To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

Oh my goodness, so much entitlement from your friend here in just assuming you would happily childcare for her!

Even if it was jokingly said to test the water, it’s not nice for a friend to do that. You really do need to nip in the bud as quick as possible as previous people have said.

I’m on Mat leave later this year, with my first, and I would be so hurt if a friend presumed I would do all their childcare for them. As a one off emergency - absolutely no problem, that’s what friend are for but regular scheduled childcare is taking the p*ss.

I’ll be returning to work 4 days a week next year, and I’m already looking at nursery’s to cover my working days as it’s my responsibility to ensure I have the appropriate care in place.

I know a few posters said to add in ‘but I can bodysit now and again’ or similar, but I would advise against this. We often feel the need to soften the blow when saying no but anyone who is cheeky enough to suggest a new mum can provide free childcare has no boundaries. It would likely be more than an odd day and build up.

A firm no is needed and that’s it, end of discussion. (With a smile of course)

At least you’re completing the boss level childcare CF now, so you’ll find the school mums that get their diary out, to ‘slot you in’ to cover their work schedule childcare, over the holidays, a breeze.

I agree with @LuxOlente

Do not waffle.
Do not make excuses for yourself.
Do not tell her your lord and master put his foot down.
Be completely direct.
Do not feel obliged to let this CF down gently.
Be prepared to lose her as a friend.
Be happy that she has shown her true colours.

Tell her you are doing her the favour of letting her know immediately that you are not available for childcare, so that she can quickly make appropriate arrangements, on the offchance that she wasn't joking about the two days per week.

@LuxOlente

"I understand that it’s really hard for you but in case you really meant it and are relying on me for childcare, I need to do you the favour of telling you that I simply can't do that at all. This is my first baby and I haven’t a clue about how that’s going to go or what you’re supposed to do! I will be taking the time to get to grips with parenthood and bonding with my own baby. I certainly can’t take on another baby at the same time as doing that; that would be too much stress for me."

See, I don't get why you need to waffle so much - I'd have long zoned out of this monologue and I wouldn't understand why the speaker needed to put themselves down so much. "I haven't a clue"? "I don't know what I'm supposed to do"? "I can't take it on because I just made myself sound weak and helpless"? "Too much stress for me"?

Nonono. You're strong and capable and will say strong, capable things. Not "I am a delicate weakling too simple and useless to take on your burdens." Besides, it sounds like you're fishing for compliments and making it all about you.

1. We do not need to diminish ourselves in order to say no.
2. We do not need to justify why we are saying no by blaming it on a lack of capability.
3. Can you honestly imagine a man saying no like this? Be tough!

Very well said!!

'Dear friend... From our last conversation, it seems like you want me to look after your baby while I am at home with mine. That won't be the case. See you later.'
If she is a true friend she will take that on the chin and never bring it up again.
And you need to assert yourself and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of!!

@Iloveacurry

What would she have done if you weren’t on mat leave anyway? What was her plan for child care?

Perhaps find out somewhere how much childcare costs and tell her you'll do it for that amount, plus food. You need to offset your loss of earnings going part time. Perhaps try to present it in a gentle way to avoid confrontation.

The notion of 'wait for her to mention it again' is an avoidance of confrontation, disappointment, and 'friendship' fallout. Bad move. Very bad move. If you just 'hope it will go away', you may find her showing up with the tot on your doorstep before she heads off to work one day, with no other back up plan.

Her expectations (made clear in that comment) need to be addressed and the best way as others have suggested is in a short and clear and friendly but firm text. Face to face, this sort of manipulative and entitled person will annihilate your boundaries, which sound weak anyway. Don't let fear of her response lock you into years of providing free childcare. Nip it in the bud, asap.

@billy1966

Honestly OP, this is relationship ending CFery.

Do not be offering ANY childcare.

You have NO idea what is ahead of you with a new baby.

Why would you volunteer for any childcare.

She chose to have a baby.

This is 100% her issue.

If you in anyway involve yourself in her childcare arrangements you will totally fxxk up your own mat leave.

Say nothing if she brings it up again, laugh and tell her you never for a second thought she was serious.....

Why would ANYONE agree to childminding a friends baby having just had your own?

Totally crackers, and say so.

Be prepared for the relationship to end, but I think anyone who would think this is reasonable is no loss.

I agree... She's obviously got the hide of a rhinoceros... . I think unless you're massively direct with her now... I can see her rocking up and insisting you take her kid at zero notice as 'you're at home anyway'...

