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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

388 replies

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:45

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit Sad

OP posts:
Wanttocry · 05/07/2021 09:27

the SM has no remorse or sense of shame hence bulldozing her way into a funeral of a man who hated her

Oh come on, OP has said that her mum brought it up and her father walked out. There is nothing OP has said to make it seem like the stepmother is forcing her way into it. If she goes it will almost certainly be because her husband of 20 years has asked her to.

aSofaNearYou · 05/07/2021 09:28

Sorry for your loss OP, but YABU. It was 20 years ago, you've been petty to blame her for the divorce whilst forgiving your dad. He should be able to have his partner of 20 years there.

mbosnz · 05/07/2021 09:28

My concern would be the seating arrangements. As in, I can just see how awful it would be with Mother, Father, and his wife all in the family seating area. I would understand how that could be the outside of enough to Mother. And his wife is not a part of the deceased's family, or from the sounds of it, not a welcome part of it, anyway, and understandably.

Could a compromise be that if she comes either she on her own, or with her husband, sit elsewhere?

bellabasset · 05/07/2021 09:32

Condolences on the sudden loss of your db. I don't think your stepmother should attend in this instance as she wasn't close to your db. While many will say that your dm should have moved on after 20 years this is hardly the right time to bring this up. Your stepmother is there at home to support your df while your dm is alone.

burnoutbabe · 05/07/2021 09:34

I have attended funerals where i don't even know the person, to support my partner. maybe not i covid times but i thought numbers were okay now?

Mistymed · 05/07/2021 09:46

Can totally relate , i left my ex husband and he treated me appalling though the divorce . He often plan to take the children overseas at Christmas but make out i could have them and fly out xmas eve, he was extremely Spiteful , using threats with my children telling me , or setting up events where his GF would follow me and i would be no included in my sons Graduation. There is no way i could ever face seeing him again so i feel the same as your Mum . I would speak to your Dad and ask he respect that both your mum and he are the Parents of your brother I have bought him up. Your Dad can arrange a Separate memorial for his wife and him to attend . I also feel speaking with his Wife is a good option , start by explaining while you appreciate her supporting your father , with the hurt and feelings of your mother and you in consideration would she be able to attend a different event for your brother ? I am guessing she did not bring up your brother ? Did he have any relationship with her ? I think you need to consider his feelings in all of this as well.

Scrumbleton · 05/07/2021 10:05

So sorry for your loss- unbearable. As PPs have said - and gently- you need to move on as does your mother. It’s been 20 years! Your Father’s wife is his life partner and he should be allowed to lean on her to help him through this terrible time.

Mix56 · 05/07/2021 10:10

@NeonDreams

I think your SM should have the sensitivity and decency to stay away. If she had any respect for your brother, and for the wellbeing of the family she tore apart, she should have the respect, sensitivity and decency to stay away, it is such a small thing for her to do, and you should impress on your father that this is not about her - indeed I'd say that your brother wouldn't want her there anyway so why is she trying to prove a point going when she is not wanted, either by the deceased or the bereaved?

It's all well and good to say it's been 20 years, etc, but I think a funeral is not the time for her to push it or to insinuate herself where she is not wanted. It really is not the time to test it. Ask him for her to take the unselfish and decent path, for the wellbeing of the family and if he and she had any care at all for your brother and for you, and for the rest of the family, she would stay away. It's the least she can do.

This is my attitude. Your brother was never close to the woman, She is not a blood relation, She was part of creating enormous pain to your mother & you & your brother. She does not have to be there. & I do not feel the Ops mother is trying to control anyone, You could say the 2nd wife is marking territory
sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2021 10:32

You could say the 2nd wife is marking territory

or supporting the man she has been with for 20 years.

NeonDreams · 05/07/2021 10:36

@sunglassesonthetable

You could say the 2nd wife is marking territory

or supporting the man she has been with for 20 years.

He has his daughter/rest of the family to support him at the funeral. She doesn't need to be there to support him. She can support him at home.
aSofaNearYou · 05/07/2021 10:39

He has his daughter/rest of the family to support him at the funeral. She doesn't need to be there to support him. She can support him at home.

In your opinion. Maybe he feels closer to her and she is his "rock", possibly due to his family holding bitter feelings towards him for the last 20 years. He is also grieving parent, you don't get to dictate who is of actual comfort to him.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2021 10:40

He has his daughter/rest of the family to support him at the funeral. She doesn't need to be there to support him. She can support him at home.

with all due respect Neon, you have NO idea of who DD needs to support him. As you know from MN we are all many and varied.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/07/2021 10:46

Did you both go to your father and sm wedding @EllebellyBeeblebrox

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/07/2021 10:52

Who does mum have as a 'rock'? OW played a big part in the loss of hers.

aSofaNearYou · 05/07/2021 11:03

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Who does mum have as a 'rock'? OW played a big part in the loss of hers.
Whoever she wants?
Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 05/07/2021 11:23

I am mums rock. None of us went to dads wedding and don’t recall that we were invited even. I do really appreciate people’s condolences and their views, it’s helpful to read outsider’s opinions.

