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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
mrstea301 · 09/07/2021 09:06

I wouldn't find out - i'd want a surprise! I also wouldn't do a 4d scan, for me, they're too detailed, I'd want to wait and see their face in person for the first time!

It's personal preference tho, not bothered about people who do find out etc!

My sister had surprises with both of hers, and she said it was the only thing that got her through the final weeks of each pregnancy!

GaspGulpScream · 09/07/2021 09:15

Not knowing got me through labour too but each to their own...

Hardbackwriter · 09/07/2021 09:23

Also - something to 'aim towards', because after 41 weeks of being pregnant, I needed those babies out of me and I believe it motivated me during labour.

Grin I think you'd have found that you're pretty motivated to get the baby out of you during labour whether or not you know its sex!

I find it baffling and slightly sad that some people apparently feel that they wouldn't have found meeting their baby for the first time exciting if they'd already known if it was a boy or girl. And it definitely doesn't make me feel like the people who find out are the ones putting too much emphasis on the sex...

Bumzoo · 09/07/2021 09:24

Because I knew it would really hurt and the thought of a surprise at the end would keep me going.

Hardbackwriter · 09/07/2021 09:32

@Bumzoo

Because I knew it would really hurt and the thought of a surprise at the end would keep me going.
I had this super weird thing where knowing there would be my baby at the end was actually enough for me and the most amazing miracle I could imagine without needing to deliberately and artificially layer a 'surprise' for myself on top 🤷🏻‍♀️
chaosmaker · 09/07/2021 09:33

Genuinely curious, what if the baby is neither but you wanted to know. Is that a worry to add to the pregnancy or do you get told a best guess or that they can't tell?

nanbread · 09/07/2021 09:34

One of life's last true surprises.

Also by imagining your child a lot as a specific gender you're already placing certain expectations upon them before they're even born.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 09:43

@nanbread

One of life's last true surprises.

Also by imagining your child a lot as a specific gender you're already placing certain expectations upon them before they're even born.

You'll be placing that on them at birth if you're inclined to do that at all, and they won't have developed a personality for a good couple of years. The first reason is fair enough but the second, which comes up all the time, is pretty bogus.
mafted · 09/07/2021 09:50

And why do people keep insisting it's about buying pink or blue clothes? Maybe for some people it is and so what, that's up to them. Definitely wasn't part of my reasoning, or anyone else I know who found out
Because most people on these types of thread say a positive of finding out is that it helps them to prepare for the baby, as they also usually mention bonding I assume that prepare doesn't mean that, it means getting things ready, the nursery, pram etc. As you don't get different shaped cots and car seats for boys and girls it's assumed it must be the colour.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 10:02

Because most people on these types of thread say a positive of finding out is that it helps them to prepare for the baby, as they also usually mention bonding I assume that prepare doesn't mean that, it means getting things ready, the nursery, pram etc. As you don't get different shaped cots and car seats for boys and girls it's assumed it must be the colour.

Yes but "prepare" doesn't exclusively mean buy pink or blue things. Lots of people have outlined the other things they mean by prepare, such as just mentally feeling you know as much as you can about the baby, and more practical things like planning bedroom sharing with other siblings. This is what we mean by people are jumping to judgemental conclusions. The main people I can see referencing buying pink and blue things, are the people who wait making assumptions about those who don't. Very, very few people have said they wanted to know so they can buy pink or blue things. I found out and I didn't do any of that.

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 10:05

@mafted

And why do people keep insisting it's about buying pink or blue clothes? Maybe for some people it is and so what, that's up to them. Definitely wasn't part of my reasoning, or anyone else I know who found out Because most people on these types of thread say a positive of finding out is that it helps them to prepare for the baby, as they also usually mention bonding I assume that prepare doesn't mean that, it means getting things ready, the nursery, pram etc. As you don't get different shaped cots and car seats for boys and girls it's assumed it must be the colour.
Fair enough. I haven't seen many people on this thread mention preparing as a reason but admittedly I didn't read the whole thread so maybe some did. Also not heard it given as a reason as anyone I know, generally people don't give a reason as such unless pushed, they just say they wanted to know!

But also if people really do want to know so they can buy certain clothes or decorate the nursery in certain ways then isn't that just up to them? We can have a whole other argument about gender stereotyping but I'm not too convinced that dressing a baby girl in pink or a baby boy in blue is the most damaging form this takes.

mafted · 09/07/2021 10:09

Fair enough. I haven't seen many people on this thread mention preparing as a reason but admittedly I didn't read the whole thread so maybe some did. Also not heard it given as a reason as anyone I know, generally people don't give a reason as such unless pushed, they just say they wanted to know!
The OP did for a start!

