To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

rosinavera
She doesn't have to be over it in the sense that everything is brilliant and there's no hard feelings, but she can't hold her children hostage with her bitterness.
20 years is a long time to keep score and expect your children to keep picking sides so you can score points.

@isadoradancing123

Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?

exactly, plus it's been 20 years!

It’s inconceivable to me that the second wife would want to go to the funeral. It would be the kind of ordeal most people would run a million miles from. I imagine she’d rather have surgery without anaesthetic.

But would any of us really want our husband of 20 years to be alone at his son’s funeral? Really? I can’t believe anyone truly thinks bitterness and acrimony from two decades ago should override the massive grief of parents burying their son.

@ElspethFlashman

YABU.

I have also been married almost 20 years. I cannot imagine going through something like that without my spouse beside me.

This for me. I can't imagine going through the loss of my child (I can't imagine it anyway of course) without my husband there beside me.

I appreciate everyone is hurting so much right now but I think YABU. Your Mum needs to move on. I have this but the opposite way, my mum cheated and left when I was a child and my Dad still hasn't gotten over it and is incredibly bitter about it many, many years later. Honestly any sympathy I had is deteriorating as I get older and as the years go by. It may be harsh but sadly true.

I'm sorry about your brother.

It's not her child. She needs to be kind to your mum at this time

No he's not her child but he is her husband of 20 years child. 20 YEARS. If my husband needed me at a time like this I could not just bow out and put someone else's hurt from 20 years ago above his need for support through something so utterly awful.

Could you do that to your spouse?

It's a power play from the mother. Your father wasn't a packet of biscuits that your stepmother stole from Tesco's. No one can steal a grown man.

My aunt sounds similar to your mum. My uncle left her for another woman 15 years ago. My aunt has never gotten over it and her grief and martyrdom overshadowed my cousins childhoods. She will bang on to anyone who will listen about how he abandoned his children. He didn't. He saw them as regularly as he could and he supported them financially. Both cousins ended up deeply damaged individuals but as time went on and they got therapy it became very obvious the affair wasn't the issue....It took the family over a decade to accept this woman into our family out of loyalty to my aunt but honestly that did no one any good. Everyone should have encouraged her to sort herself out and stop using her children as emotional pawns.

@Milliepossum

I personally think the stepmother should not attend the funeral. She played one of the key roles in blowing up your family. Your mother has since then watched the devastation felt by your brother ever since, and it seems his attempt to deal with it with alcohol has killed him. People who say children are resilient and divorce doesn’t matter and are ok and the DM should just get over it haven’t been in the DMs position. Nor have I, but despite this, even I can see the stepmother has no business being there.

You don't know that was why he drank heavily. Stop making things up!

I think your stepmum should step back if her being there will cause that much added distress to parents

But surely this only takes into account one parent. OPs Mum.

Her father has lost his child too. He may need the support of his long term wife.

Nobody should have to bury their child, if having her there makes the situation even more unbearable then of course she shouldn’t attend. It sounds like neither you or your brother have any love for her and your mum doesn’t need the unnecessary upset. Sorry for your loss.

He tolerated her, at best. They had nothing in common and as he worked all over the country at various times he resented having to see her on the rare occasions he got to spend time with Dad.

My brother wouldn’t have wanted her there as had very little time for her.

These stand out for me and I think your brothers wishes need to be respected here regardless of how your mum and dad feel.
It's not easy and will cause upset, we had to tell family members they weren't welcome to my mums funeral because that was her wishes, but this day is about your brother.

I'm so sorry for your loss, please remember to look after yourself not just everyone else

Very gently YABU. Your father has been married to this woman for twenty years and it is entirely reasonable he would want her support.

If she had any sort of decency she wouldn’t expect to go. She can support your dad pre and post, and let your poor mother bury her child 😭

@LolaSmiles

rosinavera She doesn't have to be over it in the sense that everything is brilliant and there's no hard feelings, but she can't hold her children hostage with her bitterness. 20 years is a long time to keep score and expect your children to keep picking sides so you can score points.

I really don't think it's about scoring points. It's her son's funeral, she will have enough going on to get through the day without the woman there who was the catalyst of her marriage ending there

@Ohhyeahright

If she had any sort of decency she wouldn’t expect to go. She can support your dad pre and post, and let your poor mother bury her child 😭

I don’t imagine she wants to. She’d probably rather drink a bottle of bleach but most people would want to support their husband of 20 years, wouldn’t they?

