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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:

BertramLacey · 07/07/2021 08:25

Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was.

It was important to you but slipped his mind. This happens. Unlike some pp I can see why your review was important to you. I worry about these things even if others do think they're a formality.

I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji

That's not good. 'Sorry about the internet. Some good news though - passed my probation!' might have been better.

and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!'

Good.

so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

He was feeling sorry for himself. I'd have comforted him. If he needed comforting every time my day was going well and his wasn't, and if that happened a lot, I would be wondering if he had Eeyore syndrome and it would bug me. As something that happens from time to time though I don't view it as a problem.

You are right to be cautious OP. Don't let some of the harsher responses on here put you off asking questions.

no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June

This stood out for me far more than the text conversation. That's moving fast, especially given your history. Three months in I wouldn't be talking too much about the future and a week away together sounds quite heavy.

jannathehut · 07/07/2021 08:25

A 6 month review at work is a complete non event and I wouldn't have asked you about it either.

Your snarky comment is a red flag, I'd have thought wtf! And mentally noted it.

Rainallnight · 07/07/2021 08:26

Doesn’t sound at all like a big deal to me

IDontReadEyebrows · 07/07/2021 08:26

@overthinker121

Thank you everyone for your replies. I had a feeling I was being unreasonable, hence why I posted here. In past relationships I have let big things slide to my detriment and I am now learning the balance between what is ok and what is not...clearly I still have some work to do.

I think it’s more normal than we realise to struggle with this type of stuff- what’s normal and acceptable- in a new relationship after an abusive ex has messed up with our outlook and expectations.

It’s a good sign that you already realised that you were being unreasonable deep down.

Eviethyme · 07/07/2021 08:27

He didn't remember something that wasn't even important - _- stop digging

Branster · 07/07/2021 08:33

If anything I'd say you were readying to start a fight, pushing to see his reaction with the sarcastic comment. And he passed. You shouldn't be playing games like this. You could have made a simple comment 'review behind me and it was great' if you wanted to share the experience with him.
He is not your ex, and he sounds considerate. We can't say he made it all about himself in the end because you made it all about yourself to start with.
Let it go, he's done nothing wrong and you will gradually learn to feel more secure in this relationship and not compare with negative past experiences.
Most importantly, well done on your very positive work review!

BountyIsUnderrated · 07/07/2021 08:35

So many ott replies in this thread geez I forgot men had to be perfect all the time, the average man doesn't sound as nice as this guy!

It's a non issue, my dh and me wouldn't even bat an eye at something like this. Just a polite reminder I had x today, remember they could've had a tough day or been busy/distracted themselves.

Tal45 · 07/07/2021 08:37

Instead of being passive aggressive and saying 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' why didn't you tell him about your review if he forgot to ask?

Sounds to me like you were thoughtless one to go on and on about all the wonderful things your boss said when you know he's really struggling with his boss.

somanyncs · 07/07/2021 08:44

I think you are currently employing a bit of a 'zero tolerance' policy after being hurt before.

This texting thing is not a big thing. He clearly got frustrated and completely distracted by his internet problems (which can be infuriating), and clearly the review temporarily slipped his mind. He recovered well. (Good on you for doing so well at work, btw!)

It is good that you are looking our for yourself, but you may still have some things that need working out, if you want this relationship to succeed. You shifting back into cattiness as a knee jerk reaction is not great. If you make a mountain out of a mole hill every time he is less than perfection, the 'easiness' will change into 'hard work' in his perspective very quickly.

I once had an absolutely destructive relationship. Afterwards I remained single for a few years, because I knew that I needed to work on the issues that had let me be with the man in the first place, and not leaving despite being treated poorly. By the time I met (my lovely) DP, I had dealt with my baggage, fixed my standards, learned to trust again, and knew I was ready to meet and appreciate someone nice, and not to jeopardise my relationship with that person on the basis of a previously bad experience and how it makes me interpret things.

Perhaps you should look into talking to someone to try to work through some of the issues your past relationships have caused you, or just to spend some time self-reflecting. You sound really nice, and so does he. It would suck if you end up accidentally self-sabotaging something that could be really great for you.

Weirdlynormal · 07/07/2021 08:44

Honestly OP I'd struggle to remember details in other peoples lives. You need to lighten up a bit. You're really not the centre of the universe. That doesn't mean someone can treat you badly, but it also means they don't have to circle you and feed off your light and life.

I think he is owed an apology for you being passive aggressive and rather rude to the poor guy. If someone said that to me, I'd have a little red flag of my own waving.

