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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL childcare, driving me mad!

130 replies

Chiwi · 05/07/2021 15:26

My PIL, predominantly FIL, provide ad-hoc childcare for my 18 month old. We work shifts so it usually works out 1 X half day per week. We planned to use formal childcare but cancelled her name from the waitlist at PIL insistence. It saved us money and I like the idea of DD having a lovely relationship with her grandparents.

I work part time so most of the time she is with me. I do bathtime, bedtime, most mealtimes, I am her constant. That's not to say her dad is useless, he is brilliant but works a lot and sometimes away, but regardless she adores him and he does lots for her when he is here.

She has been going to PIL for 6 months now. Initial reluctance but now she loves it there, constant attention and fun, no demands placed on her and she can have whatever she likes. Doesn't bother me, that's what grandparents are for and it's not often.

So my issue is; she has started throwing the tiniest strop when I arrive to collect her. They make a huge deal mock carrying her away saying 'you stay here with grandad', they've started it now before she even strops and almost wind her up into it. It's really starting to piss me off. They've also started now saying 'oh you're always excited to see daddy'. Obviously rationally I can think daddy and grandparents are exciting because she sees them less and they don't do the boring things with her as much. But it hurts a little.

Last night DPs mum text him and said 'we are a bit worried DGD doesn't seem to have bonded that well with chiwi'. I am so upset. We have a wonderful bond, she is affectionate, she trusts me, when she hurts herself or is poorly it is me she wants.

I want to change my work pattern to have my 2 days as set days and put her into nursery those days. I'm fed up of this from his parents. But I'm worried I'm cutting my nose of to spite my face?
AIBU to do that, should I suck it up?

OP posts:

mynameisbrian · 05/07/2021 15:29

What a nasty thing for them to send to your DH. I wouldn’t be happy at there behaviour either and would also explore other options. Them looking after her was to support you not leave you feeling upset

TiredButDancing · 05/07/2021 15:34

I was reading all this and thinking PIL are a bit annoying with the "you don't want to go home do you...?" thing but the overall it's all good and surely a simply comment that it really upsets you and them when you have to deal with her being upset on way home and please can they work on it....

.... and then I read that ridiculous comment from MIL to DH and now I'm RAGING and I'm not even involved in anyway and I can't help thinking there's waaaaaay more to this than you're saying because for MIL to go over your head with such a passive aggressive message is totally OTT and not okay.

[also, I'd be pointing out to ILs that in our social circle it's generally acknowledged that children often cry when collected by parents because they're having such a good time. No one has ever suggested therefore that children should move in with their friends, or that they don't love their parents. Twats]

Ghosttile · 05/07/2021 15:34

That’s such a hurtful thing to say.

GreenCrayon · 05/07/2021 15:34

Gosh what a bloody vile thing to text your husband of course she is well bonded to you!

I would absolutely be moving her into nursery. I would have said so even with just the information about how they behave when you collect her but that text would seal the deal for me.

saraclara · 05/07/2021 15:34

Woah. That's awful.

In that basis my childminder back in the day would have thought my youngest hated me. I picked her up at 1pm, and she never wanted to leave. She was tired, enjoying it there, and though she was the most laid back of toddlers, my arrival almost always led to a tantrum.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/07/2021 15:36

What did DP say?

Does he know they play that silly game at home time?

Tell him. And then tell him you are making the changes you described and that he can epxlain to them that their behaviour , reinforcing a child's natural wish to stay where life s mor efun, wehre they are, etc, has cost them their regular time because you don't want them undermining you again.

Their actions, their consequences. And no, they don't get a second chance. Had they not sent the message they might have, but knowing that they reinforce DDs reluctance and then 'showing concern' is a shity, shitty thing to do!

They can do as most GPs do, see her at weekends with you and/or DP. Tough!

It's not cutting your nose of to spite your face, it is protecting your DD from adults who want to undermine her faith in her mother!

DoubleHelix79 · 05/07/2021 15:37

DD started to go to a (wonderful) childminder at 6 months old. She went through phases where we had to almost drag her away at pickup time while she made it clear she wanted to stay and wasn't exactly pleased to see us. It stung a little, but I tried to remind myself that this was just her having a lot of fun there, and that being comfortable to be away from us was an expression of secure attachment rather than a lack of it.

I'd have a frindly but clear conversation with the PIL, explaining the above and that further comments among those lines would not be appreciated. Being with her grandparents is a nice thing for her, so I'd avoid changing the arrangements for now.

