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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Red flag or just a bad time?

144 replies

Foodlovelyfood33 · 03/07/2021 20:30

Been on 4 dates with a guy. I like him, we get on well, find him attractive. But he told me on our 3rd date that he was arrested and found innocent for attempted rape. He said he wanted to be honest. I am not too sure how I feel about it.

He said he went on a few dates with a woman a few years ago. He went back to hers and they started kissing and watching a movie. She was getting really drunk and he said he didn’t want to have sex with her that drunk. Said she flipped got nasty, called her friend and said he was horrible and he then left in a taxi. 2 days later she reported him to the police and said she thinks he sexually assaulted her as she can’t remember. He said the 2 days between she kept texting him saying he rejected her and missed best night of his life and then saying she can’t remember.

It went through a 6 month investigation - he said delayed as forensics took ages. He couldn’t work and was on medication lost friends etc. It was dropped as police said her story didn’t add up and seemed revengeful no evidence to suggest anything happened.

He hasn’t dated much since as he said took him ages to trust people again. I have nothing to base the story on. Is it true or not? Just he was arrested and found innocent on sexual assault and his description.

Based on out interactions i wouldnt think so, but I don’t know him. He has always waited for me to make the first move. So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head.

OP posts:

Mummadeze · 04/07/2021 08:05

I feel sorry for him if his version is true because it sounds like 90% of people now won’t trust him anyway. I also know someone who was falsely accused. I definitely believed him, and luckily he has been happily married for 20 years now and is and always was a lovely person. It is a tough one OP but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you can find out more though, it would be good to put your mind at rest.

SquashMinusIsShit · 04/07/2021 08:06

There was a thread on her a while ago, the OP 's male.friend was accused of rape/sexual assault with an almost identical version of events which makes me think it sound like a 'script'

It.is also well known/documented that women contact their rapists after the event but it doesn't mean they weren't raped.

pigeonpies · 04/07/2021 08:09

Going against the grain but give this guy a chance if everything about him so far has been legitimate. He's been upfront, take it slow and judge each interaction with him as you go. Just like you should when dating anyone new.

All those saying find someone else who hasn't been arrested etc. The stats show that approx 85,000 women experienced rape, attempted rape, sexual assault in 2017 and only 15% were actually reported. That leaves 72k men out there, ready for dating and none of us would have a clue. You could all be dating one right now.

The truth is you never know someone got real. People can and do lie about anything and everything and often get away with it. You'd never date again if you knew the risk the stats of every crime committed against a woman.

Just be aware and cautious with everyone, not just this one guy. But not so cautious you end up alone

tttigress · 04/07/2021 08:21

I think it sounds true, there are some crazy people about.

I would continue, but maybe be a little cautious.

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 08:22

@Shoxfordian

Hell no

I’m sure you can find a man who hasn’t been accused of rape to date. Raise your bar

The bar doesn’t need raised if he’s telling the truth.

If he is telling the truth then using your logic this man will never have a relationship again because this woman lied.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 08:46

So you are saying a man who has had a false allegation made against him can never ever contemplate having a relationship or family

Do you have sons?

Ahh yes, never forget, the true victims are men 🙄

Men shouldn’t rape, then all these poor, definitely innocent men mentioned on this thread, that go against all statistics, wouldn’t have to worry about being believed. This is a man made problem, and no, women shouldn’t be expected to put themselves at risk because of it. We don’t owe men a relationship.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 08:48

If he is telling the truth then using your logic this man will never have a relationship again because this woman lied

No, it’s because men rape, are rarely convicted and women aren’t test crash dummies.

ohthatbloodycat · 04/07/2021 08:51

Oh my goodness, how awful for him if he is telling the truth. That situation really is the stuff of nightmares.

ohthatbloodycat · 04/07/2021 08:53

Leaving aside the rape/not rape problem, I'd wonder about his judgement generally, and whether he made a habit of going home with women after only a couple of dates. I wouldn't entertain a man who did that.

Really? I know of no man who would turn that down

3scape · 04/07/2021 08:59

08:53ohthatbloodycat ah the toxic 'men can't control themselves' reason to excuse rape.

Rutennotou · 04/07/2021 09:00

Hi OP. My OH was accused of rape over a decade ago. It was his girlfriend at the time and she accused him after they had sex for the first time after being together for a few months. The case went to court and was adjourned and moved to different courts for over two and a half years as she wouldn't show up and refused to testify etc. Eventually one of the judges sent the police to her house to bring her to court and she refused so the case was thrown out. A couple of years later she accused someone else of the same thing. My OH told me on our second date so I could make a decision. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and make up my own mind about him. I can't imagine he would ever do that to someone. We are now engaged with a baby. I would just trust your gut on this OP, I just wanted to share my story as I've been in your position. Good luck x

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 09:02

@Naunet

If he is telling the truth then using your logic this man will never have a relationship again because this woman lied

No, it’s because men rape, are rarely convicted and women aren’t test crash dummies.

Thankfully we don’t all judge all men as the same, hopefully, if he’s telling the truth, this man will find a woman who treats him as an individual.

