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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 08/07/2021 16:19

I am old school with regard to baby showers and gender reveals. I didn’t buy anything until a month before DS was born, unfortunately I had a number of friends who had lost babies at various stages of pregnancy and I think the time to celebrate is when the baby is born. Imagine having a house full of baby stuff and losing your baby preterm or even at full term.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:19

@Greentrees2021

I don't understand when people say knowing the gender helps bonding. I didn't find out with either of mine. If I had, maybe I would have "bonded" with my boy imagining his cheeky rough and tumble antics and later with my girl, imagining her sweet nature reading books and enjoying ballet. When in actual fact I have a very quiet, gentle and bookish boy & a feisty daughter who is nothing like me. I would have been "bonding" with false people, not their actual amazing individual selves who I've only known since the days they were born.
it's very possible to find out without having to immediately jump to ridiculous stereotypes Hmm
Mangochuckle · 08/07/2021 16:20

I must have a swinging brick for a heart because I’m cringing at the idea of a birth plan stipulating that the baby’s father must be the one to announce the sex to the mother

Whatagreytdoggo · 08/07/2021 16:20

Each to their own, I wanted the surprise, finding out as I birthed them was amazing. I'd not find out with any of mine!

RainbowMumzy · 08/07/2021 16:20

I found out with both of mine and we were so excited to know what we were having. We discussed names, decorated nursery, bought cute bits and bobs (all of which you can of course do if you don't find out too 😊). With our second (and final) baby we found out they were a different sex to our first but we would have been just as excited and we still would have been "two and through" if we had had two of the same.
On the flip side, my friend said that she felt it made her more determined in labour to find out what she was having 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Notthissticky · 08/07/2021 16:20

@onlyhereforthecake

The sex doesn't have to make any difference to your preparation for their arrival and initial few years of life.

you wouldn't say that if you had changed nappies, the sex DOES make a difference actually Grin

Please look up Kristina Kuzmic's Penis Service Announcement on YouTube. As a fellow mum of boys (I assume), I think you'll find it quite entertainingGrin
yikesanotherbooboo · 08/07/2021 16:21

I liked the surprise with DC1&2 . I really wanted my babies but bonding isn't based on their sex imo and I am not the sort of person who buys more than a couple of 3 packs of baby gros and vests before baby's arrival. With DC3 I found out... I felt differently, o had a girl and a boy by then and had to have loads of scans so it felt rather odd the radiographers all knowing while we parents didn't. I haven't got strong feelings on this subject btw.

Youdiditanyway · 08/07/2021 16:21

I honestly didn’t give a shit what sex the baby was after having multiple miscarriages, I was so anxious at every single scan I just waited on baited breath to be told whether the baby was even living. The sex was totally irrelevant to me, far more interested in how the vital organs were doing.

itsgoodtobehome · 08/07/2021 16:21

I absolutely loved not knowing what I was having. Also, because as the mother, you get most of the experience of scans, feeling the kicks, heartburn etc., it was so lovely that my DH got first sight of him and got to announce what he was. It felt like we both had our share of finding out. I would never choose to find out, and as for gender reveal.....don't even get me started!!

Greentrees2021 · 08/07/2021 16:21

@onlyhereforthecake But that's exactly my point. Knowing the sex doesn't give you any more information about your baby beyond stereotypes!!

BastardMonkfish · 08/07/2021 16:21

[quote OnTheBrink1]@BastardMonkfish but it would have FOR ME. You have no right to tell me what I would and wouldn’t have felt during labour.[/quote]
Where did I do that?! You're the one saying those who found out aren't excited during labour Hmm

notalwaysalondoner · 08/07/2021 16:21

I'm 37 weeks and haven't found out the sex. I thought it would be a nice surprise, I think it will be exciting for DH to be able to check and announce it and give him a lovely role at the birth, it means we didn't get loads of pink/blue crap for gifts (I hate how gendered baby stuff still is), and it means I won't have such a fixed idea of how my baby will be - as others have pointed out, it's irrelevant whether it's a boy or a girl in terms of its needs as a baby, but in your mind you would imagine playing football with it vs. going shopping (being super stereotypical) and I think it's good to see what baby you actually get and not build up an imaginary child too much in your mind.

JenniferWooley · 08/07/2021 16:23

@cleanasawhistle

I just wanted a suprise. Loved the first time of giving birth and being handed my baby and having a look for myself........did same with 2nd.

Each to there own.

