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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:

GrandPrismatic · 08/07/2021 16:06

I wanted to know…just because! Found out with both and I’m glad I did. Would find out the third too (but unlikely to happen now I’m ancient!)

I do feel a vibe of superiority from some on this thread though that chose to wait, as though that makes them somehow more virtuous.

Each to their own…whatever works for you!

OnTheBrink1 · 08/07/2021 16:06

@lboogy

What could possibly be surprising about a 50/50 chance of male or female?

I found out the sex of all my kids before birth and made no secret of it when asked

Of course it’s a surprise if it’s 50/50? If it was 100/0 then no surprise. The whole surprise is which of the 2 it will be!

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 16:06

@MadMadMadamMim me DH and newly born billy had a great laugh when we eventually read the Billy’s sweepstake family what’sapp group banter.

It was a lot of fun to be honest, just nonsense like -

‘the bump was high and slightly to the left so I knew it was x’.

I told you low bumps are y, how did you get that wrong.

Sweepstake cash was given to us in takeaway vouchers for the first few weeks.

DH’s huge excitement over the sex announcement had the medics (C Section) in tears and laughter, he was funny.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:07

The sex doesn't have to make any difference to your preparation for their arrival and initial few years of life.

you wouldn't say that if you had changed nappies, the sex DOES make a difference actually

BastardMonkfish · 08/07/2021 16:07

@onlyhereforthecake

IMO when people find out and then have the child is doesn't seem as exciting.

I can reassure you that knowing the gender of your baby takes NOTHING out of the excitement of their arrival!

Right! Do people think if you don't know the sex you go into labour thinking meh how non exciting, just going to meet my boring old son, just another day, yawn

OnTheBrink1 · 08/07/2021 16:08

@GreenPixieHat

I had my baby in another country where the culture was to know in advance and to pick a name etc. Every appointment I went to I had to quickly explain that I did NOT want to know the sex. My friends from there thought I was mad!

I think it's a lovely surprise when you don't know. I figured the excitement of finding out the sex would see me through labour (it did).

IMO when people find out and then have the child is doesn't seem as exciting.

I think "gender reveal" parties and "baby shower"s are an indicator of incredibly poor taste. I guess I'm old fashioned!

I feel exactly the same. They are so trashy and just awful

dreamingofyou · 08/07/2021 16:08

@pearlsandpetals We found out with our 4 pregnancies and it's nice. pregnancy can be such a drag and a little surprise in the middle helps. I felt very joyful when all 4 where born.

Subbaxeo · 08/07/2021 16:08

Maybe it’s a generational thing-I had mine 20 years ago and wanted a surprise! It’s about like opening a present when you know what it is-it doesn’t feel the same. But I totally get why people want to know in advance too.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:09

I do feel a vibe of superiority from some on this thread though that chose to wait, as though that makes them somehow more virtuous.

thanks for expressing it better than I did.

There's always a weird competition in parenting, from this to the superiority of the labour chosen (if you even have a choice) and it never stops.

If you are that convinced you chose the right way, why would you care what others do?

OnTheBrink1 · 08/07/2021 16:09

@BastardMonkfish but it would have FOR ME. You have no right to tell me what I would and wouldn’t have felt during labour.

oldwhyno · 08/07/2021 16:09

"will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like"

...is exactly why some people don't want to know. It's damage limitation in the event the pregnancy doesn't work out.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:11

I think "gender reveal" parties and "baby shower"s are an indicator of incredibly poor taste.

Friends or siblings arranging a gathering because they are happy and excited for their pregnant friend. The horror.

ClawedButler · 08/07/2021 16:11

I'm like some PPs - I figured birth would be interesting enough without needing a surprise at the end of it

I found out sex of DD because I had several scans, not your usual 2, and they were the 4D ones so it was pretty obvious! Also, I liked referring to "she" and "her" when I was pregnant rather than "it" or the cumbersome "he/she".

That's just me though. Have to say when people asked me if I knew what I was having I was sorely tempted to say, "An alligator"

speakout · 08/07/2021 16:12

I didn't want to know.

I knew I would be happy no matter what the sex of my children.
What can you practically do to plan for a boy/girl anyway?
Babies have the same needs no matter the sex.

Originaltiles · 08/07/2021 16:12

It’s about like opening a present when you know what it is-it doesn’t feel the same.

