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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:35

ah are you one of those parents whose boys go round being rowdy and pushing other kids and you say “boys will be boys”

I am not actually, or remotely pretending that all (anything) are the same but loving the stereotypes Grin

I have 4 kids. I found that the high majority of the most close-minded parents, stuck in stereotypes, obtuse and pushy are the ones who pretend there's no such things as boys and girls and try to deny any possible (and biological) differences . They also tend to have girls which makes even more depressing.

gingerandproud4always · 08/07/2021 17:36

What are you on about? I can literally think of no way in which you should see those later things as linked to finding out at the scan?

Every single person I know who has found out has refused to try to breastfeed because it's 'weird'. All the people who waited for the surprise have tried. 'Baby wearing' doesn't allow you to show off your vulgar pram. It's so much better for your social media following to know!

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:36

@gingerandproud4always

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

very confuse..

Not sure I agree with your list being relevant with finding the gender anyway, but none of the items on that list have anything to do with social class?

mistermagpie · 08/07/2021 17:37

@gingerandproud4always

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

What are you talking about?

I have three children and didn't find out the sex with any of them.

Only one was breastfed and the other two weren't, used slings with two of them and not the other, all three had a dummy...

Finding out the sex isn't indicative of anything else about parenting.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:37

@gingerandproud4always

What are you on about? I can literally think of no way in which you should see those later things as linked to finding out at the scan?

Every single person I know who has found out has refused to try to breastfeed because it's 'weird'. All the people who waited for the surprise have tried. 'Baby wearing' doesn't allow you to show off your vulgar pram. It's so much better for your social media following to know!

I mean that nicely, but you do need new friends...

It's just you who has people like that around you I am afraid.

SemiFeralDalek · 08/07/2021 17:38

With DS1, he was a surprise, I was worried I would be disappointed if I knew before he was born, whatever I had. I couldn't bear the idea of being disappointed by my baby for even a second, so had a surprise.

DS2, I bounced into the anomaly scan alone with a bit of paper, blithely asking the sonographer to write down the sex so dh and I could find out together afterwards. Turned out he was catastrophically poorly and we lost him less than a week later at 21+4. That was November just gone.

Coming in off the back of a MC and a MMC (last week) if I'm ever pregnant again, other than heavily medicated, I'm not sure I'll feel anything until/if I manage to bring home a healthy baby.

All I want is a healthy baby, and by healthy baby, I don't necessarily mean "lack of disability" because you can't screen for everything, things happen, and life can change in an instant. What I mean by "healthy baby" is not a dead or dying one.

Rhystior · 08/07/2021 17:38

@Jellyred the point I’m making is that finding out the sex at birth is a tiny part of the overall excitement. The excitement comes from there being a new person and the thrill of getting to know them. I think the surprise/excitement aspect of finding out the sex at birth is overstated and the idea that the experience of a newborn arriving when you already know the sex is “meh” as another poster has described it is absurd.

shallIswim · 08/07/2021 17:38

I didn't want to know. Was pregnant twice in the US where it is common to want to know, and the sonography was gob smacked by my laissez faire attitude!

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 17:39

I don't get why people view not finding out as "the default". To me, finding information out at the earliest available time is "the default". It feels like more of a statement when people DON'T find out. It's often paired with a very strong statement about how little they care about the sex, too, which is what I find most confusing. If you are that unbothered, surely you would be equally as unbothered about finding out when the baby is born?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2021 17:39

@gingerandproud4always

What are you on about? I can literally think of no way in which you should see those later things as linked to finding out at the scan?

Every single person I know who has found out has refused to try to breastfeed because it's 'weird'. All the people who waited for the surprise have tried. 'Baby wearing' doesn't allow you to show off your vulgar pram. It's so much better for your social media following to know!

I take it you only know 2 people Confused
Diddumz · 08/07/2021 17:39

I wanted to know as much as possible about the baby as I had previously lost four babies.

It was lovely finding out via a scan.

Elune · 08/07/2021 17:40

And out of the six women in our antenatal group, all of us found out the sex, five breastfed, all of us wore baby carriers, no one used a dummy. Absolutely zero link in any way and ridiculous to suggest there is.

Rhystior · 08/07/2021 17:40

Knowing that I was so near to finding out if my baby was a boy or a girl was one of the things that kept me going through an agonising birth

Wasn’t it meeting your baby itself that kept you going? Are you saying if you’d known the sex you’d have lost motivation?!

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 08/07/2021 17:41

Didnt find out the sex of the first two, I didn’t really mind one way or the other and thats fairly lucky cos the hospital had a policy of NOT telling you the sex

Paid privately to find out what number 3 was but that was to help us make a decision about bedrooms

But that was 20 years ago

I think if we had our time again we’d probably do the same thing

Changechangychange · 08/07/2021 17:41

@gingerandproud4always

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

That’s not a class signifier, it’s a “your little social circle” signifier. Not generalisable at all.

I found out at 10 weeks (Harmony test). But I breastfed to 18 months, co-slept, baby-led weaned, and still occasionally use the sling now (DS is 4, but it’s useful on long days out), etc etc. All of MY friends are the same as me. Because most friendship groups have similar outlooks. Not because there is anything intrinsically middle class about Harmony tests or slings.

