To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

Your step mother should go to support your father.

You shouldn’t been the middle man trying to appease everyone and your own grief shouldn’t be discounted because their as parents is “greater”.
You mourn your sibling because your loss is as great as theirs.

Your mother needs counselling both for grief of the loss of her son and the grief for the life she thinks she would of had realistic or not and her bitter resentment at the end of her marriage 20 years ago.
She hadn’t moved on and been happy because she hasn’t wanted to.
You shouldn’t be expected to carry this emotional burden for her which is what you have had to do for the last 20 years.

OP are your feelings towards your stepmother your own or a projection of your mothers? Would you have disliked her as much if you hadn’t been fed a steady emotional diet of bitter resentment from your mother and having for fill the emotional void for her?

Everyone saying it's been over 20 years etc... I might agree if it was "just" an affair. But it seems the affair and subsequent split played a role in OP's brother's poor mental health, and potentially his subsequent death.

In other words, from DM's perspective, rightly or wrongly, OW and DH are partly responsible for his death.

She can't prevent him from attending, but I can understand why OW being there would feel like salt on the wound, in these circumstances.

At the end of the day the question is whether the OW's presence will do more harm than good. And in this situation I'd say yes. She can support DH before and after, she doesn't need to be there.

And to everyone saying she's weaponizing the funeral - I don't think she is, most of all she's hurting and lashing out. And isn't the dad doing exactly the same thing anyway ? Insisting his new wife be present when he knows it'll cause upset and he has other people present to support him ? He seems to be just making a point that his wife is family. Maybe not an unreasonable point, but it's hardly an appropriate occasion.

And to the pp who said he shouldn't be reminded of his infidelity like a dog who peed on the carpet - sorry but I have to be a little sarcastic. Yeaaah, if only there was a way to not be reminded of your own infidelity. Y'know, something simple, like... Not cheating ?

OP, so sorry you're having to deal with this. Despite everything I wrote above, I also think that this is not your job to keep the peace and you should leave them both to it while you grieve in peace.

She isn't the new wife. SM had been DF's wife for 20 years.

I have recently been to a funeral where there were similarities to this one. And the different parties, Step parents, grown up children etc who do NOT get on well in ordinary life, behaved quietly and with dignity and focused on the memory of their loved one. As they should have done.

If she doesn’t come I would sit between my mum and dad and be there for them both

In the kindest possible way OP this would not happen. Shepard's crooking your father's wife of 20 years out of the equation will not be without out it's own emotional consequences. Your father has also lost his child.

Your father's affair was a terrible thing. But this is a funeral and about the memory of your brother.

My heart goes out to you as you are in an dreadful situation OP. You should not be having to fix it. your DM's grief and bitterness is blinding her.

I think your SM should have the sensitivity and decency to stay away. If she had any respect for your brother, and for the wellbeing of the family she tore apart, she should have the respect, sensitivity and decency to stay away, it is such a small thing for her to do, and you should impress on your father that this is not about her - indeed I'd say that your brother wouldn't want her there anyway so why is she trying to prove a point going when she is not wanted, either by the deceased or the bereaved?

It's all well and good to say it's been 20 years, etc, but I think a funeral is not the time for her to push it or to insinuate herself where she is not wanted. It really is not the time to test it. Ask him for her to take the unselfish and decent path, for the wellbeing of the family and if he and she had any care at all for your brother and for you, and for the rest of the family, she would stay away. It's the least she can do.

@sunglassesonthetable

She isn't the new wife. SM had been DF's wife for 20 years.

I have recently been to a funeral where there were similarities to this one. And the different parties, Step parents, grown up children etc who do NOT get on well in ordinary life, behaved quietly and with dignity and focused on the memory of their loved one. As they should have done.

If she doesn’t come I would sit between my mum and dad and be there for them both

In the kindest possible way OP this would not happen. Shepard's crooking your father's wife of 20 years out of the equation will not be without out it's own emotional consequences. Your father has also lost his child.

Your father's affair was a terrible thing. But this is a funeral and about the memory of your brother.

