Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

@onlyhereforthecake I agree, it's a stunningly ridiculous and actually misogynistic thing to say. Let's erase all women who chose to take their husbands name. Clapclapclap what a great demonstration of feminism. Utterly ridiculous! You could rename me anything and my standing in society and contributions as a women in society still stand. Women are so much more than their name. I pity anyone who thinks their entire identity is erased if their name changes.

@Catlover77

It's anti-feminist because it directly upholds the patriarchy. If women don't take something as fundamental as their identity seriously, men will never take us seriously.

This, 100%.

If people don't take you seriously in the real world, you need to look at why. It's nothing to do with whatever name you choose! I have my husband's name, shock horror, I'm also a Mrs... I don't have a problem with people taking me seriously in the real world. Never have.

I would have kept my maiden name if it hadn’t been such a rubbish one, which had been the bane of my school years

Why do People assume I'm a feminist because I don't agree with name changing?

I'm not a feminist either, I am my own person that doesn't need to stand for or follow a 'movement'

Nonetheless just think changing your name as an adult is bizarre and weird purely by default of being a woman upon marriage.

I find it odd that the name changers get so upset by the opposing opinion? If someone thought it daft I kept my name I wouldn't give a shit.

The fact you're sensitive tells me you're clearly not comfortable with your name change.

It's like some people cannot accept anyone disagreeing with them.

I find it odd that the name changers get so upset by the opposing opinion? If someone thought it daft I kept my name I wouldn't give a shit.

what a weird way to look at it, "name changers" have no opinion on other people's choice, and just state their right to do whatever they want to do.

It's the one who violently and ridiculously disagree who have a problem. Why on earth would you even "agree or disagree" with any of it? Gosh, you can imagine them becoming MIL one day, that will be entertaining.

@Aquamarine1029

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

This is what I did 25 years ago. Personally, I love having the same name as my husband our children. It's up to you, though. There's no "wrong" way to do it.

I did, too.

And DC have same middle name (my maiden name) too.

It's like some people cannot accept anyone disagreeing with them.

They're doing the most basic and common thing, taking their husband's name, and acting like they're being oppressed for doing so.

The dramatics.

taking their husband's name, and acting like they're being oppressed for doing so.

and ACCUSED of being oppressed for doing so you mean

I always thought I would keep my name, when it came to getting married I had a romantic idea of having his name. In the end the feminist in me won and I kept my name, our children are double barrelled. 25 years later, still happily married, I'm so, so glad I did this.
Personally I hope the tradition of women taking their husbands names will die out. If it did I would imagine the practice would be something women in the future would be incredulous ever existed.

It's fine and I'm sure very true to say changing your name was your choice, made you happy, didn't erase your identity etc, but wilfully ignoring the wider implications of that choice for women as a collective is what bothers me (this is not addressed to you personally btw OP). No one is saying (or at least I'm not) women who change their names are submissive, not taken seriously as individuals etc - we are saying that as a whole, the continuing tradition of women taking men's names clearly helps uphold the patriarchy. If women are going to make that choice then they should recognise that.

@Kendodd

I always thought I would keep my name, when it came to getting married I had a romantic idea of having his name. In the end the feminist in me won and I kept my name, our children are double barrelled. 25 years later, still happily married, I'm so, so glad I did this. Personally I hope the tradition of women taking their husbands names will die out. If it did I would imagine the practice would be something women in the future would be incredulous ever existed.

Precisely. If I died out it would be one of those things where women would look back in history and say, were we bonkers for agreeing to that!!

@mswales

It's fine and I'm sure very true to say changing your name was your choice, made you happy, didn't erase your identity etc, but wilfully ignoring the wider implications of that choice for women as a collective is what bothers me (this is not addressed to you personally btw OP). No one is saying (or at least I'm not) women who change their names are submissive, not taken seriously as individuals etc - we are saying that as a whole, the continuing tradition of women taking men's names clearly helps uphold the patriarchy. If women are going to make that choice then they should recognise that.

👏👏

”I find it odd that the name changers get so upset by the opposing opinion? If someone thought it daft I kept my name I wouldn't give a shit.”

But we aren’t just being told we are daft, @doesparentingsuck - we are being told we are letting down every feminist, slaves to the Patriarchy, erasing all our previous life, taking toxic decisions to uphold the patriarchy, weak and unenlightened - basically calling us all stupid and judging us really harshly - why would I be OK with that?

such hyperbole is an end to reasonable debate - is there a ball somewhere you could take off the park?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you've just dramatised the thread to suit your narrative.

You clearly have insecurities about name changing.

The thing is none of us are perfect and I'm sure we all make decisions that others might find questionable but you should feel comfortable enough in your decision to own it.

I didn't change my name when we married but I did just before we had kids as I wanted us all to have the same surname. It has been a complete pain and even a decade+ on it still causes minor issues that require taking extra steps to document (e.g. my degree certificate is in the wrong name so when I get a new job I also have to document the name change). I really haven't found it to be worth it. Though I like my new last name if I had my time over I 'd stick with my maiden and either have the kids have my surname or double-barrel.

If I died out it would be one of those things where women would look back in history and say, were we bonkers for agreeing to that!!

Likewise, if it didn't exist as a thing, can you imagine someone saying " I know, when I get married I'll stop using my own name and go by my new husband's name". It would look like a bonkers decision.

Basically, name changing is men stamping their name over their property. That might not be how women (and men) feel about it now but that's certainly where it came from.

And I for one do not wish to be a man’s property. We are women in our own right. It truly saddens me that women take a man’s name or call themselves Mrs.

Don’t

My friend married for the second time and they used her maiden name and his surname double barreled. It's a mouthful together so do what you think is best

Absolutely your choice OP! You don’t even have to change either of your names. Frankly, my decision would depend on which name is more to my liking, although I think a lot more women nowadays are reluctant to take a man’s name. You do you - and very glad he’s not being insistent on this! Sounds like a good egg.

Likewise, if it didn't exist as a thing, can you imagine someone saying " I know, when I get married I'll stop using my own name and go by my new husband's name". It would look like a bonkers decision.

It looks bonkers when you first learn about it in Spain. I remember one of my friends in school whose parents weren’t from here (we all have two surnames, our dad’s and our mum’s) and had one family name. Everyone found it really bizarre she only had one surname, and every new teacher went to ask her mum how to address her as they couldn’t figure it out from the girl’s name (‘Ms… what’s your name?’ And then she’d use the same as her DH’s). It was bizarre because people there aren’t used to it being the norm.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you've just dramatised the thread to suit your narrative.

You clearly have insecurities about name changing.

The thing is none of us are perfect and I'm sure we all make decisions that others might find questionable but you should feel comfortable enough in your decision to own it.
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All I have done is go through the thread and find things that posters have said about people who change their names, and collate them - how is that ‘dramatising’ anything, @doesparentingsuck?

And you are completely wrong - I am completely happy about my decision to change my name - I am just somewhat irked by the way people like me have been portrayed on this thread.

@Catlover77

And I for one do not wish to be a man’s property. We are women in our own right. It truly saddens me that women take a man’s name or call themselves Mrs.

In the past, marriage did make women their husband’s property - but I don’t think it does in Western countries now - either legally or in societal attitudes - not for the majority of people. So whilst changing one’s name on marriage used to signify you had moved from being your father’s property to being your husband’s , I would argue that it doesn’t have that connotation in any real sense now.

I think that it is possible to keep traditions - if you want to - without blindly following everything that tradition used to mean.