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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the housewives of yesteryear would have thought of this....

282 replies

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 08:52

I'm a sahm of school age DC so probably more of a housewife than anything else

Thanks to the pandemic, obviously dh is working from home. Ds is isolating. There's is permanently someone under my feet getting in my way when trying to do stuff.

Even during normal times, in school holidays for example, kids are constantly around as it's not the like the old days when they'd play out all day and come in for their tea.

Honestly, I find it really quite unbearable despite loving my family obviously. I wonder how housewives of previous generations would have coped? I reckon having their men home all day whilst they tried to cook and clean would have sent them potty!

OP posts:
endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:03

I knew the thread would fill up with’get a job’.

The problem is that when you have it you still somehow have no space or time to yourself.

the80sweregreat · 07/07/2021 11:04

My dh retired and hated it , so he got a job!
Only part time, but it's good he can get out for a few hours. He was never one to sit indoors , but it is good to have separate hobbies too as it can get tiring and fraught if your all stuck in together
Harder with little children though , so you have my sympathies there op.
All this working from home isn't always a good option for folk.

Twickytwo · 07/07/2021 11:04

I agree with @kindaclassy. My mother with a large family worked until her seventies then did childcare for grandkids. I remember her doctor telling her that work keeps people young. It is so much better for mental health for people to work. She didn't die until well into her nineties and with a very active brain.
I can't believe there are still women who maintain that the house is their sole domain and husbands have to go to work to provide. It's certainly not the pattern for most people. More women , including mothers, are working today than ever before in the UK
It shows that misogyny is alive and well on MN

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 11:04

@endofjune

I knew the thread would fill up with’get a job’.

The problem is that when you have it you still somehow have no space or time to yourself.

like the DH who is being told he's a nuisance in his own home you mean?
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:04

@1940s

He may not do chores but I'm assuming you don't count bath time / bed time routine as a chore? I'm assuming from 5/6pm once you (I presum) have cooked dinner then he is involved in his children? I also assume at weekends he will 'get involved' prepare food / make lunches etc? Maybe unload the dishwasher if he's the first one up?
Our children are older primary/early secondary. They don't need help with baths really but I always did that. I always do bedtime for the youngest too. Dh never cooks. He might take the kids out and if I specifically asked for help, he would do anything, but no, I don't expect him to work all week and pitch in with housework at weekends. It's an old fashioned set up, but I like it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:06

I can't believe there are still women who maintain that the house is their sole domain and husbands have to go to work to provide

Well I can't believe how many women on these boards work full time and still do all the housework and childcare

OP posts:
kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 11:06

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I notice o these threads theres a massive difference in opinion between those whose partner has to work in a communal area and those who have dedicated office space.
or maybe those of us who WFT too, and would not take it very well if our DH was telling us to fuck off to the office so he could watch daytime tv or other in peace!
1940s · 07/07/2021 11:09

You may like it which is fair enough.

Honestly though I think it's a shame for children to witness it. For a child never to hand a father who will bath then, settle them down and read a bed time story. Does he not want to do that? My husband (whilst I was a SAHM) would rush back to make bath time and enjoy precious time with them.

Also I'd hate for my children to know a family dynamic that never saw Dad run the hoover round, make dinner, unload dishwasher. Equally I'd hate them to never see me change the wheel in the bike or fix the internet when broken.

Very sad your husband wants so little to do with your children and you put those things into the 'chores / pitching in with housework'

endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:10

He isn’t a nuisance in his own home. He’s a nuisance working in his own home. There’s a huge difference.

I would fully expect him to find me a nuisance it I never left the house by the way.

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 11:13

@endofjune

He isn’t a nuisance in his own home. He’s a nuisance working in his own home. There’s a huge difference.

I would fully expect him to find me a nuisance it I never left the house by the way.

you don't even know if he is a nuisance Confused

If he has claimed the entire downstairs and no one else can access living room and kitchen, then yes, he is a nuisance.

If he just happens to work somewhere in the house, what the hell is the problem?

For his own sake, he should get out and exercise - or meet friends - 1 or 2 hours a day, but so should the OP anyway.

endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:13

I know mine is a bloody nuisance! Grin

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:15

Honestly though I think it's a shame for children to witness it

Do you know something, I don't generally comment on other peoples life choices but after your unpleasant comment about me, I will. I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

OP posts:
endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:16

But I do think what is so often missing from these threads is nuance and balance.

I am not exaggerating when I say in a working week my DP leaves the house twice on a good week. And that tends to be a brief forage in the car. That isn’t healthy, no matter how much he might like it. He had gained weight and he is just not moving enough.

But it is unfair on me. I am forced to the other extreme where I am rarely home and after six months of this including January and February with a newborn I am heartily sick or it and I want to chill out at home a couple of days a week. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I am struggling with the lack of personal space at home.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/07/2021 11:18

Nothing to do with daytime television.
Its about trying to get children to eat breakfast quietly during phone conferences, not being able to play downstairs after school but having to be in their bedrooms. Not being to have the radio on... because of phone conferences. About tiptoeing around your home phone. Paperwork and computers.

