Was neighbour or myself BU?

[NeighbourWoes]

We live in a building of flats which have communal gardens front and back. The back is much bigger and more for recreational use and the front is more of a flower bed type garden but still a decent size. To get to the back garden we have to walk around a street and use a key so it's not very convenient. Myself, DH and DS (2) live on the third floor and since lockdown we got into the habit of watering the flowers in the front garden. This was initiated by the communal gardener who got DS a watering can etc.

We do it probably 4 or 5 times a week, for 10 minutes a time. DS likes to fill up the watering can from the hose pipe and it's a sedate activity where we enjoy looking at the flowers but by no means make much noise or anything like that.

The hosepipe is directly by one of the ground floor flats windows. This ground floor flat doesn't have direct access to the communal garden but their window from the kitchen/ living room looks out directly onto it. This flat is occupied by a single older lady in her late 70s and we have always had a bit of a chat and been very friendly and she chats about DS etc.

This morning DS and I were in the garden for approximately 10 minutes just after 8am. We thought no more of it. This evening as we were coming in the neighbour came out of her flat very angry and exasperated and said that this morning was ridiculous because she was trying to have her breakfast and look out of her window and we were "right there". (I did notice this morning that she shut her curtains as we came into the garden.) She asked us to stop playing in that part of the garden but from the off was quite aggressive. I said I didn't ever realise this was an issue at all and she barked "I'm telling you right now it is!" She said it was ridiculous that we were so close to her window.

The issue is that's where the hosepipe is for filling up the watering can plus all the plant pots. Previously she has always come out and thanked DS for watering her pots saying it saved her a job so I have no idea where this came from.

I said to her that I was sorry she was upset but it's a communal space and she was very agitated. DH then arrived home and asked what the problem was and she was shrieking a bit and he told her "it won't happen again", but I'm annoyed as it's not her right to tell her we can't use that part of the garden.

I walked away and got quite emotional because all during lockdown I've struggled living in a third floor flat with no private garden and this is one thing DS looks forward to each day and asks to do, and this previously friendly neighbour suddenly became hostile and has spoilt that for him.

Who is being unreasonable?

I’m not laying into the OP.

I just have a different opinion to you.

I think she was inconsiderate.

Last I looked I was allowed an opinion lizzie

Have I been rude? No.

But have it your way. Thread police have spoken.

Neenaw.

Thread police? Good grief

You are the same.

Pointless speculating.

What I think is immaterial.

Good grief indeed.

Oops forgot this

Because that makes it all ok eh?

Okayyyyyy….

No, doesn’t make it all okay that English is her second language, if the conclusion is that the OP was unreasonable. (I agree that 8am was too early.) But it might explain why she didn’t defend herself as robustly as one of the PPs said she would have done if she really was so sure she was right. I was answering that point only.

What I was asking was why are posters still lecturing an OP who is clearly not coming back anymore? And who they wouldn’t believe even if she did come back?

Have all those still attacking OP about the use of the garden at 8am not read the update where she says she spoke to the neighbour to try and compromise and the neighbour said she had been annoyed about it for ages and it wasn't just the morning? And that the neighbour didn't want the OP and her son there at any time?

If AIBU becomes a place where we speculate on what we think happened based on our own experiences and dismiss everything the OP says as lies or exaggeration then there's no point replying to anything ever!

People are just desperate to find a way to make the OP wrong when from what I read this is a set in her ways old woman who wants the garden to herself. The other residents are happy for the OP and her son to use the garden and in any case it's COMMUNAL(!)

Sometime older people can get a bit like this about younger people IMO - maybe the older woman thinks she deserves to be listened to and "respected" at all costs (bowed down to). I don't know if the fact English isn't OP's first language is relevant but if we are all going to speculate then I'll just have a go too - the old woman wants to act like it's her private garden and she doesn't like a foreign person anywhere near her. There!

@whereischiomunk agree entirely. Like the recent post where OP's mum invited a load of guests to a small dinner party then OP was unreasonable for inviting her own family to her husband's birthday to begin with, and buying the ingredients too early. It is amusing.

Also enjoyed on this one how @Fiddliestofsticks was incredibly rude about OP's grammar then - when put back in their box - decided on another line of attack which was nonsensical given the OP's updates.

I agree. The only part that was inconsiderate was going there at 8am. It was an isolated event! The OP herself accepted that it hadn’t been a good idea and said she would stick to the afternoons in future.

That should have been the end of the matter. It was the neighbour who then said that she didn’t want them in the front garden at all, an objection that is entirely unreasonable as the garden is communal.

Oh dear, we!re going round in circles now!!

I think you should just park across the drive

(Oh dear, wrong thread 😁)

@Mummyford

I really just don't see any of what most of the rest of you seem to be seeing?

I have never had the impression that OP planned to continue her activities at 8 in the morning, but rather am thinking she feels:

1. She did not deserve to be blindsided by someone screaming at her with no prior warning about something that could have been communicated pleasantly.

1. She pays to live in a flat with a communal garden and has as much right to be in it as anyone else.

Nowhere did I see her say she plans to continue with a particular behaviour (8am watering) she now understands to have upset someone.

Sorry, I think the neighbour is seriously bu

I think this, too.

But then, I live in terraced housing with a front "garden" that means people are less than a metre away from the window.

It's not if I can tell people not to stop and chat outside the window, which they do for some reason. We're across from a primary school, so somtimes lots of people.

I got pink nets. Problem solved.

*Mummyford

I really just don't see any of what most of the rest of you seem to be seeing?

