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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
Grellbunt · 08/07/2021 20:13

Well if I lost the baby it would be much harder having pictured him/her etc. Nature doesn't want us to know. Humans have managed for centuries without knowing! Wouldn't change the way I prep anyway. Nappies are nappies and babygros are babygros. Nothing needs to be sexed.

By the way, it's sex, not gender.

dopeyduck · 08/07/2021 20:14

I found out with #1. I won't with #2. It really doesn't matter to me and I think the surprise will be something joyful and exciting to look forward to and focus on in what I know will be a stressful time during the birth.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 20:16

@Grellbunt

Well if I lost the baby it would be much harder having pictured him/her etc. Nature doesn't want us to know. Humans have managed for centuries without knowing! Wouldn't change the way I prep anyway. Nappies are nappies and babygros are babygros. Nothing needs to be sexed.

By the way, it's sex, not gender.

We survived lots of things for centuries (or some did) but that doesn't mean there's any reason we have to now, when it's possible to know sooner.
huniepop · 08/07/2021 20:16

@topwings

I didn't want my DC to be born into expectations of what they would be like just because if whether they had a penis or a vulva. My in-laws in particular tend to make of assumptions about what a girl or boy grandchild would be like

But surely the assumptions started as soon as the child was born?

There seems to be "I don't gender stereotype" superiority in a lot of posts. Other posters have said not finding out prevented getting gifted pink or blue clothes. Don't people buy gifts after the baby is born so not finding out won't prevent that?

As has been pointed out over and over, many people that find out don't do it for the gender reveals or even tell other people what they're having; they find out for themselves.

Another poster said it's "more natural" to find out at birth. I wasn't able to have a "natural" conception and if my labour was left up to nature, my baby would have died so nature isn't all its cracked up to be. Yay for science!

People pretend they're so above gender stereotypes but give their child a "boy" or "girl" name at birth. Absolutely nothing wrong with getting excited and buying particular clothes.

lostandlonely20 · 08/07/2021 20:18

@SemiFeralDalek I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby son at 19 weeks last year and I totally agree with what you said - given that his sex, weight and his diagnosis is pretty much all we will ever have of him, it did start to matter to us.

Mrschristmasqueen · 08/07/2021 20:19

We didn't find out with our first. We were just so happy that I was pregnant after years of trying and being told it may never happen that we didn't care if it was boy, girl or banana! With our second we decided to find out just because. People said to us that it ruined the surprise doing that. Having found out one at birth and one at 20 weeks pregnant I can honestly say both times were just as amazing and neither time did it affect our bonding.
I honestly don't understand why people (not you OP) get so het up over whether people have found out or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 20:20

Well if I lost the baby it would be much harder having pictured him/her etc.

that's very personal. Losing your baby is just as painful for many, and some parents who didn't know have to ask at the loss stage.

Nature doesn't want us to know. Humans have managed for centuries without knowing!
that's the argument that really annoy me. "Nature" doesn't want us to have epidural, c-section, formula, NICU... "nature" must want for women to be in agony and a for a very high maternal and baby death.

It's utter nonsense. We should be civilised enough that we expect more than "managing" Hmm

lostandlonely20 · 08/07/2021 20:20

@Grellbunt - when I lost my baby, it really helped me to know what his sex was as I didn't really have anything else to know about him.

SemiFeralDalek · 08/07/2021 20:20

[quote lostandlonely20]**@SemiFeralDalek* I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby son at 19 weeks last year and I totally agree with what you said - given that his sex, weight and his diagnosis is pretty much all we will ever have of him, it did start to matter to us.*[/quote]
I am so sorry for your loss my love ❤️

Musication · 08/07/2021 20:23

Because everyone is not the same. I didn't find out either time because I didn't feel like I needed to know in advance. I didn't particularly want any pre-conceived ideas about my children and I felt that knowing the sex might make me start imagining them when in reality they were going to be who they were going to be! I'm done with babies but if I ever had another I wouldn't find out then either.

1940s · 08/07/2021 20:25

I was apprehensive about childbirth and believed that waiting to find out would help me in the final stages. For me it did. I knew every push got me closer and closer to knowing what I'd been carrying that whole time!

Twokitstwokats · 08/07/2021 20:27

How on earth do you prepare for a boy baby differently to a girl baby? I didn't want to know because I didn't want anyone getting preconceived ideas about what my baby should be like before it is even born.

Tumbleweed101 · 08/07/2021 20:29

I have four and didn't find out for any of them prior to birth. I love that bit where you look down and see what you have and at that point it doesn't matter because that little person is real and in your arms.

I loved the anticipation, the old wives tales to predict the sex and the wondering. There are plenty of neutral clothes and equipment to get through the early days.

MimiDaisy11 · 08/07/2021 20:31

I don’t really get the better bonding experience if you know the sex. It’s just surely in your head and not real bonding as you picture a life with a little girl or boy. I’m a bit of a pessimist and wouldn’t want to be more emotionally attached during pregnancy anyway as I was always aware of the possibility of a miscarriage.

