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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PIL childcare, driving me mad!

130 replies

Chiwi · 05/07/2021 15:26

My PIL, predominantly FIL, provide ad-hoc childcare for my 18 month old. We work shifts so it usually works out 1 X half day per week. We planned to use formal childcare but cancelled her name from the waitlist at PIL insistence. It saved us money and I like the idea of DD having a lovely relationship with her grandparents.

I work part time so most of the time she is with me. I do bathtime, bedtime, most mealtimes, I am her constant. That's not to say her dad is useless, he is brilliant but works a lot and sometimes away, but regardless she adores him and he does lots for her when he is here.

She has been going to PIL for 6 months now. Initial reluctance but now she loves it there, constant attention and fun, no demands placed on her and she can have whatever she likes. Doesn't bother me, that's what grandparents are for and it's not often.

So my issue is; she has started throwing the tiniest strop when I arrive to collect her. They make a huge deal mock carrying her away saying 'you stay here with grandad', they've started it now before she even strops and almost wind her up into it. It's really starting to piss me off. They've also started now saying 'oh you're always excited to see daddy'. Obviously rationally I can think daddy and grandparents are exciting because she sees them less and they don't do the boring things with her as much. But it hurts a little.

Last night DPs mum text him and said 'we are a bit worried DGD doesn't seem to have bonded that well with chiwi'. I am so upset. We have a wonderful bond, she is affectionate, she trusts me, when she hurts herself or is poorly it is me she wants.

I want to change my work pattern to have my 2 days as set days and put her into nursery those days. I'm fed up of this from his parents. But I'm worried I'm cutting my nose of to spite my face?
AIBU to do that, should I suck it up?

OP posts:
Chiwi · 05/07/2021 18:40

@skodadoda that sounds a lovely set up. You must have a lovely relationship with your DD and sound like a lovely grandparent.

OP posts:
Weebleweeble · 05/07/2021 20:06

That they let her have whatever they want - as if a 2 year old can judge what's best - not a good idea imv. That's enough to decide on formal care.

cadburyegg · 05/07/2021 20:12

I haven’t RTFT but YANBU at all. And you are her safe place so it makes total sense for her to have a meltdown when you arrive. Probably all that pent up frustration from the day coming out because she knows she can with you. I’ll always remember picking DS1 up after his first day at school, he took one look at me and burst into tears. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me to pick him up, he was just overwhelmed.

Lalliella · 05/07/2021 20:21

She’s probably upset to leave because she’s been eating sweets all day and knows that has to end. Sounds like they’re spoiling her too much as well as being undermining and weirdly competitive. Nursery!

Babygotblueyes · 05/07/2021 20:36

I am so glad that your partner gets it - sounds like a keeper. He or you or both need to let them know that this kind of comment wont be tolerated, and if they want to continue the privilege of being with their DGD so much they need to knock this shit off.

FunMcCool · 05/07/2021 21:26

I wasn’t with you until they sent that text. I wouldn’t be letting unsupervised contact after that. I’d be so upset. How dare they!

StevenYerTeasReady · 05/07/2021 21:32

A few years ago I read about the three dos when dealing with boundary stepping GPs. I think they're perfect for arseholes like you married into.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told?

Drivingmeupthewall · 05/07/2021 21:34

Thanks @Fluffycloudland77. much appreciated. I just need a hammer and an alibi. He drives me insane. If he could have my husband and my baby in the family and exclude me, he’d be all over that. My inlaws are so weirdly obsessed with all of their children and their children’s children and despise all of us spouses, except for one.

Lemonmelonsun · 05/07/2021 21:34

Op this thread makes me feel so sad because my pils have said so many similar undermining things to and about me.

But the difference is my dc never wanted to stay and couldn't get out fast enough.
I've subjected them for too long to an awful Mil and fil.
Our relationship with the dc is so so so much better without pils involved. Unfortunately my family are deceased which is what I suppose made me feel guilty about cutting them adrift sooner... We had all this crap.. Dc wanting to stay etc.

What was actually happening was dc were being furiously "worked on" by fil to the go back!.. Covid has been wonderful to us.
Op, most of us on this thread a have been where you are. Please don't care what one or two posters say.
. Your dd absolutely will not need weaning of them Grin my goodness once in nursery tearing away with pals... No!!

There is something rotten and insidious with this message and its showing you the dark underbelly of how your pils feel.

I too made the grave mistake of going agaisnt dh early advice.

user1471538283 · 05/07/2021 21:39

Children tend to play up for their primary caregiver. My DS would kick off leaving kindergarten sometimes.

But that is so cruel and demeaning to say that about you. I would look for a kindergarten and save the DGPs time for when you want to go out.

GettingItOutThere · 05/07/2021 21:40

that is horrible, but honestly nursery is a good option! She will socialise more and have a lovely day and they will never judge you!

Im so glad your OP has your back!

