PIL childcare, driving me mad!

[Chiwi]

My PIL, predominantly FIL, provide ad-hoc childcare for my 18 month old. We work shifts so it usually works out 1 X half day per week. We planned to use formal childcare but cancelled her name from the waitlist at PIL insistence. It saved us money and I like the idea of DD having a lovely relationship with her grandparents.

I work part time so most of the time she is with me. I do bathtime, bedtime, most mealtimes, I am her constant. That's not to say her dad is useless, he is brilliant but works a lot and sometimes away, but regardless she adores him and he does lots for her when he is here.

She has been going to PIL for 6 months now. Initial reluctance but now she loves it there, constant attention and fun, no demands placed on her and she can have whatever she likes. Doesn't bother me, that's what grandparents are for and it's not often.

So my issue is; she has started throwing the tiniest strop when I arrive to collect her. They make a huge deal mock carrying her away saying 'you stay here with grandad', they've started it now before she even strops and almost wind her up into it. It's really starting to piss me off. They've also started now saying 'oh you're always excited to see daddy'. Obviously rationally I can think daddy and grandparents are exciting because she sees them less and they don't do the boring things with her as much. But it hurts a little.

Last night DPs mum text him and said 'we are a bit worried DGD doesn't seem to have bonded that well with chiwi'. I am so upset. We have a wonderful bond, she is affectionate, she trusts me, when she hurts herself or is poorly it is me she wants.

I want to change my work pattern to have my 2 days as set days and put her into nursery those days. I'm fed up of this from his parents. But I'm worried I'm cutting my nose of to spite my face?
AIBU to do that, should I suck it up?

What a horrible thing for your MIL to say! We have our 3 year DGS once a week and he began doing this when my DD arrived. My reaction has been to prepare him for mum's arrival and to encourage him to be happy to see her. It's worked a treat. Your PILs obviously get a kick out of it and if you do decide to stop the childcare with them it will be their own fault.
Tbh, I'd have a serious word with them first but if they didn't apologise immediately then stop the childcare arrangement.

I need to make a big apology

Let’s not go crazy here. A simple you were right dh might do.

How dare they say that? I would cease that arrangement immediately. FIL’s stupid behaviour at collection time will be upsetting her and spurring her on.

You have my sympathy, we seem to have the same twat for a father in law. Mine says things in a baby voice as though speaking for my child. It makes me want to punch him in the throat. “Mummy’s forgotten to change my nappy again. No wonder I have nappy rash.” Or “Mummy, I’m too hot in my swaddle, I don’t need to be wrapped up like this.” Or “My favourite Daddy is home! I’m so happy now.”

Seriously.

@Drivingmeupthewall ahhh yes perhaps you are one of my sister in laws 😂.

All the children love grandad obviously.

Thing is I am the newest to the family and have bought in to it all a bit tbh. Feel like a right knob now.

I am utterly furious on your behalf. What an outrageous thing to think, let alone say, let alone say to your partner! Really, really ugly behaviour from your PIL.

FWIW my daughter has a wonderful bond with her dad but will announce frequently, whenever he’s picking her up from nursery or whatever, “YUCKY DADDY. YUCK”, with all the venom and disgust a 2yo can muster. Strops and rejection are testing the waters and boundaries with the people they love most, plus no little kids like transitions, whether that’s from childcare to you, or from the equal delights of a plate of chips to Peppa Pig – it’s hard to understand one lot of fun is over and the next bit is starting, but that the first lot of fun isn’t over forever.

@Drivingmeupthewall

How dare they say that? I would cease that arrangement immediately. FIL’s stupid behaviour at collection time will be upsetting her and spurring her on.

You have my sympathy, we seem to have the same twat for a father in law. Mine says things in a baby voice as though speaking for my child. It makes me want to punch him in the throat. “Mummy’s forgotten to change my nappy again. No wonder I have nappy rash.” Or “Mummy, I’m too hot in my swaddle, I don’t need to be wrapped up like this.” Or “My favourite Daddy is home! I’m so happy now.”

Seriously.

Kill him. We'll help you.

That’s so annoying.

I look after my grandchildren one day a week and the 2 year old spends all day asking where mummy is (not unhappy), but when mummy picks him up he says he wants to stay with me - every. single. week.

We laugh about it, wouldn’t think it meant anything for a single moment.

Your DD has been able to build an attachment with her DGPs precisely because she has a secure, nurturing and loving relationship with you (primarily it appears) and with her father.

It sounds like she needs her DGPs to be someone she enjoys visiting, rather than them being in loco parentis.

I hope your nursery search is fruitful.

When they are little transitions are hard, it’s just a developmental fact, nothing to do with bonding.
The shitty text is just hurtful and destructive, such an entitled shitty way to behave.

Yep just to confirm, my kid never wants to leave his grandparent’s house. It takes about 45 mins to extract him. But if anyone was to suggest that indicated an inadequacy in my relationship with him I’d be furious!

'we are a bit worried DGD doesn't seem to have bonded that well with chiwi'.

What a horrible, bitchy comment. Really spiteful and unnecessary.

