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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 07/07/2021 00:00

Poor guy. Paying for the behaviour of the ex.

You’ve only been together a few months. Its going to be a stressful and tense future if you don’t stop judging him on your past that he is no part of.

He straight away responded positively to you when mentioned. I’d be focused on that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 00:03

@user1473878824

In the nicest possible way, you’re asking for red flags about him. I’d say a massive red flag was someone being hugely passive aggressive when you didn’t remember something not really hugely important and then used it as a bench mark. Give him a break.

I absolutely agree, I think it's more worrying to be passive aggressive about something like this than to forget but then be genuinely interested to know how it went once reminded.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 07/07/2021 00:04

Don’t go looking for drama OP.

It will find you easy enough if it is to be had.

NiceGerbil · 07/07/2021 00:05

I would let that go.

Mainly on the basis that I don't remember stuff very well, and when you prompted he said great etc.

Making it about him is again something not uncommon. There wasn't much else for him to say really after well done, really.

And if he's feeling sorry for himself that's normal too.

As long as he doesn't always do that, then it's not s big deal i don't think.

RavingAnnie · 07/07/2021 00:05

That's a perfectly normal interaction. People forget about things. It's a probation review not anything massively important. When you reminded him he asked you about it and then made a jokey comment about his manager. All fine.

Me and my husband forget about stuff to do with each other constantly. I have ADHD and am perimenopausal and I currently can't seem to keep anything at all in my head from one minute to the next. He does a stressful job and is a sievehead about certain things when he is thinking or worrying about something else. We've both forgot very important things temporarily. It's really not a "red flag". Give the guy a break, he sounds lovely.

Lalliella · 07/07/2021 00:07

Let it go.

Your judgement is maybe a bit skewed from your previous relationship and you’re being over-protective to yourself. You might find yourself watching for him to slip up so you can prove yourself right. Please don’t. Not all men are the same. Give this one a chance, he sounds great.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2021 00:08

I'd let it go. And I have quite high expectations on support from a partner but...I am also human and forget things, even things that are important to me!

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 07/07/2021 00:08

Yes you are over thinking. Please don't let hour past relationship ruin your current one.

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 07/07/2021 00:09

*your

FijiCavanaugh · 07/07/2021 00:10

Completely normal. Generally with stuff like that, I would avoid asking a newish bf unless they brought it up first since these things can be sensitive and some people like privacy.

ilovesooty · 07/07/2021 00:11

To be honest I think he was very nice in response to your passive aggressive comment.
I don't see why you're making a big deal of this.

pegboardsu · 07/07/2021 00:19

@ilovesooty

To be honest I think he was very nice in response to your passive aggressive comment. I don't see why you're making a big deal of this.

This!

You sound like very hard work TBH

Whyo · 07/07/2021 00:22

His behaviour tells you about him - you gave him a sarcastic reply, he reflected and didn’t react. I think that’s a pretty good sign!

As pp said 6 month reviews are a bit of a non-issue.

saraclara · 07/07/2021 00:22

Something like this would slip my mind if I was distracted.

100% that. I forget stuff all the time, and it's not until the end of the day, when things have calmed down, that my mind has time to reflect on things like this. Jeeze, I even came home from work one day having totally forgotten that my daughter had her driving test that day. I'd been home ten minutes when she gave up and said "I passed by the way"

GintyMcGinty · 07/07/2021 00:25

I mean this nicely but - grow up.

TedMullins · 07/07/2021 00:25

I wouldn’t remember someone’s probation review, it’s a complete non event. You’d have to be supremely shit not to pass it. You’re being silly

Summerfun54321 · 07/07/2021 00:31

Only three months in and you’re already sending him sarcastic comments because he doesn’t instantly ask about a meeting of yours that may have slipped his mind AND posting about it on an internet forum. If you wanted to talk to him about it, you could have just given him a call. Massive red flag in my opinion (from you OP).

Phoenix99 · 07/07/2021 00:33

I think his response to your text is a good sign. Unless there are other things about him that you've been worried about then yes, you're overthinking it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/07/2021 00:41

You sound desperate for an opportunity to tell him (and us) that your manager thinks you're amazing. Very teenage like.
He comes out of the whole saga far better than you do.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2021 00:42

I'm sorry to say that I agree with PP's that the red flags are coming from you rather than him.

Dial it down babe

QueenBee52 · 07/07/2021 00:46

OMFG

the guy sounds great and you sound like hard work ..

jesus.. does it always have to be about you 🙄

ZoeCM · 07/07/2021 00:50

To be blunt - if someone posted the reverse of this, I'd tell them it was a red flag. Particularly the part where you accuse him of "making it all about himself" because he made a harmless joke at his own expense. He definitely comes out of this sounding better than you.

Lizzie523 · 07/07/2021 00:56

OP don't let this be the hill that you die on. I used to get worked up about stuff like this and it just isn't worth it.

If you reminded him about the review and he'd given an arsey response my reply would be different. But when you reminded him he wanted to hear all about it, which is good

It sounds like he is struggling with his own work situation and yes maybe a little immature almost making a comparison between you both but really not a big deal imo

TenShortStories · 07/07/2021 01:01

You're understandably hypervigilant after your past relationships. So yes, it sounds like your response to him forgetting was extreme, but you do need to be like that to some extent to make sure another abuser doesn't sneak through.

That said, if the relationship has a future you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with him about these things. If there's too much second-guessing yourself and needing outside opinions then it will undermine the relationship and eventually kill it.

PurpleRainDancer · 07/07/2021 01:07

Blimey OP, sorry you’ve had a hard time before but you sound like hard work.

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