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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 06/07/2021 23:14

Let it go.

PragmaticWench · 06/07/2021 23:16

Okay, you've been seriously hurt before...but give the guy a break!

PragmaticWench · 06/07/2021 23:17

He said "tell me what happened". That's good. He's asking and communicating.

spotcheck · 06/07/2021 23:18

Yep, let it go.

Six month reviews are a tedious box ticking HR , generated exercise. I'd expect to talk about it at the end of the day, but certainly wouldn't be upset if someone didn't remember during the day.

How2Help · 06/07/2021 23:20

You aren’t being unreasonable, I’d be upset at that and it is inconsiderate. I wouldn’t necessarily say a red flag.

But is he generally positive and supportive? Does this feel a blip? Or is this confirming a worry you had?

IcyPenguin101 · 06/07/2021 23:20

It may just be that he was distracted and forgot? I know I do this with friends or bf or get the wrong day when asking how was an appointment/family member/mutual friend etc was (early it days later). If it’s just this one time, let it go. If it turns out to be a constant theme then you can be annoyed. Well done on passing probation btw

WTF99 · 06/07/2021 23:21

Would have been nice if he could have been selfless on this occasion.
I'd keep an eye on this behaviour......

LawnFever · 06/07/2021 23:21

It’s really not a big deal he forgot, nothing to cause a drama about whatsoever.

grapewine · 06/07/2021 23:23

Genuinely a non issue. He asked.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/07/2021 23:25

Think it's good that his reply to your sarcastic....thanks for asking ..was tell me what happened. Sounds like a nice relaxed reply rather than getting defensive or going on the attack. Sounds like a nice guy.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 06/07/2021 23:28

Definitely let it go. He sounds lovely. I've lived with DP for 16 years and sometimes it takes me days to notice he had a hair cut. Not because I don't care but because I just don't see it.

DismantledKing · 06/07/2021 23:29

@WTF99

Would have been nice if he could have been selfless on this occasion. I'd keep an eye on this behaviour......

What ‘behaviour’? For fuck’s sake.

JovialNickname · 06/07/2021 23:29

In the nicest possible way, you're being nuts!

Don't go too far the other way and over analyse to the extent that you make problems where there aren't any x

HunkyPunk · 06/07/2021 23:33

I'm afraid you're sounding quite needy, op. Probably as a reaction to your previous experiences, but don't let your (quite rightly) raised expectations of how you should be treated in a relationship get so unrealistically high that you ruin this one. We all forget things. You reminded him (rather pointedly - that would have pissed me off!) and he immediately asked you how it went. That's fine. Really.

Leeds2 · 06/07/2021 23:33

Complete non issue, to me at least.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 06/07/2021 23:34

Yabu OP. Don't let your past ruin your future.

Something like this would slip my mind if I was distracted. Especially if I needed to get stuff done on the Internet and it had cocked up.

Give him a break. And also, there was no need for the passive aggressive message you sent. You could have just said you had your probation meeting and it went well.

MzHz · 06/07/2021 23:39

With the experience I’ve had, I’d not call it a red flag, but I’d definitely lodge it as an Amber.

Observe and pay attention

As my therapist said to me “he doesn’t have to be abusive for you to end it”

I remember him saying this over and over before I got it!

God he had the patience of a Saint :)

We’re here for you. Let us know if you need to sound anything out.

Pregnantpeppa · 06/07/2021 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/07/2021 23:42

Complete non event.

MzHz · 06/07/2021 23:42

All the ffs stuff, I know you mean we’ll, but @overthinker121 is right to ask. When we have one abusive relationship, it’s more likely to have another

unless you do therapy and lots of work to fix the vulnerabilities you hAve, have toe in water type relationships where you relearn how things are done

It may be she is overthinking things but it hurts nobody to just pay attention and be cautious

user1473878824 · 06/07/2021 23:45

In the nicest possible way, you’re asking for red flags about him. I’d say a massive red flag was someone being hugely passive aggressive when you didn’t remember something not really hugely important and then used it as a bench mark. Give him a break.

Zebraaa · 06/07/2021 23:51

This is such a tiny insignificant thing that I hope he decides you’re too hard work and walks away first.

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 23:52

In every place I know, probation reviews are a complete formality. If you didn't pass, you'd have known or already be gone. I am sure it's not the case everywhere, but it's not something I would think about.

Really not sure where you got that he "made it all about himself"

Zealois · 06/07/2021 23:53

I wouldn't worry unless it becomes a pattern. Really easy to forget something like this. It was a bit part of your day but just another day on autopilot for him, y'know?

I was talking to a friend the other day and completely forgot to ask her about something very important until the conversation had already ended, even though we'd just been talkng about it the night before and I'd even thought about it that morning. People get distracted.

Divebar2021 · 06/07/2021 23:57

Finding drama where none is to be had. Why did you have to be sarcastic?

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