To feel like mid life and perimenopause is really changing me

[Edenspirits]

I am about to try HRT to try and help with some of the symptoms of perimenopause as I am cross and grumpy a lot of the time (I am 48) but in a bigger sense, I can really feel and understand why it was always known as ‘the change’ as for me I feel like I am becoming a different person and it’s so strange.

• I gave zero tolerance for bullshit and thus worries me as I feel like I will end up living on my own with cats as people just annoy the fuck out of me 😬

• I just want peace & quiet! Sometimes i can’t even be bothered to think about stuff anymore - it’s like I feel tired of trying to work life out & just want to sit on a beach with books quietly forever (I still have relatively young kids at 10 & 13 so not really possible)

• all my drive for everything has gone. I feel like my old ambitions have changed and i no longer have ‘the chase’ in me for career etc. I just feel tired!!

• I fell out with a friend of over 20 years as she lied to me. I have no time for that kind of shite anymore and yet it’s something I might have let go in my younger years.

I am hoping HRT might help- I feel hardened by the world and I think it might be loss of nurturing hormones making me so much less tolerant!

Anyone else experienced this? It’s all so strange!!!

@Ginandtonic4all

Yes to all of the above. I hadnot connected the nurturing hormone bit. Makes sense. Am due to see doctors next week re HRT.

The roller coaster is incredible - yesterday morning I was feeling like I wanted to die, by the afternoon I was fine and happy planning holidays.

I feel like this a lot.

I am sooo tired. I go to bed about 9/ 9.30 and wake up at 3.30/4.30 . I am shattered in the afternoon so try to nap but have to do stuff for the kids, they are 10 and 13 and work 3.30pm to about 7pm . My daughter is a sweetie and so is my son but i have zero tolerance. My husband is being a star about me sleeping in another room because i was blaming him for waking up. I have zero maternal feelings for other peoples kids but i love my puppy. She is keeping me sane. I used to be a real people person but now they can fuck off.

@Whyamiwastingtime yes to all you have written! I completely agree!

Absolutely agree with this, OP.

I have completely stopped giving a shit about my career trajectory. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would happily quit work. I'm not as mentally sharp as I once was. Multi-tasking at work is killing me. I get stressed trying to juggle lots of little jobs and I'm forgetful, stressed and muddled. I honestly think I'm in a job that's a managerial grade above my current capabilities. The world seems to be speeding up and I can't keep up with it. Professionally I feel like a total has-been.

I'm lying in bed at midnight unable to stop my mind spiralling. Tons of anxious intrusive thoughts

My sex drive has fallen through the floor

My body shape has changed. Lots of fat is accumulating around my belly - which has never been a problem for me before.

I'm so fucking tired.

Started HRT a fortnight ago. Waiting and hoping for a change....

I’m glad I’m losing the nurturing hormone. I think I had too much of it before and always put myself out to take care of everyone! Now I’m much more selfish and I see that as a good thing. But then my DC are early 30’s. I no longer give a crap what others think, but again that’s a good thing.

I have noticed I am very intolerant of noise now. I wfh and I have silence all day long, no radio or anything. Which I love but the more silence i have the more intolerant to noise I seem to become. Which is difficult when it comes to socialising outside of home.

I also took a step back in my career but I’m ok with that. I have more time to do the things I enjoy and my current job is zero stress.

On balance I feel ok with the changes to my personality. I’m calmer and happier than I used to be. I suffer more from the physical symptoms. I feel resistant to HRT and I’m not even sure why. But I feel like if I’m coping (which I am) I’d rather just leave it until/if I really need it.

I think part of it might be normal mid life changes, as you grow and evolve as a person.

You'll see lots of posts on HRT, and it is uniformly positive. I'm on oestrogen-only HRT.

Your doc with review the situation with you
www.nhs.uk/conditions/hormone-replacement-therapy-hrt/risks/

I’m 42 and had a hysterectomy (kept ovaries)last year after having endometriosis and adenomyosis my whole life. While the chronic pain and no periods has gone, I feel like absolute shit. GP reckons my hormone levels are fine.

