To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

I have a horrific stepmother

I feel for you. I didn’t want mine at my wedding. But decided I’d be the bigger person. I 100% wish I hadn’t.

I think @DonLewis has wise and kind words here, OP. Your father has lost his son, and as much as I feel for you, no one's hurt can trump another's. Perhaps you could enlist a close friend for you to lean on so you don't feel you have to be the peace-maker as well as negotiating your brother's loss?

Twenty years is a long time.

Could your dads wife not sit with him at the funeral but further back ( ie not front row) or just come to the wake?

Your dad is hurting as well, and his feelings are as valid as your mums. He requested her to be there.

I’m so sorry about your brother.

Your stepmother should be there. She’s your dad’s very long term wife and partner. She and he shouldn’t be punished now for something HE did 20 years ago. Plus it doesn’t sound like this is what your brother would have wanted.

BTW I don't think a person who married someone's father is necessarily their stepmother in anything except technical terms if they did not do any kind of parenting role to that person.

DH was a grown man and married himself when his father remarried of course he does not think of her as his stepmother. She is his dads wife and he respects her in that role. We invite them over etc but he has no strong feelings about her either way. It would be different if he was a small child when he met her I guess.

I think in the case of a remarriage later in life 'stepmother' is a perfectly fine way to sum up the likely closeness of the relationship.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss OP.

I actually don't think it's as simple as 20 years going by and your mother should be over it - life is never that easy! Some people would be over it by now and some others wouldn't and that's ok. She's the woman he left your mother for and she's still alone. Like others have said he will be able to go back to his wife afterwards but she goes home to an empty house. I think his wife should understand this if she is a decent woman.

All the best to you my lovely xx

Sorry for your loss

As someone who has suffered the utter trauma of sitting through their own child’s funeral, I think your stepmum should step back if her being there will cause that much added distress to parents/ siblings.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
We recently lost a young member of our family under similar circumstances.

Please, let all family drama go for that day. Funerals are for the living and your step mum has been in the family for 20 years. Let it rest.

I'm sorry for your loss op. You know you dont have to be the mediator between your parents. Tomorrow you can let them decide how they manage each other at the funeral.

@LakieLady

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Your father has suffered a dreadful loss, too. He may need the support of his partner.

I agree.

I feel sorry for your mother but she should not dictate which family members can and cannot attend. I understand that the divorce was painful but it was decades ago.

It is a tough one and I think if I was the stepmother I either wouldn't attend or would be so low key that nobody would notice apart from supporting my husband. It is interesting that you still blame her for all the family hurt but not your father. It takes two to tango and it is always easier to blame the OW or OM than to have to face up to the fact that it was your father's actions that hurt your mum and you. OW does have some blame but it is unfair to make her carry it all. She also might be in a difficult position - potentially not wanting to go but being pressured by your dad? Perhaps a compromise might be attending the funeral mass/service but not going to the actual committal or burial? It is a horrible, horrible situation and I feel for you as someone who also lost her brother and had a ghastly situation similar to this. My stepmother used to tell lies so we would get beatings from my (already abusive) father so not my favourite person. Is yours of that sort of ilk? I just made sure we got to the church early and surrounded my mum on all sides with friends so nobody could say anything horrid or get to her. I met my brother's coffin on the steps of the church and followed him in. We did not attend the wake they had laid on but had our own in a pub not far from where the service was held. I am so sorry for your loss. Nobody really allows you to grieve for a sibling as all of the attention is on the parents and if you are anything like me, you will have been told to 'be strong for your mum' etc etc. I had to swallow my grief to get through it and make sure my mum got through it but it really screwed me up inside. If you feel alone with your grief, please ring CRUSE who are bereavement specialists. It is such a difficult problem and someone is going to get hurt one way or the other. I do think at times like this you all have to focus on the loss and not the vendettas playing out in real life. Defo the service because unless it is private, anyone can attend but keep the actual burial or committal to mum, dad and siblings. It wouldn't be right to allow all and sundry to attend (even people with tenuous links to your brother) that whilst excluding her.

What will your mother do if your stepmother does attend?

Is there some way of asking your stepmother to be sensitive by:

Not approaching your mum or speaking to her
Attending the service but not any event afterwards
Sitting further back rather than with the immediate family

Just a thought.

Your not going to make everyone happy with this sadly but at the end of the day it’s two parents who have lost a child and both deserve to have who they need there to support them.

Pop them at different sides of the room and have people as ‘buffers’ to make sure your mums time is entirely taken up talking to people she likes so she doesn’t have time to notice her

I'm so sorry for your loss. You don't need to try to mediate any of this.

Your DM's request is UR. I realise she is grieving but in a way she is also trying to send a clear signal that her grief trumps your DF's. They have both lost a child.