💐💐💐

Your Mother is being unfair and mean. It’s 20 years and the woman is his wife. Telling her she can’t come is nasty and will cause lots of upset and drama. Surely your Mother will won’t to focus on the funeral rather than making drama where she doesn’t need to.

I was the child of a mother who held onto this exact same grudge towards my Dad- except in her case it lasted until the day she died, over forty years after they divorced. She also tried to let her bitterness dictate how family events went.

Your Dad had an affair. That was awful- but there isn't any reason why he should still be punished for it two decades later. Your mum, like mine, could have chosen to let it go, for her own sake as much as anything else.

Your Dad has lost his child too. He wants his wife there to support him in his grief. Your Mum chose not to move on and have someone of her own to support her.

You chose none of this. It's not up to you to play peacemaker- you have your own grief to deal with. Tell them both you are not getting involved in the discussions but hope they both make the right choices and then leave them to it.

OP, your mother saying that she doesn’t want your father’s wife there is nothing at all to do with your brother or her grieving. It is all to do with power and control.

If your brother was alive and celebrating a happy event such as getting married or a big birthday, she would say the same thing. I can tell that based on what you have already posted - they haven’t been in the same room for the last 20 years.

Your father doesn’t really need to be supported at those events. But at his son’s funeral, he does need support. And is entirely reasonable that he expects to get that from his wife of 20 years. For your mother to try and deny him that is, frankly, self centred and manipulative. And you shouldn’t be pulled into it.

Your father and his wife have been together for 20 years. Based on your parents break up happening when you started Uni, I would guess that your parents’ marriage was also around the 20 year mark. He is reaching the point where he has spent more of his life with your stepmother than with your mother. It is a long lasting legitimate relationship, not a flash in the pan. She should be there!

Also, I want to reiterate what Blossomtoes said - nobody wants to go to a funeral. She doesn’t want to be there! She would only be there to support her husband!

I really don't think it's about scoring points. It's her son's funeral, she will have enough going on to get through the day without the woman there who was the catalyst of her marriage ending there.

^I do get this. But she isn’t the only one who has lost a son, the OP’s dad has too and he understandably wants his DW there to support him at this difficult time. Her needs don’t trump his.

Either way, OP, you need to step back from this, you’re grieving your DB, you need to be focusing on that right now.

It sounds like an impossible situation OP. Tell your father it could be worse though - when my brother killed himself, my Mum partly blamed my Dad, who had left when we were young children. Consequently she wouldn’t allow him to come to the funeral at all. My Dad and his mother parked outside and sat in the car throughout the service, just to be close by. It was all really awful.
I feel for you OP, having to deal with this nightmare while enduring your own grief.

Yes, as Shodan says:

“You chose none of this. It's not up to you to play peacemaker- you have your own grief to deal with. Tell them both you are not getting involved in the discussions but hope they both make the right choices and then leave them to it.”

I think this is a reasonable approach.

This is always tough. This is your dads partner of 20 years, and he has also lost his son, juts as your mother has. I don't think it's fair to exclude her because your mum never got over the relationship breaking up 2 decades ago, this isn't a new relationship they've been married longer than your parents were. I wouldn't allow this to cast a pall over the funeral, your dad does deserve to have support there too- he won't be getting it from his ex wife, and you probably will be supporting your mum more than him- he needs someone there for him too.

Yanbu and anyone who says you are is clueless.

Shed have to be an utter bitch to attend. Having lost a sibling tragically at a similar age I simply wouldn't hold my tongue. Your mother comes first. Tell your stepmom to gtf.

OP, with all of my sympathy, I think you need to not worry about your dad, mum, or stepmom and allow yourself to grieve. They are all adults and can sort it out amongst themselves. Let you focus on you and what you need to get through all of this.

Very sorry for your loss. I do think your dad should be able to have his wife’s support at the funeral. Your DM has chosen to hold onto this bitterness for 20 years and you are all dancing to her tune, even now in the face of the worst possible kind of grief it is trumping it. Step away and let them be the adults for a change, personally I think your dad should be allowed support at his sons funeral.

How will your stepmother react to potentially not being invited? How did she react to not being at your wedding? If she is barred will she exclude you from future events of theirs which you might want to attend as your father's daughter? Would that be a problem?