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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:
asprinklingofsugar · 07/07/2021 19:25

YABU

Blossomtoes · 07/07/2021 19:26

Awful situation to be in.

I wonder if this has hit you so hard because it’s been a secret for so long and this has brought back all the rawness and pain that’s been buried for a decade?

I’m not condoning what your husband did but I can see why he did it. He was doing his best to help his sister and it does help us if we know someone else has experience of the same situation.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you to process something so painful that you can’t bear to acknowledge, let alone discuss. Perhaps bringing it out into the open with someone skilled to help you might ease your quite obvious acute pain.

I feel desperately sorry for both of you. 💐

5zeds · 07/07/2021 19:26

I would be devastated by dh doing that. My mother shared something similar with my cousin and I found it terribly hard to get over. To be honest I don’t think I have, not least because she genuinely can’t see she did anything wrong and has forgotten about it.

MMMarmite · 07/07/2021 19:26

I think you're being unfair. It was part of his life experience too, even if it affected you more. He wasn't telling someone to gossip, he was confiding in his sister to help her. I'd find it pretty weird if I was trying to comfort a close relative about an experience, not to mention my own experience.

I'd accept his apology and leave it at that.

Anonymouslyposting · 07/07/2021 19:26

Also not a man to be clear.

Summerleaves · 07/07/2021 19:27

@UmamiMammy

Difficult situation but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It sounds as though you have unresolved issues around your termination.
I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. Lots of reasons a woman wouldn't want to broadcast this.

I don't go around telling people about my abortion but I have zero regrets or 'unresolved issues'.

AlternativePerspective · 07/07/2021 19:28

Interestingly we sometimes get threads on here where a woman has had a miscarriage and is upset that her DH appears not to be as upset as she is. And when that happens the DH is branded selfish and uncaring.

And while a miscarriage is obviously not the same as a termination, the outcome is the same. So if a DH has no right to be considered part of the loss of a termination, then surely a miscarriage isn’t a dh’s loss either and the woman should have to bear that alone?

PocketSize · 07/07/2021 19:28

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.
It was still his child
ivfgottwins · 07/07/2021 19:28

@JoSummer

To those saying you wouldn’t be able to forgive - do you mean you’d divorce/ leave over this? Or more that it would bother you forever? I haven’t felt this shaken by something for a long time. I don’t really know what to do.

Sorry but I think considering leaving him over this is a bit of a knee jerk reaction

It may not have been his body etc but it was his baby too and he also presumably played a part in the choice you made

Couchbettato · 07/07/2021 19:30

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.
Exactly. Not his fucking medical history either.

When he's the one having a D&C he can share it with whoever the fuck he likes.

Mrstamborineman · 07/07/2021 19:31

Yabu it was his life experience too. It was not gossip, or was empathy and support.

mam0918 · 07/07/2021 19:32

[quote JoSummer]@QuentinBunbury sorry but I have to ask if you’re a man? He tried to say it was his story to share too, but I disagree. An abortion is about a woman’s body and experience, not a man’s. He didn’t even come with me because the clinic didn’t allow men. He still has no idea how I felt. I know this is a separate issue to telling his sister, but it’s brought it all back.
If you’re not a man then I appreciate your viewpoint as I guess I need to realise that women could see it from the same POV as him.[/quote]
Was it his child?

I have never had an abortion but I have had a MMC which had to be induced (done the same way as an abortion only difference is baby died naturally before hand) and it very much is my DH journey too, its the only thing Ive seen him get upset and try not to cry over even all these years later.

Men have emotions linked to their children too, its NOT just a womans journey regardless of the fact it was my body.

Couchbettato · 07/07/2021 19:32

@AlternativePerspective

Interestingly we sometimes get threads on here where a woman has had a miscarriage and is upset that her DH appears not to be as upset as she is. And when that happens the DH is branded selfish and uncaring.

And while a miscarriage is obviously not the same as a termination, the outcome is the same. So if a DH has no right to be considered part of the loss of a termination, then surely a miscarriage isn’t a dh’s loss either and the woman should have to bear that alone?

It might be his loss but it's not his fucking medical history so no, regardless of miscarriage or abortion it gives him no such rights to disclose to any one.
PurpleRainDancer · 07/07/2021 19:32

@AlternativePerspective

Interestingly we sometimes get threads on here where a woman has had a miscarriage and is upset that her DH appears not to be as upset as she is. And when that happens the DH is branded selfish and uncaring.

