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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour or myself BU?

333 replies

NeighbourWoes · 07/07/2021 19:50

We live in a building of flats which have communal gardens front and back. The back is much bigger and more for recreational use and the front is more of a flower bed type garden but still a decent size. To get to the back garden we have to walk around a street and use a key so it's not very convenient. Myself, DH and DS (2) live on the third floor and since lockdown we got into the habit of watering the flowers in the front garden. This was initiated by the communal gardener who got DS a watering can etc.

We do it probably 4 or 5 times a week, for 10 minutes a time. DS likes to fill up the watering can from the hose pipe and it's a sedate activity where we enjoy looking at the flowers but by no means make much noise or anything like that.

The hosepipe is directly by one of the ground floor flats windows. This ground floor flat doesn't have direct access to the communal garden but their window from the kitchen/ living room looks out directly onto it. This flat is occupied by a single older lady in her late 70s and we have always had a bit of a chat and been very friendly and she chats about DS etc.

This morning DS and I were in the garden for approximately 10 minutes just after 8am. We thought no more of it. This evening as we were coming in the neighbour came out of her flat very angry and exasperated and said that this morning was ridiculous because she was trying to have her breakfast and look out of her window and we were "right there". (I did notice this morning that she shut her curtains as we came into the garden.) She asked us to stop playing in that part of the garden but from the off was quite aggressive. I said I didn't ever realise this was an issue at all and she barked "I'm telling you right now it is!" She said it was ridiculous that we were so close to her window.

The issue is that's where the hosepipe is for filling up the watering can plus all the plant pots. Previously she has always come out and thanked DS for watering her pots saying it saved her a job so I have no idea where this came from.

I said to her that I was sorry she was upset but it's a communal space and she was very agitated. DH then arrived home and asked what the problem was and she was shrieking a bit and he told her "it won't happen again", but I'm annoyed as it's not her right to tell her we can't use that part of the garden.

I walked away and got quite emotional because all during lockdown I've struggled living in a third floor flat with no private garden and this is one thing DS looks forward to each day and asks to do, and this previously friendly neighbour suddenly became hostile and has spoilt that for him.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Roasteros · 07/07/2021 22:04

@EarringsandLipstick

And seriously, why are you saying myself?! It is not myself. It is me or I. It is almost never myself.

Seriously Fiddliest how rude are you? I looked at OP's post, I saw one 'myself' and regardless, imagine correcting someone's grammar or writing style that way. (FYI, in many parts of Ireland this is absolutely correct to use, maybe it wouldn't be written down, true, but spoken, absolutely and it's not regarded as any kind of mistake).

Got there before me! I was able to comprehend the original post perfectly, as I'm sure most PPs were, as they offered advice to the OP.
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2021 22:05

You shouldn’t be doing this until 10 am as you’re right in front of her Windows and it’s intrusive. You still haven’t acknowledged this point.

One day you will be a vulnerable old lady.

Clymene · 07/07/2021 22:09

She was probably short with you because she was embarrassed at being seen in her nightwear.

She expects you and welcomes you in the afternoons. Great! Go and do your watering in the afternoon. If you insist on doing it early morning, you're being rather unkind and unneighbourly

Hollywolly1 · 07/07/2021 22:31

Yanbu because it was 8am not 5am and a communal garden is for everyone's use,what if you needed fresh air and wanted to sit there @3am you should be able to.
When she moved to her ground floor flat she did so for that reason to have the garden but sorry she can't claim it for herself as its not hers.I think the problem here is no one uses the garden

Wearywithteens · 07/07/2021 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Hollywolly1 · 07/07/2021 22:33

Seriously some people mustn't surface til the afternoons,they must be riddled with bedmitesGrin

Blossomtoes · 07/07/2021 22:35

@Hollywolly1

Yanbu because it was 8am not 5am and a communal garden is for everyone's use,what if you needed fresh air and wanted to sit there *@3am* you should be able to. When she moved to her ground floor flat she did so for that reason to have the garden but sorry she can't claim it for herself as its not hers.I think the problem here is no one uses the garden
She’s not claiming the garden. She just doesn’t want people outside her windows at 8am. Everyone can coexist perfectly happily if OP takes her son to do his watering in the afternoon as he’s done previously.
TenShortStories · 07/07/2021 22:35

You want to nip the idea that you'll never do it again in the bud. Good neighbourly relations are very valuable so I'd send a note (and maybe some chocolates!) apologising for any distress caused, that it hadn't been intentional, and that as your husband said at the time, you'll make sure not to be at the tap by her window so early with your little boy again.

mylovelydd · 07/07/2021 22:35

@Wearywithteens

I feel sorry for this elderly person no matter how in the wrong she is. What vile ageism on here - calling this poor woman an ‘old trout’ or an ‘old bag’. I wish people would grow up and see the other point of view - she’s angry because she feels vulnerable and scared. Having strangers so close to her windows early in the morning. My big burly son was in a ground floor flat at uni and used to hate strangers walking past when he was in on his own.

The ‘You’re allowed so do what the fuck you like’ posters are just those general selfish arseholes who have no empathy or consideration for other people.

