Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 ··· 32 33

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:

DeRigueurMortis · 08/07/2021 19:32

Just to add I was certain I was carrying a boy, as was DH.

We genuinely didn't care either way but just had a strong feeling it was a male child.

At the scan the HCP initially said it's a girl and I nearly fell off the table with shock and DH had an audible gasp .

A few mins later we were laughing about girls names when baby moved and low and behold he decided to provide evidence of his manhood to the scan .

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 19:33

@aSofaNearYou

We had a long list for names but took 2 weeks after birth to decide.

We didn't make a hard choice because

Wanted to see if it suited baby (as much as you can with that!)

Having lost so many, we both had some anxieties over doing it.

We didn't buy baby stuff until a few days before induction, only a few bits and tasked siblings with removing it all in case things didn’t work out.

NakedAttraction · 08/07/2021 19:34

@LittleBlackCat22

Although I dont understand people who say they need to know to sex to be prepared? What is there you could buy for a baby that wouldnt be useful for either sex?

Because all the neutral clothes ive seen are ugly.
Because I wanted to know if I needed to keep all my girls old stuff or buy new.
So I knew if I needed to try harder on finding a boys name as we really struggled and I’d we were having a girl we didn’t need to bother.
And despite people saying there is no difference in parenting boys and girls, there is. The way that babies are treated right from day one by society is very different depending on what their sex is and me and my husband want to be prepared to counteract that.

Love this! You wanted to counteract society’s impact on girls and boys but wanted to dress them in gender identifying clothing

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 19:36

It’s interesting that the sex can be wrong, I didn’t know it was so common and thought it was 100% or thereabouts.

Is it normally confused a certain way?

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 19:38

It would be really interesting to understand whether children born to parents who found out the sex conform to more of the typical gender stereotypes.

I bet they are not.

The insistence that not wanting to be left in the dark when the medical staff knows makes a difference is strange.

If you believe so much in gender neutral colour, what is it to you if someone prefers blue or pink after all?

I actually really navy for a girl, and I don't like pink on a child.

LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 19:39

@NakedAttraction no. But all the neutral stuff I’ve seen has been horrible, i wouldn’t put it on any baby. And I hate plain white.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 19:40

On MN, everybody is "gender neutral", against stereotypes bladibla.

Go to any primary school party, school disco etc.. and boys are in jeans, girls in dresses 😂 boys dress as superhero, girls as "super girls, batgirls with tutu"..

1stTimeMama · 08/07/2021 19:40

I didn't want to find out with any of mine as I don't believe it makes a difference with bonding, holds no benefits, and I like the surprise.
I loved my babies regardless of if they were a boy or girl, and shopping for them once they were born was lovely, rather than getting things beforehand.
Each time we had a shortlist of boys or girls names, and we just chose when we were ready. We did find out with one of them, and it wasn't any more or less exciting than not knowing any of the others.

cheeseychovolate · 08/07/2021 19:45

I didn't find out because as an adult you don't get many surprises in life so I thought no way am I finding out, I wanted a surprise to look forward to

1stTimeMama · 08/07/2021 19:46

Also, they can be wrong. A friend was told she was having a girl, and have birth to a boy. She had formed a life for her daughter, name her, bought her everything, decorated her room. As much as she loved her son, she went through a grieving process for the daughter she thought she was having.

Saoirse82 · 08/07/2021 19:47

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first and don't understand why everyone is so obsessed with finding out their babys sex. I can bond with my baby whether I know its a boy or girl just the same. My sister didn't find out with her 2 boys and it was lovely to find out on the day, so much more exciting for the family. And the only things I can't buy are some gender specific clothing but I'm happy for them to be in unisex clothing whilst they are newborn. Im the opposite to you, I don't get the obsession of finding out. My cousin found out with her first 2 but not her second 2, she really urged me not to find out as she said it made it that bit more special that her dh was the one to tell her what they were having so I'll be team cream til the end!

user1473450164 · 08/07/2021 19:47

Because it made not difference to me. I don't really do the pink for girl, blue for boy thing, so no need to be prepared for a girl or boy, just a baby!