Heartofglass12345 · 07/07/2021 08:49

I think it would have been better to say, 'I had my review today, it went well' than be sarcastic. He might have forgotten especially if he had other stuff going on (even if it seems insignificant)
Be aware but don't treat him badly.

I got engaged after 4 months and married within a year and a baby a week later so I can't comment on the talking about a future together thing lol. If you both want to settle down there's nothing wrong with talking about it.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/07/2021 08:50

@MzHz

With the experience I’ve had, I’d not call it a red flag, but I’d definitely lodge it as an Amber.

Observe and pay attention

As my therapist said to me “he doesn’t have to be abusive for you to end it”

I remember him saying this over and over before I got it!

God he had the patience of a Saint :)

We’re here for you. Let us know if you need to sound anything out.

OP, you need to remember that there are posters on MN who do not have your best interests at heart. They have come out of unhappy relationships, and they project their own experiences on everyone else. They have a subconscious need for everyone else's experience to mirror their own. Subconsciously, they want your relationship to fail. They are here for you for you, but not for your benefit, but for their own.

Crinkle77 · 07/07/2021 08:52

Good lord is a 6 month probation. These things are little more than a paper chasing exercise. Its hardly even worth mentioning.

Redkey · 07/07/2021 08:53

You'd be a red flag to me if I thought you were this needy.

Redkey · 07/07/2021 08:58

I also think if you want this relationship to work - you need to stop communicating your hurt feelings using sarcasm/pretend jokey shit - just bloody well say what you feel, nicely - unless you want this to be how you communicate?

Aprilx · 07/07/2021 09:04

YABU. Six month probationary period really doesn’t mean anything and most people wouldn’t comment on it at all, never mind get upset when others don’t.

beastlyslumber · 07/07/2021 09:05

You might be overthinking but I would just be cautious. Go slowly and over time you will see if this is a pattern of selfishness/thoughtlessness or just a one-off blip.

I don't like the response, 'of course!' It would have been better if he'd said sorry for forgetting. It was too glib.

Just see how it goes and be cautious. Try talking about something else important to you and see if he makes it all about himself.

Daphnise · 07/07/2021 09:06

If you continue being this needy and demanding he will be driven away.

It all seems a fuss about nothing.

JeepersCreeping · 07/07/2021 09:10

OP, you need to sort out your own wierd game playing and expectations. a 6 month probation at work isn't something that is particularly memorable to anyone else (most of the time my managers have forgot this stuff, never mind a boyfriend you've been dating for 3 months).

your sarcastic reply and over-analysing of his behaviour isn't healthy.

you need to figure out why you're setting up these silent, ridiculous expectations of exactly what the "right" behaviour is from him, because your relationship is doomed if this is the way you're planning to operate.

and i'm all for being on the lookout for red flags after toxic relationships, great, but this is just nonsense from you.

godmum56 · 07/07/2021 09:12

You have been hurt and I get that....maybe you aren't ready to trust again but I urge you not to make every aspect of a relationship a test. if you are still "constantly on the look out for red flags" then is it fair to the partner in the relationship?

Killahangilion · 07/07/2021 09:14

Bloody hell OP.

my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji

If you’d sent this to me about such a non event, I’d be looking to end the relationship ASAP.

You’re the one who’s playing childish passive aggressive games here!

BeeDavis · 07/07/2021 09:15

Wow. Let this go and fast 😖

theemmadilemma · 07/07/2021 09:18

@hawkehurstgang

Honestly you were rude. Stop punishing a nice guy for the behavioir of your ex or you'll push him away and probably regret it

That. It slipped his mind and you were straight on his arse wanting to rake him over the coals for it. Doesn't mean he's an arsehole, it means he's human.

WhySoSensitive · 07/07/2021 09:19

In my opinion, I struggle to see how you could make this an issue.

ClawedButler · 07/07/2021 09:22

Oh bless you, it must be difficult for you to work out what normal, sensible boundaries are after having had yours eroded over the years. It doesn't sound to me like you really are fully healed from your past experience, but that's OK - you can tell him that.

What concerns me more, personally, is all the future talk at only 3 months. At this stage, it is really just that: talk. You don't actually know if you genuinely are on the same page with this stuff - one of you might be saying this stuff because it's a nice daydream while the other thinks these are real plans and becomes invested in them.

Best of luck to you - you're learning about how to have a healthy relationship, and it's not easy when you're not used to it.

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