If you want a nice life and carry on doing it, its very simple - just do it later, keep communications friendly, be respectful, stay away from her space as much as possible. If it’s a communal space, you have the moral high ground but you don’t have to be a dick about it.

Absolutely this. YABU for watering pots outside an elderly lady's window at 8am.
tentotwelve · 07/07/2021 22:43

My ground-floor flat has a neighbours' garden right outside my living-room window.

Obviously they have every right to use it but on the few occasions that they do I feel I can't use that room. From the inside it feels really intrusive. Maybe you have to experience it from the inside to understand.

She shouldn't have been rude but at eight in the morning you upset her. Surely as she has been pleasant all the other times you can make allowances and keep away from her window first thing in the morning?

Hollywolly1 · 07/07/2021 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhoDidAndWhy · 07/07/2021 22:46

I have a large garden on a busy noisy road and I still don’t let my children out to play at 8am in case they bother the neighbours. At that time the only acceptable movement past her window is to walk down a path to enter or exit the building. It’s too early to be using the tap, watering plants, whispering quietly, anything, outside her window.

Just do it later in the say with minimum fuss and get over it. Don’t think about it again.

Viviennemary · 07/07/2021 22:48

I haven't read the full thread. But I think you were inconsiderate being outside her window at 8 am.

Looubylou · 07/07/2021 22:51

I would tell her you plan to continue but won't linger at her window and will stay away from breakfast time. I agree this change in presentation is strange and would wonder if it is the start of a mental health issue.

Clymene · 07/07/2021 23:13

@Looubylou

I would tell her you plan to continue but won't linger at her window and will stay away from breakfast time. I agree this change in presentation is strange and would wonder if it is the start of a mental health issue.
Really? You think someone being pissed off at people outside their kitchen window is the start of a mental health issue?

I think she's justifiably pissed off/a bit shocked to see people right outside her window when she's having breakfast.

It's a perfectly normal reaction. Unless you're ageist. You're not, are you? Hmm

Helptonight · 07/07/2021 23:19

I think she is being unreasonable in that she approached you aggressively, not warranted at all in my opinion. It's not as if you have had a prolonged issue, she has gone 0-60 which could be due to a number of factors (age/mental health etc...) she could have just said ' Hello there - would you mind doing this later on because XYZ....' Personally I would pop an a note through the door explaining that you didn't realise you had upset her and leave it at that. I would continue your activity preferably in the afternoon/eve as it seems doing it in morning may have been the trigger. Some elderly people (and people in general to be fair) get quite upset about being seen in their pjs/without a face on or are just not very nice first thing! We can't know what everyone's preference is but polite communication is the key, living in a block requires a bit of give and take on all sides and she does not have the monopoly on the garden. The only other suggestion I had is could you fill the watering can beforehand in your flat? Save you having to be too near her window? Not sure if that would be to heavy etc...Anyway, all the best!

frigglerock · 07/07/2021 23:28

Communal garden or not, it's still unpleasant to have someone right outside your window first thing in the morning. As so many have said, I'd continue watering, but do it later in the day. Not because you have to, but because it's a considerate compromise.

She shouldn't have been so aggressive about it, though, especially in front of your young son! There may be something else going on in her life that's causing her stress and putting her on edge, if she's usually friendly.

LizzieW1969 · 08/07/2021 00:02

I think the reason the OP isn’t willing to acknowledge any unreasonableness on her part is because of her neighbour’s aggression towards them. If she had approached her politely, she might have achieved a better result for herself (i.e. a better chance of not being disturbed so early in future).

I do agree that 8am is a bit too early, though, even if it’s a communal garden. If you were that claw to her window, you were being a bit intrusive. (It didn’t merit such hostility on your neighbour’s part, though.)

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 08/07/2021 00:02

I’m on the ground floor with a communal garden, and I’m not sure this would even register with me. That said, in your shoes I’d just stick to a little later in the day to keep the peace.

quizqueen · 08/07/2021 01:10

I think it's better to water plants in the early evening when it's not too warm.

CorianderBee · 08/07/2021 01:15

After 10am is fine. Before 10 I'm a bitch as well.

thinkingaboutitall · 08/07/2021 01:23

I think you are in the wrong on this occasion

8am is too early to hear toddler noise directly outside your window - like it or not 2 year olds are noisy; your own kids don’t irritate you, but will irritate others.

I think if you left it until the afternoon, you would have covered your back.

AlwaysLatte · 08/07/2021 01:25

She sounds like she might have dementia. Maybe take a watering can from home abs bypass the hose next time?

choli · 08/07/2021 01:26

@NeighbourWoes

Just to clarify today was the only morning we have ever done it we usually do it on an afternoon.
I think that is your answer. 8am is pretty inconsiderate.
TuckFrump · 08/07/2021 01:56

I don't think it's just that it's 8am (which most of us agree is much too early). I think it's now she feels you could pop up at any time - so she's completely lost any privacy in that room.

Maybe you can have a chat and come to an arrangement about when you'll do the watering, so she knows when it will be.

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