Cherrysoup · 05/07/2021 21:46

I hope your dh is going to challenge that disgusting comment and their very immature poor behaviour. In your shoes, I’d do the same, search for a nursery. Your fil sounds like an idiot.

Coyoacan · 05/07/2021 22:47

Your PIL are morons who don't understand child development

This

My MIL, who was otherwise lovely, used to make me feel like shit when my dd would cry or misbehave when I was collecting her. Then as I got more experience around children I found out that this is the most common behaviour in the world and I cannot quite understand why MIL wasn't aware of it.

biwinoone · 05/07/2021 23:56

What's with PILs and these kind of comments? They sound exactly like my PILs and that is why I never entrusted them with childcare. My child never goes there without me. They tried saying that she should have a sleepover or she should come stay with them but I have stopped it so far. Dunno how long that is gonna last. It seems like they especially my MIL wants to make up for the time she missed with her own daughter as she had to go to work. They have said the sames things to their other DIL @alongwiththesunshine MIL said . Funny that when it comes to their daughter's kids they don't say these things and it''s always 'oh she is the best mum, her children are very attached to her, they wont stay without her, she works so hard with them" . They can fuck the fuck off.

PrincessNutella · 06/07/2021 01:15

When my husband used to pick up my son at daycare, he remembers that he would see him playing with other kids, perfectly happy, but the minute my son saw my husband, he would burst into tears. It was as if he was holding in all the day's emotions until he saw his dad, and felt safe enough to let them out. That's what kids do.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 01:41

Good luck with the viewing on the Nursery OP, you're doing the right thing. Flowers

Brabraboo · 06/07/2021 01:47

How bloody disgusting of them to say such a thing. Am so pleased to read your dh backed you up in his response and set a boundary. Please don’t let this get in your head. An atrocious undermining of your relationship with your child for what benefit? To feel good about themselves? Weird!

Please don’t be tempted to think you’ve anything to ‘prove’ now either. I think I’d fall into that trap myself if it were me.

beentoldcomputersaysno · 06/07/2021 01:53

It's normal for a kid to do that but it does feel like a slap in the face sometimes! It's totally normal and your DD loves you to bits. It's good your DP gets it. I think he needs to go a step further and tell them to stop the theatrics at pick up time. That and the text are not on.

Tiari · 06/07/2021 02:07

When I first read this post I honestly thought Chiwi was the family pet, then I realised it was your username OP.
That just shows how bad that text actually was, I thought they meant not bonding well with a cat or dog!!! It's just awful Flowers

You have my full sympathy, my ex mil was similar but her digs were about my "suitability" as a wife for her only son.

Nursery is my advice too and short visits now and again with DD, but only when DP can go with you.
Good luck, but you don't really need it Wink

FortunesFave · 06/07/2021 02:21

Oh I would end it IMMEDIATELY. They're trying to undermine your relationship with your own child! DO NOT send her back there. That is absolutely out of order.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 06/07/2021 04:27

That text message is fucking disgraceful. If my parents sent me a message like that about my DH, I'm not sure I'd want to have much to do with them anymore. Very inappropriate and deliberately nasty.

I would be quite open with them that this is the reason that you won't be using them for childcare anymore.

hawkehurstgang · 06/07/2021 04:54

I'm another one who is furious on your behalf!

Mypathtriedtokillme · 06/07/2021 04:57

It’s more likely she is upset because she is finally around her safe person that she can unload all of those emotions on.

I found my toddlers, preschoolers and less often primary schoolers held it in all day and once home or with me collapsed into a tantruming emotionally overwhelmed mess because it was finally the safe space/person that they could.

DoItAfraid · 06/07/2021 06:10

Hope I am not too late as haven't read all the pages but wanted to say that:

  1. Your FIL sounds hard work
  2. So glad your DP replied backing you up
  3. Your MIL's text is horrific - it doesn't matter if it was egged on by FIL - she still sent it. That is awful. Someone said it above - underhand, mean and divisive. Absolutely no possible good intention behind it.

If it was me (I am very reactive) they would be waiting a good few months before they saw her again.

BUT I just wanted to mention that nursery is not some childcare utopia (used nurseries for both of mine) and I am raising this because of your job - nothing else. If she is ill will you be able to cover if it's one of your working days? Also the cost can be astronomical depending on where you life/earnings etc. Then there is all the bugs - Lord the bugs they catch ....

So all that to say while I 100% would whip my child away and walk off into the sunset and never return a better idea might be to send a very firm and clear text to both parents - referring to both the pick up protocol and then a further text saying how you and DP did not appreciate MIL's text and the insinuations there in and this has really hurt you and also caused you to consider terminating the current arrangements. If you word it politely but strongly (lots of suggestions already on the thread) and keep it clear and to the point (only mention your hurt in cold terms) - they may well realise what a mistep they have made.

Not cool though, PIL. Not cool. That was a dumb move! Hope you are ok OP.

DoItAfraid · 06/07/2021 06:11

sorry for typo that should be *depending on where you live

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