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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the housewives of yesteryear would have thought of this....

282 replies

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 08:52

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Honestly, I find it really quite unbearable despite loving my family obviously. I wonder how housewives of previous generations would have coped? I reckon having their men home all day whilst they tried to cook and clean would have sent them potty!

OP posts:
1940s · 07/07/2021 13:33

I could never respect a man who would happily live his life not lifting a DJ her around the house and not wanting to bath and do bedtime routines occasionally with his children. I'd hate to think I was out of the house for any reason (seeing friends, hospital, work trip) and my husband wasn't capable to cook for his children or had never ever put them to bed. Absolute madness

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 13:37

[quote Comedycook]@TicTac80. I know that loads of women don't have a choice and im sure you're doing a great job. I commented in response to a very unpleasant comment from someone about how I was basically setting a terrible example to my kids and how sad it was that I didn't work and their dad doesn't do housework. Honestly, I do feel sorry for women who work full time and do everything at home...but not because I think they're awful people, but because I think it must be so bloody hard.[/quote]
The compassion, in full, complete with a list of things working mothers apparently don't do:

"I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean."

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 13:37

@1940s

I could never respect a man who would happily live his life not lifting a DJ her around the house and not wanting to bath and do bedtime routines occasionally with his children. I'd hate to think I was out of the house for any reason (seeing friends, hospital, work trip) and my husband wasn't capable to cook for his children or had never ever put them to bed. Absolute madness
He is perfectly capable and I have gone away for weekends and left the kids and he's coped absolutely fine. If I'm not working though and my dc aren't babies, I think it would be very unreasonable of me to expect him to do housework when I'm not working
OP posts:
BlijEi · 07/07/2021 13:38

My DH is thankfully in the home office 2 stories away so there isn't much bickering going on. However I can follow the trail of mess he makes through each room every day, like breadcrumbs...

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 13:38

@DrSbaitso. Trust me, it's not the mothers I'm judging. More the men who are happy for the mothers of their children to work full time and act the part of a 1950s housewife while exhausted

OP posts:
1940s · 07/07/2021 13:38

What's your excuse at the weekends OP that your husband does NOTHING in your house and has never put the children to bed / bathed them?

1940s · 07/07/2021 13:41

[quote Comedycook]@DrSbaitso. Trust me, it's not the mothers I'm judging. More the men who are happy for the mothers of their children to work full time and act the part of a 1950s housewife while exhausted[/quote]
I'm so baffled with your attitude here.

You have absolutely no excuse as to why your husband doesn't lift a finger. Yet you're angry at the 'lazy' working men married to working mothers who leave them to pick up the slack.

Firstly your husband could do some things At the weekend.

Secondly these 'lazy' men who do nothing have more than likely learned it from their own upbringing!! Your sons if you have them will expect this! They will find it alien to bath their children, to run hoover around, to be proactive and Chuck a wash load on if they see there one to do.

It's insane you are knocking these men yet are role modelling that behaviour

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 13:41

[quote Comedycook]@DrSbaitso. Trust me, it's not the mothers I'm judging. More the men who are happy for the mothers of their children to work full time and act the part of a 1950s housewife while exhausted[/quote]
Well then maybe you could have said something about the men in your nasty, ill-informed dig?

Or would that not sit well with your ideas about it being bad for men to be at home and liking men going out to work since time immemorial?

Come on, you can't have it both ways.

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2021 13:43

I really really don't understand this thread. If I was you OP, I'd get on with the chores and do them as quickly as possible so that I'd be left with hours to do what I like.

Unless it's what you used to do, but pretended to your OH that you were very busy all day with chores, so now you feel obliged to be on your feet the entire day and you resent him because you want to go back to your life of leisure.

ouchmyfeet · 07/07/2021 13:43

@whatswithtodaytoday

I'm not a SAHM, but since last March DP and I have both worked from home from the same dining table. I work four days, and on my day 'off' and weekends our toddler is home too.

I am almost never on my own. DP occasionally takes our child out on a Sunday morning (my lie in), but it's not long enough. On my days at home with our child we're stuck in just the living room rather than having the run of downstairs, because he's working and needs quiet (so we go out).

I am seriously tempted to book a weekend away ON MY OWN. I feel like I can't think sometimes, there are too many people around me.

This is me, we are both working from home full time and it is driving me CRAZY. I go out, he literally never goes anywhere. I'm NEVER in the house alone. I just need him to fuck off out somewhere occasionally for my own sanity
DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 13:44

I apologise, you did mention men "who don't lift a finger", but your solution was still how great it is to be a woman partnered to a man who does nothing at home either...and imply that working mothers don't cook or help with homework.

Pepsi9090 · 07/07/2021 13:46

@vivainsomnia

I really really don't understand this thread. If I was you OP, I'd get on with the chores and do them as quickly as possible so that I'd be left with hours to do what I like.