Annabellerina · 04/07/2021 09:04

If she was texting him saying he rejected her in the couple of days before she reported him, wouldn't that have been clear cut evidence? Yet it took 6 months?
I don't believe him.

Doghead · 04/07/2021 09:10

I know a woman who did this. Took it to court and everything. Then when it got to court and she had to give evidence she admitted she'd lied because he'd rejected her.

Don't automatically disbelieve him. There are some real man haters on here who'll tell you to run for the hills, but they're not you and its not their life.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 09:10

Sinner10 Your experience is different which is nice to hear. However thousands of women have an experience similar to mine due to the CPS agenda. The CPS already admitted recently they let women down and apologised only weeks ago so there isn't really a dispute that this is happening to women and it is becoming legal.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 09:11

Thankfully we don’t all judge all men as the same, hopefully, if he’s telling the truth, this man will find a woman who treats him as an individual

Yes hopefully, because if not, some people are suggesting OP take the risk of being raped, but fingers crossed right?

Rmka · 04/07/2021 09:13

Tough one. I'd be cautious. Also I'd check sex offenders register to rule that out.

On the other hand what would he gain from lying? Now he's risking your rejection and mistrust. If he was a rapist surely he wouldn't even mention this story? And you wouldn't find out on your own if he wasn't convicted, so he could hide it easily.

MrsToothyBitch · 04/07/2021 09:17

In case this gets picked up- fuck off daily mail, the mirror, anyone. Do not want this in your rags.

OP- you have been given the choice to make. The fact you are on here suggests your gut instinct is erring on the side of caution.

I unknowingly went on a date with someone who was actually out on bail awaiting trial for rape; two months later, he had been tried and was in prison. He hadn't said anything - to be fair, in law, he was innocent until proven guilty, but I still feel I was incredibly vulnerable and my choice to make the best decision for my safety was removed.

Great date and we chatted after for a bit but fizzled out due to distance & me moving on. I felt so safe with him, he was so mild mannered and I would NEVER have guessed. I only know about all this because, bizarrely, I later met and befriended one of his siblings and ended up finding out. He comes up on google but that is because he was convicted; I never had cause to search him and if I had pre-date? I'd only have found his social media- with no mentions of anything or work industry publication and uni news of his achievements.

You just don't know.

Awalkintime · 04/07/2021 09:17

Rmka he would gain her trust and she would believe his story so that when people tell her something different he could pass it off as a psycho ex or a lie because he's already told her 'the truth'. It's a common tactic which is why so many believe there are lots of false reports out there when really there aren't many at all.

vivainsomnia · 04/07/2021 09:23

What are you suggesting? That he raped her but 8nstead of keeping quiet and planning to do the same he makes up a story that he was falsely accused? Why say anything at all?

Do you know his full name, if so can't you find out if he's ever been convicted.

It sounds like you've already decided he was lying so for the sake of both of you, you are better off moving in.

vivainsomnia · 04/07/2021 09:25

he would gain her trust and she would believe his story so that when people tell her something different he could pass it off as a psycho ex or a lie because he's already told her 'the truth'
Which people? He is much better saying nothing at all and spurting that story then if it happened.

Naunet · 04/07/2021 09:27

@vivainsomnia

What are you suggesting? That he raped her but 8nstead of keeping quiet and planning to do the same he makes up a story that he was falsely accused? Why say anything at all?

Do you know his full name, if so can't you find out if he's ever been convicted.

It sounds like you've already decided he was lying so for the sake of both of you, you are better off moving in.

Well seeing as this happens and women on this thread have told their own stories about how men lied to them about stuff like that, I’m not sure why you’re struggling with it?

DeathStare · 04/07/2021 09:31

So would you continue? Can’t get this out my head

Leaving aside all the arguments about whether he may or may not have done it for a minute, if you can't get it out of your head the relationship will never work. And you don't owe it to him (or to anyone) to try to force this (or anything else) out of your head.

DaddysGirl36 · 04/07/2021 09:40

I have two different stories here...so I totally get the dilemma..

Our male friend was in a very toxic relationship. They fought & got back together constantly. When he ended it for good, she accused him of rape. He was arrested but the case dropped due to lack of evidence & evidence of her threats in his phone. We 100% believed him but it was an awful time. Not sure there is any record of the accusation but he is happily married now & I'm glad it didn't ruin his life

My best friend started dating a guy recently who I knew had been accused but not convicted of rape & assault against his then wife. I knew the wife through friends & had no reason to doubt her story. He however told a very different & plausible story so either could be true. We told her to end it with him.

The difference was that we knew our friend & his situation enough to believe him over her but did not know the other situation well enough to believe one or the other.

I think looking into Claire's Law is a sensible option

mollypuss1 · 04/07/2021 09:42

@Naunet

Thankfully we don’t all judge all men as the same, hopefully, if he’s telling the truth, this man will find a woman who treats him as an individual

Yes hopefully, because if not, some people are suggesting OP take the risk of being raped, but fingers crossed right?

Well as you say ‘men rape’ so she is taking the same risk no matter who she dates?

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