Noterook · 08/07/2021 17:41

@N8Emma

We decided not to find out because I wanted to try to bring my child up without too many stereotypes and as little gender bias as we can. We decorated the room with a safari animal theme and had plenty of neutral clothes etc. Now she's 2 and a half and loves dressing up in pink and sparkles but also loves her tool kit, playing football and playing with toy cars. I bonded with my baby because she is my baby, I didn't give two hoots what body parts she has and I want her to be an individual and love whatever and whoever she wants to love without being pushed down any particular path.
That's quite a reach that everyone who finds out during pregnancy pushes their child to conform to gender stereotypes. I think some people need to give their head a wobble and stop placing so much significance on being holier than thou by not finding out.
gingerandproud4always · 08/07/2021 17:41

The class thing seems very clear to me. Maybe it's just where I live in the north but I hope I'm wrong. Both sides of this van abs usually are wonderful parents. I didn't mean to offend. Or say where I was on the list 🤣. We actually accidentally found out with baby number 2 and it was awful not having that surprise but for some it is wonderful finding out.

aimss4777 · 08/07/2021 17:41

@Changechangychange

Those of you who didn’t know - did you close your eyes during the scans? Because it was extremely obvious that DS had a penis and scrotum. Particularly on later scans. I didn’t need telling by the sonographer, I could see it for myself.
I just look away when sonographer is higher up on my belly (currently pregnant, baby head down), I don't know what I'm looking for but like you said sometimes it's obvious! Not hard to look away for us personally :)
aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 17:42

Every single person I know who has found out has refused to try to breastfeed because it's 'weird'. All the people who waited for the surprise have tried. 'Baby wearing' doesn't allow you to show off your vulgar pram. It's so much better for your social media following to know!

Wtf? That's nonsense. Almost everyone I know with kids has found out by default, and a majority of them were middle class. Most parents I have known have tried breastfeeding, and whether they continued was based on whether it worked, not it being "weird". Conversely, the only people I know who have waited to find out the sex have been very traditional, working class people, who coincidentally have gone on to formula feed etc etc.

I'm not saying the reverse is true, I'm saying making the link in the first place is absolute bollocks!

Noterook · 08/07/2021 17:43

@gingerandproud4always

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

What a pile of shite.
StillWeRise · 08/07/2021 17:44

@SemiFeralDalek

With DS1, he was a surprise, I was worried I would be disappointed if I knew before he was born, whatever I had. I couldn't bear the idea of being disappointed by my baby for even a second, so had a surprise.

DS2, I bounced into the anomaly scan alone with a bit of paper, blithely asking the sonographer to write down the sex so dh and I could find out together afterwards. Turned out he was catastrophically poorly and we lost him less than a week later at 21+4. That was November just gone.

Coming in off the back of a MC and a MMC (last week) if I'm ever pregnant again, other than heavily medicated, I'm not sure I'll feel anything until/if I manage to bring home a healthy baby.

All I want is a healthy baby, and by healthy baby, I don't necessarily mean "lack of disability" because you can't screen for everything, things happen, and life can change in an instant. What I mean by "healthy baby" is not a dead or dying one.

I'm so sorry that happened to your family

And I think every pregnant woman should read and learn from your post. Scans are done for a serious reason, not for the sake of a photo to help you 'bond' and that you can share.

UmamiMammy · 08/07/2021 17:45

I didn't want to know until he/she was born.

Anonapapple · 08/07/2021 17:45

With my first, I gave birth in a country where everyone finds out the sex and I had to be very clear and firm at every appointment that I did not want to know, as I got lots of scans. Everyone told me what an amazing surprise it was going to be. The birth was incredibly traumatic and when they told me the sex, I could not have cared less. I was so out of it.

For my next pregnancy I didn't want any build-up to the birth at all, in any way, and I enjoyed finding out on my terms. When my second was born, I was totally out of it again so was able to enjoy that surprise in advance.

Pregnant with number 3 and I will be finding out. I'm interested in every aspect of my baby...if there was a scan where I could find out its future eye colour and hair colour and characteristics, I would probably go for that. I'm curious and want to know as much about them as I can. It's part of the excitement for me! I poured over recent scan notes that said my baby was 11mm last week. I'm just interested. If I had have had a magical moment finding out the sex in a previous birth I may feel differently. Some people seem to attribute a moral value as to whether someone finds out or not.

MamaMia252 · 08/07/2021 17:45

I didn't find out my childrens gender as I always think you don't get many nice surprises in life so you should wait until the day you meet them . You can totally prepare not knowing the sex!... there's no emergency pink or blue things to buy plus you can add to babies room gender colours like I did in time as for a while they'll be in with you. It's like opening a present on Christmas Eve,fun but better to wait till the big day 😁.....Also it's rare but sometimes gender scans are wrong so I'd worry I'd get a certain gender in my mine only to be presented with someone I wasn't expecting put me off finding out to,no that I would have cared. You'll love your baby no matter whether it's a pinky or a bluey, all yours so do what's right for you, good luck 💕

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 17:46

I found out my children’s genders. There was barely any neutral clothing. I wanted to know as I love pink end wanted to know if I could buy it

End of the day. Both my kids were emergencies. Both so tiny they could wear clothes for months anyway!

Never used their nursery because we had to keep them with us for a looooong time. Then we moved.

So all in all. End of the day for me. Didn’t make a difference. Because I wasn’t able to use any of it.

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