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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what the housewives of yesteryear would have thought of this....

282 replies

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 08:52

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Honestly, I find it really quite unbearable despite loving my family obviously. I wonder how housewives of previous generations would have coped? I reckon having their men home all day whilst they tried to cook and clean would have sent them potty!

OP posts:

FloconDeNeige · 07/07/2021 12:47

I never understand this idea that some SAHMs seem to have about the rest of us being stressed out and exhausted. Unless you excel in being disorganised, it really isn’t true.

We work full-time in technical, demanding roles. We still manage to run our home and family life without major hassle or incident! Last week was the last for reception-aged DS and he had 3 days of different fancy dress (60s, superheroes and cocktail party). We read the letter several weeks prior and were prepared in good time, just like his classmate’s parents who also work FT. It really isn’t difficult!

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 12:48

[quote DrSbaitso]@CowsEatingAtNight, I didn't think you sounded smug at all (the worst thing on MN bar "attention seeking"!). Made perfect sense. I'm sure you and your husband work hard in all areas, but being time efficient and not overcomplicating things out of misplaced senses of virtue go a long way.

Also, you've hit on the thing that OP missed: that when you have a partner who pitches in with his share, you can indeed do all this around working. That's not to say there is anything wrong with preferring to stay home, but it doesn't have to be a choice between staying home or being ground down to nothing by working AND doing 100% house/child stuff. The third option is to hold men to account and expect them to do their share. But this involves a) not beating women with a stick if they work/don't work and b) not being wedded to any cobblers about "men aren't good at home, men go out to work since time immemorial".[/quote]
It's true that smug attention-seeking is the ultimate Mn sin. Whereas in fact I don't mind a bit of showboating as long as it's entertaining, and I'm more dubious about performative self-deprecation being equated to 'niceness'.

And yes, exactly, that is what I was trying to get across to the OP, who seems to think that if a woman chooses to work FT, she is also always saddled with all housework. I was just asking where she sees this, apart from the Mn Relationships forum (where it is a bit of a recurrent trope), because every mother I know works FT, and those married or in cohabiting relationships by definition share chores/childcare stuff with spouses or partners because their lives wouldn't otherwise be possible.

Definitely not all 'privileged' -- a lot of my friends work in the arts, so they have what you might charitably call 'portfolio careers' in which they combine working as a musician with teaching music/being a sound tech, or writing novels with teaching writing or doing arts admin etc. Not 9-5 scenarios, so it can only work with both being flexible and take up slack where necessary.

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 12:53

@Comedycook

Anyway, regardless of my lifestyle choices, I just thought was interesting from a generational point of view...no other generation apart from ours has probably ever been forced to spend so much time with their partners and kids

I don't know where you get that idea, you have absolutely no idea how people used to live have you.

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 12:54

Last week was the last for reception-aged DS and he had 3 days of different fancy dress (60s, superheroes and cocktail party).

I can't decide if this is unspeakably brilliant, or some school staff drinking at lunchtime and hitting 'Send to all reception parents' before they sobered up.

Especially the cocktail party fancy dress...

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 12:54

I never understand this idea that some SAHMs seem to have about the rest of us being stressed out and exhausted. Unless you excel in being disorganised, it really isn’t true.

Probably true for some, but on this thread it's the OP who is stressed out and depressed! Clearly being a SAHM is not working for her.

Original poster

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 12:56

I don't know where you get that idea, you have absolutely no idea how people used to live have you

I'm not saying life was easy. But I've always heard older women complain their husbands drove them mad when they retired and were at home all day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 12:56

Clearly being a SAHM is not working for her

It works just fine in normal times

OP posts:

Mamamamasaurus · 07/07/2021 12:58

@Comedycook

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Gin. In abundance. Also why many women didn't drive.

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 13:02

@Comedycook

I don't know where you get that idea, you have absolutely no idea how people used to live have you

I'm not saying life was easy. But I've always heard older women complain their husbands drove them mad when they retired and were at home all day.

but the concept of "working from home" or "living on your work place" is not exactly modern. The idea that every man used to go to the fields, the mines or the factory when wifey was cleaning and cooking is not realistic.

Of course SOME did.

adagio · 07/07/2021 13:08

@Aroundtheworldin80moves
Totally!
If we had an office each to work in and close the door on the rest of the house that would be fine!

Instead one of us is in the kitchen diner and one of us balanced in a bedroom. Washing machine has to be carefully timed to avoid spinning during a call for whoever is in the kitchen.

I’m part time (work 4 days a week) so on my day off i have to not do noisy stuff (hoovering, enthusiastic bathroom cleaning, moving furniture round to clean properly, singing loudly to crap radio while mopping floors etc) and if the kids are off too I have to shush them all the time.

It’s shit.

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2021 13:09

It takes me way more time than that. My house is quite big, not grand at all but there's lots to clean. I do the garden too and usually cook/bake from scratch
Quite big that it takes hours to clean but not big enough that oh has nowhere else to go but work in the living room and disturb you with your activities?

