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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:

NakedAttraction · 09/07/2021 12:17

I find it baffling and slightly sad that some people apparently feel that they wouldn't have found meeting their baby for the first time exciting if they'd already known if it was a boy or girl. And it definitely doesn't make me feel like the people who find out are the ones putting too much emphasis on the sex..

I don’t think anyone has said they wouldn’t have been excited to meet their baby if they had found out, just that they wanted to keep the element of surprise.

The world is full of two types of people: those who like surprises and those who don’t.

I never even thought about it. When we turned up to the 20 week scan we’d not discussed it so we both agreed that meant we weren’t bothered about finding out.

NakedAttraction · 09/07/2021 12:20

My sister had surprises with both of hers, and she said it was the only thing that got her through the final weeks of each pregnancy

People may say this and think it, but I think that’s only because of the situation they find themselves in. Plenty of people would say the only thing keeping them going was knowing they were soon to meet their little boy/girl.

Zzzzzzxxx · 09/07/2021 13:08

I never found out because I didn’t want to name them before they where born. It makes me cringe when people are like baby insert name and it’s like there not even born yet.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 09/07/2021 13:50

For me, it's that it's impossible to have expectations if you don't even know the gender. When that person arrives in the world, they arrive with everything they are - new, surprising, mysterious and wonderful.

We didn't want to know the gender, any more than we'd want to know the colour of eyes, or the personality, or anything else - until the kids were actually here.

mafted · 09/07/2021 14:11

aSofaNearYou
I really am not sure what your point is.
Prepare might not mean buy stuff, but it might mean buying stuff.
In the context of the OP
For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like.
Its a standard reply on threads of this topic. I'd take it to mean prepare by buying baby items and prepare mentally by referring to the baby by name and imagining how they look.
I guess you take it to mean mentally prepare and bond.

Proudboomer · 09/07/2021 14:34

After struggling to fall pregnant in the first place I didn’t care what sex we got.
Babies room was decorated in a neutral animal theme and back when mine were born most baby grows just came in white, mint and yellow.
Didn’t buy much apart from the basic baby grow and vest combo before the birth and the cardigans, hats etc were knitted in white by my nan.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 14:47

@mafted

aSofaNearYou I really am not sure what your point is. Prepare might not mean buy stuff, but it might mean buying stuff. In the context of the OP For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. Its a standard reply on threads of this topic. I'd take it to mean prepare by buying baby items and prepare mentally by referring to the baby by name and imagining how they look. I guess you take it to mean mentally prepare and bond.

But all the things you've mentioned there are far more varied and positive than just "they want to buy lots of pink and blue things because they have negative ideals about gender". My point is that there's really no reason to jump to that conclusion. People don't just say "so they can buy pink and blue things" in a neutral way, they mean it as a criticism.

mafted · 09/07/2021 16:49

But all the things you've mentioned there are far more varied and positive than just "they want to buy lots of pink and blue things because they have negative ideals about gender".
I didn't say anything about it being negative ideals about gender. PP asked why people were assuming it was about buying pink or blue. I answered with a possible reason based on the language the OP used. The PP missed what the OP had said about preparing.
My point is that there's really no reason to jump to that conclusion. People don't just say "so they can buy pink and blue things" in a neutral way, they mean it as a criticism.
People might say that. I haven't.
I don't know why your treating me as though I've said something unpleasant or unfair. I gave my opinion on a thread where the OP was asking for opinions. I gave another opinion when a poster put a point forward.
Part of preparing for a baby is buying baby things, I'd say it's something the vast majority of prospective parents take at least some pleasure in, baby clobber is cute! It's not a stretch to say that if a person feels finding out the sex will help them to bond with the baby then buying a girly or boyish babygro or decorating their room will be part of that.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 17:01

@mafted I'm not trying to say you are saying/doing anything in particular, I was just challenging the explanation you gave for people in general making that assumption, that's all.

FindingMeno · 09/07/2021 17:03

I was happy to get what I got, and for me I felt it was the natural order not to know.

mafted · 09/07/2021 17:16

@aSofaNearYou
I'm not speaking for people though.
PP asked something like why are people assuming it's about buying pink or blue clothes and I gave reasons why I might think that. I took the OP to mean prepare as in buy baby paraphernalia. As I said in my previous post I don't think it's a stretch to assume so.

Beachmum23 · 09/07/2021 17:20

I only cared about my babies health after 8 miscarriages. I also know so many people told the wrong thing.

I can't understand why anyone wants to know.

Pumpkinbrew · 09/07/2021 17:27

I was asked this week at my detailed scan if I would like to know the sex and I answered no.

I've never found out with any of my pregnancies at all. I am still able to be prepared with plenty of items for the baby regardless whether boy or girl.

As for names, everyone tends to have a list that they like however when baby arrives I have thought that the name I had preferred for that particular sex just didn't suit little one.

I bonded with my bump fine without knowing and spoke away to baby regularly. I am more concerned that I have a healthy pregnancy and baby remains okay thanks finding out sex and having one of those baby reveal things that so many like to do nowadays. After losing several babies my main thing at detailed scans is that baby is okay.

I do feel think that it is such a lovely surprise to not know what you're having and I have such beautiful memories of finding out after giving birth. Nothing like that moment at all.

keeptheaspidistra · 09/07/2021 17:31

I don't really understand why knowing their sex helps you prepare? Male and female babies need exactly the same things. I guess it's so you know what colour to buy things? Pink or blue? Personally, I really hate gender reveals and the fact we are colour coding boys and girls even whilst still in the womb! I know that's an popular opinion.

Suzypoo10 · 09/07/2021 17:34

Being an older mother, I was offered an amniocentesis. I was asked if I wanted to know the sex, however I declined, as I wanted to be surprised. Unfortunately, at one my ante-natal appointments in the late stages of pregnancy, the midwife asked me if I had a name for him (and then swiftly added “or her”) thereby ruining any surprise.

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsKJones · 09/07/2021 17:38

We didn't find out though strongly suspected DS was a boy. We had 3 scans as we had assistance to fall and at our 20 week scan we were asked and said no. Sonographer was surprised but commented how lovely it was we we didn't want to know. We planned that DH would watch DS being born and tell me what we'd had. In the event baby got stuck and it took so long to push him out that midwife plopped him straight on my chest so DH had no chance. After a few minutes I asked him what we'd had and he said he didn't know. I lifted DS's leg up, saw a penis and said 'oh, it's a boy'. We still laugh about that over 10 years later.

Lots of hospitals now refuse to tell you sex as there is an upsurge in terminations for "wrong" sex. Plus its not always accurate; you hear all the time about parents getting everything pink or blue, decorating nursery and picking name and then giving birth to the opposite sex.

hamptonmummy · 09/07/2021 17:41

I had 2 surprises, didn't want to know untill the day they arrived and was so glad I chose this option.

However each to their own I don't care what anyone else chooses for themselves as long as they are happy with their choices.

Not sure why anyone would give other people's choices a second thought tbh?!?

DrCAMHS · 09/07/2021 17:41

I wanted the surprise. It didn’t bother me what they were and it felt more ‘natural’ not to know.

Trinacham · 09/07/2021 17:41

I feel the same as you OP.
Years ago when I decided I'd be a mum one day I thought I would wait until the birth to find out. My views changed over the years, and my DH said he would like to know, so this helped sway me. Now being pregnant, I can't wait to find out. Just knowing that I am able to, it's too tempting not to. We don't care what it is. I'd be over the moon with a boy, I'd be over the moon with a girl. My DH has said he has no preference either (it's out first so probably not surprising, but even so, we may stop at 1 anyway.. and really don't care if we have a son or a daughter). It's just nice to be able to make purchases and get excited for what it is!

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 09/07/2021 17:42

I’ve had 8 and always found out the sex. I would love to be able to not find out and have that moment at the end where it’s a surprise but I’m too nosy and I can’t wait! Plus I like buying stuff

mummy2CnB · 09/07/2021 17:42

Like others have said that chance for a true surprise doesn't happen often and I loved that feeling but also I got to feel everything when growing our child inside me so everything was 2nd time of it happening for my husband so I wanted him to have something that was his first so when she came out he was the one who got to tell me we had a girl.

snailmum · 09/07/2021 17:43

I was so sick during my pregnancies that having a surprise at the end was what kept me going. Sickness lasted entire pregnancy. The sex didn't matter to me. I had two boys and then a girl.

Trinacham · 09/07/2021 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

ladyluck13 · 09/07/2021 17:49

I'm 20 weeks gone now, and I found out because I wanted to know...I don't like surprises, and I've had multiple miscarriages. I would have been ecstatic either way, but it makes it seem more 'real' that I know. I don't get why people on here are dissing others choices, its either you find out or don't, neither is wrong or right, its a personal choice for momma to be. Just cherish them when they arrive x

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