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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 15:49

You can find out without telling anyone else, not sure the family and friends being in the known or not is remotely relevant.

I wanted to know, it took long enough from the time I knew about the baby and the time I found out the gender!

It also made the 20 week scan much less stressful, as I took it as a gender reveal scan, and tried to forget about the "anomaly" side.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:49

[quote pearlsandpetals]@Smallbutnottinykitten I have explained that this because I want to be able to refer to my baby as my son or daughter, and he or she instead of it. I am aware that they may choose to identify differently when they're older and I would fully support that but for the meantime I would love to know one thing about them. The birth and meeting my child will be an amazing experience regardless of whether I know their sex. Ultimately though, my main concern is that they are happy and healthy.[/quote]
What if they’re not healthy?

How does you knowing their sex during your pregnancy influence whether they are happy or not?

Horehound · 08/07/2021 15:49

I don't get the "the surprise is the best bit" comments. Like, it's still a surprise whenever you find out whether that's at a scan or when you've been in labour!
For DS I wasn't keen to find out but DH was and actually it was obvious on the scan! I'm glad I did find out as it meant we could settle on our name and refer to him with his name before he arrived. I really liked knowing what I was having in the end and now I'm pregnant again I'm finding out at my 20 week scan next week :)

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have given a damn after labour as I was so out of it and exhausted

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 15:49

@DontWiltMySpinachPlease

I get it.

After so much knowledge (and constant monitoring) I kind of enjoyed ‘billy’ having his own mystique, her own secrets. From us anyway.

It’ll be strange if the transfer is successful, but we may keep it between us.

Having said that, I do think it’s exciting to find out whenever, but for us I do prefer that we didn’t know.

DinoHat · 08/07/2021 15:50

I have had a surprise with both mine. Currently 36 weeks with my second. There is very little gender dependent “prep” to be done.

I am having a ELCS this time and so glad I have a little surprise.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 15:50

It was a very valid question, why do posters always jump to everybody's throat and get offended by everything?

Originaltiles · 08/07/2021 15:50

If you already know it takes the excitement out of it

How would you know that if you didn’t find out the sex of your children?

DinoHat · 08/07/2021 15:50

@AnneLovesGilbert

I didn’t care what sex my baby was. I didn’t think I’d bond any better knowing what genitals it had.

I don’t understand why people care so much.

Second this too. I really don’t care what gender baby is and it certainly hasn’t hampered either of my pregnancies.
amiwastingmytime · 08/07/2021 15:51

I didn’t want to get ahead of myself buying clothes etc around the baby. I didn’t want to start calling the baby it’s intended name before it was even born. I didn’t want to tell everyone ahead of time. It’s also something to look forward to after labour!
Sooooo glad I waited.

LittleRa · 08/07/2021 15:51

@Smallbutnottinykitten

If the sex didn’t matter to you you wouldn’t want to find out.
I see it as the other way round- if the sex doesn’t matter to you, you’d just find out at your scan. Waiting until the birth for a big surprise with lots of anticipation building up towards finding out places a lot more emphasis on the sex than finding out in a more unstated (but still a surprise!) way at an earlier time.
IAmFourEels · 08/07/2021 15:51

Is it really that much of a surprise, though, that’s what I always think. It’s one of two options (in the vast majority of cases), how surprised could you be?

We’ll find out - so we can begin indoctrinating them to love tractors/ballet in utero, obviously. Or because I only want to have one long, drawn-out argument about names….

LittleRa · 08/07/2021 15:52

@Originaltiles

If you already know it takes the excitement out of it

How would you know that if you didn’t find out the sex of your children?

It takes the excitement out of it? Oh yes, it was such a boring old day when I was giving birth, like “yeah yeah, push breathe push breathe, whatever, I already know it’s a girl so what’s the point” Grin
waterlego · 08/07/2021 15:52

I just really liked not knowing and waiting for the surprise.

Also, pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding is all (obviously!) woman-centred and so it was wonderful for my DH to be the one to tell me what sex our babies were. Along with cutting the cords, it gave him a meaningful role in proceedings which just added to the joy of the occasion.

Also, makes the sweepstakes more interesting and fun!

RickiTarr · 08/07/2021 15:52

@CrouchEndTiger12

Sex...not gender.

