PIL childcare, driving me mad!

[Chiwi]

My PIL, predominantly FIL, provide ad-hoc childcare for my 18 month old. We work shifts so it usually works out 1 X half day per week. We planned to use formal childcare but cancelled her name from the waitlist at PIL insistence. It saved us money and I like the idea of DD having a lovely relationship with her grandparents.

I work part time so most of the time she is with me. I do bathtime, bedtime, most mealtimes, I am her constant. That's not to say her dad is useless, he is brilliant but works a lot and sometimes away, but regardless she adores him and he does lots for her when he is here.

She has been going to PIL for 6 months now. Initial reluctance but now she loves it there, constant attention and fun, no demands placed on her and she can have whatever she likes. Doesn't bother me, that's what grandparents are for and it's not often.

So my issue is; she has started throwing the tiniest strop when I arrive to collect her. They make a huge deal mock carrying her away saying 'you stay here with grandad', they've started it now before she even strops and almost wind her up into it. It's really starting to piss me off. They've also started now saying 'oh you're always excited to see daddy'. Obviously rationally I can think daddy and grandparents are exciting because she sees them less and they don't do the boring things with her as much. But it hurts a little.

Last night DPs mum text him and said 'we are a bit worried DGD doesn't seem to have bonded that well with chiwi'. I am so upset. We have a wonderful bond, she is affectionate, she trusts me, when she hurts herself or is poorly it is me she wants.

I want to change my work pattern to have my 2 days as set days and put her into nursery those days. I'm fed up of this from his parents. But I'm worried I'm cutting my nose of to spite my face?
AIBU to do that, should I suck it up?

@TiredButDancing

I was reading all this and thinking PIL are a bit annoying with the "you don't want to go home do you...?" thing but the overall it's all good and surely a simply comment that it really upsets you and them when you have to deal with her being upset on way home and please can they work on it....

.... and then I read that ridiculous comment from MIL to DH and now I'm RAGING and I'm not even involved in anyway and I can't help thinking there's waaaaaay more to this than you're saying because for MIL to go over your head with such a passive aggressive message is totally OTT and not okay.

[also, I'd be pointing out to ILs that in our social circle it's generally acknowledged that children often cry when collected by parents because they're having such a good time. No one has ever suggested therefore that children should move in with their friends, or that they don't love their parents. Twats]

I did exactly the same. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I got to that bit. The utter cheek.

Glad your DH has dealt with it. That’s going to spectacularly backfire on the ILs

My children always started behaving a bit badly when I went to collect them from their grandparents, I was told they were absolutely perfect all day until I turned up. I would let the comment go, it’s nonsense and shows their lack of understanding of small children. I would tell them that the ‘winding up’ comments at pick up need to stop though, and they need to help your baby transition back into your care.

Glad your dh backed you up. I'd have been offended at that comment

Listen to your husband. They are still there for emergencies so don’t burn your bridges, just say you want her to have experience with other kids.

Just tell them that their remarks really don't help matters. They probably don't realise but if you say it nicely, they will behave accordingly.

It's not unusual for kids not to want to go home from somewhere if they have been having fun. You could tell them that too.

Too involved and you'll be so beholden long term.
Use nursery.

Crikey that's nasty
Many moons ago dd1 first day at nursery - she screamed her lungs out when I went to collect - so what! V Young children can't understand things - can be tired at end of day etc etc - if she was a good child carer (ahem like what I am! ) she would ring YOU up to check you were OK & having a laugh about it & tell you when something similar happened to her. Child care should be about team work & good communication

Oh @Chiwi what a nasty text but full marks for DH for having your back.

My concern is that they could be undermining you whilst your DD is there in their sole care-if they say things like that to DH what are they actually saying to your DD when you aren't around?
The worry that there would be subtle little digs and putting ideas in her head when they have her alone would worry me-especially as FIL behaves like that at pick up.

Would telling them of your concerns and that it can not continue like this or you will put her in Nursery help at all? Or just fan the flames?
If MIL more rational can you appeal to her better nature id they want to continue having her?

