Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
AbsolutelySure · 08/07/2021 16:33

I wanted the surprise

BrownRogerForever · 08/07/2021 16:34

I wanted to find out my baby's sex. I did feel it helped me bond with the pregnancy. Make the pregnancy seem more real. I had still birth twins previously and knowing that there was one baby and that the baby was a different sex, somehow made me feel better. That things may go differently this time as everything was starting from a different place.

I found pregnancy and birth not a miracle and lovely event, but something terrifying for months, all consuming and something to be endured in the hopes of a live baby. Which I got and I adore my child more than anything. All the pain was worth it.

I don't have a sex preference, but finding out the sex helped me view my pregnancy differently.

WeatherwaxOn · 08/07/2021 16:34

I didn't think it would make any difference in how to prepare as I'd still need to get a cot, pram and a selection of clothes.

Lilyofthevalleys · 08/07/2021 16:37

I didn’t find out with my first. Wanted not to sex stereotype so not finding out meant fun with bright jungle themed room and clothes. Ended up with a complicated pregnancy with clinical stresses at the scans, a healthy baby rather than the sex was our focus. Initially I had a planned section at 37 weeks (we didn’t get there) and finding out the sex at birth was one of the only choices I had.

I found out with my second. DS was adamant he was having a brother and I wanted time to set that straight of it was a girl. Also had used up our boys names so wanted to know if we had to keep think of names. Already had all the neutral baby clothes etc so was less worried about a deluge of blue or pink.

peaches35 · 08/07/2021 16:38

As others have said, finding out the sex in advance helped me enormously in terms of bonding with the baby before birth.

TheGoogleMum · 08/07/2021 16:39

Well ai felt the same before being pregnant. Then when I was I realised that actually a surprise could be fun. I had heard a friend not so many years ago was told at their scan they were expecting a girl, but then had a boy! It isnt wrong often, but I felt quite strongly I wanted to avoid a situation of thinking I was getting one sex than getting the other as I thought while emotions are high it might not be news I'd want. So going in knowing either was possible was best for me

Noterook · 08/07/2021 16:39

I wanted to know the biological sex just as I was curious. Genuinely didn't have a preference, didn't affect what we bought but it didn't seem like a big really.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 16:39

@LittleBlackCat22

I couldn’t bond with mine till I knew what they were and what they were going to be called. The one I’m pregnant with now, I needed to know as after 10 years of parenting girls I needed to prepare myself if it was a boy.
Why?

How are boy newborn babies different to girls?

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:40

Wanted not to sex stereotype so not finding out meant fun with bright jungle themed room and clothes.

See, I genuinely don't understand that. Knowing or not knowing is entirely up to you, but finding out never stopped me from having a neutral nursery and clothes?

Why would you not have a jungle room if you had preferred to know?

FrenchFancie · 08/07/2021 16:40

I didn’t want to find out - a close friend gave birth 6 months before me, had been told girl at the scan, bought so much pink stuff, named her baby etc etc. Delivered a boy. Total shocker and really alienated her from her baby for a few days. I know the risk was small but I didn’t want to take this risk of the same thing happening to me! (I’d have tried to avoid all the nauseating pink stuff in any event but still….)

Wrotten · 08/07/2021 16:40

I found out early with my first.

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and I've not found out. I do like the idea of it being a surprise at the end, but I also don't want people to ask if I'm disappointed if this baby turns out to be another boy (which I strongly suspect it is).

I'd love a girl but after what I'd been through this pregnancy, I just want a healthy baby. But I'm not sure I'll be able to express that calmly to anyone if they said anything.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 16:41

@onlyhereforthecake

Wanted not to sex stereotype so not finding out meant fun with bright jungle themed room and clothes.

See, I genuinely don't understand that. Knowing or not knowing is entirely up to you, but finding out never stopped me from having a neutral nursery and clothes?

Why would you not have a jungle room if you had preferred to know?

I think that poster meant they did a jingle theme because they didn't find out and so could have fun being neutral and colourful
aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 16:41

I understand when people say they actively want the surprise, but I struggle to understand the people who say because they just don't care. I don't understand why, if you aren't bothered, you wouldn't just find out at the earliest available point.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:41

How are boy newborn babies different to girls?

don't be disingenuous Hmm

Seren20 · 08/07/2021 16:41

Neither my husband or I are particularly bothered about knowing but I figure that it will be a nice surprise after going through labour!

Also finding out then rather than at a scan means there’s no chance of being disappointed and we avoid any family and friends’ gender stereotyping, at least until the baby’s actually here!

I’m not sure it would make me feel more prepared to know. Plenty to be getting on with anyway! We knew we’d paint the nursery yellow regardless and I’m not really keen on pink-rainbow-unicorn baby clothes anyway so I’d probably be buying neutrals or stuff that’s a bit more blue-y anyway.

I reckon the only down side is calling the bump “it” or “the baby” as using “they” as a pronoun just makes people think you’re having twins!

romdowa · 08/07/2021 16:41

I'm not finding out for a few reasons. 1. The main one is to give me a reason to keep pushing if I get absolutely exhausted. 2. I know a few people where the scan has been wrong. 3. My friend found out at 20 weeks , picked a name and from then on it was referred to as that name, by the time the baby was actually born , it didn't seem like a big deal because in most peoples mind the baby had been a proper person for ages and just didn't feel new. 4. I enjoy the guessing , people I met ask me if I know and when u tell them no, I then ask them what they think and their reasons for their guess really amuse me. All these old wives tales are brilliant and I think it makes people more excited to see who is right

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 16:42

@onlyhereforthecake

How are boy newborn babies different to girls?

don't be disingenuous Hmm

How is that disingenuous?

What's the difference in caring for a boy newborn than there is a girl newborn?

I have one of each and the experience and crap they needed was exactly the same

igelkott2021 · 08/07/2021 16:42

I didn't want to know what sex my baby was because it's about the last thing you can have a genuine surprise over.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:43

I think that poster meant they did a jingle theme because they didn't find out and so could have fun being neutral and colourful

but that's my point

why wouldn't you have fun being neutral and colourful,
even if you did know?

Jellyred · 08/07/2021 16:43

@Rhystior

For those who found out a birth, how long did the excitement of finding out the sex last before the excitement of having your child in your arms took over?
Couple of hours in the family whatsapp group.

We sent a broadcast to various friends.

Then I guess until everyone was told that baby had been born? Wider family and some older non-tech relatives found out when we called them so we kept getting to announce that billy was x.

Then work announcement I guess.

So the excitement lasted a while.

DdraigGoch · 08/07/2021 16:43

@SweetJasmine17
This might be an unpopular opinion but there's nothing wrong with Boys having blue and pink for girls etc.
Neither is there anything wrong with girls having blue. Or green, yellow, purple or any of the other colours. They're just colours.
Firstly for babies, it helps people identify their sex.
Does it matter?
But I also don't see what's wrong in doing up a princess room for a girl and vice versa

My DD loves Disney and all that. The important thing is she's allowed to choose any toys she wants- it's not forced. As long as you let them have the choice when their old enough to have a preference who cares? Not everything has to be about breaking gender norms and being revolutionary.
Something I have noticed about Disney Princesses is just how few of them wear pink:

Snow White: Blue/yellow
Cinderella: Pink briefly, later blue
Belle: Yellow
Aurora: Pink
Elsa: Blue
Anna: Magenta and blue
Rapunzel: Pink
Jasmine: Blue
Tiana: Blue or green
Charlotte La Bouff: Pink (that character represents the associations pink has for me)
Merida: Green
Ariel: Teal/purple, later blue
Her sisters are variously red/blue/yellow/pink/orange/purple
Mulan: green/yellow/blue, red when in the army
Pocohontas: cream
Moana: red

So it's a bit unfair to say that Disney Princesses are responsible for drowning our daughters in pink.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 16:44

@onlyhereforthecake oh I see! Good point!

I did jungle for both of mine, Mothercare was still going at the time and hey had brilliant stuff in, and their rooms were gorgeous. Even if I'd found out I'd have never done the whole pink/boy explosion because I don't really like either colour.

LittleBlackCat22 · 08/07/2021 16:44

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

They’re not that much different but he’s not going to be a newborn for ever is he…

Wearywithteens · 08/07/2021 16:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 16:47

@LittleBlackCat22 no but children are pretty much the same despite their sex, no matter what people tell you. It bullshit stereotypes that boys are more active/destructive etc when they're older and girls are lovely and serene.

I have one of each, DD (9) is tough as boots, plays football and dresses in all black, she wouldn't touch pink.

DS (5) is extremely sensitive and cautious, not that bothered about football but loves pink.

There's nothing to prepare for other than "one day they will have a personality".

Swipe left for the next trending thread