Unless it's what you used to do, but pretended to your OH that you were very busy all day with chores, so now you feel obliged to be on your feet the entire day and you resent him because you want to go back to your life of leisure.

This.

Harshly said, but true. What's so bad about having your DP home?

It's his house too, and seems to be the one paying for it all, give over OP.

MagicSummer · 07/07/2021 13:47

My DH has been wfh since the whole thing started, so since March 2020. I used to have my own daily routine and the freedom of the house all week. I do not like having him round the house all the time; he is terribly untidy, he is forever eating or making cups of tea and coffee, he makes a HUGE mess on both worktops when he makes a sandwich (I really don't know how he manages to make such a mess), he mumbles when he talks so I have to ask him to repeat everything he says, and lately he has started making puffing noises all the time! It is driving me nuts - I wish he would go back to the office.

RevolvingPivot · 07/07/2021 13:50

The op isn't complaining about being a SAHM.

She's fed up of doing that with her husband and kids around constantly.

It's not natural to be with anyone 24/7.

derailment · 07/07/2021 13:51

@Twickytwo

My husband retired two years before me (older). He had two years at home pottering and working out a pleasant retirement routine. Luckily, he didn't throw a strop after I retired and joined him at home. He knew it was my home as well.
Oh come on.

You cannot compare retirement with a sahm at home with two young children and a DH working from home. It's an entirely different scenario.

I'd be delighted to have DH at home if we were child free and neither of us had to work!

WallaceinAnderland · 07/07/2021 13:52

we have one kitchen but it's huge so if I want to clean the floor, I have to tell him so he doesn't wander in Grin

OP you are making him sound completely incompetent. How does he hold down a job.

sillysmiles · 07/07/2021 13:53

[quote Comedycook]@DrSbaitso. Trust me, it's not the mothers I'm judging. More the men who are happy for the mothers of their children to work full time and act the part of a 1950s housewife while exhausted[/quote]
Why are you judging anyone though?

You chose the set up that suited you. Others chose the set up best for them, either through need or want.

You came on for a moan about you DH being home all the time - so why don't you just go out for a few hours?

Youdiditanyway · 07/07/2021 13:55

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

About 15years ago DH had a job in a pub. The old fashioned local type. Suddenly an older man started coming in every afternoon, stayed about an hour with a pint and a newspaper or book. DH asked him one day why he did it... basically he had just retired and wife told him he had to go out for two hours every afternoon. Didn't care what he did, but she needed the space.

They both enjoyed their quiet time apparently!

My Grandad used to do this too. My Nan had enough of him making the place look messy when he retired so she’d kick him out and he’d go sit at the pub for an hour or two. She’d clean or garden then he’d return and all would be fine again Grin.

I feel your pain OP, I couldn’t stand it when DH WFH and homeschooling is one of the toughest things I’ve ever endured.

PollyPepper · 07/07/2021 14:00

I think you should get a job.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/07/2021 14:03

Can you imagine his post:

I can't bloody wait to get back to the office. My wife has been telling me for years how much work it is looking after the house and garden but since I've been home my eyes have been opened. There's barely anything for her to do as all she does is clean things that are already clean just to look 'busy'. She's been saying for years that she's going to redecorate but just doesn't have the time and can't possible paint a room now that I'm WFH in a different room

I can't have a private room for my office as she chucks all the toys in the playroom out of sight of the neighbours, she hovers round me when I'm making a sandwich to snatch at crumbs before they fall and she keeps bloody interrupting me to tell me she's mopping the kitchen floor.

It's clear she wants me gone so that she can go back to her leisurely days and I want to go back to work with people that are chilled and fun. Don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 14:43

@RevolvingPivot

The op isn't complaining about being a SAHM.

She's fed up of doing that with her husband and kids around constantly.

It's not natural to be with anyone 24/7.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel.
OP posts:
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 14:46

@DrSbaitso

I apologise, you did mention men "who don't lift a finger", but your solution was still how great it is to be a woman partnered to a man who does nothing at home either...and imply that working mothers don't cook or help with homework.
Nope...I'm talking about families where mum and dad both work full time yet mum does everything round the house. That is a far worse example to children imo than my set up
OP posts:
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 14:51

Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert. I find it actually painful to never be alone. It was awful in lockdown. I cannot bear people, whoever they are around me all the time

OP posts:
1940s · 07/07/2021 14:52

@Comedycook

Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert. I find it actually painful to never be alone. It was awful in lockdown. I cannot bear people, whoever they are around me all the time
Why can't he just work from a room upstairs. Even your bedroom at a push?
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 14:55

@1940s

What's your excuse at the weekends OP that your husband does NOTHING in your house and has never put the children to bed / bathed them?
He has put them to bed and bathed them very occasionally like when I'm out thanks. Just doesn't do it regularly....as for the weekend, I try to do chores during the 30hours free time I have during the week so at the weekends, we're not rushing round doing housework
OP posts: