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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:
SenselessUbiquity · 07/07/2021 09:26

There are two things taken together here that I would think about carefully, although I wouldn't be necessarily screaming "RED FLAG" - yet.

  1. he is upfront about wanting to settle down and talks about partnership a lot. This is a good thing if it's what you want to, but be aware that this is an agenda - maybe a perfectly harmless or even benevolent agenda if it's one you share - but he has a vision, a picture of the future, and he is working to fit you into it. Make sure that you are working on your vision of the future too and that you remain the star of your own movie. he is thinking about his life, and where you belong in it. Make sure you are thinking about your life, and where he belongs in it.
  1. The fact that this is specifically about your work, taken with the thing above, makes me think that - perhaps to a very minor extent, certainly subconsciously - he sees you primarily as someone in relation to him, more than someone in your own right with an independent and powerful relationship with the world and he world of work. His reply about his own work situation highlights that - it doesn't mean enough to him that you are doing well because it reminds him that he isn't, which to him is the main thing.

Most men are like this, at least a bit. If you are generally happy and he generally respects you, you can say something about it. Don't be PA, don't make a joke, don't be bitchy (obv) - just say something simple and direct like: that mattered to me and your support, encouragement, congratulation would have meant a lot. Don't bottle it up. make it clear what you expect in a partner. I hope he can do it for you, but society doesn't tell men how.

HaveringWavering · 07/07/2021 09:27

I echo what others have said, and would also add that at the three months in stage it’s natural for him not to be all that interested or invested in your job/career. Yes, it’s part of your life and affects your moods/daily routine and he is slowly getting to know you, but it’s a bit early for him to be on top of the detail. This stage is more about fun and social things, work is a bit dull really. It’s similar to the other thread where the OP’s boyfriend realised it was too early a few months in to be doing her laundry.

Etinox · 07/07/2021 09:30

Don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s good that you’re alert and analysing and good that you’ve come here rather than dumping him. Stay alert and enjoy the relationship Flowers

KitKat1985 · 07/07/2021 09:31

I think you are over-reacting.

ittakes2 · 07/07/2021 09:32

It really depends on how big a deal you made of it. I personally don’t think 6 month reviews are a huge deal as unless you have been terrible at your job they are just a tick box event to confirm you are staying employeed. I would assume you would know before hand if you thought it was going to go badly. It’s normal for them to go well!

RedToothBrush · 07/07/2021 09:32

You've been together for 3 months and already gone on holiday for a week.

I think you have the speed dial turned up to high and your neediness suggests you are still stuck in a cycle that leaves you vulnerable - its not necessarily your choice of partner thats the issue here.

Are you sure you are ready for another relationship? And one this serious so quickly?

DismantledKing · 07/07/2021 09:33

OP, you need to remember that there are posters on MN who do not have your best interests at heart. They have come out of unhappy relationships, and they project their own experiences on everyone else. They have a subconscious need for everyone else's experience to mirror their own. Subconsciously, they want your relationship to fail. They are here for you for you, but not for your benefit, but for their own.

Oh god, yes. Spot on MissLucyEyelesbarrow

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 07/07/2021 09:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DisappointedOfNorfolk · 07/07/2021 09:35

I don't think the forgetting is a red flag, after all we all forget things, particularly if he was focused on the internet annoyance.

However, the comment you made was passive aggressive, which wasn't great (although he responded well to it without getting defensive).

The only bit I think may be a potential red flag during that interaction is the 'glad one of us is' comment he made at the end.

I can understand your reaction to this and the feeling he made it 'all about him' here, as this to me would be a red flag - he turned a positive thing you were sharing about you, into a negative thing about him, which deflated you a bit.

I'd keep a quiet eye out for this reoccurring and observe whether he often turns your achievements into a reason for him to compare himself negatively, as it becomes an extremely wearing character trait over the years...

fruitbrewhaha · 07/07/2021 09:35

Unless there's a backstory to work, probations are normally positive. You would have known in advance that there was a problem. So while you were feeling a bit anxious about it, you didn't really need to and hence he wasn't really that bothered either.

When you brought it up (in a rather snippy tome) he did ask and was perfectly nice about it and made a joke.

He sounds great.

BrandNewHeretic · 07/07/2021 09:39

I would be upset that he forgot, but his reaction of "tell me what happened" was a good response to be honest, and not a red flag. It sounds like he's going through his own shit too.

maddy68 · 07/07/2021 09:41

Wow , you're definitely high maintenance if this is bothering you

queenmeadhbh · 07/07/2021 09:58

OP I know abusive relationships totally fuck you up so i am sympathetic, but honestly your “thanks for asking” snark was passive aggressive and for me that would be a massive red flag if someone I was seeing did that! Like PP I think it reflects well on him that he said “tell me about it” rather than reacting like “jeez sorry I forgot no need to be snippy”. I don’t think that it’s a big deal that it slipped his mind but if you’d just said “I had my review today, it went well” he prob would have said “oh shit I totally forgot!!”.

