To wonder what the housewives of yesteryear would have thought of this....

[Comedycook]

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Honestly, I find it really quite unbearable despite loving my family obviously. I wonder how housewives of previous generations would have coped? I reckon having their men home all day whilst they tried to cook and clean would have sent them potty!

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@Comedycook

Don’t know if you’re meant to be. But some of your replies are comedy genius. You’re brilliant![/quote]
Oh cheers

Maybe it depends on your family. I have dh and two dc...they are all really different personality types yet none are what you'd call relaxed or chilled out. I nearly had a breakdown in lockdown and my friend told me it was because I was trying to manage so many big personalities. I think she was right. The Only way I used to be able to cope was because I had alone time in the day to recharge...without that I'm screwed.

@Comedycook

I probably sound really old fashioned but I think being at home all day really is not good for lots of men. I know my dh prefers to be in the office...then he'd often go for drinks after work...so he'd be out from morning to midnight sometimes. I'd do my own thing, housework, cooking, deal with the kids and look forward to him getting home.

I think I might be a man! I too like to go to work, have a few drinks out and come home to a clean tidy house and fed and watered children.

What's genitals got to do with it? I'm not sure being at home all day is good for lots of women either!

God yes! I'm some who desperately needs time alone sometimes. My DH has been working at home since March 2020 and the kids seem to be around more than ever. It makes me feel run down and stressed. I was lucky that he took them away for half term so I had the house to myself for a week. I could feel all the tension leaving my body after a couple of days.

Slightly different but last year in the first lockdown we were all at home but not working (I was on maternity leave and my husbands boss didn't want him to go in incase I caught Covid off him) and obviously the kids were off school.
I absolutely loved it. It was boring at times as couldn't go anywhere but having that family time was great.
I was really depressed when my husband went back to work and the kids went back to school but it was different as neither of us were working.
Not sure how we'd have coped with WFH and trying to make sure the kids didn't interfere. The dinning room is separate so I suppose that could be used but I quite liked it.

I really envy the life my MIL and her MIL before her had sometimes. Yes, they were poor in modern terms, but all the women in the village supported each other and worked together to get things done. Best of all, there were periods of time when the men would bugger off into the hills with the sheep and stay there for a while. Imagine that!

MrCroft likes tradition, perhaps I should try to revive that one!

@Fairyliz

I don’t want to scare you, but just wait until your DH retires and is around the bloody house all day with no chance that he will be going back to the office in the future.

It’s driving me mad. I go out everyday but never ever get time on my own in the house. It seems most men become boring stay at home people when they retire.

There's a good reason for the numbers of women in their 70s and older who still have 'little' part time jobs when they don't need one out of financial necessity or do assorted clubs, societies and volunteering - to get them out and with people who aren't their husbands.

I was so bloody glad when the schools went back (despite being CV) each time lockdown ended because being stuck within the same 4 walls with DP and trying to wfh whilst he was on full pay for doing absolutely nothing was driving me to distraction. I'm still pissed off that he doesn't work late shift Thursdays and Saturdays anymore, as it was genuinely the only time I had the house to myself.

I am about to start a new job that's 4 days - all I can say is that he had better not be planning to engineer every Friday off as well. Because Fridays are going to be my day - I've worked bloody hard since I left college doing fulltime, ridiculous amounts of unpaid overtime and for the first time, I'm going to be earning more for one day less - as far as I'm concerned, I bloody deserve to be able to please myself and nobody else for one day a week.

The prospect of being together every moment of every day is exactly what Golf, the Rotarians and pubs opening at lunchtime in sleepy backwaters where the only punters are old men in caps and the occasional lost walker were invented to save us from.

Through an organisation I’m involved in I handle requests for council/housing association flats. It’s a real eye opener how many women of 65ish contact us to offer to give up a flat of 2, 3, 4+ bedrooms in exchange for 2 studies or 1 beds because their husband has just retired and is being clingy and needy and they want a divorce, it’s so, so common. Up until retirement they were happy!

@Comedycook

Honestly though I think it's a shame for children to witness it

Do you know something, I don't generally comment on other peoples life choices but after your unpleasant comment about me, I will. I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

I think I love you op.

The kids of yesteryear were told to go outside and come back at supper-time - not much worrying about paedos, life jackets, traffic etc.

