Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

I kept my name and dc have mine also. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Given the history and that women were mere chattel I just don't understand why anyone would be comfortable with that. Its almost internal misogyny.

From a practical perspective with half of marriages ending in divorce it makes sense to keep your own name.

It is quite common to take your own last name as a middle name. The husband and I both double barreled and so did the kids. I like Willyoujustbequiet's solution, too. After all, she actually created the children.

Funny that most women think it’s a choice.
Considering 90% do it.

The old trope, feminism is choice. But I’ll happily chose what I’ve been told to choose for millennia

Also why do some women think that “feminists” need to be nice and kind. And if they’re a bit mean to women about their choices then that goes to show that they don’t like women and aren’t feminists
Weird.

The master of ceremonies can say Welcome first name and first name, or welcome the bride and groom or welcome the happy couple or whatever you like, so don't worry about that.

Being asked to change my name would be a deal breaker for me, but choosing to change it is really people's own choice. It is a choice with patriarchal implications though, and I don't understand why people pretend it isn't except that it makes them feel bad. Choosing to go part time after I had children when their father didn't was also not the feminist choice, but I did it anyway because it worked for me. You can acknowledge that and still make the choice that fits you and your family. I don't judge my friends for their name choices, but it is sad to me that 90% of women change their names. No one makes the feminist choice every time: it would be impossible.

BTW, if your fiance says he would love you to take his name then that IS pressure from him, albeit gentle pressure. If he wanted you to have the same name then he could have started with equal options of either him taking yours or you taking his

If name changing wasn't a big deal and meant nothing men would be doing it in huge numbers, there aren't, it matters. For those of you who think I'm being mean, I haven't called anyone any names, I'm just pointing out that this shit really matters on a macro level and that's made you uncomfortable. I don't believe name changing is a true choice otherwise men would be doing it. If you think your marriage is so enlightened why do the majority of posters say they want the same name as their kids, why not give your children your surname and let your husband change his? I'm guessing it's because he would not agree to it because it's a fundamental tenet as a man, they rarely change their identity because it's so important. If you don't understand that I can't help you.

BTW just because I'm a feminist doesn't mean I have to support every choice other women make, particularly when that choice upholds the patriarchy and, is hugely damaging to how women are perceived in the world aka property of men.

[quote WellLarDeDar]@onlyhereforthecake I agree, it's a stunningly ridiculous and actually misogynistic thing to say. Let's erase all women who chose to take their husbands name. Clapclapclap what a great demonstration of feminism. Utterly ridiculous! You could rename me anything and my standing in society and contributions as a women in society still stand. Women are so much more than their name. I pity anyone who thinks their entire identity is erased if their name changes.[/quote]
Women are more than a name, but let's face it if our name wasn't that important more men would willing change theirs. Would you fiancé change his? Have you asked him? If he says no, you have your answer, names are very important.

@Taliskerskye

Funny that most women think it’s a choice. Considering 90% do it.

The old trope, feminism is choice. But I’ll happily chose what I’ve been told to choose for millennia

Exactly.

We really need to reset the discussion a bit on this. A whole generation of women now thinks that "feminism is choice" covers this and that they no longer need to even think about this.

I have no strong objection to women taking their husband's names. I just would like women to admit that all this wonderful choice they have (including the choice to do something really quite old-fashioned and patriarchal) has come about as a result of women in previous generations taking much riskier and more difficult choices. Choices which society at the time found frightening and tried to stifle.

By all means take his name if you feel you want to but please don't try to justify it by telling the world its a feminist choice. It's not.

@Phantasmo

And that's exactly why I don't think it makes any feminist difference which relic of ownership you prefer to use. Born under one, marry into the other, either way you're under that relic, so just choose whichever one offends you least or makes you happy.

Even if a girl was born to a woman who hadn't changed her name, who in turn had been born to a woman who hadn't changed her name you'd still manage an 'ooooh but it's was you great-grandfather's name originally so...'

I had no control over the name I was given at birth, neither did your husband. We both own our names equally. You taking a man's name was a conscious anti-feminist choice. That's fine, but own it.

I'd "manage it" because it's entirely true. And that's why I don't see it as making any significant difference. You live with the relic of father ownership and you've constructed an argument to suit yourself over it. I'm not living with an ugly, toxic name from an abusive man whom I did not choose because you think that would be more feminist.

I'll do what I like with my choices. I'm not answerable to you.

@onlyhereforthecake

But if you changed your name on marriage you literally did change your identity, including on all your important documentation. You basically erased your previous identity.

I didn't erase anything
or change my identity either. I just changed my family name, no need for ridiculous hyperboles.

Take Carrie Johnson (or any woman in the public eye), she didn't erase Carrie Symonds because she has chosen to take her husband name now.

What a completely ridiculous thing to say.

Great incentive for men to change THEIR name though: go, you will erase your previous identity, but go for it

By changing her name on her legal documentation she did erase her previous identity, she is no longer known as Carrie Symonds.

I just would like women to admit that all this wonderfulchoicethey have (including the choice to do something really quite old-fashioned and patriarchal) has come about as a result of women in previous generations taking much riskier and more difficult choices.

Yes, I accept that completely and I'm grateful.