Haven’t reached the stage of not giving a shit anymore but I’m actually looking forward to that after having anxiety most of life

Oh yes. Falling oestrogen takes away our softer edges!

But losing concentration, confidence and developing anxiety is tough. Hrt is a game-changer for me.

One of our friends says she ‘sailed though’ meno but in fact has screamed at people for no reason, been very mean and is fast losing friends. I feel like saying ‘take some hrt!’ but would get an earful!

The rage and the constantanxiety, OMG.
When I read this article, I felt I could have written it:

Sometimes my own perimenopausal moods are more rage than anxiety. I woke up the other day and noticed that my husband had placed a couple of champagne corks on top of a picture frame. It made me want to start breaking things. What is this, a goddamned student house? In this state, I noticed things I had missed before: bags spilling out of cupboards, stacks of receipts and change on a table, my son’s stuff everywhere. “It’s like living in Hoarders!” I ranted. If I’d had a pack of matches I could have burned the place down.
www.theguardian.com/society/2020/mar/01/surviving-perimenopause-i-was-overwhelmed-and-full-of-rage-why-was-i-so-badly-prepared?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

How I wish I had some of these feeling in my 20/30’s I was way too caring and accepting crap behaviour towards me

But the down side for me is the tiredness on Sundays I am sleeping on and off all day have given into it as I feel I need it and the brain fog mmm what was I just about to type ....

Yes I have changed as a person but the personality chance I am liking

I told DH about this thread. His reaction: It wouldn't hurt to speak to our GP about HRT. I must be completely unbearable. [Holds her head in shame]

The GP wouldn't even see me when I sprained my ankle, so I will not hold my breath.

I am in this club too.

Physical symptoms of peri-menopause very mild and barely noticeable - no night sweat horrors or VA or period issues - but the mental changes have been devastating and I feel like I've lost myself. Anxiety casts a shadow over everything, so it's easier to do nothing than plan things and then wake up at 3am in a panic about them. I can be sitting having a meal with family and be suddenly swamped with utter despair. I have a list of things I need to do and days slip by without me being able to muster the energy to do anything. My inner landscape has changed and the spark has gone out, so that my libido has dropped off a cliff and I no longer have that creative imagination that adds colour and interest and joy to life. I've become massively cynical and negative. I've always been a voracious reader and most books annoy the crap out of me now. I work in a creative industry and am absolutely floundering in my professional life. It's like I'm having to fake it, and am just mimicking what others are doing to look like I'm on top of things, when before I was at the top of my field. (This last one is the worst thing for me.)

As a pp mentioned, I don't know how much of this is hormonal and how much is pandemic and its knock-on effects (my adult dc have returned to live with us, which is proving very challenging in numerous ways.) I spent £££ on a private appointment at a menopause clinic, hoping for specifically tailored advice on whether HRT would help, but was immediately given a prescription with an airy assurance that it would. I didn't want to start it the same month as I had the covid jab, so have put it off and still haven't taken the plunge as I really don't know if it's worth running the gauntlet of physical side effects for something that is so much in my head. If anyone has any insight into whether HRT can really reverse these mental/mood changes I'd love to know.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with your list 😀

I have 6 cats , having zero tolerance for bullshit is not a bad thing - ditto getting rid of bad friends or wanting to sit and read - I often go all weekend without seeing people - it’s bliss

But yes HRT helps - I’m 51 and feel great on it - but I’m still an anti social cat lover

I'm very interested in stories about professional difficulties related to menopause. In more youthful or male oriented professions, it seems particularly hard so @BeforetheFlood you have my full sympathy.
I've seen many women opt out of the workforce at this point, sometimes as they were approaching their peak too. It is chronic that there isn't more research into what works best.
Ironically it seems that those who stick with it tend to have a wonderful final decade of professional life as they've lost the "give a shit" gene that crippled them in earlier years.

