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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - new bf and my probation review at work

150 replies

overthinker121 · 06/07/2021 23:13

I genuinely can't work out whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill on this subject. My last relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic and, whilst I feel I am healed from it, I am constantly on the look out for red flags in my new relationship as I never want to be hurt
like that again.

Background: I'm 31 and he's 32, no kids. We have only been together three months and so far everything is positive - communication is good, it feels 'easy' - no game playing or drama, he is kind, he is open about wanting to settle down etc and unafraid of talking about the future with me. We spent a week together in Norfolk in June (I have never been on holiday for a week with just one person - ex used to send me home after 4 days because he needed his 'space') and there were no arguments or disagreements etc.

However, yesterday I told him that I had my 6 month probation review at work, to which he responded 'you'll be great'. Today he messaged me venting about his internet playing up but didn't ask how my review was. I said, 'my review was fine, thanks for asking' with a jokey emoji and he said 'of course, tell me what happened!' so I told him all the positive things that were said and how my manager said that I'm 'amazing' and he responded 'glad one of us is' (he doesn't get on with his boss).

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he forgot and b) that he made this about himself? I just think a 'well done' would have been nice.

He isn't selfish in other ways eg he suffers from social anxiety but knows I like to meet up with friends and has come with me because, in his words, 'compromise is part of a partnership'.

Should I just let this go? Maybe I am being overly picky as a protective mechanism so I don't get hurt again like with my ex?

OP posts:
melj1213 · 07/07/2021 01:14

YABU - he could have forgotten or he could have been waiting for you to bring it up in case you had a less than glowing review, either way it's not unreasonable for him to not immediately pull out the parade the second he was in contact with you.

My ExDH would always be really nervous about interviews/reviews at work and so while he might mention them the day before, where I would wish him luck etc, I would never bring up the interviews/reviews until he did because either it was good news, which meant he was always eager to share straight away, or it was not so great news, in which case I would let him process/deal with it and talk about it when he was ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2021 01:25

Do you make a habit of always looking for problems? You may have had an abusive relationship in the past, but this man is not that man. The poor guy did nothing wrong, fgs.

Original poster
overthinker121 · 07/07/2021 01:25

Thank you everyone for your replies. I had a feeling I was being unreasonable, hence why I posted here. In past relationships I have let big things slide to my detriment and I am now learning the balance between what is ok and what is not...clearly I still have some work to do.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 07/07/2021 03:10

You have only known him five minutes so to speak,and you are getting miffed about a thing like this.. don't do it again !

FilthyforFirth · 07/07/2021 05:37

Christ almighty you sound hard work. It has only been 3 months. Not even close to red flag behaviour.

HoppingPavlova · 07/07/2021 05:43

Nope, I’d think if someone had a problem or their review went badly they would tell me, otherwise I’d assume all was good and nothing to discuss. Similarly I’d never mention I even had a review happening if I didn’t perceive any issue, I couldn’t imagine that someone would be interested!

coffeerose · 07/07/2021 05:48

@overthinker121

Thank you everyone for your replies. I had a feeling I was being unreasonable, hence why I posted here. In past relationships I have let big things slide to my detriment and I am now learning the balance between what is ok and what is not...clearly I still have some work to do.
It's good that you've listened to the comments and are taking them onboard. This really is a non event but I understand your wanting this new relationship to be perfect after your past issues with your Ex. Chances are you have or will forget to follow up on something with him in the future. That's just being human.
Sloaneslone · 07/07/2021 06:10

I never know wether to bring things like this up to people unless I know them well.

Incase it's gone bad. My best friend has her driving test coming up. I asked her to let me know. She hates been asked about how she did, if things have gone badly. But I know her well enough to say, you tell me and we can celebrate or commiserate.

If its someone I barely know and its the first time this sort of thing has come up I wouldn't be sure.

And for most us, 6 month reviews aren't a big deal. Most people know what to expect before they go in. Or at least wetgervots going to be mainly good or mainly bad. So he may not have thought it was a huge deal to you.

I get why you are watching for these things. But don't fall into the trap of pulling things apart that much, that you find problems that aren't there and ruin your own happiness.

AgentJohnson · 07/07/2021 06:10

Think it's good that his reply to your sarcastic....thanks for asking ..was tell me what happened.

This

If you have something to say, say it. A winking emoji doesn’t lessen a PA comment. To be honest your PA is the red flag here.