I have never had the impression that OP planned to continue her activities at 8 in the morning, but rather am thinking she feels:

1. She did not deserve to be blindsided by someone screaming at her with no prior warning about something that could have been communicated pleasantly.

1. She pays to live in a flat with a communal garden and has as much right to be in it as anyone else.

Nowhere did I see her say she plans to continue with a particular behaviour (8am watering) she now understands to have upset someone.

Sorry, I think the neighbour is seriously bu

I think this, too.

But then, I live in terraced housing with a front "garden" that means people are less than a metre away from the window.

It's not if I can tell people not to stop and chat outside the window, which they do for some reason. We're across from a primary school, so somtimes lots of people.

I got pink nets. Problem solved.*

Agree with both of these posters!

@NeighbourWoes

Thanks *@Mummyford* yes I did feel blindsided, I thought she was coming out for a friendly chat, and her tone was that of someone who has begged someone to stop doing something for ages and has been ignored. Certainly not a polite first request.

I understand that there is etiquette required in communal areas although technically we aren't doing anything wrong. Plus she has uninterrupted enjoyment of the garden for probably 22 - 23 hours out of 24 (I am serious when I say we are there for 10 minutes) so is it any more unreasonable to ask her to close her curtains if she doesn't want to see people, than to ask people not to use the garden?

You say that this is the first time you've done it in the morning. Maybe she felt blindsided too, because she wasnt expecting to see you there when she'd just got up...? Yes she reacted badly and YANBU to be doing what you're doing..but maybe stick to a regular afternoon slot. Its jot only the time of the morning but the unexpectedness of it that probably caught her off guard and felt that she didnt have privacy. Maybe she had gotten used to your routine

Pressed post too soon..but you ate essentially suggesting she keep her curtains shut if she doesnt like it...but your 10mins could pop up at any given point so she should keep her curtains shut all day just in case? I would just stick to your afternoon slot to keep the peace

Oh wow..skim read the first few pages, not all before posting. My bad.

Have all those still attacking OP about the use of the garden at 8am not read the update where she says she spoke to the neighbour to try and compromise and the neighbour said she had been annoyed about it for ages and it wasn't just the morning? And that the neighbour didn't want the OP and her son there at any time?

But if you read all the posts about what the neighbour actually said, it is all about OP and her DS being "right there" in front of her living room/kitchen window (in a garden OP describes as being being a decent size) and that she wouldn't have allowed her children to get so close to someone's window. OP repeatedly says that the neighbour doesn't want them in that PART of the garden ie immediately in front of her window. Not the entire garden, ever. It was only when people were saying YABU she started saying the neighbour wanted to ban her from the garden, then she changed back.

The issue is that's where the hosepipe is for filling up the watering can plus all the plant pots.

So the OP and her son are spending 10 minutes 4/5 times a week standing right outside the window, presumably less than a metre away and facing into the room if the pots are under the window as OP describes. According to the OP's posts, the front garden is a decent size with flowerbeds and there are pots elsewhere, they could water those or the back garden but, no, it has to be pots by that neighbours window because she is entitled to do it. Although, as I said before, she probably isn't entitled to use the hosepipe or do anything with the plants in a communal garden.

Agreeing not to do it at 8am is hardly a compromise. A compromise would be not watering the same spot day under someone's window day in, day out, when it would cost OP nothing more than a few steps to water some different plants.

the neighbour doesn't want them in that PART of the garden
It's a communal garden. The neighbour doesn't get to dictate who/when.

It must be a very low window if the ops child is able to directly look in it!

Alternatively, of course, a compromise could also be that the neighbour, if she is so disturbed, spends 40-50 minutes per week either with her curtains drawn or in another part of her flat.

FFS, no, that isn't a compromise at all, that is the OP getting her own way entirely. A compromise is when BOTH parties make concessions. It is no inconvenience to water something else a few steps away. Hardly comparable with the inconvenience of having to hide in your bedroom or draw the curtains most days

It must be a very low window if the ops child is able to directly look in it!

I would rather imagine that the OP is slightly taller than 3 feet.

A compromise is when BOTH parties make concessions

That’s right - not ‘I would prefer you weren’t in this communal garden at all, there isn’t always give and take’, which is what the older woman said to the OP.

I would rather imagine that the OP is slightly taller than 3 feet

Michelle said the OP’s child (who is 3 and therefore may very well be three feet)

@MaMelon

I agree with you. But according to posters like @chesirecat99, that didn’t happen, as they don’t want the neighbour to be unreasonable. Never mind the fact that they don’t know her, so why are they so bothered about defending her?

Oh well, I’m signing off here personally. The OP has long gone, so we’re not going to find out any more anyway.

@NeighbourWoes

Just to clarify today was the only morning we have ever done it we usually do it on an afternoon.

There's your answer - you disrupted her morning routine. Lots of people like a bit of space in the morning.

Yep - but unfortunately when you decide to buy a flat with a communal garden you can’t dictate to others who also pay for that communal space what they can do during your morning routine (or afternoon or evening routine). Within reason obvs - loud parties at 3 in the morning right outside your bedroom window for example and you have a case.

Here’s hoping the neighbour has a nimble grandson who likes to climb ladders and very much enjoys (and feels entitled to) watering the plants from a height.

If someone were making my nan’s life uncomfortable in her own home, I’d be putting a ladder up to the 3rd floor and giving them a taste of their own medicine for only, say, maybe 50-70 minutes a week.

The ladder would be in the communal garden so no harm done eh?

chesire - you speak sense mate.

Explain exactly what you’d do there?

I’m absolutely fascinated.

Monthesocks

Still no explanation as to why the OP just doesn't do this in the back garden. I suspect it's just pure bloody mindedness