And while a miscarriage is obviously not the same as a termination, the outcome is the same. So if a DH has no right to be considered part of the loss of a termination, then surely a miscarriage isn’t a dh’s loss either and the woman should have to bear that alone?

Give over Hmm
EloquentlyBrash · 07/07/2021 19:33

@Nohomemadecandles

It is his story too. Sorry. If it was his baby, it's his story too.

If he'd been telling randomers in the pub, I could be annoyed but not his own sister. Especially in the circumstances.

Agree with this.
LibertyMole · 07/07/2021 19:34

A miscarriage isn’t really the same because there isn’t a risk that a family member who is totally opposed to abortion is going to be devastated by hearing about it and blame the woman who had the abortion.

Happylittlethoughts · 07/07/2021 19:34

He chose to break a confidence.
He disclosed medical information that was not his.
Wasnt really about expressing his loss was it? It was about making his sister feel better. Unecessary.

Elune · 07/07/2021 19:36

I can understand why you're upset but can also understand his thought process behind why he did it, even though it was a bit of a poor decision. It hasn't come from a place of spite, but in trying to empathise and support his sister. Assuming there's no backstory and otherwise you are happy together and have a good relationship, I think I would let him know how hurt you are, but also give the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to do something helpful and just went about it the wrong way.

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2021 19:36

I can see both sides-i had an abortion early on in my and dh relationship aswell

i think he just wanted to help your sister maybe he thought she could confie in you or ask questions

hes obviously upset you but i dont think he meant any malice-maybe you can talk to her and help-or if not your dh could remind her not to repeat theinformation

MrMeSeeks · 07/07/2021 19:37

Sorry i agree with QuentinBunbury no, i’m NOT a man.
He was sharing something that happened to you too. Yes you went through it but it still happened to BOTH of you.
think it’s a little ott to never forgive their dp’s again.

MitheringSunday · 07/07/2021 19:38

@Blossomtoes

Awful situation to be in.

I wonder if this has hit you so hard because it’s been a secret for so long and this has brought back all the rawness and pain that’s been buried for a decade?

I’m not condoning what your husband did but I can see why he did it. He was doing his best to help his sister and it does help us if we know someone else has experience of the same situation.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you to process something so painful that you can’t bear to acknowledge, let alone discuss. Perhaps bringing it out into the open with someone skilled to help you might ease your quite obvious acute pain.

I feel desperately sorry for both of you. 💐

This is a very kind and wise post.
museumum · 07/07/2021 19:38

I know where you’re coming from OP. I too had one I’ve never told anyone but my bf at the time about (he was with me and fully part of the decision despite it being my body).
It was part of his life though. If he’s subsequently told his wife now I’m ok with that. Particularly if it was in relation to them making the same decision as a couple.
He’s not told just anyone, it’s his sister, probably the woman in his life that he’s closest too after you.
I do not think this automatically means “his whole family knows”. His sister is highly unlikely to treat the topic / knowledge lightly given her situation.

VeganCheesePlease · 07/07/2021 19:39

Yanbu. He could have spoken with you, said his sister is having an abortion and discussed whether or not you wanted to speak with her and give her someone to talk to about it. It would be your decision then to not say anything or to speak to her.
I had a miscarriage a few months back and I don't tell people. I told my mum and a close friend. Its my choice who knows and who doesn't. Same with this.

a1poshpaws · 07/07/2021 19:40

I cannot for a moment understand why some other posters consider this to be a relationship-shattering matter. I totally get how hurt you are, and that you feel your trust was betrayed, but everybody makes a whopper of a mistake sometime in their life, and in this case your husband was thinking so much of his sister's current pain that he forgot he was meant to keep your abortion a secret, in an effort to comfort and help her. He's apologised, presumably sincerely. Why on earth would you then hug your distress to you and not forgive him and move forward? I also suspect you may be worrying for nothing about his sister spreading the tale: unless she has form for being an insensitive big mouth, she'll see no reason to spread it around. In fact, all you need to do to be certain is ask your husband to impress on her what a booboo he made and get her to promise to keep it to herself. I hope you work it out and go on to have many wonderful, happy years with your husband. Flowers

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/07/2021 19:41

Your DH was supporting his sister which is fine but not at the expense of betraying your personal history. His apology is the least he can do.

Not sure there is anything he can do to make this better TBH. You have to figure out if it is a deal breaker. For me, I would forgive but never forget it and he would know this has damaged things - possibly forever.