Paq · 07/07/2021 06:13

I would consider a probation review as a non event tbh, unless you had some serious problems at work.

hawkehurstgang · 07/07/2021 06:15

Honestly you were rude. Stop punishing a nice guy for the behavioir of your ex or you'll push him away and probably regret it

thesunwillout · 07/07/2021 06:16

The thanks for asking sentence was unnecessary, and provocative. Given what you've said about him, he was caught off guard by you being weird.

He just forgot for a moment, and internet playing up is bloody frustrating.

He was probably surprised by you being cutting with a smiley emoticon.

Just don't make things about you! Unless he's done something really bad.

Shoxfordian · 07/07/2021 06:20

I don’t think it’s a red flag either

Have you done the freedom programme? Will help you identify wronguns

User135792468 · 07/07/2021 06:33

You’re being unnecessarily dramatic and looking for an issue where there wasn’t one. It may have slipped his mind to ask but as soon as you brought it up, he wanted to talk.

MiddleParking · 07/07/2021 06:41

Honestly it would give me the ick if a guy in his thirties expected me to ask about his probation review, then started relaying his feedback from the meeting Confused let alone if he was also reproachful in his expectation of me asking about it.

If you have work to do on yourself before you can treat someone reasonably why not do that work before dating someone else? “My ex was abusive” isn’t a get out of jail free card for treating your current partner however you want. God knows we read enough posts on MN from women whose abusers are using ‘my ex cheated’ as justification for awful behaviour.

Faevern · 07/07/2021 06:41

I think he may have the same doubts about you with your PA text to be fair.

Total non event, I have forgotten far more important things that were happening in my friends and families life over the years, doesn't mean I don't love and cherish them or that I'm inconsiderate.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 07/07/2021 06:49

The flag for me here is that you brought up this relative non event in a really passive-aggressive way. Do you often do that kind of thing? Do you need to do some work on your own skills around being assertive and direct? Because that comment would have annoyed the shit out of me, and if you frequently address issues in a PA way, I'd be drawing my own conclusions about our viability.

Blinkingbatshit · 07/07/2021 06:54

Yes op, afraid this scenario makes you very much seem the one with issues. Well done for realising, hope it’s something you can continue to work on.

Nietzschethehiker · 07/07/2021 06:58

I think itts good that you took on board that you were being unreasonable to be fair. Yes it was a slight misstep because his response was fine. DP and I will often have crazy days where lots is going on. I'm having a big thing at work and he's having a bad day and we might have a similar exchange.

Actually funnily enough we had a similar one to you the other day. I had my 3 month review which went really well and I was told about a sort of promotion and DP at the same time was meeting with freelance clients in London for the first time since the pandemic and I text him to tell him what I had heard and he answered with an expletive about the trains. Swiftly followed by a positive text about my news , I then followed with telling him not to try to yell at anyone . (Joking....he is not actually rude to people).

It's just life. I know DP is proud of me as I am of him but the daily life is sometimes that people have competing issues its give and take. I do think you were being sensitive but kudos for listening to people's advice and you are still working on your reactions. That's an absolute strength . Sounds like you are actively trying to be healthy about your reactions. We all get it wrong sometimes. (The day after the above I got stroppy with DP for not asking about the DC first birthday party invite in 3 years and it turned out he was upset my birthday present hadn't arrived....all solved by a conversation , apologies and hugs)

Juststopasking · 07/07/2021 06:58

Your behaviour was way worse than his! That kind of passive aggressive bullshit you pulled on him would have got my back right up. He has done literally nothing wrong. You on the other hand, should probably look at how you addressed it with him by being sarcastic rather than just saying "my review went really well today".

Plus - it's a standard work meeting. It's not like you went for a job interview. He's been with you for essentially a few weeks.

maddening · 07/07/2021 06:59

You were wrapped up in yourself and your review, but you expect him to be.100% about you? He had been having an issue which was.bugging him, his mind is allowed other thoughts other than you. Yabu

Nietzschethehiker · 07/07/2021 07:01

I do agree with other PP about the passive aggressive comments though. Say it outright or it's not an assertive act. It makes you the issue. It's not an acceptable behaviour in our House and generally if anyone does it they get asked if they are turning into family member who is extremely unpleasant and passive aggressive in their manipulation. Its called out every time here because its an incredibly disliked behaviour. Don't play silly games.

FreeBritnee · 07/07/2021 07:04

@maddening

You were wrapped up in yourself and your review, but you expect him to be.100% about you? He had been having an issue which was.bugging him, his mind is allowed other thoughts other than you. Yabu
^
bigbaggyeyes · 07/07/2021 07:14

Another vote for 'Mountie out of a mole Hill'

bigbaggyeyes · 07/07/2021 07:14

*mountain

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