To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

1Some things are better left unknown. Joy and miracle of pregnancy just amazes me.

2 Surprise.

3 Technology can be wrong. Have known someone who was expecting a girl and it was actually a boy and vice versa.

Clearly I'm in a minority. I am only 8 weeks into a high risk pregnancy and not counting my chickens yet, but if I am lucky enough to get to the 20ish week mark and can find out the sex I absolutely will. I can't stand not knowing things and hate surprises! The thought of not finding out something I COULD find out is just not for me. But that's just what I'm like.

Obviously it doesn't mean you learn anything about them beyond their genitals, but I've known plenty of F&F who have also found out the sex at the scan without much umming and ahhing about it beforehand. It seems a natural thing to want to know, to me.

Also helps narrow down names especially if you have a several ideas for one sex but struggling with the other, you can focus on one shortlist instead of two. Again, this might just be me...

I have been a midwife for nearly 30 yrs now and I remember the days when nobody knew what sex they were having.

The look of sheer joy when the parents find out if they have a son or daughter was just beautiful to behold.

In today's world everything is planned and decided upon. I can't imagine for a minute a mother or father to be loving the baby more due to knowing the sex.

If anything in some cases it can alter how the parents react to the baby whilst still in utero. I have heard comments of naughty boy or diva before the poor baby has even arrived.

There are so few lovely surprises in life now and it's sad that the best surprise of all has now been given options to find out so in essence, taken from us.

@aSofaNearYou

I honestly don't understand why people (not you OP) get so het up over whether people have found out or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be fair, I see an awful lot more judgment from the "wait" side of the debate. That's the only reason I even ponder questions like OPs. I don't honestly think it says anything good or bad about a person either way, but a lot of the people who wait seem to, frequently backing up their opinion with assumptions that people only ever find out because they plan on enforcing negative gender stereotypes onto their kids.

I agree, but that’s mostly because the “ find out” side are more visible ( especially with gender trace als and social media) . The “wait” side aren’t actually doing anything to comment on are they?

I didn’t find out til she came out. I was as prepared as I needed to be, and managed to bond perfectly fine - I mean, if you find out halfway through your pregnancy, surely you’d already have bonded? I just wanted to wait.

@Thedogscollar - your last para is Bob on for me.

Ah that moment when they hold the baby up and you find out was so amazing.

I didn’t find out, I was actually vehemently against finding out. I love surprises and this is one of those situations where you get no say regardless how you approach it.

If I had anymore I wouldn’t find out either.

I agree, but that’s mostly because the “ find out” side are more visible ( especially with gender trace als and social media) . The “wait” side aren’t actually doing anything to comment on are they?

I think people seem to confuse people finding out at the scan, and people making a big deal of it on SM, tbh. They don't go hand in hand, many people find out of the scan that make no more of their decision than those that find out at birth.

I don't like surprises and didn't have the patience to wait.

We found out. I didn’t really want to but my husband really did, so we did. It was quite anticlimactic at the time but was really glad we did in the end because I struggled with anxiety relating to the uncertainty of the future quite a lot in my third trimester and for some reason talking about ‘our son’, ‘he’ and ‘him’ helped me feel calmer.

But I’d never judge anyone for making either choice, I entirely get why people want to wait.

Actually that’s not strictly true. I do judge people a little when they find out but ‘keep it a secret’ so it’s a ‘surprise for everyone else’ (my brother and sister in law). You’re the only people who care you numpties. 😂

Hmm I don’t think it changes anything, I still painted the room a jungle theme and got funky colourful clothing. DMIL is buying DS1 a pram
for him to push his toys around. I want them both to be kind and gentle when growing up regardless of whether they’ve got a dick and balls or not.

But.. I am impatient, so both times I’ve found out because I can’t wait to know everything there is to know about my babies. If there was a test to say what colour hair they’d have, I’d take it. If I could see into the future and find out what their favourite hobby was, I’d find out. I just want to know as much as I can about these new people I’m making.

@Grellbunt

Well if I lost the baby it would be much harder having pictured him/her etc. Nature doesn't want us to know. Humans have managed for centuries without knowing! Wouldn't change the way I prep anyway. Nappies are nappies and babygros are babygros. Nothing needs to be sexed.

By the way, it's sex, not gender.

I needed to know my ds2 was a boy, so we could name him before we lost him. It was about all the information we would ever have about him. Sex, weight and his diagnosis.

Then we obviously feel very differently. OP wanted to know why those who don't find out make that choice. It's interesting how people can be so different... You wanted to know more, I wanted to know less...

I got to tell my husband we would be parents. I wanted him to tell me if we had a son or daughter. With both my DC I told the midwives when I was pushing that they weren’t to tell me the sex as it was my husbands job! 😂

@Grellbunt

Then we obviously feel very differently. OP wanted to know why those who don't find out make that choice. It's interesting how people can be so different... You wanted to know more, I wanted to know less...

Absolutely, and I'm so so sorry for your loss

Apologies, posted too soon.

Sorry that you had to face that loss.

Because it doesn't change how much I love my baby and that's all that matters!
The moment my husband announced both our babies sex after birth was some of the most incredible moments of my life. For the first few hours of their lives only me and my husband knew who they were and that was so special.

I don't need to buy gender specific clothing or paint a nursery a certain colour. Babies in white are so dreamy!!!

I wanted a surprise and didn't want to jinx anything after years of trying. I also liked the idea of dp telling me not a nurse to make it special. Tbh I think it also avoids all the pink crap "gender" stereotyping as we made sure everything is neutral. Babies do not need girlie or boy things,
Also I do think their is v little news or much to say when you hear someone has had a baby and you knew sex prior.

It can be chavvy to go ott but that was not something I really considered.

I was so hopeful that I’d have baby that was alive knowing the sex beforehand was irrelevant.

The sex made no difference to our preparation, we had everything ready, our baby's genitals had no impact on what we bought.

It was actually really nice to find out when we saw him to not speculate on who he was, we had no expectations or ideas, we met him that day.

But it also meant we didn't get inundated with gendered crap.

Also, hearing my husband saying "he's a boy he's he's boy, we have a boy, we can call him DSs name I loved and he didn't" is one of my favourite memories

It's like opening your presents before Christmas

This is one of those issues that people have bizarrely strong opinions about, when the only people it should matter to either way are the parents! I found out at 12 weeks DD was a girl as we had the fetal harmony test. For, from that point on, she just felt more real and more like a little person and I loved being able to talk about her as 'she' and 'her' not 'the baby'. Totally personal though, I completely get why others chose to wait. But I remember telling a friend of MILs we had found out and I swear she looked at me like I had 3 heads and said "such a shame". WTF, why is it a shame Others I said it to just seemed sort of sad and asked why I didn't want a surprise.

And no, we certainly didn't find out so we could "enforce gender stereotypes" on her!

It’s is literally nothing opening like your presents before Christmas. You’re meeting a brand new person, nothing could be more exciting.

I regularly get nice surprises. If finding out the sex of your child at the point of their birth is one of life’s only remaining surprises then you’re procreating with the wrong person

@DrManhattan

It's like opening your presents before Christmas

But the baby is the "present". So it's more like knowing what your present is before christmas, which lots of people happily do.