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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 07/07/2021 07:18

You were passive aggressive with your ‘thanks for asking’.

You could have just said ‘oh I had my review today, phew it went great’

You can work on communicating better and not relying on being PA to be heard. You’re defensive, but ultimately being in that frame of mind will not help your relationship.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 07/07/2021 07:22

I wish I could make a Mountie out of a molehill Grin

OP, I think the reason you're getting quite a strong response is that many of us are imagining being the partner who is expected to monitor, remember and proactively bring up every small event in the other person's life, and get passive aggressively punished for it if we have our own stuff or have a moment of human weakness and memory lapse, and it isn't a pretty prospect.

MichelleScarn · 07/07/2021 07:24

@maddening

You were wrapped up in yourself and your review, but you expect him to be.100% about you? He had been having an issue which was.bugging him, his mind is allowed other thoughts other than you. Yabu
Also agree with this.
Asurvivor · 07/07/2021 07:35

I can kind of see what you mean about making it all about him, he could just have said “well done you” or “you deserve that” when you told him the feedback and maybe that is what you needed to hear from him. But he could just have been having a difficult work day and had his own things going on. Does he compliment you and give you love/attention and make positive comments about you at other times? If so, then I would let this one go.

RedRec · 07/07/2021 07:41

OP, he probably just forgot. I have forgotten to ask my partner things that probably meant more to him than me (and felt bad when I realised).
I would cut him some slack and see how he behaves generally, going forward. Good luck.

want2bemum · 07/07/2021 07:45

You should let it go emotionally, but also tell him that you had this reaction which you've dealt with, he didn't do anything wrong and he does not need to feel bad. It will help him to understand you better if you talk about it.

Sweetener12 · 07/07/2021 07:45

I'd let it go, he sounds like a nice guy and he probably made it all about him because he was too consumed with his own work problems.

PaniniHead · 07/07/2021 07:49

I would have taken your sarcastic comment as more of a red flag than what he has done

ihtwsf · 07/07/2021 07:50

I don't think he did make it all about himself. He probably forgot about the review and then you were rude with your "thanks for asking" comment. He then said "Tell me about it". So it's not like you reminded him you'd had your review and he then immediately turned the topic back to his internet problems.

You have to be very careful when you have had a toxic relationship not to look for red flags everyone and turn every little thing into one.
I have been doing similar myself. Bad relationship ended 2.5 years ago. Since then I've got to know a really lovely guy but I've spent most of the time with massive walls up and interpreting every little thing in his behaviour as something to be concerned about. Had a revelation a couple of months ago - he's a lovely guy and genuine, and now things are finally progressing.

So while you should be careful, you shouldn't be over-analzying minor things for issues.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/07/2021 07:52

I think you’re right to ask, and I think some of the responses on here are wrong to be so dismissive.

I think it’s fine in this case - he was maybe a little bit crappy but it’s not indicative of a problem down the line from this alone. Abuse in the past will make you question things though, as it should.

Cosmos123 · 07/07/2021 07:54

You seem really needy.
He may well decide this is not for him if you continue.
You seem like hard work.

Cosmos123 · 07/07/2021 07:55

He makes see the warnings and RUN.

Cosmos123 · 07/07/2021 07:55

*may

ChristmasFluff · 07/07/2021 08:02

Non-issue.

But you've totally missed the amber-alert of him talking about a future with you when he doesn't really know you yet. 3 months means you are still both on best behavour.

And your text was very passive aggressive - not exactly supportive of his frustration with his internet, was it? My point is, no-one is perfect. So it's about being boundaried and deciding if someone's (non-abusive) imperfections are things you can live happily with.

That is what dating and getting to know someone is about. You cannot coomit to someone until you truly know them - and you don't know them until you have your first disagreements, which don't tend to happen until after the 3 month point

You now know he doesn't always have the minutiae of your life at the forefront of his mind, but resppnds well to criticism. He knows you can be passive-aggressive. You both have data points to consider

Somuddled · 07/07/2021 08:03

I can't understand why people are saying 'let it go'. That suggests he did something wrong. He didn't. People aren't perfect and our ability to think of others reduces when we are worked up about something ourselves like he was. The OP's 'thanks for asking' passive aggressive text was the most eyebrow raising part of that whole exchange.

AmandaHugenkiss · 07/07/2021 08:10

@Somuddled

I can't understand why people are saying 'let it go'. That suggests he did something wrong. He didn't. People aren't perfect and our ability to think of others reduces when we are worked up about something ourselves like he was. The OP's 'thanks for asking' passive aggressive text was the most eyebrow raising part of that whole exchange.
I agree. He did nothing wrong. Try not to overthink it quite so much (easier said than done, I know).
Geriatric1234 · 07/07/2021 08:12

@PaniniHead

I would have taken your sarcastic comment as more of a red flag than what he has done
Was thinking exactly this.
butterpuffed · 07/07/2021 08:14

I'm pleased you've realised you WBU, OP. Starting to question something so trivial could cause your BF to be treading on egg shells when he talks to you which wouldn't bode well for the relationship.

Confusedandshaken · 07/07/2021 08:16

I'm glad you've let this go. Sometimes people forget things they really ought to remember. I've been married 36 years and I do it as does DH. I still cringe when I remember the time he came back from visiting his DP and I automatically asked "how are your Mum and Dad?', completely forgetting for a split second that his mum had died the month before. Equally I've come home from taking my dad for a cancer check and he's been full of a rant about work and not asked after my dad.

I'm not saying it's a good thing. We could often be a little less self obsessed and a lot more thoughtful but in an otherwise happy relationship it needn't be a big deal.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/07/2021 08:17

Because in a day where his own work maybe a struggle due to connectivity problems all his thoughts should be about your work and a review which neither of you have any reason to worry about?

SarahBellam · 07/07/2021 08:19

I wouldn’t even be interested in my own probation meeting, never mind someone else’s. It’s just a normal part of a working day. I might mention it as part of a conversation while I was making the dinner or something but that’s about it.

TenThousandSpoons · 07/07/2021 08:20

I would have found your sarcastic “thanks for asking” a mini red flag.

U2HasTheEdge · 07/07/2021 08:23

@Cosmos123

You seem really needy. He may well decide this is not for him if you continue. You seem like hard work.
Was there really any need for this?

OP has explained that she was in an abusive relationship and she asked for opinions because she wasn't sure. It is completely understandable that OP is on the lookout for red flags. No, it isn't his fault that she was abused, but it's a new relationship and hopefully in time OP will develop trust in him and herself.

OP, I agree that this isn't a big deal. I would probably forget about a probation review because to me it is just a formality and it would likely slip my mind.

My husband is lovely, he is is a great husband, but he recently forgot I had a GP appointment for something I was worrying about. It happens.

TenThousandSpoons · 07/07/2021 08:23

Sorry I hadn’t seen your update. Good idea to check on here if you’re unsure.

Livelovebehappy · 07/07/2021 08:24

You’re over analysing his behaviour, and continuing in this way, the relationship will crash and burn. I’d hate to be in a situation where my DP was picking everything I said (or didn’t say) apart. It seems you might be trying to find problems where none exist.

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