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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the housewives of yesteryear would have thought of this....

282 replies

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 08:52

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Honestly, I find it really quite unbearable despite loving my family obviously. I wonder how housewives of previous generations would have coped? I reckon having their men home all day whilst they tried to cook and clean would have sent them potty!

OP posts:
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 16:06

@vivainsomnia

And yes I actually get little down time nowas I also feel the pressure to look busy...like you, my DH doesn't say that but I just feel that way Well here we go, it did come out in the end. You clearly have a very leisurely life, but don't like your husband to see how easy you have it compared to him.

After all, now that he sees how easy your life really is, he might start to think that maybe it's time for you to get a job and help support the family, and that would be your leisurely time gone!

No it's wasn't very leisurely...I was generally pretty busy but very occasionally I would take time out to exercise or read. Now I feel guilty for doing it at all. Sometimes I sit down to do school admin or stuff for one of my DC as they have sn and I need to organise stuff. If he sees me, I always feel like I have to tell him I'm busy...he looks at me like I'm mad
OP posts:
CharlieWorkCharlieSad · 07/07/2021 16:06

@Comedycook

And yes I actually get little down time nowas I also feel the pressure to look busy...like you, my DH doesn't say that but I just feel that way
I think the pressure to look busy stems from guilt. Otherwise you wouldn't bother trying to look busy! especially if your DH hasn't made a noise about it.

I will be child free at home from September. I'm not getting a job but i want to be as busy as possible.

Do you ever go out OP?

Lillyhatesjaz · 07/07/2021 16:09

I get the pressure to look busy too. Even though DH does not care what I do so the pressure is in my head. I have got an allotment so go there every day

BZoma · 07/07/2021 16:11

It’s not about who has a “leisurely life” viva. Firstly, it’s not a competition Confused. Secondly, my idea of “leisure” is very different to my husband’s. So yes, I may well appear to have a life of relative leisure in the weekdays. I would not deny that. But there are things he does that I would feel guilty about doing - ie. disappearing for days / weeks all over the U.K. or the world with various hobbies. But I don’t care about any of that because I feel I have a good deal overall. And he doesn’t mind me not working as it suits him and he feels like he has a good deal overall. If either of us resented the other, do you think we would have lived like this for 17 years? No we would not.

BZoma · 07/07/2021 16:17

Also I have 4 kids at home at the moment and an default parent for all emotional dramas, general issues, friends coming over, lifts, countless this and that and you name it. My kids are / were between 3 different schools as well. It’s a lot. I wouldn’t describe my life as perpetual tranquility, put it that way.

FloconDeNeige · 07/07/2021 16:34

Do some of you understand that for quite a lot of us, going to work is ‘our time’. It’s where I’m solely focused on MY work and by doing this, I am a better wife and mother. I prefer my ‘me time’ to be in a working environment rather than being alone in an empty house.

The bonus here is that when I AM home, I feel no guilt if I want to watch Netflix or go for a run!

FloconDeNeige · 07/07/2021 16:35

And my children have the benefit of playing with their friends away from me as their mother (in their professional childcare facilities!)

BZoma · 07/07/2021 16:40

Well I can understand that Flocon. Of course. You do you.

3totheright4totheleft · 07/07/2021 17:33

This has been a really interesting thread and I think some of your points are valid @Comedycook eg. parenting being much more intense these days. But if you feel this way now, how do you see retirement?

Persephoned · 07/07/2021 22:25

Of course there's plenty of women who would hate being home and men who like it,but overall I think there's more women who are fine with it.

This sort of thing is so stereotyped and stereotypes really are damaging to those who don’t fit into that mould. Would you really tell a son or daughter of yours ‘most women don’t do such and such’ or ‘most men prefer such and such’? Wouldn’t it be good for them to make their own choices without those expectations...

Just to think : ‘This is what suits me, this is what suits my dp, different things suit different people’....rather than ‘this is what suits me and I’m sure suits the majority of women too’.

I dunno OP, sounds as if you have a lovely life, and interesting to talk about partners wfh/sahm, just found the sweeping generalisations of what everyone does or doesn’t like alienating and unhelpful.

Notreallyhappy · 08/07/2021 17:43

It's a pain...mother's ruin is all the rage now...but I prefer the Russian stuuf

mumof2exhausted · 08/07/2021 18:24

Ha ha my husband says I’m mean as I keep asking him to go to office at lease one day as he’s driving me mad being at home. I’m on mat leave and it’s totally ruining it !!