I’ve limited myself to 2 cats. I can argue that it is better for them, company etc. They came from the same litter so it is nice for them. If I allowed myself any more I’m not sure where it would end! They are lovely company though. I probably do prefer them to a lot of humans at this point.

@BeforetheFlood

I am in this club too.

Physical symptoms of peri-menopause very mild and barely noticeable - no night sweat horrors or VA or period issues - but the mental changes have been devastating and I feel like I've lost myself. Anxiety casts a shadow over everything, so it's easier to do nothing than plan things and then wake up at 3am in a panic about them. I can be sitting having a meal with family and be suddenly swamped with utter despair. I have a list of things I need to do and days slip by without me being able to muster the energy to do anything. My inner landscape has changed and the spark has gone out, so that my libido has dropped off a cliff and I no longer have that creative imagination that adds colour and interest and joy to life. I've become massively cynical and negative. I've always been a voracious reader and most books annoy the crap out of me now. I work in a creative industry and am absolutely floundering in my professional life. It's like I'm having to fake it, and am just mimicking what others are doing to look like I'm on top of things, when before I was at the top of my field. (This last one is the worst thing for me.)

As a pp mentioned, I don't know how much of this is hormonal and how much is pandemic and its knock-on effects (my adult dc have returned to live with us, which is proving very challenging in numerous ways.) I spent £££ on a private appointment at a menopause clinic, hoping for specifically tailored advice on whether HRT would help, but was immediately given a prescription with an airy assurance that it would. I didn't want to start it the same month as I had the covid jab, so have put it off and still haven't taken the plunge as I really don't know if it's worth running the gauntlet of physical side effects for something that is so much in my head. If anyone has any insight into whether HRT can really reverse these mental/mood changes I'd love to know.

My guess is your prescription is just for 2-3 months? So why not try it and see if it works for you? You can always stop after that?

Personally I think it would help with your anxiety and quality of life

@BeforetheFlood

I am in this club too.

Physical symptoms of peri-menopause very mild and barely noticeable - no night sweat horrors or VA or period issues - but the mental changes have been devastating and I feel like I've lost myself. Anxiety casts a shadow over everything, so it's easier to do nothing than plan things and then wake up at 3am in a panic about them. I can be sitting having a meal with family and be suddenly swamped with utter despair. I have a list of things I need to do and days slip by without me being able to muster the energy to do anything. My inner landscape has changed and the spark has gone out, so that my libido has dropped off a cliff and I no longer have that creative imagination that adds colour and interest and joy to life. I've become massively cynical and negative. I've always been a voracious reader and most books annoy the crap out of me now. I work in a creative industry and am absolutely floundering in my professional life. It's like I'm having to fake it, and am just mimicking what others are doing to look like I'm on top of things, when before I was at the top of my field. (This last one is the worst thing for me.)

As a pp mentioned, I don't know how much of this is hormonal and how much is pandemic and its knock-on effects (my adult dc have returned to live with us, which is proving very challenging in numerous ways.) I spent £££ on a private appointment at a menopause clinic, hoping for specifically tailored advice on whether HRT would help, but was immediately given a prescription with an airy assurance that it would. I didn't want to start it the same month as I had the covid jab, so have put it off and still haven't taken the plunge as I really don't know if it's worth running the gauntlet of physical side effects for something that is so much in my head. If anyone has any insight into whether HRT can really reverse these mental/mood changes I'd love to know.

I saw someone at the Newson health clinic privately (the same clinic run by Dr Louise Newson who is the menopause specialist frequently quoted all across the media etc busting myths about HRT). They were very good but like you I just came away with a prescription for HRT (oestrogel and utrogestan) and £500 later (cost of appointment and prescription itrems and follow up) i then found my endocrinologist wanted me to stop the HRT as despite it making me feel mentally better it was affecting my pituitary results and other autoimmune conditions. I think quite often the private clinics focus on treating the symptoms of menopause without really understanding how these hormones affect the whole body, especially if you have other complex conditions as well. I now feel I am back to square one as my endocrinologist won’t speak to the private menopause specialist and I can’t get any proper advice from anyone, they both contradict each other.