My heart goes out to you as you are in an dreadful situation OP. You should not be having to fix it. your DM's grief and bitterness is blinding her.

your DM's grief and bitterness is blinding her

But this is not just about the DM. This is also about the deceased. The man whose funeral it is for, would not want him there.

What about about what her brother wants/would have wanted?

it seems the affair and subsequent split played a role in OP's brother's poor mental health, and potentially his subsequent death.

Exactly! While everyone is saying the mother should be over it, they are forgetting the funeral isn't about the mother. It's about the brother, who died. He had no relationship with the SM whatsoever, and resented her being around on the few times he saw his father.

I think people are losing site of the fact that the person whose funeral it is would not want him there.

It isn't always a question of hanging on to bitterness, I moved on and had a happy life with someone else, but although I always remained civil and reasonable to my exhusband, his self centred behaviour carried on, excluding his sons from events, letting them down, disregarding their feelings, yet he still expected loving dutiful sons. As I said in a previous post, my younger son died, my older son, now a 40 something father, struggles with depression. I just bear in mind that for us he is not trustworthy, my son knows not to rely on the promises of financial, or practical help which are often offered but do not materialise. So although I am not bitter, he is who he is, and given the choice, I would never be in his company, or hers, as she enables him.

The last sentence of that last post should say Would not want her there.

What about about what her brother wants/would have wanted?

Lots of posters are saying this but...

The OP stated My brother wouldn’t have wanted her there as had very little time for her but also would have wanted to please everyone and not cause any upset

Forbidding the the husbands wife of 20 years from attending would cause loads of upset and drama - my guess is that the brother would not have wanted that.

@BobLemon

Oh gosh, just seen your latest post. Shame on your DM for making your DB’s funeral about her.

What an awful thing to say. I have lost a child. The funeral was quite personal to me.

I think the continued use of the word 'affair' is odd. That may be how the OP's mother perceived it at the time.

While a relationship that starts when one of the parties is married will almost inevitably cause pain, 'affair' doesn't seem to fit given its duration. One could use alternative phrases. 'They fell in love' for example. Because a relationship that lasts for twenty years is a loving one.

We don't always love the people who our loved ones love - if you can disentangle that sentence. It would be unreasonable to expect that. But to show hatred and anger towards them only perpetuates the hurt. We harm ourselves more than anyone else.

Would your dad have other family members if his at the service and wake? Your uncles and aunts on his side? As it would be more natural for their to be 2 sides here, for people who have not mixed one assumes for 20 years? His wife would just be part of that group, like an uncles wife.

(Plus of course the friends group who wouldn't have much to do with the family groups beyond a brief introduction)

I'm so sorry for yourself loss OP. I can't imagine how much pain you are in. But please don't feel any guilt, it sounds as though you were a loving sister who your brother loved enormously.

Please tell your DF that you can understand both tour parents' stance on this, but you simply don't have the perfect answer and that they should come to an agreement between themselves, without putting you in this impossible situation.

While typing that last paragraph, it occurred to me that it is only one of your parents putting you in this position. Your mum. I completely understand her upset, but I'm sure that on the day there will be too much else on her mind and too much love for her to be distracted by someone who (hopefully with grace) is quietly supporting your brother's father.

If your Mother had remarried or had a long term partner, would you expect her to attend the funeral alone?
the woman is your father's partner of 20 years, he is entitled to have her there for support, whatever happened in the break up of your parents' marriage.

@Marty13 Or perhaps his poor mental health was due to his mother allowing her bitterness to consume her and not being able to prioritise the needs of her children. That very well could be the perspective of the father. It's absurd to say an affair 20 years ago was a contributing factor to this man's death. However living with a mother who is this self centred his entire life certainly could!

With all due respect, as the brother is deceased, nobody, not even the OP can say with any absolute certainty what he would want.

It's been 20 years, the family need to get a grip and take into consideration the feelings of a grieving father, regardless of whether he had an affair TWO DECADES ago. There's rarely one reason marriages break down and the OP's mother doesn't exactly sound like a picnic herself.