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 18:36

My husband works from home and I home educated my two young children

I’ve got people around me all the time.

I think it’s a privilege. Lots of people say to me they don’t know how I do it. But I love it. It doesn’t bother me at all and thoroughly enjoy spending time with my most favourite people in the world. I’m biased. But my children are really lovely. Well behaved.

Of course they argue. Me and my husband argue. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 18:38

@Comedycook

I probably sound really old fashioned but I think being at home all day really is not good for lots of men. I know my dh prefers to be in the office...then he'd often go for drinks after work...so he'd be out from morning to midnight sometimes. I'd do my own thing, housework, cooking, deal with the kids and look forward to him getting home.
Oh. Got the wrong end of the stick

Ha. I thought you meant the kids. Not the husband 😂

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 18:43

@Comedycook

Don’t know if you’re meant to be. But some of your replies are comedy genius. You’re brilliant!

Chickychickydodah · 08/07/2021 18:46

They all had gin in their many cups of tea 🤣

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 18:47

@the80sweregreat

My dh retired and hated it , so he got a job! Only part time, but it's good he can get out for a few hours. He was never one to sit indoors , but it is good to have separate hobbies too as it can get tiring and fraught if your all stuck in together Harder with little children though , so you have my sympathies there op. All this working from home isn't always a good option for folk.
My dad was like that

He was a police officer and I don’t remember him in my life before the age of about 13. Purely because he worked so much.

He then got medically retired. Got a job. Didn’t take up his time. So got 2 more! He literally loved going out from 5am till 11pm to work

Weird man.

He’s now properly retired. But he’s never in the house. He plays golf. Plays grand master level bridge. (But if a big thing. But he’s one of the best in the country he lives in. Was one of the top players in the uk. Just wanted to brag about him. Sorry). He goes to the pub. You need anything. He gets it for you. Even in his 70’s. He can’t sit! I never know the man to sit!

Some people are just like that.

Brookes99 · 08/07/2021 18:48

Have you thought about getting a job and getting out of the house? It sounds like everything could function pretty well with you out of the house several times a week?

Brookes99 · 08/07/2021 18:55

@BZoma

It’s not about who has a “leisurely life” viva. Firstly, it’s not a competition Confused. Secondly, my idea of “leisure” is very different to my husband’s. So yes, I may well appear to have a life of relative leisure in the weekdays. I would not deny that. But there are things he does that I would feel guilty about doing - ie. disappearing for days / weeks all over the U.K. or the world with various hobbies. But I don’t care about any of that because I feel I have a good deal overall. And he doesn’t mind me not working as it suits him and he feels like he has a good deal overall. If either of us resented the other, do you think we would have lived like this for 17 years? No we would not.
My current partner's ex wife was a SAHM for 17 years and it nearly ran him into the ground trying to keep up with sole responsibility for finances. He eventually left, rather than jump off a bridge - so I don't think doing something for a significant amount of time means it's necessarily working, or that one partner doesn't secretly resent the other.
Lilly24 · 08/07/2021 18:58

And here I am upset that my boyfriend is going to be working an extra day a week... does it change when you have kids or something? Our first is due next month so I guess I'll see but I don't understand why you wouldn't want your partner home more at the moment 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Comedycook · 08/07/2021 18:58

@Lilly24

And here I am upset that my boyfriend is going to be working an extra day a week... does it change when you have kids or something? Our first is due next month so I guess I'll see but I don't understand why you wouldn't want your partner home more at the moment 🤷‍♀️
Short answer...yes!
OP posts:
Roxy69 · 08/07/2021 19:01

Get one of these new-fangled sheds and make it your haven from home, electricity in there too. Leave the chaos behind and install a lock. Goodness, you have to have some time to yourself.

Mrstamborineman · 08/07/2021 19:02

Yanbu - drives me batty. I frequently shout inwardly fuck off from under my feet.

RaindropsOnRosie · 08/07/2021 19:03

My husband has been working at home since Feb 2020- though he barely has any work to do he's still at home. We recently got our daughter and we're still adjusting to her being here but I love having him here. If we're fed up of each other or wanted some space we'd just have some quiet time apart or I'd go out for a bit. It's not a big deal unless you make it one. And if you're actually happy you cope well with it. Clearly, OP, you're not.

Auntienumber8 · 08/07/2021 19:03

I did used to worry about our retirement as I like time alone. It has been fine though and quite a relief, DH has been in to work about 12 single days since lockdown. Our DS is an adult though so that does make it much easier plus DH has turned the spare bedroom in to an office.