@Savoury

I'm very interested in stories about professional difficulties related to menopause. In more youthful or male oriented professions, it seems particularly hard so *@BeforetheFlood* you have my full sympathy. I've seen many women opt out of the workforce at this point, sometimes as they were approaching their peak too. It is chronic that there isn't more research into what works best. Ironically it seems that those who stick with it tend to have a wonderful final decade of professional life as they've lost the "give a shit" gene that crippled them in earlier years.

I'm in the public sector and we have a menopause policy in place to support women in the work place - all managers have mandatory training and adjustments should be made such as more flexible working

Thanks so much for responses - sorry for thread hijack! I feel a bit of a fraud Savoury as I know so many women face awful physical menopause-related obstacles at work, like horrendous hot flushes or period flooding, whereas mine are all inside my head. It feels like my brain has been switched with someone else's, with a crucial part missing. I look at my previous work and think, wow - that's good, but am a million miles away from being able to produce to that standard now. I'm encouraged by the idea that, after a period of readjustment, I may be able to come back stronger!

There are a few things stopping me from taking the plunge with the HRT Newgirls. I didn't want to confuse things by having the covid jab at the same time as starting, and in case of side effects from either and not knowing what was causing what. The HRT I've been prescribed is the Oestrogel and on/off progesterone, and the timing of starting this month would mean I'd be on the progesterone bit when we go on a long-awaited, much needed holiday, so I was put off by stories of morning sickness type symptoms being common. More generally, I'm kind of concerned that I may have barely started peri-menopause yet and all of this is because of life pressures to do with the pandemic and the massive lifestyle change its brought about, and messing with my hormones at this stage might make things a whole lot worse. I feel I'm just about coping at the moment, and am terrified of tipping things the wrong way. But you're absolutely right - the only way to find out is to try it. We've just undergone another big shift in our home routine thanks to one of the dc, so I'll give it another month for the waves of that to settle and then give it a go.

Bagels it sounds like our experiences were very similar. Same clinic, same cost (for drugs which are sitting in a box in my bathroom cupboard! Oof.) I'm so sorry it's been such a frustrating waste of money for you, and you are thwarted again in your attempts to just get answers and the right care for you. My impression is that the USP of these private clinics is giving HRT to women who have previously been fobbed off by their GP, but they've just switched the default 'no' to a default 'yes' which can be equally unhelpful for some women. I really hope you manage to break the deadlock somehow. Have you tried emailing the Newson clinic?

I hit 40 and started to feel exactly as you described. It had nothing to do with hormones in my case just midlife. I'm 52 now and no sign of any menopausal symptoms as yet.
I also think the tone of some people on here is verging feeling smug about their superiority to those not on HRT and it's properly shit. Many people can't take it or it doesn't suit them. Not much solidarity there sisters.
I speak as someone who is more than keen to try it when I need it.

For me the main thing about the menopause has been problems sleeping and lack of sex drive, when I was younger I was a bit 'chained to a lunatic' in respect of my sex drive so actually it's a relief.
Not being able to sleep is a great excuse to start using cannabis again so all in all I'm pretty happy 😇

Feel your pain op. I've been offered HRT , but resisting it.
It's hell and the apathy is awful.
Cant be bothered most of the time. Depressed , grumpy. It's horrible! I've ' changed ' I think

The lack of sleep is a killer.
Oh to sleep like a teenager again !

@the80sweregreat why are you resisting HRT? Your oestrogen levels are falling, hence the symptoms, the hrt replaces them….

I'm an over thinker anyway , so all this is hell lately.
It's not called 'the change' for nothing.
It really can mess up your life I think.
Men just have ' mid life crisis' and meet a younger woman or buy a sports car :( ( not all of them, but that's how they deal with it I suppose)