There is plus sides. Like him popping out to pick the kids up from school when I got stuck in traffic on the way home from supermarket. Lunch together. Knowing where he is when he's working to 9pm at night due to urgent requests.

We are lucky its only one day at week. But not in the school holidays...as he isn't allowed to work from home if the children aren't in school (unless isolating) due to the intrusion on family life and the disruption children cause.

kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 11:20

often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger.

agree, it's a shame, but thankfully most of us have DH who share chores.

It's not the working/ not working the issue, it's the martyr attitude about someone resenting their partner, and claiming the chores as their own, and pretending that women belong in the kitchen and men belong in the office - and even worst, pretending it's natural when it's only something that came with modern life.

Kids should be shown that there's more to life than a duster.

Mixmeup · 07/07/2021 11:20

Well exactly, women generally don't want their husbands around all day yet here we are forced to live like this

Gosh you’re not forced at all. You can get a job.

endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:22

The OP feels her being at home is best and the husband presumably agrees.

endofjune · 07/07/2021 11:23

And I’m back at work in six weeks (sob) so I’ll be out of the house from 7 in the morning until 430 in the evening. That’s great, I’ll get so much downtime won’t I Hmm

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:24

@kindaclassy

often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger.

agree, it's a shame, but thankfully most of us have DH who share chores.

It's not the working/ not working the issue, it's the martyr attitude about someone resenting their partner, and claiming the chores as their own, and pretending that women belong in the kitchen and men belong in the office - and even worst, pretending it's natural when it's only something that came with modern life.

Kids should be shown that there's more to life than a duster.

But I don't want to share chores. I prefer to do it myself. If I worked, we'd have to share but I prefer the house to be my domain.

Fwiw, he's a really good guy and doesn't really bother me much. I don't blame him for wfh, it's just the situation. He'd rather be in the office too. The fact is I'd feel this way whoever I was married to

OP posts:
kindaclassy · 07/07/2021 11:24

Its about trying to get children to eat breakfast quietly during phone conferences, not being able to play downstairs after school but having to be in their bedrooms. Not being to have the radio on... because of phone conferences. About tiptoeing around your home phone. Paperwork and computers.

again, no one disagrees that claiming the living area is unreasonable, even if you didn't have children frankly.

No one is tip toeing in my house when one or both of us are working. I just ask the kids not to shout that they need a poo poo in front of the door when someone is in a board meeting, but they really should learn not to do that anyway.

The only difference would be limiting playdates and friends visit and having them around most working hours.

Mixmeup · 07/07/2021 11:24

I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

It’s not one or the other though. DH and I are both able to flex our hours to pick up the kids from school (especially since Covid). They always have a parent to do homework with and a parent who cooks for them. We just share those things in the family. Plenty of families have working parents and share the housework and childcare.

1940s · 07/07/2021 11:25

@Comedycook

Honestly though I think it's a shame for children to witness it

Do you know something, I don't generally comment on other peoples life choices but after your unpleasant comment about me, I will. I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

Who says my children do that hahahaha.

I spend the vast majority of time at home. I do some work whilst my children are at school. We have a wonderful cleaner and my children have two brilliant hands on parents who love to bath, read stories, cook dinner for us all. It's wonderful. My children have no notions of 'mummy cleans and daddy doesn't do anything' and I'm sure as they progress into adult lives and live with either friends or partners they will absolutely be fully educated and up to speed that 'daddy's work then don't life a finger or help with any childcare' I'm sure they're partners will be grateful and my own children will be grateful to be able to provide that level of respect and help in their relationships, which is imagine will help their relationship thrive.

To note. My husband also came from a progressive home and he saw the household chores split equally and fairly as time allowed. His Dad was chief ironer and mum was chief hooverer. I'm so glad he was bought up like this

1940s · 07/07/2021 11:27

Oh and OP, your complaint about the 'Dads at hone who still won't lift a bloody finger' are nearly always raised in home environments like you're creating and copying what they've always known.

One day someone may be commenting on your son in a forum just like this and blaming their MIL and FIL for the terrible example that's been set

Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:29

@1940s

Well done for being a much better parent than me

Oh and I was also brought up a dad who did loads of housework and cooking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 11:32

@Mixmeup

I secretly think it's a shame when I see children walking home from after school club at 6.30pm with an exhausted mum who's been working full time, and often a dad at home who will still not lift a finger. So no, I do not think it's a shame my dc have a mum at home who greets them when they get home, sits and does their homework with them, has already made dinner and the house is clean.

It’s not one or the other though. DH and I are both able to flex our hours to pick up the kids from school (especially since Covid). They always have a parent to do homework with and a parent who cooks for them. We just share those things in the family. Plenty of families have working parents and share the housework and childcare.

Well you're talking from a middle class privileged position. Lots of lower paid jobs don't allow for much flexibility so women and kids are stuck in a child care nightmare of stress and exhaustion
OP posts:
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