Honestly, it’s absolutely nothing like that. But you wouldn’t know because you didn’t find out till birth

Angrymum22 · 08/07/2021 16:13

Gender no, sex yes. Had multi miscarriages and as pregnancy progressed further but was still high risk I wanted to know in case I lost him. He’s now nearly 17 and is a bright, very funny young man who is hysterically funny about gender concepts. He is happy with his pronouns and accepts the choice of the gender fluid boy/girl/it/them in his year, publicly but cynical in private.
I think the “emperors new clothes” effect has lost its hold on the current crop of mid teens. They are wise to the wokeness and don’t believe. They just go along with the silliness so they don’t get detention.

RickiTarr · 08/07/2021 16:13

I do feel a vibe of superiority from some on this thread though that chose to wait, as though that makes them somehow more virtuous.

Oh god no. It’s 100% a personal preference thing.

Posters are just phrasing it definitely because they’re directly answering the query in the OP;

OP: “I wonder why some people do X.”

People who did X: “I did it because I feel Y & Z. It is more A or B that way.”

NakedAttraction · 08/07/2021 16:13

I do feel a vibe of superiority from some on this thread though that chose to wait, as though that makes them somehow more virtuous

It’s just the usual MN not being able to understand another point of view. I’m sure some find the bonding with baby once they know the sex comments equally grating.

I’d love to know what proportion find out vs wait. I was made to feel like the odd one out for not knowing with both of mine!

JenniferWooley · 08/07/2021 16:14

We didn't find out with DD1 & as she had her legs crossed at every scan couldn't have if we wanted to but we just didn't care - healthy was our main concern.

We decorated the nursery lemon with Peter Rabbit accessories & bought clothes in neutral colours. A family friend knitted cardigans, matinee jackets & hats in white, cream, lemon & mint.

Even when she was born & we knew she was a girl her wardrobe consisted of mostly yellow, red, green & blue with the odd frilly pink thing bought by a relative/friend.

We did find out with DD2 & DS but again we didn't really care & it made no difference to the room decor or clothes we bought before they were born - in fact DD2's nursery was blue & cream & DS's was bright yellow & white because I liked the shades of the paint.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/07/2021 16:15

I liked not knowing. It's either a boy or a girl anyway so a pretty limited surprise. We didn't want to limit ourselves to gendered decor etc as we were hoping for siblings and if baby 2 was the opposite sex it would have been a waste.

As it happed I had 2 DSs and when DS2 was put in my arms, he was clearly a different baby and a different start and quickly showed a different personality.

I met my babies as they were rather than pre-defined by their sex.

Mattspbtoast · 08/07/2021 16:15

We did not find out with either of our children. DH felt very strongly that we should wait until the birth, and I was quite happy with that. We bought a cot, buggy, clothes etc because all babies need those.

The many scans we had with DS2 told us that he didn't have the medical problems that his older brother was born with. Knowing that he would not have to go through all of the horrible things that DS1 did was more than enough for me. I did not love DS1 less because he was not born healthy. I just wish he did not have to go through so much.

inappropriateraspberry · 08/07/2021 16:16

All this about a healthy baby. Well, yes, that is what the scans are for, to check the health of the baby. So that should be the focus of the scans, not the sex. If they are healthy, brilliant. If not, that is your focus, preparing and understanding, not whether they'll have dinosaurs or fairies in their nursery.

Greentrees2021 · 08/07/2021 16:17

I don't understand when people say knowing the gender helps bonding. I didn't find out with either of mine. If I had, maybe I would have "bonded" with my boy imagining his cheeky rough and tumble antics and later with my girl, imagining her sweet nature reading books and enjoying ballet. When in actual fact I have a very quiet, gentle and bookish boy & a feisty daughter who is nothing like me. I would have been "bonding" with false people, not their actual amazing individual selves who I've only known since the days they were born.

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 16:17

OP asked a direct question, most PP are responding to that.

Each to their own I say. I do think it can be useful for preparing the existing children.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:18

that is what the scans are for, to check the health of the baby. So that should be the focus of the scans, not the sex.

but it makes the waiting and the scan much less stressful if you focus on the sex, and try to forget that it's actually an anomaly scan. You'll find out about problems, if any, soon enough during the scan unfortunately.

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