TattyDevine · 08/07/2021 19:49

Other common misconceptions about people who choose to find out the sex:

-You are going to exclusively deck them out in frilly pink or dinosaurs and blue trucks and somehow need to know because of that (we didn't, they were in a lot of white/cream white with grey dots, that kids of thing from birth till around 6 months, with gifts being the main gendered stuff they owned

-That you care about the sex one way or another to the extent it might be a problem you have to overcome in time for the birth or information you need to know to bond (no! Not in our case anyway)

Oh and this "I don't care as long as it's healthy" thing - what if it's not? Do you suddenly start caring about the sex? Or do you reject the baby altogether? Or is it a completely fucking separate issue? 🤨

Changechangychange · 08/07/2021 19:50

@Jellyred

It’s interesting that the sex can be wrong, I didn’t know it was so common and thought it was 100% or thereabouts.

Is it normally confused a certain way?

Yep, if they make a mistake it’s usually because they missed a penis - so usually say it’s a girl when it’s a boy.

nokidshere · 08/07/2021 19:52

It took me 17 yrs to get pregnant and I found out the sex when I had a cvs. I wasn't any more or less excited because I knew.

iMombie · 08/07/2021 19:53

I loved not knowing. My 1st baby I painted their room with rainbow stripes and my second had a woodland/bird theme. I had neutral clothes enough for the first month, then you can buy more or I got bought a lot of clothes. We loved talking about names, if we knew the sex that would have halved the conversation.
I really don’t think it would have made the bond any different in the slightest.
Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy

Temple29 · 08/07/2021 19:53

I found out with both my boys because I’m totally impatient and no way could DH or I wait 9 months. I didn’t care either way but just really wanted to know. And it was still a surprise finding out at the scan in my opinion.

lostandlonely20 · 08/07/2021 19:57

@usernameXYZ -2- it's truly the only supprise in life that you'll get...

It does annoy me when people say that because it really isn't true! I was surprised when they told me my baby had no heartbeat at my 19 week scan. There are lots of surprises in life and some of them are really horrible.

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2021 19:59

There are so few surprises in life, plus things can go wrong right up until the last minute.

topwings · 08/07/2021 20:06

I didn't want my DC to be born into expectations of what they would be like just because if whether they had a penis or a vulva. My in-laws in particular tend to make of assumptions about what a girl or boy grandchild would be like

But surely the assumptions started as soon as the child was born?

There seems to be "I don't gender stereotype" superiority in a lot of posts. Other posters have said not finding out prevented getting gifted pink or blue clothes. Don't people buy gifts after the baby is born so not finding out won't prevent that?

As has been pointed out over and over, many people that find out don't do it for the gender reveals or even tell other people what they're having; they find out for themselves.

Another poster said it's "more natural" to find out at birth. I wasn't able to have a "natural" conception and if my labour was left up to nature, my baby would have died so nature isn't all its cracked up to be. Yay for science!

SemiFeralDalek · 08/07/2021 20:08

@TattyDevine

In my personal experience, when my baby wasn't healthy at the anomaly scan, we wanted to know the sex so that we could name him before he was born, because 90 minutes after he was born, he died. So given that his sex, weight and his diagnosis is pretty much all we will ever have of him, it did start to matter to us.

We didn't reject him, he is my son, and I will forever grieve for him and love him and live with the loss of him. We just didn't want his short life to be filled with suffering and pain, and from his diagnosis, it was unlikely we would ever bring him home.

coulditbecominghome · 08/07/2021 20:08

I wasn't bothered by the gender & thought it would be something to look forward to. But I didn't really buy clothes or much until the very end as I personally feel a bit uncomfortable with that.

Astorica · 08/07/2021 20:08

I found out at 20 weeks. When my boy was handed to me I recall thinking “hello [name i’d chosen 8.5 months ago], I’ve been dying to meet you”. I felt like I already knew him on some level. Through pregnancy I never visualised what he’d look like (I can’t visualise my own face) or what he’d be like, what he’s do and enjoy etc. I just knew him as [his name]. But I knew him.

Astorica · 08/07/2021 20:09

So sorry @SemiFeralDalek x

PumpkinPie2016 · 08/07/2021 20:12

We just weren't bothered what we had and wanted a surprise on the day so we didn't find out. It was nice choosing boy/girl names and we got lovely baby things in neutral.

I also knew of a couple of people who'd asked and then it turned out to be wrong

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 ··· 32 33

Swipe left for the next trending thread