Blossomtoes · 05/07/2021 15:37

Ffs, I honestly can’t believe this. What vile people. I so hope your bloke puts them firmly in their place. They’ve comprehensively pissed on their chips.

Iloveacurry · 05/07/2021 15:37

Completely out of order of your DPs mum to say that.

Paddling654 · 05/07/2021 15:38

That's a poisonous thing to text your partner.
No good could come of it. They clearly lack insight and who knows what else they'll think they know.

No this is not working. You should definitely change these arrangements.

If providing regular childcare makes them feel able to meddle like this, it's not a good position for anyone.

WutheringTights · 05/07/2021 15:39

When I pick my kids up from SCHOOL they're always a bit disappointed they're not going to after school club with their friends. Doesn't mean they haven't bonded with me - they all clearly adore me and I'm the one they want when they're ill/upset/whatever, it just means that they're having fun at school with their friends. As her parent you're supposed to the the safe, boring, predictable one. Ffs. I'd be having a word with them.

Paddling654 · 05/07/2021 15:39

And I would wonder what they will say as your DD becomes more verbal.

alongwiththesunshine · 05/07/2021 15:43

When my dd was 4 months old, she happily settled in MIL arms for about 15 minutes. In that time my MiL said

"Aw look how happy she is, she doesn't care if you are there or not"

"Aw most babies hate being away from their mums"

"She loves you because of milk, after you finish breastfeeding she will want other people"

My DD must have sensed something that day because she never ever let mil hold her again, would scream to top of her lungs only for MIL.

Still 3 years later dd dislikes mil.

If I was you, I would put your child in a proper nursery, socialise with other children is whats more important than grandparents who seem to get off on that she likes being there and use it to hurt you.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2021 15:43

When you get a nursery place sorted for her, get DP to tell his parents that they'll no longer be providing any childcare...and why.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/07/2021 15:45

Oh that's really nasty of them, I'd be finding alternative care as well

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/07/2021 15:46

How immature of the grandparents - and very upsetting for you, op.

Original poster

Chiwi · 05/07/2021 15:46

So reassured that it isn't just my DD that throws a strop when I arrive! And that other people can see I'm not being unreasonable. I had some mild PND but this is resolved and not something PIL know about. It can make me question some of my feelings still.

DP was very supportive and told them they were being ridiculous and that the second DD is driving away from theirs she is happy as anything shouting mummy!! He also told them undermining me wouldn't be tolerated.

He has always been of the opinion that they shouldn't have too much involvement in childcare because it makes them feel entitled to have an opinion or a say in how we raise her. I guess he was right.

I am considering nurseries but part of me does agree with @DoubleHelix79 that she loves it there. I was worried about hurt feelings but after that text not so much now.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2021 15:48

Your feelings are being hurt, they don't seem to be too worried about that. Sod them.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/07/2021 15:49

That is a truly terrible thing for them to say.

GreenCrayon · 05/07/2021 15:49

He has always been of the opinion that they shouldn't have too much involvement in childcare because it makes them feel entitled to have an opinion or a say in how we raise her. I guess he was right.

The fact he thought it was initially a bad idea tells you all you need to know.

She can still have a good relationship with them if they are not providing childcare and it will probably be in her better interests if that relationship is supervised for now so they don't start trying to take on a parenting role.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/07/2021 15:52

I think a lot of women do that, don't quite hear their DPs when they say such things. Or think they know a nice way to build some bridges. DON'T DO IT! I did... and it hurt us both!

Now you know he was right and will support you to make those chnages - do it as soon as possible!

CaraherEIL · 05/07/2021 15:53

I would find alternative care, that is a shitty and divisive thing to send to your partner. I wouldn’t be able to continue to go there and go through their ridiculous pantomime at pick knowing they had written that.
I think your partner needs to make a text response to his parents in support of you.
They are making trouble in the very early days and they are such dicks because they are the only ones who are going to lose out.

2bazookas · 05/07/2021 15:54

That is a pretty extreme comment from MIL. !!!!!!!

I would have a talk to them about a new way for all adults to behave when you go to pick her up. Calm and low key, no PIL windups at all; YOU put her coat/shoes on and strap her into car and they hold back.

CaraherEIL · 05/07/2021 15:55

Sorry cross posted see your partner has already responded perfectly.

zoeydollie · 05/07/2021 15:56

Set your days and sort out formal childcare. GPs can always do occasional babysitting.

If your DP was reluctant to give his parents too much input, that says a lot.

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