The mother needs to stop the emotional manipulation, because that it what it is, in the worst possible way (and she obviously has form for it, following on from the wedding - how many other occasions?). It's disgusting using the funeral of son to try and levy what she wants ie not having her ex-husband's wife there because she's still smarting from something that happened a lifetime ago. She sounds emotionally immature and it's nobody else's fault that she hasn't moved her life on and doesn't have a partner there to support her.

A lot of people here blaming the mum for her exes affair and sons poor mental health... if she was emotionally abusive before the affair then why didn't the dad act like a dad and put his child first and keep his dick in his pants until he could split from his wife without such a nuclear fallout? Maybe dm wasn't much of a mother but I don't think the father was any better tbh maybe they both contributed to the brothers mental health problems therefore neither should be at the funeral. Fuck em both and his "new" wife, poor kids.

O disagree that it's self centered to not want to be in the company of the woman who helped to break up your family, at your son's funeral.
The dad and his wife may well be in love, but I don't think you can always ignore how a relationship was founded. It does matter. It's not comparable to a relationship that formed after a couple divorce. Given that this is such an important and upsetting time, I don't think the mum should have to cope with anything extra right now. The dad will have his daughter and other relatives present.
I think a funeral is about the core family - mum, dad and siblings.

@CornishGem1975

With all due respect, as the brother is deceased, nobody, not even the OP can say with any absolute certainty what he would want.

It's been 20 years, the family need to get a grip and take into consideration the feelings of a grieving father, regardless of whether he had an affair TWO DECADES ago. There's rarely one reason marriages break down and the OP's mother doesn't exactly sound like a picnic herself.

The mother needs to stop the emotional manipulation, because that it what it is, in the worst possible way (and she obviously has form for it, following on from the wedding - how many other occasions?). It's disgusting using the funeral of son to try and levy what she wants ie not having her ex-husband's wife there because she's still smarting from something that happened a lifetime ago. She sounds emotionally immature and it's nobody else's fault that she hasn't moved her life on and doesn't have a partner there to support her.

On the contrary, it is the father and the SM that are being emotionally manipulative and disregarding the wishes of everyone else. The father and the SM sound vindictive, emotionally immature and like bulls who will force their way in, without regard to the hurt it causes the rest of the family.

The mother did nothing wrong, she was a victim, and so too was the OP and her deceased brother, who clearly would not want SM there.

It is the person who has wronged others - regardless of how long ago it was - (and it sounds like the SM has no remorse or sense of shame hence bulldozing her way into a funeral of a man who hated her) that should be the one to retreat. Father and SM were the one who caused so much hurt and pain.

And they are doing it again. For the sake of a family already grieving, they (she) should have suitable humility, remorse and sensitivity to stay away from a function she is clearly, ever so clearly, not welcome at.

Mind, I also don't think it's wrong to not want the OW at your child's wedding either. How can you celebrate family and marriage, if you don't respect what those things mean?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Mind, I also don't think it's wrong to not want the OW at your child's wedding either. How can you celebrate family and marriage, if you don't respect what those things mean?

how many times have you attended a second wedding when people saying vows clearly didn't mean them the first time as they are now marrying their affair partner. Happens a lot!

I don't think 'family and marriage' is being celebrated at a funeral.

In this case what is being marked is the life of a single person that has ended too soon. (It's not the funeral of some elderly person who has been with the same person for fifty years.)

Families - as Mumsnet shows - are complicated things. It's hardly unusual for couples to part company, for people to acquire new partners. This can be hugely disruptive for children, but good parents try to be resiiient, to rebuild their lives, and to shield children from the negative feelings that occur after marital breakdown.

Let bygones be bygones. She will be a support to your Dad and don’t have to talk to her a lot.

the SM has no remorse or sense of shame hence bulldozing her way into a funeral of a man who hated her

You just made that up. OP said
My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral
She probably doesn’t want to go, let alone do any bulldozing.

How do we know the mother did nothing wrong and is a victim? Because she didn't have an affair? (That we know of). There are three sides to every story.