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Original poster

Red flag or just a bad time?

144 replies

Foodlovelyfood33 · 03/07/2021 20:30

Been on 4 dates with a guy. I like him, we get on well, find him attractive. But he told me on our 3rd date that he was arrested and found innocent for attempted rape. He said he wanted to be honest. I am not too sure how I feel about it.

He said he went on a few dates with a woman a few years ago. He went back to hers and they started kissing and watching a movie. She was getting really drunk and he said he didn’t want to have sex with her that drunk. Said she flipped got nasty, called her friend and said he was horrible and he then left in a taxi. 2 days later she reported him to the police and said she thinks he sexually assaulted her as she can’t remember. He said the 2 days between she kept texting him saying he rejected her and missed best night of his life and then saying she can’t remember.

It went through a 6 month investigation - he said delayed as forensics took ages. He couldn’t work and was on medication lost friends etc. It was dropped as police said her story didn’t add up and seemed revengeful no evidence to suggest anything happened.

He hasn’t dated much since as he said took him ages to trust people again. I have nothing to base the story on. Is it true or not? Just he was arrested and found innocent on sexual assault and his description.

Based on out interactions i wouldnt think so, but I don’t know him. He has always waited for me to make the first move. So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head.

OP posts:
CatsArePeople · 03/07/2021 20:54

Tough one. At least, he came clean to you early enough. On the other hand i'd struggle to believe his story.

Peeceandquite · 03/07/2021 20:57

Sadly I know a women who did something similar so I wouldn't necessarily disbelieve him.

I would listen to your gut.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 03/07/2021 21:00

I'd move on. There are 4bn men in the world, I'd find another.

RedHelenB · 03/07/2021 21:01

I'm really not sure. Do you believe him?

MistyFrequencies · 03/07/2021 21:02

I don't know. His story doesn't ring true to me but that's just seeing it written....did it seem true to you when he told you face to face?
I have an acquaintance who was reported for rape. To meet him you would never think "rapist" and no formal charges progressed but he 100% raped her, he had sex with her despite her being so drunk she was vomiting earlier, no way she could consent. His story is different though, he says she consented and only reported him after because her boyfriend found out ...
Tough situation so you're going to have to trust your gut.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/07/2021 21:02

Well he wasn't 'found innocent' Hmm

It either went to court and he was found not guilty in England

Or it was dropped

Which was it ?

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 21:05

A red flag is something you feel, not something somebody does or says.

Nobody can tell you if his story is true or not. Nobody can tell you how you feel, and whether you can accept what he's said.

But anybody who is posting 'Is this a red flag or not' after 4 dates, for any reason at all, should leave. Healthy relationships don't start off with the 'Maybe this guy is a dangerous liar' feeling.

HalzTangz · 03/07/2021 21:06

I think he's probably telling the truth. Especially as you mention he hasn't acted inappropriately with you

I think if he was guilty (even if found innocent), he would have kept it to himself.

exybusiness · 03/07/2021 21:10

@HalzTangz

I think he's probably telling the truth. Especially as you mention he hasn't acted inappropriately with you

I think if he was guilty (even if found innocent), he would have kept it to himself.

Not necessarily. It's possible he's worried this would get out anyway so he's getting ahead of the story to set out his version.

I'm not saying he's guilty but we don't know he didn't do it either. I'd move on.

Awalkintime · 03/07/2021 21:12

Most accusations are true it is very rare for an accusation to be malicious. To put it into perspective 1% of all reported rapes result in a conviction so 99% are walking away. You are more likely to get a male raped by a male than a female making a false claim.

I reported a rape and had a confession and the person who raped me didn't even get arrested. That kind of puts it into perspective when those with solid evidence are not even getting an arrest. The CPS have an agenda which means that only those that are almost conclusive will be investigated so that to me says a lot that those with a confession can't get an arrest and in light of the CPS shit agenda, he was arrested. Hmmm?

Also you can't be found innocent, only not guilty which is not the same thing. It didn't go to court so he wasn't found innocent at all. The case was dropped and this can be for many reasons including that the victim felt unable to carry on with the case.