I would honestly cancel their childcare too - you can foster a good relationship between them without a childcare arrangement that leads them to make statements like that.

I would be absolutely raging with that comment!! what jerks!

However, you know that your DD loves you and she is happy with them. So if you can stomach being near them, why spend the money on childcare? I am sure that money is helpful.

Honestly I started reading your post thinking you were going to be unreasonable complaining about something small as there are so many silly threads on MN where people get free childcare from in laws and are so ungrateful and whinge about unimportant things.

However your thread is not one of those. I can't believe their comments and I am not surprised you feel the way you do. I haven't RTFT but hope your partner has responded appropriately and if you don't want to use PILs as childcare anymore in the circumstances I don't think that's unreasonable at all. What a ridiculous and horrible thing for them to have said and I can't believe they had the gall to say it as well.

So nice your DH has your back.

Think about how you would manage if your child is illl. How will you manage contact from now on? Your DD is bonded with them, so to prevent anxiety, she will need to be weaned off them as such.
Most of MN don't value family relationships, but they are important to children. Also they won't want to feel that they've been used while it's suited you. In the future you've got overnight and wrap around care, in them. I think you should have long addressed FILs theatricals. This could be sorted out. But it needs straight talking.

We had something similar with MIL. She would have DS one or two days per week, pick DD up from school, do lots of fun things, let them get away with murder, wreck the house, fill them with sugar. Annoying but whatever, we were grateful for her help. Then the kids started to kick off when we got home and she was leaving- partly because they knew it meant time for bath and bed, and partly because they were just crashing from the sugar high.

She told us she was really worried about them, that they were never happy with us, they were so lovely and happy with her then as soon as we get home they're grumpy and upset. She insinuated we were terrible parents, neglecting them as we never let the kids do anything fun etc.

I had to change my hours at work so that she didn't have to look after them again.

Are you sure it’s not the other way round? Sounds like she is getting upset at the thought of staying with grandad and mummy going without her.

Hi Chiwi,

Haven't read all posts but wanted to add my two cents (apologies if anyone has mentioned this already).

Your child might be throwing a strop when you come to pick her up because you, in fact, are her number one and she can completely let lose with you ie feels comfortable to strop in your presence. It's actually been found that children often behave better for other (non primary care givers such as your in laws) as they cannot 100% let lose. But because your child is so well bonded to you, she can be herself. After a long day 'behaving' at her grandparents, seeing you is likely such a massive relief to her that she completely let's her emotions run wild, ergo strop.

It's a compliment to you actually that she feels secure enough in your relationship to 'be difficult'.

You are doing fantastically. Also agree to place you child in nursery.

I'm so glad to read that your DH has your back. What an unpleasant thing for them to say.

DS used to hide under the table when I picked him up from nursery (what a previous poster said about kids struggling with transitions makes perfect sense in hindsight) and it really upset me even though I knew it was nothing to do with him hating me.

Blimey! How awful. Your DP is a total star though. Definitely nursery all the way, and get DP to tell them why.

I work part time, my dh full time. Our kids are mostly with me although when I am at work they are with their dad. He is just as hands on as me when we are both home. My dd went through a period of crying when I would on the odd occasion pick her up from preschool, wanting daddy instead. It hurt my feelings so I get where you are coming from. The message was unnecessary and I would be reinstating boundaries.

Dh would tell me how much the kids missed me when I was at work and on my days off they always ask if I will be home when they get back from preschool. I get big hugs when they come home. My dh had very similar views with regards to grandparents doing childcare for us as he didn't want any interference. I would listen to your dh, naturally he knows them better than you x

When DH and I looked after DGC usually 1 day a week we went to their house. DGS went through a phase of crying when Mummy left for work, but was fine afterwards. DD and her DH were home about 6pm and did bath/bed. We stayed and ate dinner together so we generally avoided the separation thing.

@fanfrozengrape yeah that sounds very familiar! Sounds awful, but also good to know it isn't just me that had to deal with this sort of shit.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I've been feeling quite emotional about it and your messages have made me feel loads better.

Yes, stop the arrangement before the drama queen training really gets going. Any decent grandparent would be supporting your bond with your DD, not being undermining and competitive.

I am thinking back to how my lovely late father praised DH's parenting and assured him of what a marvellous job he was doing fostering our PFB's emotional security and all-round genius. He knew my PIL were very critical of DH and wanted to be the cheerleader to compensate.

@Ponoka7 they've only been looking after her for 6 months and the stropping and theatricals have probably been going on for 6 weeks or so. I was able to give it an eye roll when it was that in isolation. So I'm not sure I agree I should have long addressed it. Also the difference now is she doesn't seem to start until he starts saying 'oh you want to stay with grandad' etc.

As for what would I do if she is unwell? What most parents do, cobble something together. I can WFH, not ideal but I can, DH can sometimes swap shifts. We both work in the public sector so- parental leave.

I don't need to be beholden to my PIL for childcare if that means I have to tolerate their faux concern for my bond with my child in order to value family. I've not ever suggested she can't see them or have a relationship, I just think the childcare aspect has made them feel they are entitled to pass comment and they're not. Which is exactly what my DP warned of and I think almost every other poster agrees.