I wanted to find out myself by looking with DD1 but by the time she was born my specs had disappeared & I was so drugged up in all honesty I couldn't tell if she was a girl, a boy or a puppy BlushGrin

Granohlaa · 08/07/2021 16:24

@notalwaysalondoner Just make sure he gets it right. Mine told me my DD was a boy as she was a bit swollen in the genital area. Midwife corrected him and said it’s quite common!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/07/2021 16:24

Like @ForeverAintEnough3, I wanted to be surprised when they were born. I guess it was part of my picture of the birth - “Congratulations EvilGenius - it’s a boy”.

We still bought things in advance - and painted the baby’s room - but steered clear of pink and blue. There is lots of lovely neutral baby stuff around - and it does mean that, if you get a different variety second time around, your baby stuff will still be fine for them - and babies outgrow their clothes long before they wear them out, so I was pleased to get more use out of it all.

But it is a matter of personal choice, so people,should,do,whatever makes them happy - we are all different!

fredstick · 08/07/2021 16:25

I did both. Found out with my first and meant I could plan and helped visualise what was coming. Pleased I knew. Didn't with my second as wanted a surprise and it was so wonderful the anticipation of not knowing and when/how we found out. Really lovely. With our third we had harmony test so found out sort of by default and again, just happy to be healthy and pregnant but once I knew and the initial excitement was over I knew there were no more surprises to come - so would definitely say if you can wait I would.

Even the midwives were excited to find out with us with number two. I also think it helped spur me on in labour. I was desperate to know and kept me focused.

CupOfTPlease · 08/07/2021 16:26

I didn't want to know. I didn't think it'd bring a closer bond or anything like that.

It was a magical feeling finding out once he was born. He was lifted up so I could see what he was.

BastardMonkfish · 08/07/2021 16:26

@inappropriateraspberry

All this about a healthy baby. Well, yes, that is what the scans are for, to check the health of the baby. So that should be the focus of the scans, not the sex. If they are healthy, brilliant. If not, that is your focus, preparing and understanding, not whether they'll have dinosaurs or fairies in their nursery.

My first child had a disability that couldn't be seen on scans. I'm due another child any day and I have found out the sex because I want to know as much about my baby as possible. I'll soon find out if she has the same disability too. I suppose I'm shallow and don't care about her health though because I asked 'what am I having' Confused

eliohelio · 08/07/2021 16:27

Awww @Bells3032 that’s lovely! Congrats Flowers

I think it’s a nice surprise to not know. I also think the huge reveal parties are cringey and sickening (my cousins husband stormed out of their reveal party because the confetti was pink….)

For me it comes down to: are you having a baby because you want a baby or are you having a baby because you have a preference on sex and will just settle for the other if not what you wanted? For me, I’m in the former group so finding out the gender didn’t phase me at all.

Your baby doesn’t show any girly or boyish traits or characteristics in the womb or the newborn stage (or the baby stage/early toddler stage etc) so it’s weird to me that so much value is placed on “knowing who they are” before they’re born. Plus what if they come out wanting to be someone you haven’t planned for in your head!

Much nicer and more natural to wait IMO.

funeralq · 08/07/2021 16:27

My sister found out the sex and had chosen a name, was having a planned section so we knew the date. Was a bit of an anti climax tbh. A surprise makes it way more exiting.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:29

are you having a baby because you want a baby or are you having a baby because you have a preference on sex and will just settle for the other if not what you wanted?

I honestly cannot understand how finding out 3 or 4 months earlier or later can possibly mean you have a preference?

BrilliantBetty · 08/07/2021 16:30

More exciting not knowing before birth. It's the most beautiful and incredible surprise.

Rhystior · 08/07/2021 16:32

For those who found out a birth, how long did the excitement of finding out the sex last before the excitement of having your child in your arms took over?

NavigatingAdolescence · 08/07/2021 16:33

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Like *@ForeverAintEnough3*, I wanted to be surprised when they were born. I guess it was part of my picture of the birth - “Congratulations EvilGenius - it’s a boy”.

We still bought things in advance - and painted the baby’s room - but steered clear of pink and blue. There is lots of lovely neutral baby stuff around - and it does mean that, if you get a different variety second time around, your baby stuff will still be fine for them - and babies outgrow their clothes long before they wear them out, so I was pleased to get more use out of it all.

But it is a matter of personal choice, so people,should,do,whatever makes them happy - we are all different!

You could still reuse baby clothes whatever their colour. This is exactly the point. Hmm
LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 16:33

I couldn’t bond with mine till I knew what they were and what they were going to be called.
The one I’m pregnant with now, I needed to know as after 10 years of parenting girls I needed to prepare myself if it was a boy.