ScottishNewbie · 03/07/2021 21:12

Growing up, a woman accused one of my close friend's dad of assault. Police came and took him away in front of his kids.
Turns out, she had asked to start an affair and he rejected her. Everything was dropped, but the damage had been done and a lot of the community turned against him and his wife for not believing the allegations.
Some awful people have no qualms about lying and ruining people's lives.
But.
This may or may not be the case with him. I would trust your instincts.

DrManhattan · 03/07/2021 21:13

I've also known someone who made something up like this as 'revenge'
Don't know, don't know the guy. It's too hard to say.
If it is true, do you want to deal with all his trauma dumping for the next year at least ?

SummerHouse · 03/07/2021 21:14

Call 101. Ask under the domestic violence disclosure law (also known as Claire's law) if they can tell you anything about him. See what they say.

tulippa · 03/07/2021 21:16

I think he's told you this story to preempt things in case you find out about the arrest later on.
Loads of rape cases get dropped. Doesn't mean that the rapes didn't happen.
I wouldn't carry on with the relationship.

Kayl23 · 03/07/2021 21:16

Is there anyway you could ask about police records? I'm not sure if this sort of thing comes up on a Claire's Law search but I would have thought it would. Then again, I suppose that still might not clarify whether he actually did it or not. I think you're really going to have to go with your guy on this one, but I would say it's a good sign that he told you about it early rather than hoping you'd never find out!

ILoveMyCaravan · 03/07/2021 21:18

Claire's Law without a doubt.

Hillaria · 03/07/2021 21:18

Agree with PP. There are billions of men to choose from. I wouldn't choose one with anything potentially dodgy of this nature.

Leaving aside the rape/not rape problem, I'd wonder about his judgement generally, and whether he made a habit of going home with women after only a couple of dates. I wouldn't entertain a man who did that.

JengaJuice · 03/07/2021 21:21

I’d also advise 101 for Claire’s Law disclosure, given that he said that it was reported to the police.

Not the same thing, but I was dating someone who disclosed a story that didn’t really ring true (where he was the victim but had been involved in the police investigation) after I’d said that I’d do a Claire’s Law disclosure on anyone that I was seeing. I stopped seeing him as something in gut didn’t feel right. We stayed friendly though and then after about 18 months or so it started up again, but there was still something not right. I did a Claire’s Law disclosure and the police disclosed a different story to me - elements of it were the same, but it changed the entire narrative.

Honestly - I know that people do some weird shit, and only you can make the call, but after my experience I’d say goodbye!

BrilliantBetty · 03/07/2021 21:23

I don't know anyone that made something like this up. It's strange that so many do?
But I do know several women who have been assaulted / threatened / abused/ raped where their cases have been dropped from lack of evidence or because the CPS just don't think it's worth perusing. Because it's often very hard to prove sexual assaults or attempted assaults.

No doubt the perpetrators are saying they were 'found innocent'. Not quite true.

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 21:25

If you're asking on here..

it's already OVER

let the guy move on and find someone who trusts him. 🌸

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 21:26

@Hillaria

Agree with PP. There are billions of men to choose from. I wouldn't choose one with anything potentially dodgy of this nature.

Leaving aside the rape/not rape problem, I'd wonder about his judgement generally, and whether he made a habit of going home with women after only a couple of dates. I wouldn't entertain a man who did that.

You saved yourself for marriage.. Good for you🌸

Hillaria · 03/07/2021 21:29

No, @QueenBee52 , but I prefer to shag people whom I've got to know first. The men I've been involved with have been similar to me in this respect. Each to their own.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 21:31

I'd be suspicious of why the investigation took so long if he had messages saying he'd rejected her etc and she couldn't even remember whether he'd assaulted her or not. The police wouldn't entertain it if it was that straight forward.

I'd say there's definitely some parts of the story he's not being honest about and wouldn't choose to continue to see someone like that.

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2021 21:33

Hell no

I’m sure you can find a man who hasn’t been accused of rape to date. Raise your bar

QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 21:34

@Hillaria

No, *@QueenBee52* , but I prefer to shag people whom I've got to know first. The men I've been involved with have been similar to me in this respect. Each to their own.
Riiiiight 🤣