If the husband of yesteryear worked from home, he probably lived above the shop - literally, or else was farmer, weaver, craftsman. If he did not work, he probably spent his time at the pub avoiding domestic responsibilities! Kids started work at early ages or helped at home if they were needed (ie to look after the other ones!).

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

About 15years ago DH had a job in a pub. The old fashioned local type. Suddenly an older man started coming in every afternoon, stayed about an hour with a pint and a newspaper or book. DH asked him one day why he did it... basically he had just retired and wife told him he had to go out for two hours every afternoon. Didn't care what he did, but she needed the space.

They both enjoyed their quiet time apparently!

I had a boss who always turned to the office at lunchtime, when questioned his answer was.... She married me for better or worse but not for lunch

@Comedycook

Anyway I think it's sad that it's now apparently so controversial for a woman not to work and stay at home

OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with you being a housewife but implying that mothers working full time are as bad as you choosing for your husband to be out of the house as much as possible (you mentioned even after work) is what people picked on. There are benefits to the family when a mother is home, there are different benefits when mothers work. Many children like clubs (mine goes once a week but begs for more days), many husbands do their share at home. Many parents have to both work. On other hand there is no benefit in uninvolved father but lifelong consequences for the children, yet you would choose that for your own convenience? I assume that's because you see role of the mother as important but father as someone who mainly just brings the money?

It's just sad. You might get defensive but if you post something like that on a forum you need to be prepared for responses and not everyone is going to agree with you.
Most mothers (working or not) want their partners to be as involved with children as possible.

I think it's normal to find being with partner at home 24/7 hard but I suppose it has been magnified in your case because you live such separate lives with completely separate roles. Almost like there is no use in him being home, he's just in your way.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

My nan was on diazepam. It wasn't unheard of in the UK.

There was a woman I knew in California - kind of nutty to begin with. She had her doctor admit her to a mental hospital for a month or so for a “rest.” When I saw her at some point afterwards, she told me how she had saved up several prescriptions of diazepam and carefully sewed them into the hem of the bathrobe she took with her. Yikes.

@Time40

A sense definitely makes the heart grow stronger.

DiSTANCE makes the heart grow stronger!!!

The version I've always heard is: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I think the first poster just missed the letter b when typing.

When you decorate a room you have to move furniture out of that room for starters so u have space to paint said room. I completely empathise. After the last 16mths of high volume use at home everything needs a refresh esp the floors but I literally can’t move the furniture out of said room whilst wfh as flat so small. Having someone's office in your shared space is a nightmare . My partner struggles to go for a loo break and even asked permission from his manager I mean who wants all that tension as a backdrop in your home. He is now back in the office but on overcrowded tubes again with transmission rising . He is also drinking heavily and gaming when not working to deal with the stress and often goes to bed wasted. I can’t get out of the house quick enough and Thank goodness its not as crowded on walks out. I started feeling like I had someone behind me or at my shoulder constantly. I think there are nuances to this people are not being aware of. Even going out to work for myself my boss is in crisis running own business and I think we are all a bit captive but trying to give the appearance of normality to the outside world. It’s a collective undertow of uncertainty and frozen plans for the future that are affecting us all in different ways. I am seeing a lot of stressed out people including local supermarket staff and family members who live alone who I provide support to. The mental strain of this is everywhere and the only refuge could be your home where u get to recalibrate your inner thoughts from the outside world well u can’t do that with work meetings in your shared space. Its like the outside world is in your home.

@Lili132 just to be clear I have no issue with working mums...I made that comment in response to a poster who said that my dc having a,sahm was a terrible shame and I was setting them a bad example. I have made a lot of financial sacrifices to be at home and try to do my best always to do the best for my family (like we all do). One of my dc has lots of medical appointments and sn when so it is actually easier to be home too. The poster made very nasty comments about my life choice.

Most mothers (working or not) want their partners to be as involved with children as possible.

As for this comment...I'm not so sure this is entirely true. My dh is a good dad, he puts them first, he'd do anything for them and loves them but actually I find day to day parenting easier when he's not around. I can do things my way which is the best way

Dh was already wfh pre covid, I am now wfh also, therefore we are both at home all day, literally no bother. Do not see the problem.

Now it has been confirmed that I will be going to only 2 days in the office once the offices open back up (possibly September) we are repurposing the spare bedroom to am office for me (with sofa bed for flexibility) as I don't want to be in the kitchen. It is not fair on others when they are in free time to have to tip toe in the kitchen and not fair to me having to concentrate. So doing it now before the summer hols.

