To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

Oh and wait until you try and organise yourself and a newborn to meet a friend somewhere, you would have a baby/toddler to manage as well, no easy feat I can tell you.

Having to organise to get two out the door is a whole new skill set that I can't imagine being anything but very challenging for a brand new mother.

Don't wait till you see her - whatever you manage to blurt out, faced with her in front of you, she'll just come straight back with an epic sad face and a 'But I've made plans now! Just this once...?' And then you'll be stuck.

Text her one of the v good suggestions (with NO 'maybe on occasion' offers bc she'll immediately try to cash one of those in) and be firm. Much easier to be firm by text than in person.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Hi friend-I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I couldn't figure out if you were serious or not when you seemed to be suggesting that I would do your childcare for you when you return to work. I understand that it’s really hard for you but in case you really meant it and are relying on me for childcare, I need to do you the favour of telling you that I simply can't do that at all. This is my first baby and I haven’t a clue about how that’s going to go or what you’re supposed to do! I will be taking the time to get to grips with parenthood and bonding with my own baby. I certainly can’t take on another baby at the same time as doing that; that would be too much stress for me. I just want to be your friend and wanted to make sure you knew that, to give you time to find a nursery or CM.

This is absolutely perfect 👌🏻

I would not wait until you are face to face. If you are this upset about it then face to face is not a good idea as you may not get the right words out when she confronts you and is trying to back you into a corner to agree to this madness. I would not offer babysitting on a Saturday night either. Don't offer anything - she has proven to be a CF so do not even give an inch.

Something like

Hi X, I assume you were just joking earlier when you mentioned wanting me to be a childminder for your DC but just on the off-chance you were serious, I am not interested in becoming a childminder on my days off. I will be spending those days with my DC. There are lots of nurseries and childminders in the area so I'm sure you'll find one that suits your needs.

@Pupstar241

Thanks for your responses.

I think I'll wait till I see her face to face in a couple of days and then I'll ask about what nurseries she's visited for her dc and if she has any recommendations as I know the waiting lists are huge so I plan on putting my name down once I give birth.
Hopefully that will then open the discussion of childcare and I'll say I'm thinking I'll probably go back full time and then say something PP suggested of "I'll probably be going back full time after doing our finances, but either way please don't make any plans relying on me for childcare because I'm anxious about taking care of the one, no chance I'll be doing two!" Then laugh lightheartedly and change topic?

Honestly, you don't need to fib - "going back full time" - or beat around the bush. It isn't clear what you mean and will give her reasons to challenge you and wear you down. It simply isn't healthy to speak like this - we've all known for a while it's important to set clear boundaries.

Don't bring it up first.

If she says "you'll do my childcare", say "Oh, no I won't. But good luck finding a nursery" or whatever. But be very clear. No. You. Will. Not. Any deviation from this phrase means she'll just keep whining at you.

You might lose her as a friend but so what - she isn't your friend. She just sees you as someone who can give her something for free.

"I understand that it’s really hard for you but in case you really meant it and are relying on me for childcare, I need to do you the favour of telling you that I simply can't do that at all. This is my first baby and I haven’t a clue about how that’s going to go or what you’re supposed to do! I will be taking the time to get to grips with parenthood and bonding with my own baby. I certainly can’t take on another baby at the same time as doing that; that would be too much stress for me."

See, I don't get why you need to waffle so much - I'd have long zoned out of this monologue and I wouldn't understand why the speaker needed to put themselves down so much. "I haven't a clue"? "I don't know what I'm supposed to do"? "I can't take it on because I just made myself sound weak and helpless"? "Too much stress for me"?

Nonono. You're strong and capable and will say strong, capable things. Not "I am a delicate weakling too simple and useless to take on your burdens." Besides, it sounds like you're fishing for compliments and making it all about you.

1. We do not need to diminish ourselves in order to say no.
2. We do not need to justify why we are saying no by blaming it on a lack of capability.
3. Can you honestly imagine a man saying no like this? Be tough!

Your plan is perfect OP. The power of mumsnet to organise your thoughts.

Say you are going back full-time after all (and who knows, you might have to for any number of reasons) and would like to visit nurseries together and then she will know she has to make her own plans.

You can't enjoy your newborn and have an uninvited one year old there. You will quickly resent your friend and her child! Just when you are wanting a quick nap while baby sleeps, the older child will be having a tantrum and / or trying to show your baby their toys by dropping them on his/her face. No really OP you can't do it during mat leave or on your days off from part time work.

I was in this position myself once with swapping childcare with a friend - I had both kids on a Wednesday, she on a Friday so we both got a day child-free. Our kids were toddlers though. Even so we fell out big time and never spoke again, (I didn't like her style of childcare) and I am not a person who falls out with anyone normally.
Let us know what happens.

I agree with the poster above who said not to waffle or put yourself down or use excuses. I think if you use an excuse of returning to work full-time you are setting an expectation that if you don't then you are available to mind her child. Honestly I'd be annoyed though at the presumption and would need to gently address that.

"Hi, I just wanted to clear something up in case I've misunderstood - you are not considering me for childcare are you?"

And if she pushes it I'd say you've given it some thought and although the money might be handy it's not the right route for you.

Just to be clear that IF you did childcare (which you're not) you would expect payment.

Definitely not. I'd already got childcare arrangements in place by 5months pregnant as we were expecting twins but you should not be put in a position where you have to decide because off what someone else wants, not what you want.
This will be your first baby and it is hard having twins of your own, let alone a new born and someone else's 13 month old at the same time. How could you possibly entertain a toddler and a newborn if the toddler was not yours and you aren't a childcare professional?
Just tell her that as a family you have not yet decided on what will be happening and she has to make her own arrangements.