I waited until birth to find out the sex, thinking it would be a great surprise like people often experience but I ended up having an emergency c section and really felt nothing when they said the baby was a boy. I was just so relieved to hear him cry and know he was ok.

VestaTilley · 08/07/2021 20:31

Firstly it’s sex, not gender. Your baby doesn’t have a gender.

Sex is what you’re finding out- it it’s male or female.

The blue clothes and pram for a boy and pink nonsense for a girl - that’s gender: regressive stereotyping that forces children in to behavioural boxes because we’re socially conditioned to do so.

I have one DC. We didn’t find out as we wanted a surprise, and all we cared about was having a healthy baby, and me hopefully making it through the birth!

Because we don’t agree with gendered stereotypes we weren’t planning on a pink or blue nursery, and we just put our DS in colourful clothes- we didn’t restrict the choice to dull blues and greys because he is male Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 20:32

I honestly don't understand why people (not you OP) get so het up over whether people have found out or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be fair, I see an awful lot more judgment from the "wait" side of the debate. That's the only reason I even ponder questions like OPs. I don't honestly think it says anything good or bad about a person either way, but a lot of the people who wait seem to, frequently backing up their opinion with assumptions that people only ever find out because they plan on enforcing negative gender stereotypes onto their kids.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 20:32

How on earth does finding out at birth does anything to prevent stereotypes and preconceptions about your child?

How much does a newborn genuinely reveal about his character, style, temperament.. for the first few weeks, if not months?

Are you telling me you look at your 1 day old daughter, and can absolutely tell if she will love pink glitter, barbies and treehouses, or navy and grey, toy cars and crafts? And finding out about her sex 2 months earlier or on the day of her birth makes any difference on the way you raise her? Really?

Bizeb · 08/07/2021 20:35

It doesn’t matter, although my family have a certain hereditary medical condition that only affects girls and the doctor was pre-warned of what to watch out for during the newborn check. But it’s a surprise in the moment whether you find out at week 20 in the scan room or week 40 at delivery!?

PigsEnigma · 08/07/2021 20:42

We didnt feel the need to know first time round. We didnt care either way and didnt need to 'prepare' blue for boy or pink for girl because well... Clothes are clothes arent they. The nursery-to-be didn't need to be decorated as they'd be in with us for six months and by the time they need their own room we'd have learnt a little about their personality.

Second time round we found out but only as we felt it would help DS understand more what was going on and help him feel that he was part of things.

Also our neighbour had been told she was having a girl and when her baby arrived lo and behold, a boy. They had to redecorate their pink nursery and buy him a whole new wardrobe.

topwings · 08/07/2021 20:44

Nature doesn't want us to know

More bloody nature!

As I've said up thread, nature has done me no favours in the fertility/birth process so I don't hold it in much esteem.

Nobody leaves cancer or heart attacks up to nature but yet women judge other women for not mothering like the cave women did. It's such nonsense!

VienneseWhirligig · 08/07/2021 20:46

I wanted a surprise. I didn't mind if I had a boy or a girl, and it was fun guessing, and discussing names. It wasn't that unusual 21 years ago though not to find out.

Scubalubs87 · 08/07/2021 20:49

@astorica that's how I felt when I met my son too. I just looked at him and I totally knew him. Was like meeting an old friend. He was familiar. My soul just knew his. But, I'd never been able to visualise him while pregnant and I couldn't name him until he was here. But, I absolutely knew him.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 20:51

The people ranting about "nature" are usually the same ones who smuggly try to shame others for not having a "natural" birth if they were able to have one themselves, shame others for bottle-feeding, if they had been able to themselves and so on..

Frankly, none of this makes any difference and no one cares.

Mrschristmasqueen · 08/07/2021 20:52

@aSofaNearYou

I honestly don't understand why people (not you OP) get so het up over whether people have found out or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be fair, I see an awful lot more judgment from the "wait" side of the debate. That's the only reason I even ponder questions like OPs. I don't honestly think it says anything good or bad about a person either way, but a lot of the people who wait seem to, frequently backing up their opinion with assumptions that people only ever find out because they plan on enforcing negative gender stereotypes onto their kids.

I agree. When we didn't find out with our first we got a lot of "Oh that's lovely, everyone is too impatient nowadays" comments. When we found out with our second we got "You've ruined the surprise at birth". I think people who have found out tend to be more accepting of those who haven't than the other way round. Not all of them, obviously. I have friends who didn't find out who are fully supportive of those who do and vice versa.
Astorica · 08/07/2021 20:59

It would be really interesting to understand whether children born to parents who found out the sex conform to more of the typical gender stereotypes

My lad had a toy pram and a kitchen. He always liked cars but his girlfriend loves them more than he does. He still sleeps with his arms wrapped around the stuffed penguin he got when he was 3 (unless his girlfriend is staying over of course 😊). His idol in a sport he loves is a female rather than male world champion. His professional mentor is a middle aged woman. He can cook though he’s still a messy sod. He’s known for a while his best friend is gay and he’s recently created the conditions for his friend to come out and feel safe and confident doing so. There’s no stereotype that fits my kid, he’s a unique mould.