OP posts:
CBroads · 05/07/2021 11:28

For the people saying "it's his partner of 20 years" yes that might be so but you have to realise this is the woman who effectively broke their family up. Of course they aren't going be ok with her and rightly so. Your dad needs to man up and tell her it's not the place for her, it's almost a slap in the face that she thinks she deserves to be there.
If your dad wants to be a fairy about it tell him not to come, simple solution and he'll only have himself to blame.

hullaballoo19 · 05/07/2021 11:31

I'm so sorry for your loss op ❤️ I lost my brother 7 years ago in very similar circumstances (sudden, alcohol and mental health related). I can completely understand your feelings and wanting to defend your mum and not let anything make the day any harder for her. But I'm also kind of with the people who are pointing out that it has been 20 years, she is your dads wife and will be a major source of comfort for him on what will be one of the worst days of his life. I didn't pay attention to anyone at my brothers funeral except for my mum and my dad, because I cared only about grieving my brother and supporting my grieving parents. I don't think I actually even spoke to my stepmum, and I get on fairly well with her. I think chances are you won't even really notice her as your thoughts will be very much elsewhere. But I suppose all you can do is try and have a conversation with your dad about it. I hope the day goes as well as such a thing can x

Sssloou · 05/07/2021 11:33

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Who does mum have as a 'rock'? OW played a big part in the loss of hers.
The OP has suggested that her DB - then just a teenager was exposed to the DMs hurt 20 years ago and the OP herself from 18 has been leant on heavily by her DMs continued bitterness, stubbornness and unhappiness for 20 years and has not gotten over it.

This is emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional for everyone involved.

The DM needs professional emotional support now to survive this tragic loss on top of her already fragile state otherwise this will spiral dramatically and the OP, her children, family and life will be consumed by this for another 20 years.

It matters less what happens at the funeral itself but know that this loss will take its toll on you all compounded by the unresolved impact of the affair and divorce 20 years ago.

OP be careful with your people pleasing and peace making urges and that these are proportional and not triggered by enmeshment and unresolved family toxicity because this can keep you focused on the wrong people inadvertently enabling futile dynamics.

Please take time to care for and repair your own emotional well-being first as you have been exposed to an awful lot.

CBroads · 05/07/2021 11:39

@burnoutbabe

I have attended funerals where i don't even know the person, to support my partner. maybe not i covid times but i thought numbers were okay now?
Yeah but i bet you weren't the bunny boiler who broke up a family we're you? I think this situation is abit different.
aSofaNearYou · 05/07/2021 11:39

@CBroads

For the people saying "it's his partner of 20 years" yes that might be so but you have to realise this is the woman who effectively broke their family up. Of course they aren't going be ok with her and rightly so. Your dad needs to man up and tell her it's not the place for her, it's almost a slap in the face that she thinks she deserves to be there. If your dad wants to be a fairy about it tell him not to come, simple solution and he'll only have himself to blame.
People don't "need to realise" this at all. It's immature thinking. OPs dad broken their marriage up, potentially the mum too depending on what went down. If they forgive him they have no business ostracising his partner indefinitely.

In the scheme of things, I see who a parent needs to help them through the loss of their child as a far more serious issue than who certain adults don't want to be around because they are still upset about a relationship breaking down 20 years ago.

Blossomtoes · 05/07/2021 11:41

Ffs @CBroads, do we really need this awful sexist language? There are only two people who can break up a marriage and they’re the ones wearing the rings.

CBroads · 05/07/2021 11:49

From the sounds of the situation the father ostracised the kids after he got his new piece. The kids weren't even invited to his wedding. That says enough about him. His partner has no business being there, they obviously weren't close etc, whats the need for her to be there ? She won't be grieving

Scoobysdoo · 05/07/2021 11:52

Who broke the marriage up is immaterial at this point. This family have never accepted this woman and there is still residual animosity. Whether people think this is healthy or not is not relevant to the actual funeral.

What is relevant is that the grieving parents have the support and consideration they need to get through the day. The father will have his mother and siblings, the mother will have her family. That is enough support for an 1-2 hour event without causing further distress to an already fraught situation.

CBroads · 05/07/2021 11:53

@Blossomtoes

Ffs *@CBroads*, do we really need this awful sexist language? There are only two people who can break up a marriage and they’re the ones wearing the rings.
If she knew he was married then yes she is also to blame. The dad is selfish, he's demonstrated this by having an affair and breaking the family up, rather than seperating amicably. Even more selfish that he things his wife has a right to be at the funeral when the op has confirmed her nor her brother had a real relationship with the dads wife.