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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 07/07/2021 19:41

He's told you about his sister's planned abortion. Is she OK about that?

Husbandno5 · 07/07/2021 19:42

It was ‘technically’ your medical information to share, but it is an experience he went through also. IMO It is 100% not unreasonable to share an experience that he went through with whoever he chooses. It sounds like he was just trying to comfort his sister, which is a nice thing to do for his sis.
You did go through it, so I it would have been nice to ask you first but he probably had some emotional feeling about it too, which is completely his experience to share. You can’t tell him, he’s not allowed to share his experience with who he wants to. I feel like that’s quite controlling.
That said, I can understand why you are hurt.
I hope you feel better. Especially as he has apologised once he knew it upset, I do feel in this situation he hasn’t really knowingly done anything wrong, and I probably would do the same.

RedTitsMcGinty · 07/07/2021 19:43

YANBU. It’s your medical history, not his.

Cameleongirl · 07/07/2021 19:43

I’d be very upset too, but I agree with PP’s that he shared your experience with good intentions to comfort his sister.

That doesn’t make it OK and he definitely needed to apologize to you and learn from the mistake. As he has apologized, I’d accept his apology and make it clear that in future, your medical history is confidential. 💐

Tbh, I’ve had to have conversations with my DH about over-sharing with his family- it was financial information in our case so far less hurtful, but still none of his (nosy) siblings’ business.

Ghosttile · 07/07/2021 19:43

He had no right to tell her. If he wanted to talk about ‘his experience’ he could have said a former girlfriend had one.

I’m sorry he broke your trust and gave out such personal information about you.

TedMullins · 07/07/2021 19:44

I am a woman before you jump on me OP - and I’ve had an abortion too. If you made it very clear to him at the time that it was something you didn’t ever want him to tell anyone, then he is BU for breaking your trust, but he obviously told his sister with good intentions to help her feel less alone.

YANBU to feel however you feel about it, but I don’t think it’s a huge deal - as in, I think this can be overcome - because personally for me my abortion wasn’t a huge deal. I didn’t think I’d ever need one either but contraception failed so I did what I had to do. It was an inconvenience that I quite casually told people about and barely ever think about 7 years on. I accept yours and my experience of abortion are very different but it’s not a given that it’ll be a huge deal for everyone so perhaps as he wasn’t there with you at the clinic he didn’t realise quite how serious it was for you.

Livpool · 07/07/2021 19:45

Sorry OP I think YABU. It was an honest mistake with good intentions. He didn't do it to hurt you.

Of course you might be devastated and angry but I certainly don't think it's unforgivable.

RamItBunty · 07/07/2021 19:46

It is his experience too, one he can share without permission
He didn’t disclose sensitive medical info he made a factual statement about an event that pertained to him too. It is legitimately his to share

SunshineCake · 07/07/2021 19:49

Years ago I wrote an article for a magazine about an abortion being something men go through as well though obviously in a different way to the woman and it makes me a feel a bit sad that decades later some women still think the man doesn't have a say, a right to be affected, suffer consequences.

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 07/07/2021 19:49

OP
In your shoes, I would reach out to his sister. Explain how her news has triggered you somewhat, although you would be the last to judge you feel you ought to prewarn her that it has had a lasting effect on you, that if she needs a shoulder to cry on that you and her brother will be there for her but finally, could she please please keep it to herself as it was confidential to you.
Flowers

Ghosttile · 07/07/2021 19:49

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SunshineCake · 07/07/2021 19:51

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Summerleaves · 07/07/2021 19:53

women still think the man doesn't have a say

The man does not have a 'say'. The man should never have a 'say'.

They may be affected of course but they really don't suffer consequences in the way a woman does.

SunshineCake · 07/07/2021 19:55

@Summerleaves

women still think the man doesn't have a say

The man does not have a 'say'. The man should never have a 'say'.

They may be affected of course but they really don't suffer consequences in the way a woman does.

Obviously but I still think a man should be allowed to say he would like to have the baby. Everyone knows the woman has the final say.
RamItBunty · 07/07/2021 19:56

Man won’t suffer gynaecological conditions no.
He will however potentially suffer trauma,regret or a mood disorder

Dogsandbabies · 07/07/2021 19:56

I agree with the minority that YABU. I have had an abortion and as it was a joint decision and it was 'our' baby I would consider it acceptable to discuss with a family member/close friend.

StaffRepFeistyClub · 07/07/2021 19:56

Agree with @ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe that is a good thing to do. You don’t want this to be family chit-chat or something that can be raised when there is an argument

Itsprobablynotcominghome · 07/07/2021 19:58

@JoSummer

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

A) classic man B) who else has he told C) he is gaslighting you saying he doesn’t remember that he shouldn’t tel anyone this D) LTB
missymousey · 07/07/2021 19:59

@QuentinBunbury

I think YAB a bit U. He probably sees it as a joint decision and was trying to show her that lots of people have done the same as her so she shouldn't feel ashamed. I can see why you are upset if you see it as personal and something you don't talk about but I think its his story too and he wasn't gossiping.
I can definitely see this side, and I write as a woman who has had a termination and didn't tell a soul and has always felt it on my conscience a bit. If my sister needed to hear that she wasn't alone in this situation then I would tell her, and I think the same goes for your DH if he was part of the decision. That said I would also be upset by it in your situation.
Witchcraftandhokum · 07/07/2021 20:00

I think YABU, I agree with people saying it was his baby too and maybe feels like he needs to talk about it. However I feel like your reaction is coloured by unresolved issues about it. I felt absolutely nothing about mine and rarely give it a second thought, so that probably explains my reaction to your feelings.

anon12345678901 · 07/07/2021 20:01

I'm torn, I'm guessing he said it trying to comfort his sister, not gossiping, but I can understand why it upset you. Very few people know of my abortion and in a way, I'd like to be the one to tell people if I felt it right. Will his sister keep this quiet do you know? That would be my worry, it getting brought up to others (I'm not saying she would but it would be in the back of my mind).
I'm sorry it's made you feel so rubbish though Sad

SurferRona · 07/07/2021 20:01

Total bullshit that he ‘forgot’ he wasn’t supposed to tell. He’s a liar. Gaslighting. And frankly, why did he have to identify you at all? He could easily have said ‘a previous girlfriend’ and been able to share and comfort etc. I’d see this as a total betrayal and couldn’t get past it. Trust gone.

SurferRona · 07/07/2021 20:03

And definitely do as @ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe says. Your husband is not ‘D’, he’s a selfish self centred prick.

QueenBee52 · 07/07/2021 20:06

I would never forgive this... 🌸

User135792468 · 07/07/2021 20:08

Yabvu. Whilst it was your body, a man can still be affected by the decision of terminating a baby. It has been 10 years and he told his younger sister as she was getting upset and about to go through the same thing. If he’s told a random friend or work colleague then I would understand your viewpoint. You can’t blame him for the guilt you feel over a decision that you ultimately made. As you said, it was your call and your body. Your choice and not his but it was his baby too. He’s allowed to feel some way about it and it’s not yours to take away.