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 10:11

@mafted

Fair enough. I haven't seen many people on this thread mention preparing as a reason but admittedly I didn't read the whole thread so maybe some did. Also not heard it given as a reason as anyone I know, generally people don't give a reason as such unless pushed, they just say they wanted to know! The OP did for a start!
So she did... sorry Grin read the OP late last night and that obviously didn't register for some reason. Still that was her reasoning, genuinely not heard that from anyone else.
MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 09/07/2021 10:23

I found out with both of mine. I can understand why some people would want a surprise but I didn’t. I have to say some of the smugness and downright nasty comments I got from people who didn’t want to find out before the birth was surprising. I had someone tell me the birth would be boring and an anticlimax already knowing the sex Hmm. As it happened my first birth was very complicated and at some point during the chaos a doctor said to me (after my baby had been taken to recovery while I was still in the operating theatre) ‘oh you did know it was a boy right?’ If that had been how I’d found out he was a boy that certainly wouldn’t have been the magical surprise moment people had told me would be so special.

Dinosaurballoon · 09/07/2021 10:23

An artificial layer of surprise?? Wth 😂😂😂

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 10:23

@mafted but what about what I said about how assuming "prepare" can only mean buy lots of pink/blue things, is jumping to judgemental conclusions based on your own preconceptions?

mafted · 09/07/2021 10:27

Yes but "prepare" doesn't exclusively mean buy pink or blue things. Lots of people have outlined the other things they mean by prepare, such as just mentally feeling you know as much as you can about the baby, and more practical things like planning bedroom sharing with other siblings.

When I hear parents to be say they're preparing for their baby to arrive I assume they mean they're packing their bag and buying the essentials not they're mentally preparing themselves. I think most would assume the same.
I suppose the sibling room is preparing but obviously not the case for all.

In any case I wasn't saying there was anything wrong with buying pink or blue stuff anyway. The PP wondered why people say that and I replied why I think that is assumed.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 10:29

When I hear parents to be say they're preparing for their baby to arrive I assume they mean they're packing their bag and buying the essentials not they're mentally preparing themselves. I think most would assume the same.
I suppose the sibling room is preparing but obviously not the case for all

Yeah but like it or not that IS nothing but an assumption. I don't assume that at all.

mafted · 09/07/2021 10:39

Yeah but like it or not that IS nothing but an assumption.
I know, that's why I said I assume Grin

I don't assume that at all.
Ok well done 👍
Next time I encounter a pregnant woman who tells me she's got loads to do to prepare for her baby I'll be sure to think to myself, she means thinking hard about bringing life into the world not traipsing round the baby department at John Lewis. If she starts asking for pram recommendations or talking nursery colours I'll tell her she's preparing all wrong.

marmaladehound · 09/07/2021 11:14

I have not found out the sex in either of my pregnancies and I was asked both times but how can you prepare for the baby then?? My assumption is often that people want to know as they like to colour coordinate as what else are you preparing for other than a baby?

I have no problem if people choose to find out, it's totally a personal choice to do so, but I from what I see and hear it's mostly to do with getting the "right" coloured clothes, baby room etc. Each to their own though.

Happygogoat · 09/07/2021 11:20

It is a surprise whether you find out in a scan or at the birth so I don't know why people care so much about that part.

I found out with first and not second. Didn't affect bond at all and also it wasn't some huge "surprise!" at the birth either because it was always going to be on or the other.

It helped with name choosing but then again we never nailed the names until they were here anyway.

I have a friend who had an awful birth, and found out the gender as a member of medical staff had to say it in an emergency situation. She wishes she had found out in w scan calmly and happily.

Each to their own.

areoplanecakerake · 09/07/2021 11:37

All my friends that found out wanted a girl. Just please don't tell people in real life and once your beautiful boy is here we can't unhear that you didn't want him.

EverythingDelegated · 09/07/2021 11:58

We didn't find out the sex of either of ours, it just didn't matter to us, in fact I actively didn't want to know and it was lovely to find out when they were born.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 12:02

@mafted

Yeah but like it or not that IS nothing but an assumption. I know, that's why I said I assume Grin

I don't assume that at all.
Ok well done 👍
Next time I encounter a pregnant woman who tells me she's got loads to do to prepare for her baby I'll be sure to think to myself, she means thinking hard about bringing life into the world not traipsing round the baby department at John Lewis. If she starts asking for pram recommendations or talking nursery colours I'll tell her she's preparing all wrong.

The context of those two statements is very different.

"I've got loads to do to get ready" probably does mean "buy things", though it isn't gender specific.

But "I found out the sex to be prepared" doesn't inherently mean that.

And the only reason it even matters is because being seen to care too much about the sex or subscribe too much to arbitrary gender stereotypes is such a loaded subject. Being that sort of person is no more evident from finding out because you want to be "prepared", than it is from wanting the traditional "it's a boy/girl" moment at birth.

Thelnebriati · 09/07/2021 12:07

I started trying to bond with mine when they were still in my womb, and knowing their sex helped me do that. I wasn't the maternal type before I had kids.

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