Makes me recall a vague acquaintance who once rang me up and asked me to look after her 4 kids... That I'd barely met... For 6 weeks... For no money... So she could go in a work course... In the middle of my uni finals... She was still insisting I was doing it until I was really brutal... " But I caaaant find other child care...." What am I going to do?? Wail wail.... She wasn't at all bothered that a) her kids wouldn't have recognised me b) the impact on my FINALS c) the fact she wanted to pay zero...
And the fact I'd bloody said NO!

I would just mention it again and if she decides to bring it up just laugh and say I'll be too tired to look after a new born let alone be responsible for another DC and leave it at that.

If she continues to ask then just say really I do not want the responsibity of looking after another child once I my baby is born. Life will be hard enough looking after my baby so can we lease drop this because it's not happening.

*I would just never mention it again

I obviously wouldn't do it and if she brings it up again say no you can't do it. Definitely don't say anything like "I can do the odd Saturday night" etc as she seems like the type to take a mile if you give an inch.

From her perspective she will know you haven't said yes so she'll probably bring it up again if she's really wanting you to do her childcare.

@Howshouldibehave

I’d text her now and say it won’t be happening. If she’s seriously expecting you to put your career on hold to juggle 2 babies to save her childcare costs-she’s for a thick enough skin that she can take the news. You aren’t a childminder and want to enjoy looking after your baby.

Tell her now before she makes plans around this new found ‘cash-release’ scheme she thinks you’re providing.

This ^

Do it sooner rather than later - don't wait for her to mention it ! She's said it once and you didn't contradict her, so she thinks it's a done deal. You need to tell her NO.

I'd send a text - Hi Friend, I think the other day you were saying that I could care for your child when I'm on mat leave. Sorry , you caught me unawares, I didn't realise what you'd said. I really can't care for another child when I'm at home with my first baby - it just wouldn't work for me to be responsible for your child as well as a newborn. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, but I really can't do that. Cheers, XYZ

WTAF! Surely she's not being serious. I have a circle of friends and we all help each other out of we can but it's a regular thing 🙈
Her child is her responsibility and your child is your responsibility, that's the end of it really.

we help each other out if we can and its NOT a regular thing

On the flip side be very clear op.. After a (lengthy I thought) conversation with my best friend we discussed either she came and worked for me or looked after ds while I worked - she had wanted to become a registered cm post divorce.. She was going to have ds, for maybe 3 afternoons a week.
At a party a few weeks before another friend asked her of she was looking forward to having ds.... She pleaded ignorance and claimed no arrangement had been made!! I never bothered confronting her as I didn't want our friendship to be affected and I made other plans. We were nc before ds was 1...she showed her true colours in other areas sadly.

This happened to me too but even more bizarrely the woman who asked me had only met me twice at a baby group. She wanted me to look after her baby while she worked and in return she'd do some evening babysitting if I wanted to go out. I muttered something about how I'm always out and about and couldn't commit to any arrangements. Unbelievable

I agree that you should tell her sooner rather than later. I can't believe she made that assumption without even asking.

Have you spoken with her since her comment was made @Pupstar241?

Not yet @LookItsMeAgain but I have plans to see her on the weekend so I am going to bring it up again then and be direct.

I think I will say something along the lines of 'hahaha no chance I'll be able to manage 2 babies, I'm worried enough about managing my own. Anyways who knows what will happen so please don't factor me into any childcare plans."

If she then continues or gets huffy ill say "do you honestly expect me to manage your toddler with my own baby when you yourself self always say how much hard work it is with your own baby?"

If she continues to push then end the conversation and message her later on laying it down in writing.

I've realised I'm prepared to loose the friendship over this as no one would expect this from someone else so I'm not being unreasonable or mean.

I'll update you once I've had the conversation. Thanks for all the replies. Mumsnet is great.

That’s crazy!! The gall of her

OP, you are not being unreasonable and you are not being mean, and no real friend would ask this of you - let alone volunteer you for this role in this manner. Or, as they say, you've been voluntold! Not even asked, just voluntold. Such people don't enjoy hearing no. Be prepared.

While it's good that you're more assured of yourself in what you're planning on saying to her, I still think having the conversation outside of the planned meet-up time over the weekend, just so it could be dealt with separately, would have been better overall. But everyone is different and deals with things differently.

Best of luck with it all when you do meet up.

I watched this happen in a new friendship. One woman was so absolutely desperate to be friends with the other one. She really threw herself at her. She agreed to have this woman's newborn whilst she went back to work, alongside her own two. I know it's absolutely none of my business and this was their own private arrangement, but I used to see her dropping off this baby every day and just really thought she was taking the piss. They really hadn't even known each other that long.

I haven’t RTFT but can’t you just laugh and say nice try?