I'm still not lumbering myself with the toxic name of my abuser, rather than the attractive name of the man I adore, to please a bunch of total strangers who find father ownership a more palatable relic...and who seem to have a pretty low opinion of women themselves. I wouldn't marry a man who spoke like some of these people.

Sure, I could have paid money and changed it by deed poll earlier but that would have caused family tensions that worsened things for me. This was a great solution.

It's not as if anyone meeting me for the first time would even know it's a married name. I don't use the title Mrs.

Funny how men are never seen as being father owned, it's only women, another relic from the past. I see my name as my name and like the majority of men in the UK I'm not giving it up, because I understand the inherent value in keeping it.

@DrSbaitso

I just would like women to admit that all this wonderfulchoicethey have (including the choice to do something really quite old-fashioned and patriarchal) has come about as a result of women in previous generations taking much riskier and more difficult choices.

Yes, I accept that completely and I'm grateful.

I'm still not lumbering myself with the toxic name of my abuser, rather than the attractive name of the man I adore, to please a bunch of total strangers who find father ownership a more palatable relic...and who seem to have a pretty low opinion of women themselves. I wouldn't marry a man who spoke like some of these people.

Sure, I could have paid money and changed it by deed poll earlier but that would have caused family tensions that worsened things for me. This was a great solution.

It's not as if anyone meeting me for the first time would even know it's a married name. I don't use the title Mrs.

That's fair enough.

TBH I think the surnames debate is a slightly odd hill for feminists to die on because there is some validity in the argument that by reverting to your birth surname you're swapping one bloke's name for another bloke's name. And it doesn't take account of the personal point about what name you actually prefer.

My point was a broader one I suppose about the co-option of this "feminism = choice" argument of which this debate is a particular example.

Why do people keep saying women would only be choosing from their fathers name if not their husband. The whole point is to break the cycle, in my opinion. So your children might have their mothers name or their husband to choose from, it's not just this one choice, it's about making change for future generations.

I changed mine. I can’t now imagine being my maiden name. I wouldn’t have wanted children to have different names to us. It’s just a surname.

If you double barrel and give that to your children and they subsequently marry someone who also has a double barrelled name, their children could end up with very cumbersome names.
Those who kept their own names, and gave their children that name, how did the fathers feel about this?
If I were marrying now, as opposed to decades ago, I would use husband’s name for family purposes and keep my own for work. I wouldn’t double barrel as it would sound a bit ugly.

@LemonRoses

I changed mine. I can’t now imagine being my maiden name. I wouldn’t have wanted children to have different names to us. It’s just a surname.

Why didn’t your husband take your name then? If it’s just a name…

By the way, it’s funny to me how children traditionally were named after their mother. Modern men, who you know, don’t care about names I’m sure, we’re very quick to convince women that children should be named after them, even when unmarried. I wonder why they did that if names matter so little.

@NumberTheory

I didn't change my name when we married but I did just before we had kids as I wanted us all to have the same surname. It has been a complete pain and even a decade+ on it still causes minor issues that require taking extra steps to document (e.g. my degree certificate is in the wrong name so when I get a new job I also have to document the name change). I really haven't found it to be worth it. Though I like my new last name if I had my time over I 'd stick with my maiden and either have the kids have my surname or double-barrel.

Presumably the issues arose as you didn’t change your name on marriage, but later on? I have never had an issue, there is an option for ‘maiden name’ ( yuck!) so you are Bloggs, nee Smith, and any documents in either name are covered.

@Marmaladee

Why do people keep saying women would only be choosing from their fathers name if not their husband. The whole point is to break the cycle, in my opinion. So your children might have their mothers name or their husband to choose from, it's not just this one choice, it's about making change for future generations.

I understand that the principle is to break the cycle but I think a lot of women understandably don't really buy that. The argument is a bit specious that keeping a "family" name (which in practice is always a man's name) is inherently preferable to taking a new "family" name (another man's name).

I'm a really fervent feminist and I wouldn't take a man's name on marriage but I can see why if you're under pressure to take your husband's name, using the feminist justification for not doing so and then keeping your father's name is quite a hard argument to make.

I'm a really fervent feminist and I wouldn't take a man's name on marriage but I can see why if you're under pressure to take your husband's name, using the feminist justification for not doing so and then keeping your father's name is quite a hard argument to make.

I disagree. For a start there are also men that are given their fathers name - so it doesn't have the same connotations to it IMO.

Getting married and changing my name is an active decision one I have full control over unlike the name given when I was born - and worse actual creates a whole load of aggro and headache for me.

Can you imagine men going through the hassle of changing all official documents just to sound like their wife?!!!!!!!!! So they can all be a 'family unit with the same name'.

Do you think they could feel the societal pressure enough to do this?

Naunet In truth? His was much nicer than mine.

@doesparentingsuck

Yeah I get all this but still think its quite hard to escape the fact that you're talking about rejecting one male ownership symbol and reverting to another male ownership symbol (albeit one that's much more passive).

@Marmaladee

Why do people keep saying women would only be choosing from their fathers name if not their husband. The whole point is to break the cycle, in my opinion. So your children might have their mothers name or their husband to choose from, it's not just this one choice, it's about making change for future generations.

The only way to break the cycle, and escape the male-line name thing properly, at this point is to change your name legally by deed poll as soon as you're an adult, to something you like.

Funnily enough, the only people I've ever known who did this were men who wanted to escape their current family name, or reclaim an older family name.