It sounds like your past experiences have damaged your communication style and I think you need to focus on being open and straightforward.

Branleuse · 07/07/2021 10:09

going by what youve just said, then youre overreacting. You didnt really give him much chance to ask you, and even if he didnt remember straight away, its not a big deal surely? I dont think him making a self deprecating joke means hes making it all about him either.
You sound quite snippy and maybe not as healed from your past relationship as you think? x

InPraiseOfBacchus · 07/07/2021 10:14

OP - I get that you've been in a bad place and that's skewed your perspective, and I think you have courage for asking about it here to try to address that perspective.

Other people who've come here to project their own bitterness, confect drama, and scream "red flag!" - you need to be given a fidget spinner and more things to do in the day.

nevernotstruggling · 07/07/2021 13:58

I could forgive the forgetting but the 'glad one of us is' comment would make me cross. Nice of him to piss on your chips eh

QueenBee52 · 07/07/2021 16:43

@nevernotstruggling

I could forgive the forgetting but the 'glad one of us is' comment would make me cross. Nice of him to piss on your chips eh

He sounds like a nice guy unlike OP 🌸

Mrstamborineman · 07/07/2021 19:23

Ehhh ? What is the issue?

Redkey · 07/07/2021 19:39

Please learn to trust yourself and him - these are not red flags to anything other than your past experience. Every relationship moves at it's own pace - nothing is right or wrong despite what people say on this thread. DH proposed to me after two days together, I moved country and we were married 6 months later and 23 years on we are really happy together. Not right for everyone but don't make the mistake that relationships have rigid rules and if someone doesn't ask they don't care - learn to be honest with your partner about how you feel and deal with the fallout - the fear of honesty and what comes from it is what gets people into trouble, imo. And stop the sarky passive aggressive comments if you want a grown up healthy relationship.

Lanareyrey · 08/07/2021 00:28

OP I think he just forgot. It was a review (it’s pretty standard), he already said you’d be great. I know at this point in time and due to world issues and coping with my own busy life, I too am forgetful. Let it go OP. It’s not worth ruining a good thing over.

Original poster
overthinker121 · 08/07/2021 02:58

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I cannot begin to reply to each of you individually but I am grateful for you taking the time to reply. I will address some of the common themes in the replies:

  • those of you who said I am BU, I acknowledged this in my last update. It was late at night when this happened, the worst time for overthinking. In the cold light of day I can see that this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things
  • those who said I am selfish for wanting him to ask - we had already had a conversation about his day and I had offered possible solutions for the internet problems. By nature I have a good memory and so often remember when people have work reviews or similar coming up and so remember to ask. It is common for friends to not remember things like this in my life despite me remembering them in theirs and I suppose I shouldn't hold my bf to higher standards then them
  • those saying work reviews aren't a big deal, it was a big deal to me. I am very conscientious and this is by far the most challenging job I have ever done, exacerbated by the fact I started it in lockdown. I was surprised and pleased with the comments that I got and I had hoped he would celebrate them with me and not turn it back on himself
  • those who have been critical - as I said before, my perception is slightly skewed due to my previous experience, hence why I posted here rather than making a big deal of it with bf, although I admit being PA was not a good way to bring it up. It is helpful to have places like this to sound things out rather than acting on impulse
  • those who think we are moving too quickly - we have discussed the future in terms of what we want ie to get married, settle down etc but not necessarily said we want this with each other - of course it is far too early to know that. We have just established that we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for. I mentioned this as a green flag in my original post as in my experience men have been pretty non-committal when it comes to what they want long-term from a relationship.

Thank you again for your input and advice.

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/07/2021 07:05

It is common for friends to not remember things like this in my life despite me remembering them in theirs and I suppose I shouldn't hold my bf to higher standards then them

There seems to be a theme running through the way you perceive people's actions.

skodadoda · 08/07/2021 13:51

@WTF99

Would have been nice if he could have been selfless on this occasion. I'd keep an eye on this behaviour......
I think BF would do well to keep an eye on OP’s behaviour. She sounds very high maintenance.
ThursdayWeld · 08/07/2021 13:54

If my internet is playing up it gives me the utter rage and I would completely forget anything that was happening in anybody else's life!!

Scrumbleton · 08/07/2021 14:12

Sorry but he’s fine nothing wrong - don’t fault pick because we are none of us perfect

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