But you are def NBU here at all!!!!

I have just driven 20 mins home from my in laws with a 2 year old screaming no go home, the screaming lasted the entire drive home plus another 15 mins once home. It’s not because we haven’t bonded it’s because nannies house is way more fun than home. Your MIL is a dick!
I wouldn’t rely on them for childcare after the vile comment either

It's one thing to do the overreacting silliness when you are collecting, but to think about it to such a point that they send a considered faux(?) concern email makes them look like nasty twats tbh.

Good on your DH and nursury absolutely the way to go. Let him tell them and present it as a joint decision. Prepare for the drama of 'we never get to see her'. I suggest a penalty system for every undermining action - eg not getting to see dgc for a week every time they try it.

If you keep relying on them, this kind of behaviour and attitude from them will only get worse.

Time to pay for childcare!

I'd be a bit concerned that it's the first step towards alienating you from your daughter - whose behaviour is entirely normal for the age she is. Perhaps they're hoping their son will leave you, and those texts will show how you "haven't bonded" with your child, therefore he/they deserve more (if not full) custody.

Nursery will do your child more good than harm. It'll teach her social skills and so on, that time with her grandparents... won't. My own children came on in leaps and bounds in nursary in direct comparison to being at home with me/with their grandparents. If you can afford it/secure a place in a good nursery - go for it. Your child can still have a good relationship with their grandparents. Just hopefully not one where it seems that they're laying the groundwork for you being alienated from your own child.

My concern is that they could be undermining you whilst your DD is there in their sole care-if they say things like that to DH what are they actually saying to your DD when you aren't around?
The worry that there would be subtle little digs and putting ideas in her head when they have her alone would worry me-especially as FIL behaves like that at pick up

Good point @mumsiedarlingrevolta! Their attitude is toxic, and that's just the bit they let you in on!

Agree it’s an awful comment!
I’d also add that when my child is most insecure at school has been when he has cried at pick up. It’s all the emotion he has been holding in during the day and let’s put at me because I’m his safe person. It’s probably precisely because of your bond that she is crying. It doesn’t always mean children are miserable, obviously. It could mean they are over tired or just had a nice time. But when I was a reception teacher for years I definitely did not think “oh little Daisy must hate her mum because she is crying at pick up”. Horrible comment.

Wow. What an awful text. So glad you have a great DP and his response was perfect.

My DC used to cling to the leg of whomever's house we were leaving. Did it to the GP once too.

I've been having MIL childcare issues too, nipped it straight in the bud and put my son in nursery.

Definitely get your DC out of there before they start getting in your DCs ear undermining your parenting as well.

@Chiwi, it’s extremely common for young children to hate transitions. Mine would beg not to go to nursery/childminder, cry to stay when I’d pick them up, get upset leaving a friend’s house for a play date.

Don’t let PIL’s nasty jibe upset you. Your child obviously loves you to bits and FIL is talking out of his ass.

My Dad is exactly the same but with my DH. We have now reduced contact to 1-2 days a week where they babysit and play while I work from theirs (I feed / change him etc) and maybe another afternoon visit over the weekend.

Sorry for i pressed YABU but meant to press YANBU! I got a bit confused lol! They are being unfair and DP needs to address this. Sounds like the childcare is causing stress to you rather than being helpful!

Yesterday my 3 year old son wanted to stay with a complete stranger he only knew for 10 minutes rather than me. I wouldn't take it personally but I think you and your DH need to talk to your pil they behaviour is not on.

It's funny earlier I was thinking perhaps they don't know, don't understand how small children attach or express emotions.
But my lovely 13 y/o step daughter is here now and even she gets it! If my DD is securely attached to another human even closely as much as she is to me it's my DSD not my FIL. DSD will sometimes be the object of DDs affection sometimes she will get a big no!! If a 13 year old can understand that then so can a man in his 60s!

That text really was unforgivable

Who SAYS that! Ffs. Your h absolutely knew what he was talking about and yes, she’ll love nursery