If your DM hasn't dealt with the end of her marriage 20 years ago then that is not your DF's fault or his new wife's. I have no doubt your DF hurt her horribly by having an affair but it is not healthy or reasonable for her to use that hurt after so many years to try to limit his access to support.
Perhaps you can suggest your DM goes to counselling to try to help her with the loss of your DB because her actions concerning your DF show that she struggles to move on from loss or negative emotions, and helping her access support would be much more worthwhile than trying to cut your DF off from his support imo.

@TourdeTarte

I would personally tell her that her presence is not wanted, and to attend the funeral would be enormously adding to the pain of the family.

But like it or not, she IS part of 'the family' on the father's side.

Firstly OP, I am sorry for your loss, and for the awful position all of you find yourself in, however, I am sorriest for your father's wife as she is in an invidious position. Sadly, she has had to live with this for 20+ years, no one sets out to break up a marriage and cause pain, and I think it is time to let it rest.

Why do I say this? Because once, my sister was that woman, my brother-in-law missed the weddings of all of his children, because his former wife threatened to make a scene if my sister went. She also stalked them on holidays to the point that they no longer told his children where they were going as she would turn up and even stay at the same hotels. My sister was with him and married to him for double the time that he and his first wife were together, when she died.

Having also lost a brother to an undiagnosed brain tumour, perhaps now might be the time to mend some fences and get to know her a little better? Remember there are two sides to an aisle in church, you could sit with your mum and she could sit with your dad, then all of you could celebrate and mourn your brother in you own ways, supported by those who you love.

I personally think the stepmother should not attend the funeral. She played one of the key roles in blowing up your family. Your mother has since then watched the devastation felt by your brother ever since, and it seems his attempt to deal with it with alcohol has killed him. People who say children are resilient and divorce doesn’t matter and are ok and the DM should just get over it haven’t been in the DMs position. Nor have I, but despite this, even I can see the stepmother has no business being there.

I’m sorry for the loss of your brother

But your dad will be hurting too

The Affair was 20yrs ago. He has been with the same woman since

You said if your mum had found someone it would be different

To lose a child, must be awful

Ive always said a parent shouldn’t have to bury their child

Your dad should have his wife there to support him

You say previously

I had hoped this would make people realise that life is too short to hold on to shit like this. Doesn’t seem so with my lot

But you yourself haven’t let go , you haven’t allowed yourself to forgive/like your step mum, but have your dad

He was the guilty one. He had an affair , why blame your step mum

Life is too short, I’ve buried a husband, was 37, due to mh depression and alcohol

I would tell your Dad , please don't bring X because it will only add to Mum's distress.
I'd also write a polite letter to X asking her not to attend because her presence will only add to your Mother's distress.

In case she still turns up, I would have Plan B in place so that after the service you whisk Mum away with a couple of close relatives to have a quiet drink in private, so she doesn't have to endure the post-funeral scene with X present.

This may sound horrible, but the funeral only matters to the mourners; nothing about it can hurt or disrespect your brother in any way. So, do what's best for your Mum.

I'm sorry about your loss , I know from experience just how shocking it is to lose a brother so young.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

It’s not about me moving on, I can tolerate her. My mum is already in agony and having her there will just make it worse

Don't have her there.

It isn't the mother's 'grief' talking, it is her ego. I highly doubt she is still so in love with the father after 20 years apart and him leaving her for someone else that she can't bear for the stepmother to be there because it is too painful a reminder. If that was the case, she wouldn't want the father there either. She needs to grow up and think about her remaining child/children and what they are going through at this sad time. She doesn't have to speak to the stepmother. It can be politely asked that SM stays well away and doesn't speak to the mother etc if in the same room. I am just sorry that OP has been put in such an untenable position at such a devastating time. Your relationship with your sibling is supposed to be the longest family relationship you have in your life. To have this added drama, and that is what it is, thrust upon her is just awful. I hope everyone can behave like civilised adults if for no other reason than to respect the brother's memory.

I don't think she should be there. It doesn't matter that it was 20 years ago - their relationship was formed by lying and cheating and hurting the OP's mum. The people responsible for that don't get equal consideration imo. If OPs mum never wants to see the OW then she shouldn't have to and certainly not at her son's funeral. The dad can go home to his wife - he can survive for a couple of hours without her!

Sending my sympathies and love to you OP. My brother died unexpectedly at 37. He took his own life so I truly understand about the guilt, being the survivor, the crap family situation. Please make sure you take care of you.

A similar thing happened to us but with a wedding. Dad and affair woman got married. Sister got engaged and asked for the sake of my mother he didn't bring stepmother to the wedding. Dad refused. Sister change her plans and got married abroad without him and just took me and mum.

If I were stepmother I'd bow out. It's not her child. She needs to be kind to your mum at this time.