or they would take my surname, and my husband change change his name to match us if it is a concern.

Good for you.

You see a lot of posts on threads like this saying they changed their name because they couldn't imagine their children having a different name. Options other than using just the father's name are available.

You see a lot of posts on threads like this saying they changed their name because they couldn't imagine their children having a different name. Options other than using just the father's name are available.

My children are double barrelled, my name first but only because it flowed better that way.

My solution would be -
Everyone keeps their own name on marriage (absolutely no need to have the same name as your partner).
Children double barrelled using both parents names.
If parents divorced, nobody needs change their name.
If parents remarry and have more children, new children double barrelled again using their parents names.
For the next generation, adults keep their own double barrelled names when they marry.
Any children take one name from each of their parents so they're double barrelled.

This way nobody ever need change their name and have all the unnecessary admin.
Children all always share a name with both their mother and father, regardless of divorce and remarriage.
Children also share a full last name with siblings and half a name with half siblings.

You're welcome

@Kendodd

You see a lot of posts on threads like this saying they changed their name because they couldn't imagine their children having a different name. Options other than using just the father's name are available.

My children are double barrelled, my name first but only because it flowed better that way.

My solution would be -
Everyone keeps their own name on marriage (absolutely no need to have the same name as your partner).
Children double barrelled using both parents names.
If parents divorced, nobody needs change their name.
If parents remarry and have more children, new children double barrelled again using their parents names.
For the next generation, adults keep their own double barrelled names when they marry.
Any children take one name from each of their parents so they're double barrelled.

This way nobody ever need change their name and have all the unnecessary admin.
Children all always share a name with both their mother and father, regardless of divorce and remarriage.
Children also share a full last name with siblings and half a name with half siblings.

You're welcome

Isn't that pretty much what they do in Spain and South America?

Some people - oviously not you - act as though taking the man's name is the default - which I guess it is here - but lots of other cultures do things differently. It's by no means a universal tradition.

I honestly don’t think that anyone’s WHOLE identity is bound up in their name - it is a part of it, of course, but I think there is more to it. I feel that I added to my identity when I took dh’s name.

However, I accept that this is my subjective view, and if someone does feel that changing their name would mean losing their identity, then I support their right to choose not to.

But I think the narrative of calling those of us who did change our names bad feminists is unacceptable.

I’m definitely on the young side for this website, young and unmarried but love the feminist analysis. I agree that feminism has been mistakenly been made about choice. I’m a student and some of the girls at my school left to be very young mothers. Is that their choice? Absolutely. Do I Respect them? 100%. However we don’t live in vacuum and our choice should be analysed by looking at the subjugation of our sex. It’s not wrong to ask “why is it predominantly women who leave school for childcare” even though its their choice. It’s not wrong to critique that given that were told from a young age to change our name there’s plenty of unfeminist reasons that we’re told that. If you want to be a unit why doesn’t your husband feel pressure to change his name? Not everything is feminist just because its a choice made by a woman. I shave because I feel a patriarchal societal pressure to. It would be more feminist to show young women its normal not to but I’m human and sometimes make a non feminist choice. It doesn’t make me a bad person. Women aren’t stupid and analysing our thought process in a patriarchal society doesn’t mean our choices are vapid

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I honestly don’t think that anyone’s WHOLE identity is bound up in their name - it is a part of it, of course, but I think there is more to it. I feel that I added to my identity when I took dh’s name.

However, I accept that this is my subjective view, and if someone does feel that changing their name would mean losing their identity, then I support their right to choose not to.

But I think the narrative of calling those of us who did change our names bad feminists is unacceptable.

I wouldn't call anyone a 'bad feminist'. Even the most ardent feminists will make choices which are unfeminist from time to time. I consider myself a feminist but I sometimes wear makeup, pushup bras and high heels. Some would consider that unfeminist behaviour and maybe they're right.

Taking a man's name is a woman's choice, but it is not a feminist choice. How could it be? The number of men who take a woman's name is vanishingly small. You say that taking your husband's name 'added to your identity'. Did your husband not want to 'add' to his identity in the same way?

Unless something close to 50% of name changes involve a man taking a woman's name, I don't see how anyone can say this is not a gendered decision.

@IcedPurple

Nor would I ever accept the title 'Mrs' - unless, as with Frau/Madame in France and Germany it became a default title once all females reached adulthood.

As far as I know, English is the only European language with a word specifically demoting married status in women. Words like Madame, Frau, Signora etc are used for all adult women regardless of marital status.