That doesn't make much sense and I suspect this is not the issue at all.

GetTaeFuck · 07/07/2021 13:10

My Grandmother was on a high dose of Diazepam, so high I find it difficult to believe it would be prescribed in that dose now. However, it was due to the sudden death of her 6 month old baby, there wasn’t much else available medication wise and the other types of support that exist today for bereaved parents didn’t exist then. It was very much a “hurry up and forget about him” attitude that she’s never forgot.

It took her 3 years to wean off them.

Justilou1 · 07/07/2021 13:11

A lot of them drank themselves into early graves (*gin was the cheapest alcohol to produce… sensing a theme here?) or were off their tits on laudanum if they could afford it.

Original poster

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 13:15

@vivainsomnia

It takes me way more time than that. My house is quite big, not grand at all but there's lots to clean. I do the garden too and usually cook/bake from scratch Quite big that it takes hours to clean but not big enough that oh has nowhere else to go but work in the living room and disturb you with your activities?

That doesn't make much sense and I suspect this is not the issue at all.

His desk is set up there, it always was...we have a playroom so I use that as a living room. Like most people, we have one kitchen but it's huge so if I want to clean the floor, I have to tell him so he doesn't wander in. I'll clean the bathroot, then he uses it. He's not really doing anything wrong and yeah obviously it's his house too. I just like my own space. I miss normal life

OP posts:

Abracadabra12345 · 07/07/2021 13:16

My husband is retired now and I’m semi retired and loved having the house to myself so I totally get it. Thankfully he does have friends and interests which makes for a much happier, engaged person - but it has to be said, he is mainly at home.

My current bugbear are the neighbours who now wfh. I love being in the garden and I feel I live with my next door neighbour. I hear his voice all day long on the phone or Zoom, booming out. Another generational difference!

Original poster

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 13:16

I used to have the radio on loudly on the middle floor so wherever I was in the house, I could hear it. I miss that too.

OP posts:

TicTac80 · 07/07/2021 13:16

@Comedycook

Honestly though I think it's a shame for children to witness it

Do you know something, I don't generally comment on other peoples life choices but after your unpleasant comment about me, I will. I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

Ouch. Some of us don't have a damned choice but to work FT, and put our kids in after-school clubs/wraparound care.

-lone parent of 2 DC, working FT, and juggling the housework, supervising homework etc. And already feeling crap that she's missed out so much on her kids growing up, because of having to work (no WFH for me. I'm an HCP working in a hospital).

^Having said that, I do get where you're coming from re: finding it easier to do the chores on your own. I'm teaching my kids to do the chores so that they'll be self-sufficient when older. My sympathies, it must be hard being cooped up with everyone like that, all under your feet.

claralara42 · 07/07/2021 13:20

I probably sound really old fashioned but I think being at home all day really is not good for lots of men

No. Or lots of women. Maybe you should get a job?

2bazookas · 07/07/2021 13:21

it barely takes 1 hour to do all the chores

In my teens/student years I had countless low-paid jobs in hotels, restaurants, hospitals, old folks homes and commercial kitchens where I was trained (and forced) to work very fast and very efficiently. In everything from scrubbing floors to waiting tables, washing dishes, bottoms, and laundry. I learned work skills for which I am eternally grateful because I transferred them, and that "I gotta sort this" mindset, to domestic life. These are the skills used by the lowest paid, least valued workers in our society.

It's basic efficiency,  time-management,  energy-pacing personnel/social skills . What beats me is when highly competent trained  professionals who deploy exactly those skills in their office/career, fail to transfer them to the running of their own home and family life. HOW COME  someone who manages  a hierarchy of  staff,  employs a lazy/dishonest cleaner/decorator at home and  can't  manage their kids and  the nanny?   How come a highly-educated  successful  businessperson  doesn't instinctively devise a management  system  for housework, family laundry,  checking schoolbags, changing the beds?

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 13:27

@Comedycook

I used to have the radio on loudly on the middle floor so wherever I was in the house, I could hear it. I miss that too.

🎻

1940s · 07/07/2021 13:28

1940s · 07/07/2021 13:30

I'm biting again I can't help it. You have a large house. A few floors. A playroom. Why hasn't your DH moved his desk into your bedroom (assuming there's no spare room that can be made an office) this is so ludicrous

Original poster

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 13:30

@TicTac80. I know that loads of women don't have a choice and im sure you're doing a great job. I commented in response to a very unpleasant comment from someone about how I was basically setting a terrible example to my kids and how sad it was that I didn't work and their dad doesn't do housework. Honestly, I do feel sorry for women who work full time and do everything at home...but not because I think they're awful people, but because I think it must be so bloody hard.

OP posts:

1940s · 07/07/2021 13:31

Nobody has said it's sad you don't work.

It's sad your children see a home in which your husband doesn't lift a finger and is completely incapable of cooking a meal or doing a chore. Him doing chores would 'irritate you'

1940s · 07/07/2021 13:32

And very very very few women work full time and have to do all the housework. Which has also been stated multiple times across this thread

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