OP you remind me of be about 10 years ago. I was worried about offending people, had very poor boundaries and hated confrontation.

Learn to set some boundaries now before you end up saying yes to everything or feel guilty by saying no.

Just take a minute to think about what's happened here. A so called close friend has been incredibly rude and presumptuous. She's disregarded any thought that you may want that time with your own baby and has selfishly only considered her needs. Not such a great friend. Is this friendship usually one sided? Start here. Then formulate an assertive response that you won't be doing her child care, you want that time for yourself. There is no need to make it 'friendly'

She's banking on you feeling awkward saying no

Nip this is in the bud now and send her a message today

Then take this opportunity to lay out what boundaries you are going to set with people in the future

Just to echo what others have said, if you make excuses like " I'm not planning part time" or " I'm not sure what my plans are yet" then people like this will always try and argue against that. Any slither of opportunity and CF will take it

Don't be wishy washy with a response or try and laugh it off, she may take it as a joke and not take you seriously.

Better to send a message today then when you see her tomorrow it'll all have been resolved and you won't need to discuss it face to face

If she does press you in person, just say " I don't want to" and leave it. A good friend won't try and pressure you in to a different answer

I agree not to make excuses as if you might be in the wrong for saying no, don't say something about you aren't sure about looking after your own baby let alone hers as well, even though that might well be true. The real reason is she is asking too much from a friend. I agree you should say it kindly and have some empathy for the difficult position she is in as a single mum but if she won't accept that this is too much to ask of someone she is not a good person to have as a friend, imagine what else she might ask of you in future.

@notthemum

Op. Please Do Not agree to this. As CliffsofMohair stated unless you are a qualified childminder this is totally illegal. You can point this out. There were a couple of police women who got into trouble for this a while ago. I used to childmind. When I started over 20 years ago if you were caught doing this the fine was £1k per person (you, her, and your dh as obviousely they would know) when I stopped a few years ago the fines had gone up to £10k per person. You could face prison if the judge wanted to make an example of you. It wouldn't matter if you had a teaching qualification, you would have to be registered as a childminder and have taken all the relevant courses that they have to do. Some are evenings, some are weekends oh and generally you have to pay for them. Please for all your sakes say No and don't let her try to guilt you into it or persuade you otherwise.

Yes when they turn up to check your tv license they also check your childcare arrangement.

@bloodyhell19

I'd wait and see if she raises it again then I'd say "Oh you were serious when you said that! God I thought you were joking, I wouldn't be taking on a second baby when I'm trying to get to grips with my own (haha), besides I haven't even decided what way I'll be working etc. So no, 'fraid I won't be doing childcare..."

But yes she is a CF and I would be reconsidering my friendship if a friend's first reaction is how the situation is going to benefit her.

This is what I’d say, I wouldn’t mention it until she does. Don’t mention offering to babysit at this stage either, that will happen naturally between friends if she needs someone but offering it now is committing yourself . By the time you have your baby her baby will be a year old and learning to walk, so more of a handful anyway so don’t agree to anything!

It’s outrageous your friend expected you to look after her baby as a permanent, free arrangement! But I wouldn’t be offering to have her baby overnight to soften the blow of not providing free childcare, either! Fine if you can help each other out with a bit of babysitting now and again, but in my experience these supposedly reciprocal arrangements can end up being quite one way.

One day the scales will drop from your eyes and you'll realise she isn't a friend, she's a CF, and you'll stop worrying about preserving the friendship by keeping her happy.

I think you need to nip it in the bud right now or it'll turn into, "I can't believe you changed your mind and let me down on childcare."

It needs to be addressed so there are no crossed wires and no 'expectations'. Awkward one to bring up I know but better to deal with it now before it turns into something else entirely.

@lazylump72.
I loved your reply. It was funny and fab and a great idea too.
@Wheelz46.
Yes the ladies were both police officers, so hopefully were pretty trustworthy, had paediatric first aid qualifications and obviously. had DBS certificates . I think probably such a fuss was made because of their jobs. OVienna.
The end of your post appears to have taken totally out of proportion what I meant/said.

Whether you agree/like it or not. Those are the rules.

Back in the day (once upon a time) people could practically do what they liked with their children and apparently used to leave their doors open.

However this was before the neighbours started to be more concerned about the children or decided to stick their noses into others business.
I am definitely not of the school of thought that says there should be no playdates or sleep overs.
However I was pointing out the legalities.

Am going to have a little nap now so will try and pop back later.

I wouldn't worry about how you're trying to worr it. You sound like a tolerant/nicer person and I suspect your friend is aware of this and knows you won't say anything about it.

But no. Don't look after her child. It's not your responsibility to care for her child.

Word it*

You need to tell her straight that you're not her free childcare. You will be spending time with your baby, not splitting it with hers.
The sooner you tell her the better.
She is a massive CF

Like many others, I think face-to-face is a terrible plan. There are SEVERAL lines in your OP that show confrontation may not be your strong suit. For example:
”What on Earth am I going to say?” Uh, “no”? “Maybe when hell freezes over”? “Are you on drugs or having a laugh”?
Also, ” Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?” So, you thought your options were avoidance or ruining your friendship. Either you really hate confrontation, or her personality is such, that honesty could ruin your friendship, and it explains why she has very few friends. Only you know which.

BUT based on her already saying something so cheeky, she seems capable of steamrolling right over you, if you meet face-to-face. What would you do if she yelled, or begged, or even cried? They can all be manipulation tactics, even crying. You are much better off doing this via text, and then just letting it blow over.

As Zammo used to say (from Grange Hill days) "Just Say NO"

Zammo didn’t say no-that was the problem and why he came to his sticky end!!