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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
gingerandproud4always · 08/07/2021 17:13

It seems to be very much a class thing round these parts.

CallmeHendricks · 08/07/2021 17:13

To me, finding out your baby's sex in advance is a bit like opening all your Christmas presents before the 25th and then wrapping them up again.
Not quite the same on Christmas morning, is it?

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:14

@MaskingForIt

I didn’t want to know because it felt like peeking at Christmas presents.

There’s also a clear class divide in who does and doesn’t.

oh tell us more, I am fascinated if class comes even in that one!

(I am already speechless that people can get so nasty about a simple "gender reveal" timing issue...)

ancientgran · 08/07/2021 17:14

I don't know why saying son or daughter would mean you would bond more than saying baby and what would you prepare differently? The only thing I can think of is so you can get lots of pink or blue stuff which didn't interest me, I liked everything in white for the early weeks.

ancientgran · 08/07/2021 17:16

Apart from the one who was EMCS I was the one who said "It's a boy" I quite like that I identified their sex not a stranger doing a scan.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/07/2021 17:18

@DoctorBambino

I never understand when people say they want a surprise... it's always a surprise no matter when you find out!?
You are right, of course, @DoctorBambino - I guess it is a matter of choice when you get the surprise. Dh and I wanted to get it when the baby was born.

And of course you are right too, @MrsMiddleMother - it is 50:50, so not a massive surprise - but there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to know when the baby is born (or before, of course).

Hippee · 08/07/2021 17:20

I remember sitting in a clinic and overhearing another woman say "They have told me it's a boy - what am I going to do with that." Now, I assume that baby is going to have bigger problems that its mum being disappointed by its sex, but I can also imagine that the majority of mums will love their babies once they are here, regardless of their sex.

Noterook · 08/07/2021 17:20

@gingerandproud4always

It seems to be very much a class thing round these parts.
How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.
aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 17:21

@ancientgran

I don't know why saying son or daughter would mean you would bond more than saying baby and what would you prepare differently? The only thing I can think of is so you can get lots of pink or blue stuff which didn't interest me, I liked everything in white for the early weeks.
Well from a very basic level, "he" or "she" is just more personal language than "it", it feels more natural. If you are genuinely unbothered by the sex then why would that reason not be enough to sway you?

People always seem to leap to a very judgemental conclusion that finding out the sex = heavily conforming to gender stereotypes.

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 17:22

We used both she and he.

Some folk thought they were clues but they weren’t.

GregoryFluff · 08/07/2021 17:24

We didn't find out and never had an intention to, but being 12 weeks pregnant when we went into the first lockdown, DH wasn't allowed to be at the 20 week scan anyway
Being there alone and being worried that I wouldn't have any support if anything was wrong totally outweighed any interest I would have had in finding out the sex
We didn't ask for DH to announce the sex at birth, but midwife encouraged him to and that was much nicer to me than finding out alone, especially after he'd been so secluded from the whole pregnancy medically, even when there were concerns at the end
As it was, we had no preference, especially after having struggled to conceive. We had a family sweep stake though and that was a bit of fun, but ultimately we wouldn't have prepared differently anyway
Most stuff was ordered online because of Covid, and we just thought well, spare room is fairly feminine from DN staying over regularly when younger, but my sister had boys so we'll get lots of hand me downs that way, there were pros and cons to either
As is, baby is nearly a year and still in a cot with us anyway. They can choose when they're older and go into their room if they want a different theme and it'll be more exciting to do then cause we already know our little one and their personality, them putting their own stamp on the nursery is better than anything I could have ever done before I knew them
But each to their own, think we were in the minority though, professionals were always shocked I didn't know sex

MrsMiddleMother · 08/07/2021 17:25

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you're right, there isn't anything wrong with finding out or waiting until birth

mistermagpie · 08/07/2021 17:28

I've had three children and never found out with any of them. Personally I didn't want to bond with the baby before it was born, which might be a bit of a controversial feeling but that was how I felt. I had seen so many friends lose babies through miscarriage and stillbirth, that I just never got comfortable with the idea that I was going to be taking a baby home until it was strapped into its car seat!

It was ridiculous really - I would have been devastated to lose a baby no matter whether I knew the sex or not, but I felt the way I felt and didn't want to know.

Not everyone is all consumed with picking names and what colour to paint the nursery, or having a 'surprise!' moment, people are complicated and have different reasons for doing things the way they do them.

toastfiend · 08/07/2021 17:28

I didn't have a preference on baby's sex (and I do find it a bit odd when people are absolutely set on a boy or a girl, given that it's not something you can control), and I wanted the surprise when the baby was born. When I was sweaty, tired, vomiting, pushing and generally massively over the whole birth giving thing, it was another thing (as well, of course, as actually meeting my baby!), that mentally helped me keep going, knowing I'd finally get to find out. I'm also not a fan of the whole gender reveal trend, so it was just never something that occurred to me to do.

DH got to tell me that DS was a boy, and that was a really lovely moment. I wouldn't have wanted to find out from a sonographer.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/07/2021 17:28

onlyhereforthecake

ah are you one of those parents whose boys go round being rowdy and pushing other kids and you say “boys will be boys”?! Parties for my kids were always a mix of boys and girls anyway, there wasn’t ever a boys only party until DS was about 15, when he had some lads round to play poker, which ended with some gentlemanly handshakes and trophies.

The noisiest and most rowdy party ever was DD’s 10th, with some wild screaming girls but I put that down the music and balloons which sends everyone into a frenzy.

DS had friends round for his 14th and they had a fun night and then ended up making puzzles from my childminder drawers Grin.

Maybe just maybe, not all boys are the same?

toastfiend · 08/07/2021 17:29

I also don't like really gendered clothing or room decor, so it wasn't really a concern for me on that front. There was lots of lovely unisex stuff that I preferred.

Parker231 · 08/07/2021 17:30

We didn’t find out - it didn’t matter whether it was a boy or girl. It was an additional surprise when they were born.

gingerandproud4always · 08/07/2021 17:30

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

SwimmingOnEggshells · 08/07/2021 17:31

I don't get the surprise reason, it's a 'surprise' when you find out at 20 weeks.

A find people who say 'we just wanted a surprise' tend to pair it with a smug smile.

Thumbcat · 08/07/2021 17:31

Knowing that I was so near to finding out if my baby was a boy or a girl was one of the things that kept me going through an agonising birth.

LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 17:31

This reply has been deleted

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aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 17:32

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

What are you on about? I can literally think of no way in which you should see those later things as linked to finding out at the scan?

Changechangychange · 08/07/2021 17:33

Those of you who didn’t know - did you close your eyes during the scans? Because it was extremely obvious that DS had a penis and scrotum. Particularly on later scans. I didn’t need telling by the sonographer, I could see it for myself.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 08/07/2021 17:33

I really just wished people said 'I wanted a surprise AT THE BIRTH'.

It's a surprise whenever you find out!

Elune · 08/07/2021 17:34

@gingerandproud4always

How on earth do you know who finds out or not? Or do you mean, those who decide to throw a reveal party, which is different to the sonographer saying.

Friends, family. Neighbours, school mums. The class thing isn't a criticism. There will be numerous exceptions but more often than not by 20 weeks when you know if someone is finding out or not you can also predict if they'll breastfeed, use dummies, use a sling/baby carrier, the list goes on...

What a gigantic steaming pile of turd.