Page 23 | To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

pearlsandpetals · 2021-07-08T13:53:07+00:00

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all! I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

trevthecat · 09/07/2021 07:15

I have 3. Found out with one and two but not three. Felt closer to three. I loved the surprise. It was an amazing moment

KnobblyWand · 09/07/2021 07:16

With my first, I felt like you. I think it was because I didn't know what to expect at all, I was quite young and overwhelmed, I wanted all the information I could get so I could prepare myself.

With my next two babies I didn't care at all!

Dinosaurballoon · 09/07/2021 07:22

It’s the only genuine surprise I would ever have in my life.
Thought it would make pushing easier ( it really did).
It didn’t matter either way to me and it was really exciting picking all the yellow and white clothes, I honestly wasn’t fussed about decorating with pink or blue or having the name picked by 21 weeks etc.
I didn’t find out the second time either.
Not having a third but not adverse to the idea of finding out to see how different it would feel…. However I’ve heard of too many wrong sexes given by sonographers! And also the feeling of finding out by looking at them yourself and not by someone anonymous telling you at a scan.. I don’t think you can beat that moment.

inappropriateraspberry · 09/07/2021 07:24

I remember when people would ask if I knew what I was having, I'd often really that I hoped it was a baby and not a kitten or a puppy, although that would make me a lot of money!

inappropriateraspberry · 09/07/2021 07:25

I also found it odd when people asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I really wasn't bothered!

inappropriateraspberry · 09/07/2021 07:29

@NakedAttraction

How are boy newborn babies different to girls?

A newborn baby girl has never pissed directly in my face

Believe me, they can!

Maggiesfarm · 09/07/2021 07:39

I'm not a contortionist, Grelbunt (great name!), but I watched my babies emerge. I thought most people did.

Maggiesfarm · 09/07/2021 07:45

PS: I mean people who have a straightforward vaginal delivery.

I remember it very clearly, pushing out the head and then the body slithering out. It was lovely.

inappropriateraspberry · 09/07/2021 08:01

I was also once told how 'clever' I was for having one of each! Like I had any choice about it. Some people are very strange about the sex of their's, and other's children. I don't get it, we're all human beings with individual personalities and I think a hell of a lot of that is nature over nurture.

Twizbe · 09/07/2021 08:05

@inappropriateraspberry

I was also once told how 'clever' I was for having one of each! Like I had any choice about it. Some people are very strange about the sex of their's, and other's children. I don't get it, we're all human beings with individual personalities and I think a hell of a lot of that is nature over nurture.

I got that comment too. Somehow I was clever for getting a boy and girl (and in that order)

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 08:06

@hazandduck

I’m always a bit disappointed when someone finds out their baby’s sex before, it’s just not as exciting than waiting for the news when the baby is born! I find it takes a lot of the excitement out of it when someone knows the sex, the name, and announces it all, before the baby is even born, it’s weird to me. I don’t get what the rush is.

We didn’t find out with either and that moment when you first meet them and think “oh yes of course! It’s you!” It’s just magic. One of the few moments in life that’s just pure gleeful surprise and as long as they are healthy it doesn’t actually matter, whether it’s a boy or a girl, you’re blown away by them! Well I was, any way :)

I prefer neutral baby clothes any way so didn’t want to stock up a wardrobe of pink or blue.

Why would you be disappointed on someone else's behalf though? This is what I really don't get. I found out, I was happy with my decision, why on Earth would you be disappointed for me? I can assure you my pregnancy and birth were every bit as exciting for knowing!

And why do people keep insisting it's about buying pink or blue clothes? Maybe for some people it is and so what, that's up to them. Definitely wasn't part of my reasoning, or anyone else I know who found out.

mafted · 09/07/2021 08:10

We didn't find out with any of our four.
It feels weird to me to talk about them as a person before they're born.
I could prepare fine without knowing what genitals they'd have and I don't really have any expectations of what a baby boy or girl should be like so I can't see it would make a difference to how I would bond with them. I have both sexes and there is no girls are.. boys are...
IMO until they hit puberty there's not a difference it's people who treat them differently and have different expectations. So it really wasn't a big issue for me to find out

WhereDoILook · 09/07/2021 08:30

@ForeverAintEnough3

There are so few true surprises in life that I think this is a nice one to have on the day the baby arrives so for that reason I wouldn’t find out. I also think it’s good not to have pre-conceived motions of what the baby will be like built up before they arrive.

This. I don't understand why so many people want to know beforehand. I don't judge those who do though. During my pregnancies and labour with my first two it was so managed that the only thing that i wanted that I got was that Dh was the one who told me what we had. It was such a lovely moment.

toconclude · 09/07/2021 08:33

@pearlsandpetals

Apologies - I should have written sex not gender.

Yeah gotta toe the transhating line. The MN gender police will get ya otherwise.

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 08:34

My perinatal psychologist actually suggested finding out the sex to help bond with the bump. For some mothers who struggle with mental illness, being able to visualise a person, and sex is a major characteristic of a person is quite beneficial. I think some people need to get off their high horses and realise that everyone is different but everyone still loves their babies the same.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 08:38

They are not 100% accurate, how would you would feel if you had done all that bonding etc and they got it wrong?

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 08:41

Wouldn’t matter to me. It’s just helped me visualise there’s a person in there and not just a thing that’s sapping all my life out of me , making me throw up 6 times a day and making me want to kill my self.