When I lived in Italy many years ago I was signorina so was slightly wistful to hear myself being called 'signora' when I returned in my 40s! I think these days terms like Mademoiselle and Fraulein are falling out of use, and even young adult women are simply called Madame or Frau. Good move. We don't go around calling young men 'master Jones' these days, do we?

These days signorina tends to have the connotation of spinster of the parish so you'd probably be happier with signora🤣 People will talk about any unmarried woman over the age of about 40 and say "if course, she has remained a signorina" said with that cat's bum mouth as if they were saying "works down the lapdance club and covers men in treacle then licks it off".

”You say that taking your husband's name 'added to your identity'. Did your husband not want to 'add' to his identity in the same way?”

Honestly, @IcedPurple, I didn’t ask. And it was 29 years ago, so I was less of a feminist then, and thought less about these issues - and we briefly considering hyphenating our names, but either way round, it sounded ridiculous. So,I guess his name was the default option, and luckily we were happy with that - I was, and he didn’t mention anything, so I assume he was too.

I agree that feminism has been mistakenly been made about choice

Why is that a mistake? Feminism is all about choice, that’s why back in the dark ages when my feminism began it was called women’s liberation.

Bull shit is feminism about choice. What lies you have been sold.
Any moron knows that.

Work out what you will name your children, then decide

@Taliskerskye

Bull shit is feminism about choice. What lies you have been sold. Any moron knows that.

What lies have I been sold for the last 50 years?

Those who use their 'maiden' (ugh) name as their middle name - explain this to me, for I am hard of thinking.

I have four middle names (youngest in a generation, saddled with panicky choices).

The only people who could probably tell you all of those names would be me and perhaps my mum (and even she might have to look at my birth certificate to remind herself).

They're on my birth certificate, passport and driving licence, but I certainly don't use them on a daily basis - first name and last name only (unmarried, my name is the one I was given at birth and it shall remain so).

How do you use yours, and if you do use it/them on a daily basis, how does that differ from double barrelling?

@Blossomtoes

I agree that feminism has been mistakenly been made about choice

Why is that a mistake? Feminism is all about choice, that’s why back in the dark ages when my feminism began it was called women’s liberation.

Liberation from inequality and oppression, not from lack of choice. There's a connection, but equality is more than being able to make choices.

I kept my name but don't bother correcting people who assume I changed it socially.
I never really gave it much thought what other people do but I have noticed as the years go by it's the less confident of my friends/family who took their DHs name.

Liberation from inequality and oppression, not from lack of choice. There's a connection, but equality is more than being able to make choices

Inequality and repression mean choice is impossible. Feminism isn’t about exchanging the tyranny of patriarchy for tyranny in a different form. Nor is about castigating women for making the “wrong” choices.

@M0rT

I kept my name but don't bother correcting people who assume I changed it socially. I never really gave it much thought what other people do but I have noticed as the years go by it's the less confident of my friends/family who took their DHs name.

The less confident? This is not my experience at all. Of my group of friends I have two management accountants, an office manager, several teachers, a bank manager, a pub owner and a few who own their own successful businesses... All took their husband's name. Certainly no lack of confidence there

@IcedPurple I personally can't understand why the default option is for women to change their surname to their husband's so their children will match. Why not the other way around? I find it so strange. Especially when the divorce rate sits around 33%.

I also cannot stand the fact the standard is for women go from Miss to Mrs - our title literally identifies whether we are married or not. I go by Ms and have been criticised since I turned 18 (that's used if you're a "divorcee" etc). Compared to men who get Master (unused in modern times) or Mr - neither which can identify your marriage status.

I tried to sign in to my work email with my maiden name the other day was so confused why it didn't work!

Kept my name. Felt it was part of me and my identity. He didn’t want to take my name so we just kept our own. Was much easier when we got divorced!

I kept my name but not out of any particular principle, it was just more practical for various reasons. Some of those reasons are changing in the next few months so I'm considering changing it to DH's name then, but I don't know if I can be bothered with the faff of changing it with all the various organisations. I'm thinking of changing my first name at the same time to make it all worthwhile!

I am a Ms and have been since I was an adult - never been criticised for it. Very few people even realised that I got married.

We chose a new surname, we both kept our surname (although dh has recently been talking about ditching it) and double barrelled it with a new one. So maiden name-new surname for both.
Mr Smith-Jones and mrs White-Jones type thing

@DinosaurDiana

If you’re married and not changing your surname, you need to agree to what you will be doing with your children’s surname before they arrive.

We had ds1 before we were married. The kids are double barrelled and we both didn’t even consider or discuss taking each other’s name. I can’t see how having the same name makes any difference to your relationship or how much of a team you are.