There are very few true surprises in life. Finding out baby's sex at birth is one of them.

Yes, this. It’s nice to be surprised sometimes. Pregnancy and childbirth is the only real miracle in life.
lostandlonely20 · 08/07/2021 15:53

I was pregnant last year but lost the baby at 19 weeks. We hadn't found out the gender but after I gave birth we found out he was a boy and I felt so unbelievably connected to him at that moment, even though he had died before I went into labour, because I saw him as a person, rather than this abstract baby in my belly.

People always say 'there's not many surprises left in life anymore' and I actually hate that phrase because there are definitely still surprises and some of them are really, really horrible and devastating, like finding out your baby has no heartbeat at a scan.

Now I'm pregnant again and I found out the sex as soon as I could, I just want to enjoy everything I can about this pregnancy, and knowing his sex does make me feel more connected to the little person in there.

I also wanted to find out because I know that straight after birth is an emotional time, and I didn't want there to be any confused feelings from my last experience at that time due to finding out the sex of the baby then. The emotions that come with losing a baby are so strong that I felt it would be good to deal with anything like that beforehand (actually I didn't feel too emotional, but I do know other women who have struggled with those emotions during their rainbow pregnancies and needed time to process them)

I actually find that more people are more judg-y when you do want to find out the sex than not - at least in my experience.

Originaltiles · 08/07/2021 15:53

The sex mattered to me because I wanted a boy so finding out gave me time to deal any disappointment.

I had an EMC and just before the doctor made the cut he asked was I nervous. I replied I was - not about the op but about meeting this new person for the first time. That’s the exciting part

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 15:53

@Smallbutnottinykitten

If they're not healthy that would be fine too but I think every parent wants a healthy child, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't understand your comments - health and gender and completely separate, obviously one does not influence the other.

OP posts:
Granohlaa · 08/07/2021 15:53

I don’t understand why you would to know. Unless you had a preference and needed to prepare yourself.

I also don’t think it allows you to bond any better with the little person inside you, it just allows you to buy pink or blue clothes (if you so wish).

I also find it very odd when people talk about their unborn child using their name. One dad once told me that Chloe was due around Christmas. Which I find a bit freaky tbh!

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:54

You want them to be - and I quote - healthy and happy. How does knowing their sex before birth influence either of those things?

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 15:55

It's not that the sex gender matters in itself, but.. the baby already has one, the baby is a person.

What's wrong with picturing your baby as the actual person they are, not as a "gender neutral" being until they are born?

It's weird that some people can't express their preferences without immediately attacking others who make other choices.

If anyone pretended you are a bad mother because you want/didn't want to find out on this thread, I missed it.

waitingforwinter · 08/07/2021 15:55

@pearlsandpetals Personally I decided that I’d rather find out at the birth. It was on my birth plan that DH got to announce the sex to me and it was a really lovely moment, I prefer things anyway so preparation wouldn’t have been any different in terms of shopping etc. I do understand some people feeling like it may help them bond but personally I didn’t have that feeling 😊 plus - I just KNEW he was a boy 🙈
Got LOTS of grief from family for not finding out though! None of them were pleased at all!

I think I’d be more inclined to find out with a second baby depending on the age our DS is if we’re lucky enough to have a second. I thing it’s nice to be able to tell them about a little brother or sister rather than just “baby” if they’re at an age to understand 😊

Originaltiles · 08/07/2021 15:56

Pregnancy and childbirth are not miracles

NavigatingAdolescence · 08/07/2021 15:56

@pearlsandpetals

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all! I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!
In what way “prepare better”?
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 15:57

What if they’re not healthy? Confused

Firstly every single parent wishes for a healthy child

Two, if they are not, you might as well find out as early as possible and prepare and research if there's anything you can do.

GreenPixieHat · 08/07/2021 15:57

I had my baby in another country where the culture was to know in advance and to pick a name etc. Every appointment I went to I had to quickly explain that I did NOT want to know the sex. My friends from there thought I was mad!

I think it's a lovely surprise when you don't know. I figured the excitement of finding out the sex would see me through labour (it did).

IMO when people find out and then have the child is doesn't seem as exciting.

I think "gender reveal" parties and "baby shower"s are an indicator of incredibly poor taste. I guess I'm old fashioned!