But if someone who didn't work (eg no babies or pre-schoolers) was at home moaning that I was in the house working all the time when they wanted some time in an empty house, then they would have short shrift from me quite frankly.

If all dc are at school with no special needs and you don't work then you are a lady of leisure and not a house wife quite frankly.

[quote Comedycook]@Lili132 just to be clear I have no issue with working mums...I made that comment in response to a poster who said that my dc having a,sahm was a terrible shame and I was setting them a bad example. I have made a lot of financial sacrifices to be at home and try to do my best always to do the best for my family (like we all do). One of my dc has lots of medical appointments and sn when so it is actually easier to be home too. The poster made very nasty comments about my life choice.

Most mothers (working or not) want their partners to be as involved with children as possible.

As for this comment...I'm not so sure this is entirely true. My dh is a good dad, he puts them first, he'd do anything for them and loves them but actually I find day to day parenting easier when he's not around. I can do things my way which is the best way [/quote]
I find your insistence on ‘doing things your own way’, meaning without input from your husband — which you’ve talked about both in relation to the children and in relation to housework — quite odd and rather revealing. It sounds as if you’re very insistent on housework and the children being ‘your sphere’, despite the fact that he also lives in the house and is just as much the children’s parent.

When coupled with your marked preference for him being gone out of the house for 40 or 50 hours a week, apparently so that you can play the radio loudly, have alone time, and take breaks to watch tv and exercise without the pressure of ‘looking busy’ — you say you even feel the need to explain to your husband that you’re still busy if you sit down to sort your child’s school admin in case he thinks you’re lazing — it sounds to me as if you know perfectly well that the tasks involved in running a household with school age children really don’t merit one parent staying at home FT to do them, and are afraid this will become clear to your DH now that he WFH.

And that if he actually looked after the children more and did more cooking and cleaning, he’d realise it’s not a FT job.

the tasks involved in running a household with school age children really don’t merit one parent staying at home FT to do them, and are afraid this will become clear to your DH now that he WFH

Actually I disagree. Yes if we both worked, we'd manage but life would be considerably stressful. I actually will work at some point but whilst the actual tasks may not necessarily be all consuming, my presence is very much needed. My dc has lots of appointments. I have no family help really. No one who I could ask to pick up from school if I wasn't available...no one who could help with sick days. I'm sure if we both worked, we'd muddle through but I don't really want that.

I don't feel like this at all. During lockdowns we were all (me, dh, teenage dc) at home and it was nice! We all get on well. I don't really recognise the 'can't do chores because everyone's under your feet and making a mess' thing tbh. I can do chores perfectly easily when they're all here. And get the dc to help. They spend quite a lit of time in their rooms or hanging out with each other.

The problem seems to be getting time to yourself. I can completely relate to that. I don't recharge until I have has time to myself, hence spending all the years my kids were little looking and feeling like shit!

But time to yourself is a luxury, surely you can see that. Most housewives of yesteryear would have been too busy doing backbreaking chores for multiple children because of no contraception/washing machines/tumble driers (and in some cases, bathrooms) to have worried about someone else being in their tiny two roomed house.

I can completely relate to that. I don't recharge until I have has time to myself

Yes this is me. My family are wonderful and I adore them all...but they're hard work. Dh is a great guy but he's a big personality and extroverted. I actually love this and would hate a quiet, shy husband but it's tiring all day every day. Ds is like Kevin the teenager right now. My dd is a sweetie but has sn and it's not always easy. When they're all around I'm never truly relaxed. The downtime when they were at school and work really helped me. Now I feel permanently tense which is exhausting

Other people can be exhausting! Are you an introvert? I am and although I am sociable and enjoy the company of talkative extroverts it leaves me feeling shattered.

@MargaretFraggle

Other people can be exhausting! Are you an introvert? I am and although I am sociable and enjoy the company of talkative extroverts it leaves me feeling shattered.

Yes definitely and none of my family are the relaxed, chilled out types, everyone is opinionated and loud so it's absolutely exhausting!

I feel you OP. I honestly think it was easier back in the day. Yes we have all the modcons these days but I think they had the right idea. Children played out all day, came home for dinner and bed. Men out at work then quite often down the pub I loved Lockdown personally and having my DH home. But luckily he has a job where he cannot WFH, and that suits us much better lol as much as I love him and children it's not normal to be around them all constantly