Fivebyfive2 · 09/07/2021 08:43

We found out at 16 weeks because I'm the sort of person who can't not know something if there's a chance to know! Maybe not my best characteristic but there you go. My dh also wanted to know, so at least we agreed! We didn't care either way, we were just excited and curious... And thought itvw help narrow down some names!

I get why people want a surprise though, I really do. At the end of the day, it's a personal choice and I'm a bit surprised by some of the judgy comments on here to be honest!

NakedAttraction · 09/07/2021 08:43

And why do people keep insisting it's about buying pink or blue clothes? Maybe for some people it is and so what, that's up to them. Definitely wasn't part of my reasoning, or anyone else I know who found out

I wonder how a conversation with prospective Dad’s on this topic would go. I have quite a few male friends who definitely had a preference for a boy. They made no secret of the fact they were desperate to find out so they could start picturing them going to the driving range together or watching the match.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 08:55

I’m always a bit disappointed when someone finds out their baby’s sex before, it’s just not as exciting than waiting for the news when the baby is born! I find it takes a lot of the excitement out of it when someone knows the sex, the name, and announces it all, before the baby is even born, it’s weird to me. I don’t get what the rush is.

What's the rush? Pregnancy is really, really long, and feels even longer when it's somebody else's. I struggle to see finding that information out after 20 weeks as "rushing". The only person I've ever known not find out (to whom I was close enough to speak to during the pregnancy) it went on FOREVER and I was frankly tired of the speculation towards the end. Why would I want to spend 2-3 months speculating about what sex it will be, when that information was already available but they'd chosen not to hear it? And, of courses when it doesn't really matter either way? Twenty weeks is more than enough time to feel excited for somebody else, I really don't understand why you'd be more excited after 40, or think "whoa, slow down, I wanted more time to sit on this!" if they found out at 20.

It makes sense as a mindset if you think there's something specifically to GAIN from waiting, ie the surprise and dramatic "it's a boy/girl!" announcement. But I don't care about that. I think there's a lot of people saying things like "people are so impatient" as if they are the one's focused on something silly and unimportant compared to having a healthy and happy baby, but in reality that's far more apparent in the people who DO care about that "at birth" announcement. The people who just find out at twenty weeks and DON'T feel like there is going to be a big sex based eureka moment on birth, that will be the most exciting part for you and others, are obviously the people making less of a big deal out of their baby's sex.

For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that "exciting announcement" moment, but I think there is a lot of hypocrisy about whose motivations are the mature ones when people start talking about exciting announcements, and Christmas presents etc.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 08:58

@ineedaholidaynow

They are not 100% accurate, how would you would feel if you had done all that bonding etc and they got it wrong?

I just prepared myself for that eventuality tbh. I was told I was having a girl and knew that was the way it was most likely to be interpreted wrong, so I just bore in mind that I was probably having a girl. I do remember asking if it definitely was when she was born.

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 08:59

@aSofaNearYou

I’m always a bit disappointed when someone finds out their baby’s sex before, it’s just not as exciting than waiting for the news when the baby is born! I find it takes a lot of the excitement out of it when someone knows the sex, the name, and announces it all, before the baby is even born, it’s weird to me. I don’t get what the rush is.

What's the rush? Pregnancy is really, really long, and feels even longer when it's somebody else's. I struggle to see finding that information out after 20 weeks as "rushing". The only person I've ever known not find out (to whom I was close enough to speak to during the pregnancy) it went on FOREVER and I was frankly tired of the speculation towards the end. Why would I want to spend 2-3 months speculating about what sex it will be, when that information was already available but they'd chosen not to hear it? And, of courses when it doesn't really matter either way? Twenty weeks is more than enough time to feel excited for somebody else, I really don't understand why you'd be more excited after 40, or think "whoa, slow down, I wanted more time to sit on this!" if they found out at 20.

It makes sense as a mindset if you think there's something specifically to GAIN from waiting, ie the surprise and dramatic "it's a boy/girl!" announcement. But I don't care about that. I think there's a lot of people saying things like "people are so impatient" as if they are the one's focused on something silly and unimportant compared to having a healthy and happy baby, but in reality that's far more apparent in the people who DO care about that "at birth" announcement. The people who just find out at twenty weeks and DON'T feel like there is going to be a big sex based eureka moment on birth, that will be the most exciting part for you and others, are obviously the people making less of a big deal out of their baby's sex.

For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that "exciting announcement" moment, but I think there is a lot of hypocrisy about whose motivations are the mature ones when people start talking about exciting announcements, and Christmas presents etc.

Yes, this. All of this!

Mamamamasaurus · 09/07/2021 09:01

It's one of the few things that's still a surprise. I find it odd that people DO want to know before birth.

Also - something to 'aim towards', because after 41 weeks of being pregnant, I needed those babies out of me and I believe it motivated me during labour.

Mamamamasaurus · 09/07/2021 09:02

Also, my DH told me the sex of both DC at birth, not the midwives. Made it more special for us

Buhbup · 09/07/2021 09:04

i don’t think you’re meaning to come across as offensive by inferring that someone couldn’t possibly bond with a child they’re growing inside their own body because they don’t know if they’ve got a penis or a vagina,

That’s not what that poster said. She said she’d have a closer bond if she knew than didn’t. Not that she thought someone who didn’t find out wouldn’t have a bond. Knowing the sex was important to me for bonding before birth.

As individuals we relate, interact and bond in different ways with people we meet our whole lives. If we didn’t these boards would be empty.